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Internal Memorandum
Department of Sociological Speculation, Moscow University
Comrades and Colleagues,
It has been brought to our attention that certain radical hypotheses are circulating within the halls of academia—ideas so subversive, so fantastical... Yet, in the spirit of dialectical inquiry, we must record them.
The notion in question: “A Russia with clean streets.”
Yes, you read that correctly. A Russia where one might promenade without dodging sewage geysers that erupt like clockwork, without stepping aside for packs of rabid dogs, or without paying tolls to Vory gentlemen whose idea of "taxation" is a crowbar applied directly to your skull. A Russia where the homeless philosopher does not shriek at you from beneath a broken escalator, and where one’s little sister is not lured into the proud national service known as OnlyFans.
The theorist suggests that society might—might—be habitable if, and this is the controversial clause, vodka were banned. The argument proceeds as follows: every other conceivable method has been tried. We have tried building character with queue discipline. We have tried strengthening the people with potato. We have tried instilling civic order via state television. Results? Mixed, at best. But never have we deprived the Russian soul of its most sacred solvent.
Imagine it: citizens walking upright rather than zig-zag, metro tunnels smelling faintly of disinfectant instead of despair, grandmothers knitting socks instead of excuses for their children. A utopia, if the textbooks are to be believed.
We submit this hypothesis as dogma for a future sociology textbook, perhaps under a chapter titled:
“Imaginary Russias: Societal Models Between Science Fiction and State Propaganda.”
Naturally, the proposal is unserious and not intended for policy consideration. But should prohibition ever be attempted, future historians will note that the idea was born here.
Respectfully submitted,
Dept. of Sociological Speculation
