Thread 64228113

How would /k/ defeat an ancient and powerful vampire?

Assumptions:
>standard vampire vulnerabilities
weakness to sunlight, garlic, and silver, mortally wounded by a stake to the heart, etc.
>conventional defenses
as an ancient, supernaturally cunning and charismatic being, the vampire may be highly placed in society or have significant resources at its disposal (money to hire private security, land, legal protection, criminal ties, etc), complicating your efforts to defeat it.
>location
Occupying a large residence on its own plot of land in your city.
>time limit
In 72 hours the vampire (and possibly its thralls/hired goons) will track you down and try to feed on you.

What's your loadout? What's your plan to gather intel, conduct recon, get armed, and make the kill?
Bonus points: you may only use resources you have at your disposal at this moment in your planning.

MyDick™ poison

can I fuck it

>>64228113 (OP)
>What's your loadout?
>you may only use resources you have at your disposal at this moment
nice try, fed.

>>64228132
>>64228122
t. future dried-up corpses found in a shallow grave outside city limits

>>64228113 (OP)
Considering that the vampire might be high up in society, getting caught in an preemptive assassination attempt would be a death sentence. Considering that they or their goons would be coming after me anyway so they could feed, I'd just stay at home and let them come to me, catching the incident within sight of my home security system should be enough to exonerate me if I'm charged with anything.
Filling their heart with really fast copper stakes should be enough to kill or at least incapacitate them long enough to do so.

>>64228132
>thigh high boots
YES!
>A cup tiddies
Might as well be a tranny

don't worry guys I got this

>>64228160
Just don't get caught. That Luigi fellow managed to ice the CEO of a major company just walking around the street and if it wasn't for shitty OPSEC afterwards he likely would never have been identified.

>>64228160
Just stay in your house anyway; they can't come in if they're not invited dumdum

>>64228199
yeah I thought of that too
They'd have to get their thralls or hired muscle to drag me out, but if they enter my house then it's justified self defense on camera.

Just use Matter 5 to turn the vampire into a deck chair. You did spec into Matter, didn't you?

>>64228113 (OP)
I have several pounds of silver stacked up, a casting and reloading setup, more garlic than an Italian grandmother, a few ounces of holy water, "go the fuck away" mats in front of all my doors, and crippling insomnia. Castle doctrine, bitch.
I'm more worried about the local cops swiping my gun than killing the vamp. Hell, it's not like $25/mag for the silver is much more than I'm already paying to shoot a .45 anyway

>>64228113 (OP)
Call her mommy and tell her to take me, then enjoy pretty much the only form of human contact I've ever had with someone who isn't a family member.

>>64228113 (OP)
Daylight raid, car bomb at the gates to distract the thralls, then slip in and plant a shaped charge on the coffin to cook it inside.

>>64228113 (OP)
Glock 19, maybe an 11.5 PSA AR with magpul furniture but that's probably overkill

11.5 PSA shooting reloaded steel case, or picrel

>>64228113 (OP)
I'm not convinced a vampire wouldn't be inconvenienced by an AR-15 with an FRT.

>>64228113 (OP)
You'll find me hard pressed to believe shooting the brain stem won't give me enough time to magdump the head, and then enough time to burn the body completely. For that matter I know my rapid fire freestanding accuracy at idk, 50 yards? Good enough to just magdump and get 2-3 in the brainstem area.

>>64228572
Is there any reason just cutting a vampires head off or straight up blowing it to pieces wouldn't kill it? Like I get staking the heart is the typical method but how does it come back from having its entire head obliterated?

>>64228113 (OP)
I distract it indefinitely with gay Japanese school boys

>>64228113 (OP)
rape

>>64228113 (OP)
Take a chopper, yell WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH real good and krump em.

>>64228113 (OP)
>Set fire to the mansion
>Shoulder bash Vampire from roof to floor
>Impale it on a statue

>>64228175
>>A cup tiddies
>Might as well be a tranny

More than a handful is a waste.

>>64228113 (OP)
Honestly ever since watching myth busters as a kid I've thought that handling any sunlight/fire vulnerable vampire really isn't that hard as long as they are living in a more or less typically designed house and you have some lead up time/know where they are.
>Steal junker car
>Hook up babies first RC components to it
>Put gasoline containers all up in the cabin.
>Puncture gas tank
>Vroomvroom it through the fucking wall
GG no re, even if they're in the basement the cars either gonna collapse it immediately or once the fire spreads. You can go way lower tech with this idea by lining the car up, fixing the wheel in position, and dropping ye olde cinder block on the pedal too. That'd probably require buddies and covering fire though. Hell, these days you could go the complete opposite direction and probably comfortably do that shit from 10 miles away with a spotter drone and FPV cam on the vehicle.

