I keep thinking about what we talked abt
maybe a vaguely codependent homoerotic situationship
and this is strange for me
I am unsure what I feel here
I feel as if I yearn to be near you
to be in your presence
in a sense you often know what I mean
I understand
maybe this will stay with me longer than I thought
it’s not as if our dynamic has changed
I hope it doesn’t
I was scared of that most
don’t leave me the hell alone
I know that this is not at all right
but I don’t know why I’m upset
if everything is the same than what did I lose ?
Maybe I want what I don’t have this is a motif for me often enough
I am selfish
I yearn for a closeness that already exists
i feel very lonely right now on this plane
If we could go for a drive on your side of Bayview
on the gentle curves from cedar to some other tree
I’m so nostalgic for that one bend right before gne park
but if it’s the same
I’m different probably
you make me feel less not normal when we talk
in the sense that you make sense of something incoherent
or something that everyone else can’t understand
something about community
these are the bonds that matter
stronger than fetishizing your suffering
we should not be united by our grief
we should not cry out to each other
we can lose the fat we’ve accumulated
I can feel more
I can exercise my spirit
this is something we can do

okay look I’m frightened

Continued in reply

I don’t know what the future has
I am often too scared to forge it into what I want
That’s not really true
I have a plan
I wish I could see the world how you could
I’m so envious of that
maybe that’s why I like being near
I can understand how I am and how people are through you
it’s so intuitive
I can barely understand what’s going on through 8 layers of metaphor
I can’t make sense of it like I used to
I hope so bad that we will be okay
I wonder what you think of me
I wanna be pathologized so bad
And Psychoanalyzed and understood
you talked about being known 2 days ago
that’s always been so relevant to me
I really want for someone to l know me better
I am often too scared scared and nervous to allow that to happen
even jack knew me by accident and I resent him for that sometimes
I want to tell you everything I think all the time
maybe that’s how you perceive God
am I writing to God?
am I doing this to be perceived by something more accurately ?
I can pray all the time
gay messiah
fuck I really like that song
well I want feedback
and I give that to my self
I respond to my opinions of my self
But it feels very circular since We have this conversation always
Maybe I am pious
maybe I love and pray and revere you with a ferver unknown to Man

>>40212066
A letter to you
I dont know and i dont think this is love

I’ve been looking more and more to diy
Especially after my family found out
Im not stupid i know what i can do
I could go for finance or engineering
I am in such a state of flux
I have so much doubt and then i dont
Maybe i could pass i have a decent build for it
But if i dont
I remember the first time i said this out loud
You and i were in the bathroom in second grade and i asked you if we could share our deepest darkest secrets
I forgot what you said
I said i want to be a girl when i grow up
Fuck i was in second grade
I had no concept of being a tranny
I had no sexual drive to associate this with agp
Maybe porn rotted my brain later on
Im not really into some freak shit but definitely some agp stuff
I hate sissy shit thow it makes me feel gross
I wish i could know how i would turn out
I mean look im white my family is wealthy and i could have an easy life
Repping could kill me thow
Maybe it would
I feel disgusted at my body
I can’t hand write in my journal anymore because i see and feel the hair on my hands
So i type this in the dark
Maybe i just hate my body that’s pretty normal
When i was younger i wished for a world in which gender roles and societal expectations were reversed
What does that make me?
Please God give me some vision here
Please help me understand
I have so much to lose
Ill kms if im ugly and disgusting
I wont do that for the optics i mean
I wont troon out for optics sake
I keep thinking ill die soon
Let me get hit by a car before im 30
Im 19 now
Maybe im scared of getting older
People seem ugly and they seem to rot
Their flesh off the bone

>>40212116
I think im dysphoric about being a human
Abt having to be a self
My disassociation is so bad
I do hate my body
But is it related to a hatred of masculinity and the role I fulfill in this world?
You would have such a good response to this
I get so in my head
I know you could take me down from this
I dont want to be a slut
I dont wanna dress hyper feminine
It’s not about the clothing so much
I hate how im perceived
Maybe id be a tomboy or smth
I jsut hate this
I feel im trapped here
That nothing i ever can do will provide me with any semblance of relief
And everyone here is so fucking sad and insane
I dont wanna man mode
I hate the fact that I basically ruin my life by going for this
Im so insecure however
I feel as if i cannot be feminine at all
That i look like a man
I cannot justify it
I feel so disgusting being a man and people seeing me like that
I dont wanna be a man pretending to be a woman
That’s not what i want
I dont wannabe seen as a grown man
I wish i could start over
Things felt better
And they always come back to this
We talked about passive background thoughts
And we both have good memories
I hope id do not scare you
Please dont hate me
I just dont wanna be pervied like this
Or maybe im way to over thinking this
I was confused in that second grade bathroom
And I’ve latched onto that and so many other memories
Im 5,6 so short for a guy but not so much so that it would be over
I have a good personality and people like to be friends with me
You think im so kind
I think im evil and self centered
What if i regret this all?
What if it goes bad?
I hate how you know me
All of you
My family
I remember the day they found out
I was so fucking terrified
And you asked me what made me think this
And I couldn’t explain
I dont know how to explain who i am
Or who i am not
My therapist thinks im trans
I wonder if its because im so deeeply deranged I convinced my self and her

