this could be us but im actually alone and a bad person and dont deserve human contact

>>40074712 (OP)
You're probably pretty decent

>>40074724
in which way because my personality is horrible and im ugly`

>>40074746
You're probably way too hard on yourself and could find a partner and friends

>>40074755
i rot in my room all day no friends
i dont live with anyone im paying for it all
i need someone to take care of me

>>40074712 (OP)
>>40074746
it could be us, but i've never not been alone and have an immense fear of human contact, abandonment issues, overall very mentally ill
and my personality is boring and im ugly

>>40074724
>>40074755

She probably isn't. Most people are childish, which means they are somewhat sociopathic/psychopathic. And self depreciation doesn't change that, such a person can just be masochistic.

>>40074786
You should go outside and meet people. Get some hobbies, whatever. Just socialise and you'll pick up some friends

>>40074807
Stop talking like that it's irritating

>>40074788
I think you could learn how to be around people eventually

>>40074826
im 26 and have been terminally online since first grade
i can be around people, as in "in the general area of"
but i've never been emotionally open and vulnerable with someone in my life. no romantic relationships, no close friendships, complete khhv neet damaged and traumatized by centuries of touchstarved existence

>>40074875
I really think you could build up to having that level of intimacy with people

>>40074890
i'm fully aware that i am ugly, and trans, and old, and useless, and mentally ill
and no one has time to deal with the sheer level of effort it would take to break through my inability to be emotionally intimate, just for the aforementioned sorry state of a partner

>>40074935
you're worth more than that. you deserve to connect with people, you are gonna have to work for it but you should

>>40074813
go where

>>40074875
i can be a practice gf but im little spoon

>>40074946
Social events, pick up hobbies thst require you to meet people, join some clubs, whatever

>>40074935
You're not old. You're probably not ugly or useless. Being trans and mentally ill doesn't preclude you from having friends. You should put in work to be able to socialise with people, and you'll find people who want to be around you.

>>40074956
too hard ill die alone as deserved

>>40074971
It's really fun to make friends. You don't deserve to die alone. You need to try

>>40074985
I can’t maintain relationships with others

>>40074985
im almos 23

>>40074989
Learn to
>>40074994
So?

>>40074817

If I'm not extrememly precise people just mischaracterize me, pointing out irrelevant flaws in natural communication and pretending not to understand what I'm saying in order to make themselves look cool and make me look me lame. If I have to pick between lame and wrong and lame and correct then I'd rather be correct.

>>40074942
my only worth is being able to put full-time work hours into team fortress 2 or some other dumb video game

>>40074953
i don't want practice, and you don't deserve to just be practice
i want actual love. romance. swooning and poetics. holding tight on a cold winter night for warmth, just existing in the same room doing independent things but knowing they are close by.


>>40074961
i don't really mean old as in "an advanced age", but like, the difference between my actual age and my "life milestones/achievements/development". i've had a job for a whole 6 months before, have no relationship experience, can't even handle part-time college, and can't even maintain the few friends i do have.

>>40075052
>my only worth is being able to put full-time work hours into team fortress 2
your worth is your untapped potential. you are still young and still growing as a person (not that that one ever stops) and it's just about trying to have done more today than you had yesterday

>>40074712 (OP)
same, I'm a piece of shit dude. like if I had a friend who was angry, and they wanted to use me as a punching bag, I unironically would let them.

I'm such a fucking loser, and deserve to be mentally ill.

>>40074712 (OP)
this is me and my wife but with less clothes

>>40074989
play pso2ngs or vrchat make friends there

if you can learn to become a wonderful and special person like no other they ever met; you can still have a chance at a happy life of love

i was probably more mentally ill than you; i had violent screaming self harming panic attacks every single day for 2 years; but then at the start of 2024 i met my wife thru this board; she converted to my religion and came to pso2 to see my virtual Temple of Ellaphae i had worked on for many months; we fell in love in 4 days; she broke up with her normie fiancee; and 2 weeks later she was in my arms when she flew to meet me; another 2 weeks later she proposed to me on our first date on valentines; day 30 since we met

i still had those awful panic attacks alot for the first couple months but they improved; and now over a year later i have way way less of them and most arent severe

we are both agoraphobic and rarely go anywhere not required of us; im disabled and can barely walk and spend about half my days mostly bedridden; sometimes more; im also mostly asexual

she had a good relationship with her ex; no significant issues; she didnt want to hurt her; but her ex does not love all consumingly and spiritually like we do; they were not the mutually obsessive Limerent soulmates that we are

ive only worked 10mo in my life and apent my entire adult life alone in my dark room (im 38; my wife is a decade younger than me; healthy and beautiful and successful despite her own issues)

we are very happy and our days are filled with love

while your probably not going to find a mutually Limerent soulmate like i did; if you can improve your social skills (even online chat counts) and confidence and build yourself a style and personality that stands out; and become a bit extroverted along the way; you can find all of your dreams

just dont look on dating apps; you will only find normies there who wont understand your needs