>>64228537
Based brick enjoyer.

>>64228145
>sucked dry
That's a win in my book.

>>64230019
Fuck you

>>64228113 (OP)
Loadout?
Depends on the vampire.
If it's say, Seras from Helsing, then several litres of cum, freshly pumped.
God I just want to playfully bite her neck whilst she pushes back against my thrusts.

Sorry what were we talking about?

>>64228572
>>64228595
The uglier ones can just regenerate from a fine mist even if you vaporize them.

>>64228113 (OP)
Slippery sumata and a mating press to finish
Alternatively a brick

>>64228113 (OP)
My Penis.
Fuck humanity. I want to be a vampire with an enteral vampire gf.

>>64228113 (OP)
>a large property in the city
So basically can't be found without some sort of solid lead. Therefore escape/evasion is really the only thing that can be done in 72 hours.

We've had this thread too many times, gay boy. You already know the answer. First the brick, then the dick.

>>64228113 (OP)
I just shoot them with my big iron, it's that simple.
>>64228132
Vamp sympathizers get the magnum round to the skull.

>>64228113 (OP)
Impossible. Even if they for some reason had multiple folklore banes, I still wouldn't assume victory against an elder of any clan. Hunters win against (some) old vampires because of True Faith, sunlight and fire. I don't have True Faith, so an elder would just command me to kill myself. Realistically I wouldn't even get that far, they'd have a squad of fully decked out and trained ghouls defending the haven.

I'd have a higher chance of survival headbutting a speeding bullet train.

>>64228113 (OP)
sex
baby making sex with the arceuid

>>64228113 (OP)
>don one of my m88 cut uniforms and 6b5
>broomhandle
rape with Russian characteristics time

>>64228113 (OP)
subtly leak the location of the vampire to the Sabbat, wait for the shovelheads to weaken her defenses, and then kill her with my true faith in the murder-/k/ube (manifested in the form of a 1911 in 45 ACP)
simple as

>>64230019
a man of culture
b to c cup and anything more just doesnt do it for me

>>64232989
No it's dick then brick, that's day one shit retard

>>64228132
She's not an ancient vampire thoughever
She's only 40!!
40 is still young!!!!

How would /k/ defeat Yupiel?

is this taiga

>>64237477
penis...

>>64237477
just ignore her until she goes away
stupid flat bitch

>>64237477
seg

>>64237477
I would use my adult penis to have SEX with her

>>64237510
yes, that picture is taiga

>>64228113 (OP)
>humanized Neco-Arc
what did he mean by this?

>>64237477
headpats

>>64228113 (OP)
The dick

>>64228113 (OP)
I guess I'd start by doing some online research. Max time 6 hours. There's gotta be a pattern of events proving the vampire is even here, and if I can link a specific location to that pattern, I know where to go. That or I'd look for weird stuff about people living in large residences - rich people with pedigrees moving in, eccentric people who never leave their houses, that kind of thing. There's gotta be something out there. Facebook posts or rumors or something.
Next I'd assemble my "strike package." Assuming the vampire has private security, I'd do a bit of social engineering and probing to see which company it is, their reputation, stalk their employees looking for personal details I can leverage. Then I'd do a bit of recon around the residence. Stakeout type stuff. Total time for this stage is around 24 hours, trying to build a pattern of life and look for weaknesses.
Loadout: paintball gun for blinding cameras on approach, boring standard AR with boring standard ammo, holy water in spray gun, garlic, as much silver as I can carry, body armor, baggy hoodie over it all for the infil.
Plan: approach at noon (vampires will be weakest) and try socially engineering my way in - come up with a reflective vest and clipboard, fake water board/electric department sticker on my car, etc. If this doesn't work I'll come back at night and take the gamble.
Once in use vials of virgin blood (extracted from self) to lure the vampire out, then throw garlic and silver and shit it at while squirting it with holy water, finishing with a full mag from the AR. If this doesn't work, I'll try fleeing by jumping out of a window or some shit but I'm probably cooked.
Alternate plan: if the vampire finds my blood especially appetizing, try to work out a deal with it, where it can feed off me regularly in exchange for something.

