I am cis and certain of it. I am not dysphoric. I have never once wanted to be a woman and am genuinely good at being a guy.

Somehow I've managed to not learn anything about HRT up until last year despite living in a supportive environment. Now I just can't stop thinking about it. Any moment where my mind is idle, it's filled with thoughts of taking hrt. I'm not even AGP. Thinking about being a woman doesn't make me feel any way, but I am also extremely bad at imagining stuff and almost void of emotions.

This became very exhausting very quickly, so I got on DIY-HRT about a month after I learned of it's existence. Took it for about 3 months until I got a panic attack over my breasts developing. Only sane conclusion I can come to is that the effects of E make me genuinely dysphoric.
Despite all that, I am still obsessively thinking about HRT over 6 months later. Sometimes the urge to inject again is so extremely overwhelming, it's genuinely crippling. Especially if I see a woman I could even remotely resemble if I were to fully transition, even if I don't even want to be a woman.

Genuinely, what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just accept that I am a cis man and go live my life like a normal person? I am genuinely desperate for a solution and would appreciate any help

When was the first time you heard of HRT?

>>40170561
At 19. I have no recollection of how I have heard of it, but it felt like I opened Pandora's Box. My memory is extremely poor and selective

>>40170553 (OP)
>finds out what hrt is
>"this makes you into a woman"
>ok, cool i dont want to be a woman
>takes it anyway
>is surprised when starts turning into a woman
what
this is either larp/bait or you have the most elaborate repression scheme going on because a normal cis man wouldnt have a compulsion to take hrt
im kinda leaning toward bait with the intent of trying to get people to shut down diy
anyway literally just stop taking it, its not a narcotic that has a chemical dependency loop
you can just throw it away and stop taking it
sorry about your boobs but everything else is gonna go back to how it was, get gyno surgery for the tits if it ends up bothering you enough

>>40170588
>the awkard age when a boy must make a man of himself
perhaps subconsciously HRT seems like an escape from responsibility

I mean, I'll convince myself this isn't just bait, but you know... you can take HRT even without indentifying as the opposite gender. Now about the breast thing, I think I've heard of some type of hormones that avoid that, I just won't recommend anything cause I don't really mess with it.

>>40170599
I really really wish this were bait. I am 100% honest with every word I type and in genuine need of help. I know 4chan isn't the place to get actual help, but therapy is off limits currently, and posting this anywhere else seems like an even worse idea. I would never larp to badmouth diy. It's genuinely diy or die and diy saves lives

When I started hrt, I genuinely thought I will come to like it's effects, since why else would I have this burning desire to take it. Even now I desperately want to want to like e. I am in the inane position of wishing I weren't cis, despite everything pointing towards the fact that I am in fact just cis. I am aware of how painful it is to be trans, I've been lurking here for months.
I also really don't want to throw it away in the off chance that the stars align and I'll actually end up feeling good about taking it. At this rate it'll expire before that though.
Gyno surgery also fills me with dread. I'm lucky they went back to not being visible a couple of months after stopping, but I don't want to lose the ability to get boobs through surgery.
I am aware of the cognitive dissonance. It's tearing me apart

>>40170611
I have thought about this a lot, and it does seem possible, but at the same time, transitioning would demand much more responsibility from me if I want to actually live a good life. Perceiving transition as an escape from responsibility is insane.
Transition is only an escape from dysphoria

>>40170553 (OP)
>I am cis
faulty premise
circular reasoning
absurd conclusion
inject estrogen as soon as humanly possible

>>40170662
I am aware I can just take hrt as a man, and live as an estrogenized male. This feels like a worse option though than simply transitioning.

