everyone says hrt is supposed to make you feel better and it did for a while but now im suffering constantly. i was agressive and psychotic and probably a horrible person when i was repping but i kinda miss it because at least i didnt have false hope. im the fakest faketranny to ever live and theres literally no chance i will ever pass. i need to stop because literally everyone i know is going to hate me and berate me for being an evil faggot if they find out. my entire life my future was nothing but black it was black and now its just fog and i dont know what to do. i miss knowing how im going to die

>>40212147 (OP)

HRT isn't supposed to make you feel good, it's supposed to adjust your hormonal profile. You seem like you understand this given the rest of your post but just making sure. You seem to have all the reasons in the world not to transition, but that is not enough as you are realizing and feeling. Fixing a problem isn't enough, something has to also propell us to take on new problems. Something has to replace transitioning as a source of value in your life. Until you can find that there is no point in stopping your transition, it would only be a temporary break before you crawl back.

>>40212147 (OP)
Do whatever makes you most comfortable. It sounds like you're a bit directionless, but it's not like I know you. If you go off of it and then realise that you still want to continue, you can do that, too

>>40212147 (OP)
>>40212147 (OP)

I just wrote a lot abt smth smth similar
>>40212048

Read it lmk what you think
I have no value as a human

I know this is an extremely unpopular opinion here but have you considered antidepressants? Often you will hear people say bad things about all of them because they tried one and didn't like it. ADs are not without side effects otherwise everyone would take them by default, but if your depression is holding you back or making it impossible to live your life, those side effects may be worth it. You never hear loud obnoxious diatribes from people who had good experiences because they're not online being angry all the time.

It took me a few years and some trial and error before finding a combo that worked for me (meaning I can live with the specific side effects and it gets the job done). Would I rather not be on them? Obviously, but these are the cards I was dealt, I'm a depressive cynical weirdo and it keeps me afloat.

>>40212185
but dysphoria is the thing that made me drop out of college and made it so hard to work what new problems could i even find when im damned whether or not i take hrt
>>40212242
im probably going to but im scared because i went off of it for a bit before and had a horrific nightmare and felt awful
>>40212276
didnt read all of it its a lot of words but you should probably be admitted into something somewhere
>>40212291
could try but itd be hard to do with my shizo religious helicopter parents

>>40212375

>but dysphoria is the thing that made me drop out of college and made it so hard to work what new problems could i even find when im damned whether or not i take hrt

1. If transitioning is a distraction it's just a solution to having to face whatever problems brought you to transitioning. 2. It's not a source of motivation for you, finding that is a different problem. You have to find 2 or you might as well keep doing 1. That doesn't mean finding more issues to tackle. It probably means getting on antidepressants like anons said and self reflecting on what kind of person you can vision yourself being anew.

>>40212471

Basically I'm under the impression you aren't dysphoric and you should address the underlying issues instead.

Re-reading your posts maybe I misunderstood. When I read fake-tranny that's what I thought. I'm just not used to this idea that appealing to others matters. I mean I don't do it, it's irrational. Why would anyone chase passing in the eyes of others instead of self acceptance.

Ignore my advice, I can't help something like that.

>>40212375
What kind of religion is anti-antidepressants? I've never heard of such a thing. Religion makes people stupid but it's just that I have not encountered this particular strain of stupid before.

>>40212147 (OP)
If you gotta do it just do it. I can't keep it up anymore as I get older. Other things start to matter more and it can be impractical depending on your situation.