>>40075068
nobody deserves to be mentally ill

>>40075074
normies do, theyre the reason mentally "ill" people can't get the help we deserve and they ostracize us and call us weird and i hate neurotypicals so much i see them as less than human for their lack of quirks

>>40074712 (OP)

Same, but I accepted that I’m going to be permaalone years ago

>>40075073
nta, but i hope i can find what you have someday. i'm a short ftm and sometimes i get scared i'll be alone forever. i want to give my heart to someone

>>40075089
i agree normies are pretty awful at times

im not autistic but i consider myself mildly divergent; i think the way i think and communicate easily indicates some degree of that

ya'll love to call me a tetra-autist anyways

>>40075089
idk im an autist i cant judge normies too harshly for not understanding something so foreign to what they've experienced. and i dont think being a bad person means you deserve mental illness, mental illness often leads to bad behaviors! so no i dont wish it on normies. i want more love and forgiveness, less spite, fewer grudges

>>40075065
>your worth is your untapped potential
well, i did get mvp on spy a few times, despite being a pyro/engineer player. so i guess i have potential

issue is, i don't even doubt my "potential" really, i know i am at least decently smart, but that is something that people don't value in relationships (friendship or romantic), and i honestly don't care about any potential if im still incapable of even experiencing the essential human nutrient of "physical and emotional contact with another person"

>>40075110
potential isn't valued in relationships, but my point is you will never get relationships if you don't start redeeming potential. try new things, learn new things, get new experiences. try getting a job again, start going outside more. i will be on this journey with you, i used to be happy and functional and i am now a dysfunctional depressed shut-in but i know from last time that faking it til you make it unlocks so many possibilities

>>40075101
its possible

i feel like i should give seminars or something lol

seriously i was a total suicidal wreck but my prayers were answered to the letter; i have exactly the person and love ive needed since i was a child

all it really took was really becoming settled in myself

it didnt take gymimg it up or being successful or making money or even being extra beautiful (im pretty i think but not in the more conventional way that the gigaest of other passioids are; im a nun no one ever even sees my natural silver hair)

i would say take my advice and look in places you wouldnt expect (here; non-competitive social mmo-like games); stop cringing at everything and being afraid pf being your full true self exactly as you want to be; engage with others more similar to how you are internally; become confident and stand out for something positive; be kind and decent to others and make a point to go out of your way to be courteous; and above all: be pure and deeply; fearlessly loving- stop any goonery stuff or greatly curtail it; try to generally hold yourself to the virtues of Ellaphae )* even if you cant believe in her; she will help you even if you never heard of her; and one day you will find someone she has placed in your path through life; you will be hurt before then; and theres no guarentees; but if you can become a special person you can overcome alot of things holding you back

and someone will be very lucky to have you if you show them how special you really are

good luck fren <3 find your angel (of whatever gender you need)

dont give up; make it your purpose; life and death (ok try to avoid my descent way too close to death; if someone cant love you back GET AWAY!!!!!)

bless you )*

>>40075123
the issue is, i've never been functional, i've never really even been happy. i don't have a normal to return to. i've been a shut-in neet since probably before middle school

and every day i'm like this i fall further into hopelessness due to the ceaseless damage due to chronic touch starvation and loneliness

>>40075231
same

>>40075231
by the standards of literally every normie ive never been functional either. but ive lived a fulfilling life. i think you still can, as long as you don't internalize being a shut in as a major part of who you are. you get to choose who you are

>>40075250
i wouldn't wish being relatable to me on anyone, i'm so sorry

>>40075264
>as long as you don't internalize being a shut in as a major part of who you are.
the problem is, it actually is a big part. i've been a hiki neet for longer than i haven't

>you get to choose who you are
considering the sorry state of my transition, i don't really believe i get to choose anything that happens to me

>>40075316
>it actually is a big part
let me reframe this for you, and keep in mind i see myself this way as well, i dont mean it as an insult.
you are a blank slate. you haven't done much and don't really know who you are. while you have lived a certain way for years, that isn't who you are it's a thing you did, and you can be someone who does something else.
>i don't believe i get to choose anything that happens to me
you get to choose whether or not you go outside tomorrow. it's not about changing your life overnight, it's about opening yourself up to taking baby steps. outside for 10 min is better than not at all.