SERMs like raloxifene should in theory prevent breast growth, but I wouldn't want that if I were to transition. It's also not guaranteed in any way that it'll fully prevent breast growth. Most cases I've read about, it only slowed it down significantly. SERMs also tend to have actual side effects compared to e mono therapy

>>40170687
How am I not cis if anything points towards that being the case?
No dysphoria, no desire to be another gender, reverse dysphoria from hrt.
I am most likely just severely autoandrophobic and am romanticizing the vague concept of womanhood.
Transition will completely derail my life in the worst ways possible

>>40170553 (OP)
perhaps you saw a chance to see what it's like to be a girl, and you still subconsciously want to know what it is to be a girl even if you aren't one yourself. A metaphorical door stands before you and you really want to know what's on the other side
or perhaps your ideal you is feminine but not female and you don't know how to attain it without E

>>40170750
>>40170553 (OP)
>I got a panic attack over my breasts developing
the one key piece of inform in your multiparagraph post gets only a single sentence? would you still mind having breasts if you passed or were you just worried your boymode was failing before you were ready to come out?

>>40170750
>am most likely just severely autoandrophobic and am romanticizing the vague concept of womanhood.
repperbabble. romanticizing womanhood in yourself is AGP, not AAP

>>40170553 (OP)
>I just can't stop thinking about it.
but why? when you think about it, what is it that you're thinking?
>Sometimes the urge to inject again is so extremely overwhelming, it's genuinely crippling. Especially if I see a woman I could even remotely resemble if I were to fully transition, even if I don't even want to be a woman.
why don't you want to be a woman? do you want to be a man? why do you want to be a man? also, it's hard to engage with what your consciously choosing to say when you're repressed subconscious is obvious from the context

>>40170685
That's very true. Our desires that create those nagging thoughts aren't rational. If you are romanticizing womanhood that would be part of it too. The reality of being a tranny is much harder than being cis of either gender so it's important to be certain there is no other way for you to be okay with yourself before you commit. If you start HRT again your breasts will come in much faster because that initial spurt of tissue is still there from the first 3 months.

>>40170752
I don't even care about being particularly feminine. If I were to transition, I would definitely be slightly more feminine than I am right now, but that is just because being feminine as the man I am right now makes my skin crawl.
If I were to transition, I would most likely lean into being androgynous yet still clearly woman.

It would be nice for an estrogenlike substance to not cross the blood brain barrier so i can stay smart

>>40170771
I don't know...
They were already budding for over a month before I got the panic attack, but when it hit, it hit really bad. It felt like I had two appendages that didn't belong to me.
I really wish I wouldn't have to feel that way. What was and still is bothering me the most is, that I don't want to be dysphoric over my breasts developing. I don't want breasts, but I really want to want breasts

>>40170849
>I don't want breasts, but I really want to want breasts
You could go with the prosthetic prop boobs.

>>40170808
I wish I knew why. It just feels like a burning desire in the worst ways possible. I am not even thinking about anything it does specifically. I simply am obsessed with wanting hrt.
I don't want to be a woman because it feels wrong. Not in the iwnbaw way, but in the "Being a woman will make me dysphoric" way.
I also don't want to be a man. The mere fact that I am a man, and that I'll have to live as a man is making me want to rip my skin off. Ironically, being a man is also the only thing that actually fits my identity. I only find comfort in the discomfort of being a man.
I also don't feel like I am repressing anything at all. I feel like my genuine self while out and about as a man

>>40170894
imagine you were neither, what would a body fitting for you look like?

>>40170869
Holy fuck no. I'd hate to wear fake breasts, especially on my masculinized body. I've worked out for years prior to all of this gender bs, which has left me having a very masculine body.
It's the same reason why I never even tried to wear feminine clothes. They'd only highlight just how much they don't fit my body

>>40170907
I genuinely don't know. My imagination is genuinely fucked. I can't imagine what having any sort of body different from mine would feel like. I can't even imagine what having my body feels like.

I also really need to learn how to write without beginning every sentence with "I ..."

>>40170838
Luckily estrogen doesn't make you dumb. I also was idiotic like this prior to taking e. If you are smart, there's no reason to worry

>>40171104
It makes you dumb tho I am barely functional now

>>40170553 (OP)
Uh it sounds like you might have some kind of OCD?