>>64237477
ask why she is flat

>>64228175
>>64239081
Flat vampires are the hottest

why should I go to it? it's in a heavily fortified location with multiple personnel present. this is tactically unsound. wait the 72 hours, stand in a wide open location with no cover or buildings, and if they try to wait for night time, just go home for the night and don't answer the door.
>the thralls/goons will bust your door down
livestream the B&E and use defender's advantage to take down as many of them as you can. even if you can't prevent the vampire from getting to you, its identity is now revealed and its reputation is shattered, and it'll get hunted down and taken care of by more organized, better armed groups.
>you have to survive
assuming it can't just kill me and feed on my corpse, garlic necklace.

repeat as needed. moral of the story is, there's a reason why SWAT teams doing raids are fucking massive and severely outnumber (and usually outgun) the defenders. if leveling the place with artillery isn't an option and you can't arm like 10 times more people than there are defenders, avoid home intrusions against prepared occupants like the plague.

>>64230019
>>64239088
Any man attracted to flat broads are latent faggots.

>>64239221
You sound deeply insecure.

>>64239770
I've fucked trannies with more cleavage than your anorexic waifus. You are a faggot.

>>64239827
>I've fucked trannies
we know

why did anon self report like this

>>64239827
>calls people gay
>admits to fucking trannies
Pure poetry.

Close their museums

>>64228113 (OP)
>Call the priest in my little town
>Ask him to bless a brick
>Call friends
>Ask them to help ambush some dipshits
>Corner the vampire when they attempt to flee my residence as their goons fail and get murked and stripped for their gear and toys by my friends
>Rape them out of spite and beat them to death with my blessed chunk of masonry

>>64228113 (OP)
I'll take the Seventh Holy Scripture tyvm

>>64228122
I will never not find this funny.
We are one, anon..

>everyone saying "lol I would just shoot it lol get dunked on
Where did anything ever say vampires can't carry guns too? They've probably got more range time than you do as well. Might've shook richard gatlinggun's hand and told him he was gonna go far.

>>64241725
>no heart beat
>no breathing
>doesnt show up to IR
>worlds steadiest hands
>heightened visual acuity and coordination, can unironically make wind calls at a glance "because of the way the grass is moving"
>may not even show up on camera
The sniper vamp would truly be a terrifying menace, you'd just get cold bore shot from 800m away with a .300 win mag and local LE would sweep it under the rug as a one off.

>>64237477
Hugs. Then fugs. Then hugs while fugs. Then bareback anal.

>>64241725
The vampire presumably wants you alive to feed

Challenge it to a duel.

>>64228132
>tubular breasts

>>64228132
Heard the manga had a shit ending which is disappointing

>>64228113 (OP)
I simply would not engage with him. Vampires can only get to you if you let them.

>>64228113 (OP)
>standard vampire
Seems some mother fuckers are gonna try to ice skate uphill?

>>64242160
Japs can't write endings.

>>64242160
Latest episode was trash, vampire hunter lady was the only interesting part of the show. Intro is a real banger(probably best of the season) and makes her out to be some badass. Show 180s that and guts the character while having the fight not even bother to include the coolest fight stuff shown in the intro. They better get this thing headed back in the right direction or I'm dropping it

>>64228113 (OP)
I'd have no choice but to date them with marriage in mind.

>>64237719
What did he mean by this?

Just shoot it this isn't complicated
Or if sexy, fuck them into submission

>>64230019
You want just over a handful. With a little more then a handful you have to chases it all around in a vain attempt to have it all.

>>64248098
Are there any denominations that would be cool with you marring a vampire? I mean, nothing explicitly forbids it, right?

>>64239827
I mean of course you do.
You're on /k/.
Anyone who's not a troon here, posts his troon gf's testicles floating in a mason jar.
As you do.

>>64239221
No, just proud pedos. Who the fuck cares about gross old whores or their sacks of fat?

I LOVE AND WANT TO MARRY CUTE VAMPIRES

>>64248836
it's debatedly necrophilia, so that might cause some issues.

>>64245627
Literally every time someone says this it turns out they mainly consume fighting shonen and will-they wont-they romance.

>>64251165
naturally, you, being on /k/, are also a troon or troonfucker.

>>64255158
Prove me wrong.

>>64255285
Mushoku Tensei, Usagi Drop, Kodomo no Jikan. Should I continue?

>>64253071
Remi's feet STINK! They're a chemical weapon!

spend the summer in the north pole and winter in the south pole. chase the noon with a jet in the meanwhile. gg ez.

>>64256295
none of these will stop the tactical cardboard box vampire rapist

>>64256237
Lies. Remi smells like flowers and stuff.