>>40212471
>>40212551
it seems like good advice ig i just feel stuck because im terrified of masculinizing further so i started hrt as soon as i could but im worried its all for nothing and its actually hindering me as i try to get myself out of this situation. i can only imagine myself in the future as a woman or a corpse and i refuse to accept anything else because it hurts
>>>40212567
oh its a very particularly stupid strain...
>>40212576
ig impractical is a good way to say it. being a tranny is impractical. in a vacuum maybe i could afford to be happy and myself but ill never be able to so thats why i need to stop

>>40212147 (OP)
>everyone says
This is not true, nor has it ever been true. You have always had people directly telling you in other threads that HRT is not a magic pill or injection. It will not transform you into a new person with agency distinct from your own. It is a means to an end, merely the best they've come up with from minimal research effort. In the before times of just a few decades ago it was monotherapy with horse piss estrogen. Back then hons also said how it transformed them physically and psychically. The methods change, but the story stays the same, hons always make magical appeals, but anti-hons have always told people the truth. You were told the truth and you just decided to ignore it. How can someone stop you from ignoring them? They really can't, that's entirely a you problem.
Your melodramatic posting style is really key here. Because it means you probably just used HRT and transition as a way to change your story, your inner narrative, and now you're finding out that it doesn't really help. Trans girls aren't posting this crap, they're just trying to live life as women. Not even the hons. That's a huge difference.

>>40212666
i knew hrt wasnt gonna change who i was or anything im not literally retarded. but in almost every story of some repper or whatever finally taking it they always report feeling better, and i did too. a little after taking hrt i felt better and more motivated to do things than i have in like maybe a decade (am 20) but then time passed and i realized i have no future because years of misery stunted me and being a tranny will just make that worse. and idk what u mean about the melodramatic style im just sad because ive always avoided thinking about the future but suddenly i do think about it and it scares me

>>40212810
But it's all bullshit anon. You should already know that relief is all psychological. If there was a culture around taking sugar pills and the relief from it, and not starting sugar pills when you're too old, then you would fall for that too. It's all bullshit.
Trans women experience that bullshit and placebo effect too, but after that dies down they've still transitioned and live as women. Transition is never the end state, it's always just getting from point A to point B in life. That doesn't apply to you.
When the basic psychological placebo delusions clear up, you're left with the same problems. Like listen to you, you're 20 and thinking about the good old days a decade ago? You were a kid, you were still growing, you can't ever go back. Listen to yourself. Your life as an adult has just started, and this has nothing to do with transition. Your very real psychological problem is revealed by your melodramatic attitude, "after 2 years of being an adult life is ruined, boo hoo hoo", which has nothing to do with the very practical concerns of living as a woman.
Putting all of the nonsensical gender distractions aside, you still have 40-50 years as a working adult left, and then another 20-30 years as a pensioner. How is it over dude? Your entire life span up to this point is going to fit at least twice into the time you spend as a working adult. And you'll do it fully conscious, capable of thinking properly, and fully developed unlike most of your life up to now.
Being trans has got almost nothing to do with that. Even if you're in a bad situation, you really can't figure out how to move or do something else in life with 40+ years to work on it? Really? Because it sounds like you haven't even lived long enough to really make that kind of judgement call. That's melodramatic.

>>40213030
then fuck ig you convinced me im going off hrt.
but i do want to say im not just chasing this for some mystical relief i didnt expect to be all that relieved i just like all of the effects of hrt (except strong negative emotions ig). also wdym "good old days" when did i say that? there never were good old days there were only better days partially because because the social role of being a boy is moderately more tolerable than the role of being a man. life has been ruined since the moment i was born. "wow so melodramatic" im just saying that its been hard the whole way. and assuming i dont kill myself im probably just gonna have to live as a moderately effeminate gay guy because masculinity is hard and painful but i dont even like the idea of that. thanks for the advice tho

>>40213252
Bit it is not hard. What is hard is fixating on fake stuff like fulfilling a role, and nobody expecting you to fill it, then getting upset you're fucking yourself over. You just have to do what you want, fuck roles. Why is doing what you want as an adult so difficult? It can only be one of two things, one you're under your parent's thumb still or dependent on someone else, two you're a psychopath and you would get locked up if you did it.
If you're not restricted by the latter, then you just knuckle down and work on getting out of the former situation. If it's neither and you're fully independent then you need to stop caring what others say and figure out stuff you enjoy or at least appreciate. That's only as difficult as you make it for yourself.