where does masochism come from?

t. masochistic trans girl who wants to stop being this way

>>40281594 (OP)
Idk about you but I was bullied by boys my age at about the same time i was attracted to them, I think it was that for me

>>40281594 (OP)
Needing attention and feeling like they deserve punishment

>>40281594 (OP)
somewhat important question, are you a virgin/do you have actual experience with masochism in the bedroom? also what was your childhood like in terms of your relationship with peers and family?

>>40281667
>are you a virgin?
yes
>do you have actual experience with masochism in the bedroom?
in my first and so far only relationship my ex would pin me down on her bed and be on top of me and make it so that i was physically unable to escape no matter how much i tried, and then makeout with me. sometimes she would make me wear handcuffs. she would whisper in my ears sometimes "i'm going to rape you".
It was so scary and unlike anything I had every experienced. but, it made me really really happy in this way i couldn't control. i hated how much i enjoyed it. it made me feel weird. i don't understand why someone would like being treated like that, but i did, a lot.
>what was your childhood like in terms of your relationship with peers and family?
I was extremely socially isolated and mostly didn't speak. I had a terrible relationship with my family and they would yell at me all the time and I would avoid them as much as I could.

>>40281594 (OP)
taking power away from your victimisers by fetishising their abuse, while trying to please them on the surface, so that you don't incur more punishment (a further form of control over it). in addition, by repeating the acts of abuse over and over (in your imagination or in play), you're gaining a sense of mastery over it-- yet more control.
masochism can also be a form of sadism, where you desire to make others the villain in an interaction, giving you the safety of being the innocent victim. by making someone else humiliate you, you may secretly feel that it's them who are truly being humiliated, your masochism acting as revenge.

>>40281746
these are parroted explanations, but seeing op's above response, i'll speak from the heart.
it's felt as though the only use i could have for someone else, the only way i might be able to receive love, is through abuse. it feels like truth. it sets my mind at ease, because what i expected to happen has happened. love has always been selfish and cruel to me, and so when it's expressed in that language, it makes sense. conversely, when someone sells love as something altruistic and benevolent, it sets me on edge.
it can feel as if they see me for who i truly am (useless, pathetic, etc.), and yet they still stick around, or can even find some enjoyment in those traits. i no longer feel i'm deceiving others, or as if i have to deceive them to be loved.
it's these thoughts i think that are the root of (my) masochism.

>>40281887
I can relate to this so much oh my god... that's exactly how I feel...

>>40281594 (OP)
I personally think it has to do with receiving corporal punishment as a child.

Similarly to how the weak reframe their weakness as strength, you have an inbuilt psychological drive whose sole purpose is to end your suffering. When you're in a situation of complete helplesness, this part of your brain is activated so that you don't get to feel what it's like to be eaten alive by a lion. The reason why it feels disgusting afterwards is because you're unconsciously realizing you should have had the power to fight back and didn't. The way to end this is to engage in equitable relationships. Or take the female route and start going into powertrips.

>>40282571
Some will be beaten, spanked or verbally/psychologically abused and will transform that into anger and aggression (become abusers, bullies, criminals), others I guess will transform it into shame and taboo which almost always manifests sexually down the line.

>>40282589
that makes sense to me as a way of coping, but why would i start to crave it?

>>40282589
Doesn't make any sense.

>>40282622
Same reason the catholic loves lashing himself. His actions and values are inherently anti-life yet they give him such a high feeling of power that he can't stop doing it. It's all will to power. The strong express it freely, but the weak have to be inventive. You have to consider that while we are animals and act upon instinct, our difference is that we can make rational evaluations of them, which invites interpretations upon our instincts. Some are dysfunctional, like the guy in the example above, or yours, which people justify as being a "kink".

>>40282655
i was actually raised catholic and i think it was really traumatic for me, but i've since renounced the faith.

I'm happy you think I am not dysfunctional :)

>>40282681
Did you receive corporal punishment as a child? Or get verbally abused and psychologically abused? I think that's much more likely to be where this comes from, my aunt slapped me when I walked too girly and to this day I kinda have shame around being feminine.

>>40282701
I was never beaten to the point of having bruises or anything like that but sometimes I was spanked
In recent memory my older brother apologized to me for "making me transgender" (which he does not approve of) by hitting me and being mean to me so much when we were younger. He said he knocked a tooth out of my head one time. I don't remember that, I think he's lying.
Verbally/psychologically, maybe a bit...

>>40282681
It's more common than you imagine. I want to tell you not to worry so much about it, but reason is helpless against feeling and instinct. Yours revolts against what you presently are, so now it is your duty to become what you will to become. This is power, and in my opinion, this is a healthy way to express power. Good luck finding it in you. It's only a matter of time.

>>40282731
I think that's something that can give some major hints as to why you developed these BDSM interests, not being trans though, being transgender is innate.
As for what you do with it, I guess there's nothing you can do about it because corporal punishment, physical abuse and verbal/psychological abuse goes really deep, and since it has tied itself up to shame and taboo and started to manifest sexually, it's basically way too deeply entrenched, just enjoy it safely and realize this comes from somewhere but there's no reason to feed the shame around it right now.

>>40282796
thankyou for your advice

self hate

>>40282796
>*writes out paragraphs of made up imaginary trauma connections for why someone is a masochist*
>"not being trans though, being transgender is innate."
This place is a fucking riot sometimes, the total lack of self awareness is pure comedic gold.

>>40283431
being a polfag stems from imaginary trauma

>>40283431
so you think my older brother hitting me *did* make me trans...