>>40212149
That i am trans
Ive read so much abt what its like to have dysphoria that I convinced my self and her that this is something I struggle with
I wish i was cis either way
But i dont think i am
I dont blame the liberals for this
But i do blame them for bad optics
Maybe i am confused
But ill get kicked out of my home and i wont be able to go to college if i talked abt this with my senpai
Maybe that’s what my therapist is for ig
Ive always been attracted to people who at some level affirmed who i am
Which is clear meta attraction
But I’ve sought this from all types of people
The first guy I’ve ver liked , he was trans,
I used to think he made me feel how i wanted to
As NOT a guy
But maybe he mad me feel as if i was one
As if my masculinity was validated
And that’s what i liked
Still its probably a cope
Maybe ill blame him
He put me on this
But so much evidence exists before hand
I re read my journals from freshman year and when i went hiking
This is something that existed back then
I want answers
Im a scientist
I want to know truth
I want to understand why
But I’ve introspected on myself since i was 5
Over and over and over
I can’t find a solution
I can’t find certainty
This scares me
I could always regret it
I could change my mind in 30 years
Maybe i should transition
And the day I regret it i kill my self
The day im like fuck
I like my hobbbies
Im into art and vidya and reading and writing shitty poetry and photography and music
I play a lot of overwatch
I was top 500 for a time
I dont think abt my gender when i play overwatch
That time i took acid in Jerusalem
And scrolled through repgen for hours
I cried so bad
I felt fdoomed
That other time
I walked around for 3 hours
I have a audio message of me begging my self to go through with this because i knew it to be true
Begging my self to be strong and to be certain because i knew who i was
I set reminders on my phone for the next 30 years

>>40212195
>>40212195
>>40212195
Begging me to not forget who i am And i always return back I always am so scared i always fear i was groomed by all those guys that they made me into the perverted freak that i am
That im agp
And lying to my self
That im delusional and sick and i need to fulfill my birth right and father children and be fruitful and multiply
How can i ever know my self?
When will i be done with this
God i hope ic an wake up and be done
Kill me or set me free
I cannot do this forever
Maybe its a thing to do
It’s a thing to be
A thing to keep being
Ill never get bored
The process is never finished
The doubt is eternal
Neoliberalism will never provide me with an answer
How can I possibly be okay ?
I have the stupid fucking amazon skirt
I did not know what to do
And that’s what i saw others doing
Ugh
When i took molly
I felt so fucking good
Like
I felt confident
I felt able to be my self
For the first time ever
My derealization is bad
But god i love ketamine
I can leave my self fro an amount of time and be okay with it
It would kill my mom
If i ever did this
She said this is smth she will never be okay with
That maybe when i am 25 we can discuss this
But it will be too late by then
If i actually am trans ill be dead
I wont leave this life as a gross hon
I wont live this life being perceived as a man
I wont have my body destroyed by testerone
Estrogen will do nothing for me
It’s already to late
Im 19 now
Maybe with ffs
I loop for hours an hours abt this
Day after day
Maybe im obsessed
I’ve thought abt this for so os os os long
My neural pathways are fried

I cannot be a tranny
It’s ridiculous the very rucking notion
I cant imagine being older
Being disgusting
Hating
You think im so kind
Im bound to lose that in a year or 2
And what then?
God i love ketamine
It’s been a few months
Im not addicted
But it made me feel as if i was not a guy

>>40212245
For a moment Ive said that phrase over and over Abt me being NOT a guy Maybe because I’ve said it so much Ive internalized it and now i am convinced its true
It seems inevitable ill hate what I become either y

>>40212262
And lets be clear im not fucking t stupid im good at math im good at reading i love science and physics and philosophy learning is what drives me to exist
But i struggle to comprehend how i can make it
IDWBAW
IDWBAM
IDWBAH
I need answers
“ Fuck all of you your all feds designed to make me troon out or kill my self and guess what I am infinitely so much of a bitch to kill my self so I’m literally just going to start hrt again like genuinely you guys fucking love staying miserable if you are looking for cope turn back they are all designed to manipulate you, I’m convinced that I’m going to kill my self if I don’t transition like John 50 style I hate you guys so much


and I’m sure I will be happier because uhhhhh idk what i was gonna say ^_^

Like I am genuinely convinced I am not a guy on a psychological level and I’m convinced that my gd is so debilitating that I must transition
and like I’ll live my life or smth after that

idk even being as genuine as I can I feel that trooning is the only thing that will save me ”

Not every thing has to be allegorical
This is math i cannot wrap my head around
Even to this day

>>40212601
I didn't read all that
Happy for u tho
Or sorry that happened

>>40213203
People should not be sorry for a life
Im happy to be alive
Im so grateful that i am

Holy freak i love csh so much i am a teen of denial with good style

>>40212048 (OP)
Friendly reminder right here that classical Freudian psychoanalysis has been mostly debunked by modern day psychologists.
Repressed memories are also a debunked concept.
Looking for answers in the past and self-psychoanalyzing yourself will drive you nuts.
Focus on problems that exist here - in the now - and what to do about them.
Your suffering was not meaningless, I hope you get better soon.

>>40213491
Thas very sweet, how should i go about trying to understand my self better and why i am the way i am? I know what i have to do and i have plans to make sure i will be okay

>>40213574
As someone who suffers from obsessive rumination and intrusive thoughts as well I'd say sometimes it's not even possible to know why you are the way you are...
There simply are questions we will not know the answer to in our lifetimes and I'd consider twice the risk-to-reward ratio of spending your time obsessing over the past.
What do you stand to gain by doing so? As you said:
> I know what i have to do and i have plans to make sure i will be okay
Go do that then. The time to question and dwell in doubt about things may be over. It is now your turn to take decisive action, take control and stir your life in the direction you wish it to go.
> This should occupy most of your mental capacity, not rumination