>>40170611
>perhaps subconsciously HRT seems like an escape from responsibility
thats what it is for me. the idea of turning myself into a "real man" is repulsive as will be my appearance if i let myself masculinize. ive never identified with masculinity despite having fairly masculine interests and not wanting to be a woman. i just need to kill myself i think

>>40170553 (OP)
>>40170588
>>40170599
>>40170665
idk what to think but if it's really not bait you probably are just extremely autistic

>i am cis and certain of it
>BUT i have an overwhelming compulsion to take HRT and get jealous of similar looking cis women
>im cis
>Certain
Lmfao

>>40171177
I have thought of that, but I don't meet the diagnostic criteria. I have never obsessed over something to this extent ever before

>>40171182
I also don't meet most diagnostic criteria of autism, but it is more likely than ocd. I maybe should pursue a autism diagnosis just to rule out any possibilities, but I've talked to mental health professionals before and they heavily doubted that I'd have autism

>>40171182
>>40171193
>OP: gets dysphoria from breast growth
>YOU ARE TOTALLY A GIRL HON
retards

>>40171159
Then there's nothing to lose. Just become a housewife (I am not implying housewives are stupid)

>>40171209
Could be enby. Would still not be cis.

>>40170553 (OP)
Pretty sure I made this exact post with this exact image before. eerie.
I’m on the other side though. The dysphoric episodes about developing breasts did not deter me and went away after a little while. now I’m 2 years in and haven’t had an episode like that in years. They did feel really bad when they happened though, pure disgust and even infiltration of my dreams, where I panicked both in dream world and real life over regretting trooning.
If you’re like me you’re very malleable and susceptible to being influenced by the spaces you inhibit and browse. My recommendation is to either get on HRT and push through the dysphoric episodes or put yourself in an environment where you NEVER have to engage with transgenderism on a level that grips you emotionally again. The thoughts won’t go away unless you overfeed them (with real life synthetic hormones) or completely cut them off.
I couldn’t stay away from transgenderism after I got hooked, and I don’t regret trooning at all, even though deep inside I’m just a straight cis dude who has no business doing this, for what it’s worth. Some people are just weird like that.

>>40171209
Never said its a girl
Just said its not cis

>>40171212
There are only two sexes. Seriously stop giving advice you aren't qualified for this. This is how permanmoders are made.

>>40171178
Highly relatable. How does the idea of a suicide pact sound? You inject me a lethal dose of fent, and I inject you with a lethal dose of estrogen

>>40171221
>its
Do you get some kind of sadistic satisfaction from encouraging mental illness?
Captcha: JAANY

>>40171223
ok retard

>>40171193
I wish I could laugh at my predicament as well. It was funny at first, now it's just exhausting to a crippling degree
Still steadfast on the cis assessment though. I can't conceptualize myself not being cis

>>40170894
>am not even thinking about anything it does specifically.

>>40170553 (OP)
I also get dysphoria from e breats but its less than the t dysphoria so i just cope with it

>>40170894
>I don't want to be a woman
>I also don't want to be a man
peak nonbiney

>>40170553 (OP)
You're just an idiot, it's quite common. Taking HRT isn't about being a woman, taking HRT is a means to an end. You don't have that end in mind, you just fetishized the means devoid of any real purpose.

>>40171218
If we are similar and your advice applies to me, then I have no other option than trooning. Even if I put in all the effort imaginable to stray away from anything trans related, there'd still be cis women which would bring the thoughts back.
Trying not to think about it is exactly like the Pink elephant paradox

I am happy for you though that you managed to get over the panic related to transitioning and don't regret it in the end

>>40171205
I have literally had clinically diagnosed OCD before when I was a kid, and your experience sounds like mine. IDK genuinely you should talk to a therapist and see what they think. At the very least they'll help you sort out your feelings on HRT.

