>>40028560before i even knew transwomen were a thing, before I knew anything about lgbt (innocent naive npc me with no internal monologue) I tried several things.
guys dont do it for me. i tried and it was extremely painful jacking off. yes i did manage to cum but it was weak and I was limp the entire time. I tried sticking things in my ass. it just burns and i never cleaned so it was very shitty too. Also no orgasms from it.
i tried being asexual. I did it more so for personal and religious reasons and to a lesser extent I did not want to treat women as sex objects. My thinking was sex deprives me of time that i could spend on being a more productive member of society. I tried praying to god for the strength. I tried right in the middle of gooning (again no idea these words even existed). Its weird because my mind was so warped when I engaged. people my mind would just go blank and I would just smile like an idiot. I sometimes believe I was infected with toxoplasmosis because of how docile I was with people but it was probably me being so inept with people and being so "good" at putting on a mask and repressing my mind that was fubar.
i came across transwomen by accident im sure. i dont remember the exact details how the fuck i came across it but it was reality bending and mind shattering more so than when i first jacked off to my first straight porn. I felt so ashamed and so dirty and I pretty sure I worked myself into dissociation.
I already told you it is more efficient and pragmatic to be gay. finding someone to fuck would be so much easier. but that is not how it works. there is no switch and when i do try to turn off the faucet i am crushed by my sexual urges. It took me an eternity to figure this out.
And for all that Im still not going to look for anybody. But I still want to be better for myself. I currently reading some intro to platos republic so imma finish that soon hopefully.