>>64248836
Well, the typical Christian marriage vow includes "until death do us part" or some equivalent language that expressly concludes the marriage with the death of one of the parties. Given that death would not part you from your vampire girl, you're going to have a hard time convincing the priest that those vows aren't invalid when spoken by a vampire.

However, the Eastern Orthodox church doesn't use vows, but instead just has the priest conduct a ritual by which the two parties are deemed to be married by the grace of God. So you could totally marry a vampire in an Orthodox wedding.

>>64255285
Gundam 0079

I would melt down a touch of my silver, load it into my Colt Dragoon with 40 grains of Swiss, and then wait patiently for it to arrive. When it came I would meet it at the door, paralyze it with the power of Christ and then simply shoot it in the head in his name.
I assume calling on Christ rustles some edgelord feathers, even though we're already in a hypothetical with vampires. You're evil, btw.

>>64258965
i don't care about you calling on christ, hypothetical or not, but pre-emptively flinching in your post about "edgelords" making fun of your cult is what landed you in bullyable territory.

you're too weakminded to come up with your own definition of evil btw, everything is dictated to you by your faith because you're too weakminded to act and think on your own, you're a killbot waiting to happen because your faith is the only reason you even have morals, to me you're barely different from a nihilistic atheist loser, both of you are weakwilled and weakminded, and unable to create your own modus operandi

>>64258980
>your own definition of evil
Not a real thing. All subjective claims to morality fail. The guy who fucks babies to death has a claim to defining evil just as valid as yours if all you're doing is running off your own subjective hunch of morality and you have no actual moral right to do anything about his baby fucking. The whole "I'm a free thinking badass and I make my own rules" routine sounds cool and high-minded when you're 14 and don't actually have any responsibilities or purpose, but it doesn't hold water IRL. You are going to worship something whether you like it or not and "I worship myself" is a delusion. What does that even mean to just bullshit up your own definition of evil? Would you believe in your own definitions with math? If that doesn't apply with good/evil, then it's all a bunch of made up bullshit anyway and you ought to have no objections to my own moral foundations. You'll wind up worshiping your base whims and will eagerly suck the dick of whatever/whoever can satisfy those whims.
Read John. It's short. I wish you the best and hope you stop being a smarmy fag.

>>64228113 (OP)
Is it female?

>>64259210
>all subjective claims to morality fail
completely depressed moral relativism fails, sure, but finding your own path using some common sense here and listening to what our natural instincts for good and evil imprint on us, mixed with some abstract idealism for what the ideal of a future perfect mankind should be, that's is actually pretty easy (for me, anyway, there's a reason why so many people like you need an ultimate truth as a crutch, because you don't trust yourself not to turn into a nihilistic psychopath lol)

>i worship myself
it's hilarious watching all your defense mechanisms flare up instantly, i already told you, i'm not a moral relativist, i'm not a nihilist, and i'm not a self-worshipping satanist either, you're trying so hard to peg me on the board but you can't.

>y-you'll wind up worshipping your base whims
no, YOU would wind up worshipping your base whims, you're completely proving me right when i said that you people need absolute truth coming from religious faith to prevent yourself from becoming hedonists/nihilists lmao.

>i hope you stop being a smarmy fag
i was only being a smarmy fag because i thought it was funny to poke you a bit when you showed clear insecurity at being christian. and while i am a bit mean, i'm also a meany who's right about you, so that's alright with me.

>>64228113 (OP)
Dracula was killed by a knife cutting his throat (the stakes were there to make sure he didn't resurrect and climb out of the grave) so I'd like to see a vampire tank a 12 gauge

>>64258731
It depends on the type of vampire. If it's an undead vamp then it's probably animated by supernatural powers of evil anyway, but if it's living and simply feeds off blood the priest might be more amenable.
I wonder if any church has a position on what would happen if a vampire partook of the Eucharist?

>>64228113 (OP)
Do I need to survive the encounter? If not, I will make a fertilizer bomb and wrap as much silver coins around it as I can afford, then I will put it in my bed under the blanket with me and the detonator. As soon as the vampire enters my room I will detonate it.

Are silver plated bullets enough for supernatural threats or do they need to be jacketed or solid silver?

>>64259948
Silver only works against lycanthropes, not vampires

squish.

>>64259952
Would silver plating work against werewolves then. I don't have a lot of silver.

>>64260152
What's this from

>>64228113 (OP)
Well, my shit knowledge on all things paranormal tell me that they cant pass over a line of salt. Coupled with vampires having a thing against garlic...

I make a ring of garlic salt. Then pull the bolt back on my SKS, pour a can of beans in, and fuck the rifle with my flaccid ED riddled cock as the sharp fang watches.