>>40171253
waow its me >t. ftm

>>40171285
hey im also diagnosed ocd

>>40171253
>>40171268
This succinctly sums it up desu. Only difference is that I am apparently quite good looking if the unprompted compliments I get are to be trusted. Doesn't change the fact that I feel extremely ugly, almost to the point where my mere presence feels insulting to the senses

Think very carefully OP.
Do you want to be a mentally regressed man that identifies as 'nonbiney' or do you want to be normal. The choice is yours

>>40171205
hmmmm yea idk hopefully you can figure this out
>>40171209
didn't say that at all but i'm the retard okay

>>40171320
>boymoder
yes you are the retard

>>40171212
>>40171221
>>40171266
Nonbiney sounds like the worst of both worlds to me unfortunately. Finding a balance seems near impossible. Having a healthy hormone profile is a binary decision. Almost everybody only ever perceives gender in a binary fashion. It's hard to not think in binaries when these are the most substantial options

>>40171342
>Having a healthy hormone profile is a binary decision
that's why most AMAB enbies just get on E and chop their tits off when they get too big.

>>40171285
>>40171300
I really should look into whether I have OCD only to rule it out. Having OCD sounds even worse than being a tranny to be honest.

If I do have OCD, then this would pretty much be T-OCD, but the defining trait of T-OCD is when a cis person with OCD fears they may actually be trans.
In my case I feel like cis person that really hopes they somehow find out they are trans so they can transition despite also feeling very wrong at the thought of transitioning

>>40171230
No i just want you to understand how ridiculous you sound
You might not be a woman, in fact u probably arent
You are HIGHLY LIKELY to be trans
It isnt an ideology thing its a neurological condition

>>40171504
fmstl ig

I know I am highly likely to be trans at least in some way. No matter what, I continue to feel like mentally ill cis guy that somehow ended up in this predicament.
I wish I were a woman, not for the sake of being one, but because it would make a lot of these decisions way easier

Nta but you should probably consider if you have OCD and see a therapist about it. Untreated OCD will fuck you up, it seems fine and manageable until it isn't.

>>40171893
Will talk to a therapist about it. To be for real though, what type of OCD gives one the urge to take estrogen?
While I still stand by what I've said about being very disturbed by the effects of estrogen, I don't think I've been clear enough in expressing that I do desire all of them in some weird and vague way.
The thought of my body and especially face masculinizing further only fills me with anxiety right now. Before all of this, I have never paid any thought to it though. I have always been disgusted with how most men age, especially considering that I have eastern european genetics which will most likely turn me into an ogre in the next 2 decades at most. Perhaps this is why my mind latched onto the idea of hrt as soon as I've discovered it's an option.
Ironically, I am also kind of disgusted of how a lot of women age, so it's kind of a lose lose situation.

I also can't get over the thought that taking e feels like a vain choice on my end, since I wouldn't take it in order to alleviate dysphoria. It feels like it's a purely aesthetic decision. There is no reason for me not accept looking good as a guy though.
I simply can't figure out what is keeping me from just accepting the fact that I am a guy and that I actually do like it.

I have peered over the fence onto greener pastures I do not belong to.
Now, the envy of what never was and never will be consumes me

>>40171276
You should try a total detox from transgenderism and see if you feel differently
Ultimately you need to confront and solve this one way or another

>>40173148
Been there done that. It didn't stop me from thinking about hrt, especially when my vial of e was in my immediate vicinity.
I've been thinking about whether I just should give being a man another go. See if I like it. Yet I feel like if I truly liked being a man, I wouldn't be in this predicament to begin with. I genuinely had it all, but it never felt substantial or real. I've never really felt like I qualify as a human to begin with.
Perpetually an observer

>>40175724
In that case just go for it and troon. I don’t know if you’re trying to justify trooning or ask for permission / search for a valid pretext or what. It’s fine to do random shit in life. It’s fine to be bizarre. It’s fine to wade through the river of experience when you don’t know what’s on the other side, especially when it calls to you every waking moment of every day. Trooning made me focus on other shit, I don’t think about “what if I was a girl” every day now, I just live my life with the occasional dive into this new part of life, stagnation is poison. Hopefully this makes sense and helps you I guess.

>>40170553 (OP)
Just take a dht blocker christ