>>40219018
But Ive done all that, except the tumeric.
There just doesnt feel like anything new to see anymore. I need a plan or something. This has been a problem my whole life. I build a stable situation, then its too stable, the routine sets in, I go nuts and blow it up just so I can rebuild.
Now rebuilding isnt so easy, and once you realize what youve been doing, you get suspicious of the trick youve been playing on yourself and ask why you are bothering.
I am supposed to like stability and routine. I screwed up by not having a family, if that were ever even possible, so now I dont have any outside influences to churn circumstances. Thats the problem with succeeding as a control freak. When you are in total control, theres nothing to fix and no one else to blame. Its a conundrum.
This waiting to die shit is just boring though. Which has implications.
Like Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption, living or dying, get busy doing one or the other.
I saw this happen to all my older family too, and why I sort of curse modern medicine. You just sort of know when its past time. And now even if I did imagine there was something to look forward to, I would know I made it up in my head. People need challenges. The shame of first world problems I guess.
I mean, I get ideas. But I know they would destroy me in the attempt. And I have to wonder if maybe that is the bloody point, and maybe it was all along.
