This question is mainly for the guys that were with girls while not knowing they were gay yet or when they were supressing themselves.

Did you have crushes on girls and feel romantic love towards them during that period? Or were you just essentially roleplaying?

Serious question BTW, im trying to use it as a stepping stone to figuring things out.

>>40251440 (OP)
before i 'knew' i was gay it was kind of a mix of both, sort of did have crushes but all of my 'fantasizing' was about essentially being friends with the girl, i only really dated them because i wanted the outward appearance of being in a (straight) relationship to other people so it was sort of roleplaying in a way too. I was repulsed by the idea of actually having sex with them and had a lot of other hangups too related to physical contact.
i did actually like them as people, i would say that i did "love" them but not the way that you love a romantic partner

>>40251861
I see. Thanks for the reply! Im getting a hang up on the friends thing because I think I really wanted to be more than friends with girls i liked and would fantasize about life with them. Dunno if someone who is gay or repressed would go that far

I never imagined myself with a woman, I was never interested either romantically or sexually, actually, for the entirety of highschool this girl always tried to become my girlfriend and it was only until last semester that I accepted, and even then it was difficult to adjust to her, it helped that she was a tomboy and was always telling me he was a man and stuff like that.

After a while I developed a bit of attraction to women, but still, never enough to seek being with another one, I'm just not interested.

Every girl I ended up with turned out non-binary or a butch lesbian - I was seeking out masculine traits in girls before I even knew thought ab being gay

>>40251918
i fantasized about life with them too but when i look back at it those fantasies usually related to having the outward appearance of being in a straight relationship

life is weird and "gay" and "straight" are just categories that people made up, the actual reality of human sexuality is a lot stranger and theres a lot of 'wiggle room', sometimes things change, its weird

>>40252105
me too (i'm the first reply), most were lesbians, one's even FtM now i think

>>40252119
I don't recall ever feeling the need to have a straight appearance and I think I just wanted it without any pressure or anything and one of the reasons I say that is that I never liked telling anyone about the girls I liked and I basically never told anyone other than close friends when I was with my ex

>>40251440 (OP)
I had crushes and romantic feelings that felt very genuine, I had girls I felt drawn towards and it felt very natural to pursue them, but when it came to sex and physical intimacy I felt nothing, no spark, no desire, no arousal, and that part felt like a roleplay. My emotional interest in them was more of a pureminded romantic thing, but that doesn't really work, my high school gf could tell something was missing and she suspected I was gay before I did. I thought I was just a "late bloomer," which I was, but when my sexual interest really kicked in it was all directed towards males.

In hindsight it made sense because during childhood/adolescence I also had really intense emotional feelings towards certain male friends, only one at a time, that went way beyond what was normal for a platonic friendship even if I didn't recognize it as such until later. I sorta just default-assumed and fully believed that I was straight until the evidence to the contrary became overwhelming

I'm probably at least a little bit bisexual but I'd be like a kinsey 5, I'm much better suited to being with males, everything "works" and fits together when I have one that I really like

>>40251440 (OP)
Roleplaying; I never dated women, not even a chaste school romance as even at a young age I knew I was drawn to boys and never had romantic crushes on girls. However, ironically as much as I had a 'distaste' for women in a romantic sense, I didn't/dont have in a physical sense. I can find the female form sexually stimulating. Its not inane or natural in the way it is with men - the whole package just clicks, but going through the physical sensations is fine, and at times in my early 20's (haven't had sex with a woman in 5 years and dont plan on ever again) enjoyed it. I was a late bloomer sexually, but quickly after moving to a big city after uni made up for it and fucked lots of men and women.
If I was to psychoanalyse why even though I had a strong sense of my gay identity why I fucked women, I think it came from both a place of sexual insecurity - even though I grew up in a very liberal environment where being gay wasn't a big deal, I still felt some shame out of only being into men and I found it to be a flaw in my sense of my own masculinity. I think being a 'top' also lended it being easier to fuck women as I naturally enjoy being more dominant- I always find it interesting when gay guys who come out later, or bi guys who bottom for men, go through it.

>>40252306
The closest thing to being sexually intimate with someone was when I got a lap dance at a strip club at 21 and I remember feeling really turned on and wanting sex and even almost embarrassingly jazzed in my pants. But I did really like boobs starting when I was young

>>40251440 (OP)
I had crushes on girls in elementary school but that was sort of just aping Media and others' expectations of me. Actual romantic and sexual interest in the opposite sex never happened.

>>40252423
You're probably a notch or two less gay than I am. I like boobs too, but I just like em aesthetically, not sexually. If I'd been in your situation, I would've sorta just pretended to be into the lap dance so that the stripper wouldn't feel insulted

>>40252501
Where would you say you are on the scale?

>>40251440 (OP)
i thought i liked girls in my own unique way. i knew it was different from others but i thought it was still true.
but i could never have sex with them without forcing it with drugs i tried all kinds of drugs to try to be straight and sometimes i was still soft. and it was always dissociated and feeling like pretending to be a straight man. roleplaying.

>>40252763
Prolly a 5, I'm the same anon here >>40252306

Bisexual enough that it took a while to figure out I was gay, but gay enough that it makes more sense to just identify as gay

>>40252812
Ah, thanks!

>>40252784
Did you have to force yourself to get hard