>>64260226
Shiki

>>64260192
Yes, but silver plating isn't as effective as pure silver.

I attack by kissing it

>>64228113 (OP)
I would use the raw visceral power of my New York Mets shirt to seduce her into becoming a trusted ally.

I wouldn't worry about vampires.
They do not exist.

>>64261026
That just needs two bullets; one in you, hopefully not spilling too much delicious blood, and one to break the ring. If it's not in one piece they'd just have to hold their nose and jump over it.

>>64261157
I wouldn't worry about it

Spend the 72 hours jerking off and fortifying the house, then wait for them to come to me.
>Thralls
In most mythology while they are enhanced by vampire bullshit they're still regular people/animals/whatever, so 5.56 or .45, or trickshots with .22lr if that's your thing.
>Vampire
Easier to deal with than thralls, get some silver and turn it into slugs or shot then yeet it into a 12g and blow it's shit smoove off.
>Hot vampire
12g silver birdshot to fuck it up, then sex.
>Optional brick finisher too.

Form a Camarilla

>>64228113 (OP)
>weakness to sunlight, garlic, and silver
>Occupying a large residence on its own plot of land in your city

>locate building's HVAC system
>find pneumatic regulator for the higher levels
>take some notes
>go home and look up the internal room dimensions on a realty website
>do some math and estimate the total volume for the upper floors
>buy silver foil, moly powder and glycerine
>cut the silver foil to roughly 50µm
>grind some solid silver as fine as possible (<10µm) with the moly powder
>make thermite pots and xylene firebombs
>take the dry silver and moly mix with watered glycerine in separate containers
>wait until 11AM
>punch a hole in the fire suppression tank
>remove HVAC base filter and pour in dry mix
>wait 15 seconds
>insert glycerine through atomiser
>set fires
>moisture is detected and HVAC shuts down
>fire suppression fails, forcing larger response
>building loses positive pressure
>vampire is covered head to toe, inside and out, with silver adhered to their skin and stuck in a thick, clinging layer to their mucus membranes
>building is on fire
>exhaust fan is still running with negative pressure to create a constant flow of fresh air to keep the fire spreading
>vampire must now choose between burning to death and facing the midday sun

>>64261292
>cut the silver foil to roughly 50µm
Please explain how you plan to do this?
Also I feel like at this rate it'd be easier to torch the house/blow a hole in the roof in midday for similar effects.

>>64261300
>Please explain how you plan to do this?
Take it to a metalshop which does custom flake cutting for paint.
>it'd be easier to torch the house/blow a hole in the roof
I'm not James Bond. It's fairly easy to get into mostly vacant maintenance areas that are only secured by a hardware store lock, while keeping my face off security cameras with an easily explained mask and cap, but I'm not willing to risk getting anywhere near their floor and meeting their PMC security team who might just decide to search me on a whim. Going anywhere near the roof or windows is pretty much a death sentence.

>>64261292
I think this is the best plan in the thread so far.

>>64230019
Why are you gae?

>>64262094
Says the man that wants his women to have the physique of a preteen boy. In a universe where Passionlip exists Arcade Bumstead is barely a woman. The bar has been raised.

>>64255158
You're projecting.
Anyway it's not that they *can't" write endings it's that they
1) don't write the story with the ending in mind
2) serialize their stories for fucking ever and only end them when interest wanes and they get canceled, so the final arc will have like 3 chapters, max, to wrap everything up.

>>64261220
>Form a Camarilla

>>64228113 (OP)

Forced (re. consensual) pregnancy

>>64262159
>serialize their stories for fucking ever and only end them when interest wanes and they get canceled
Yeah nigga, fighting shonen and will-they wont-they romance. Other manga actually do tend to have a planned run time. Just don't read things longer than 100~ chapters, unless it's a comedy.

>>64228113 (OP)
I disregard your request to whack the bloodsucker, instead I offer to sell it blood, free money for me and reasonably priced delivery for them

>>64228113 (OP)
I keep to my usual workout routine, but instead of normal water, I guzzle holy water like theres no tomorrow. I edge myself each night.
After a month of working on cardio and edging,

>rape

Cum buckets into the vampire. Burn them from the inside out.

Easy, some 9mm from a no-name street only gun. Since vampires are long lived, they are almost definitely weapon, and specifically gun autists. Because of this they will be too busy critiquing my choice in weapon so I can run away. It's like counting rice to them

>>64255285
Princess Tutu, Gunslinger Girl, Sayanara Zetsubou Sensei.