>>64123298
be me
big brain street tactician
see all these posts about pepper spray and tasers
pfft weak.jpg
come up with perfect self defense idea: squirt gun full of fentanyl + water
“bro it’s genius — they come at me, I give ‘em the Narco Soaker 3000”
fill up a neon green super soaker like I’m prepping for a pool party in hell
shove it in my waistband like it’s a glock
walkin’ around feeling like secret agent mixed with cartel chemist
sittin’ in my car
sudden cold drip down my side
brain: “huh, guess the AC’s leaking?”
look down
…the “AC” is my squirt gun slowly bleeding death juice into my shirt
start feeling reaaallly floaty
type this post: “I think my sqrt gn es leeking… realy gettgn SUPER HIGH nw. Ifall real SAFE!”
try to stand up
knees fold like Ikea furniture
slump back into seat, stare at dashboard clock for 8 hours (it’s actually 45 seconds)
phone rings — it’s my buddy
try to answer
“heyyyyy mmmbruhhh iss meee, I tttink mmy gunn iss sssshpillin, feelss goood”
he hangs up immediately
vision tunneling like I’m about to load into a cutscene
hear a knock — it’s paramedics
apparently neighbor saw me slumped and twitching in the car
“Sir, what’s in the squirt gun?”
me: “uuuuh… flavo— flavor— ffff…”
pass out mid-syllable like Windows shutting down
wake up in hospital with tube up my nose and my pride gone forever
doc says “you’re lucky you didn’t die”
yeah doc, lucky is the word I’d use for inventing the fentanyl Super Soaker
moral of the story?
if you ever think to yourself “hey what if I weaponized a pool toy with a Schedule II controlled substance”
just… don’t
mfw the only person I defended myself from was me
