How does one get rid of pseudo-dysphoria?

I've never been dysphoric, but ever since I've learned about transitioning and hrt, I'm stuck hating the fact that I am not dysphoric.
I don't mind my facial hair, but I hate being able to tolerate it.
I don't mind my genitals, but I hate my indifference to them.
I don't mind my body and face, but I hate apathy and occasional pride I get from it.
Everything just reminds me that I am just a cis man, and it's tearing me apart.
All I want is to either be a cis man in peace again, or transition and be happy as a woman or even just a hon

>>40474069 (OP)
you caught the virus. there's no way back now. we're fucked - for the rest of our lives.

>>40474069 (OP)
Why would u want to have dysphoria? Do u think being trans is a better life?

>>40474095
op doesn't say they want dysphoria.

>>40474078
Definitely feels like it. Genuinely absurd position to be in

>>40474095
Obviously I don't want dysphoria, but actual dysphoria would at least feel legitimate in some way.
All I have is some weird fixation on the fact that transitioning will never be the right path in my life.
I can't even tell whether I do want to transition, but I am thinking about taking e again daily, so there is that

>>40474132
> Genuinely absurd position to be in
yes, awful awful awful situation i feel with you in these times
i reallly tried my best to live a fulfilled life before ts, but now, everything feels different. did i just dissociate away from this all my life? i can't tell whether i'm more or less lucid rn than before.

>>40474201
Tried my best as well, but I just completely shattered one day, which was even before all this tranny bs started
I've obsessively tried to find any childhood signs, but there are genuinely none, besides maybe the extremely persistent depersonalization I've always had. I was just a regular boy.
I have literally zero memories of my body growing up, so I have no clue how I actually felt about it. Memories of it only start from 16 onward, where I decided to start working out.
It's nice knowing you are "improving" your body, but I've lost any and all body passing potential because of it.
In the end childhood signs don't matter though, since I am still stuck in this predicament

>i can't tell whether i'm more or less lucid rn than before.
At this point I've given up all hope on 'being more lucid' / feeling more alive.
This is all there is to life, and I am probably just deluding myself into believing I'm missing out on something

>>40474280
yeah same, i have no memories of my body. in my memories, i don't have a body.
somehow i feel like i've been digging a hole to find a treasure, only to realize i dug too far to crawl back out.

>>40474318
In general I live almost completely ignoring my body. I very much know how I look and that it is my body, but it simply is inconsequential to me.
This means that I barely feel anything because of it in general, no joy nor pain.

>somehow i feel like i've been digging a hole to find a treasure, only to realize i dug too far to crawl back out.
I'm currently trying desperately to climb back out, as the hole I've dug doesn't seem too deep yet.
It all started about 10 months back, but I've already been on e, stopped, went on it again, and stopped again in that time.
At the beginning, I was so convinced there was actually some treasure to be found, that I'll actually start enjoying life by transitioning, but it's all been an illusion
Would be easier to ignore all this, if I were past twink death face wise

>>40474417
the point of no return is when you become self-aware. when, from the deepest layers of your consciousness, the thought
> i am trans
emerges.
this thought wants to be endulged, it's like a mind virus that demands ever more your attention. it glares you in the face with it's grimace.
trapped by our own minds is what we are. free will is an illusion. the choice has been made not by us, but for us.

>>40474069 (OP)
Sounds like you crave self transformation and permission to be soft

>>40474472
100% this.
To me it all started when I had a random dream where nothing was out of the ordinary, besides me being a woman. That was the first time I felt alive ever since I was a child.
This didn't make me think about being trans though. I just thought of it as odd, but I tried my best to revel in that sensation for as long as I could.
Only about ~2 months later something clicked in my mind, and the conscious thought of "I am trans" emerged. Back then, this "revelation" filled me with boundless hope, which only slowly eroded away with each passing day.
Now I am at the point of believing that I was just a genuinely deluded cis man, and being perpetually filled with existential dread because of it. Even simply going outside is a whole endeavor, since seeing women just reminds me again of what I never was and never will be.

>>40474485
It does sound like it, but I am skeptical of this being the root of my desire. I don't actually really want to change who I am as a person that much. All I want is to feel like I am actually living life and not simply passively existing.
I don't even really want to be particularly soft. Estrogen robbing one's strength is genuinely one of the only downsides to me, but at least you can still maintain parts of it by working out.
Me wanting to remain strong is just another proof that I am just a cis man though, which just triggers my inane pseudo dysphoria

>>40474069 (OP)
i don't know, i worried about it for years but i just decided to get on hrt anyway and stop caring about if im actually trans or not. i know i'd be happier as a woman and i try to ignore everything else

>>40475261
the thing is... you're past the point of no return. your mind has developed this pathology. just as a thunderstorm will suddenly ravage the calmest, most beautiful day, there is nothing you can do.
>>40475277
yeah seriously just take the meds if you need to and whatever you think about yourself is just blabla

>>40475277
>>40475303
What if I am also almost certain that hopping back on hrt will only ruin my life even more and also give me reverse dysphoria?
I wish this thought alone would be enough to make me stop thinking of trooning, or for my assumption to be proven wrong so that I can troon in peace
All of this just is the worst lose lose situation I've ever found myself in

>>40475346
i think you're just a tranny idk... like of course you can stop hrt i'm not pinkpilling you. to the contrary, please make a thread if the thoughts ever go away after stopping so that I have some hope that I can ever go back.
but as it stands, my mind is infected, terminally infected. i can feel it.

OP literally the exact same thing happened to me

I finally tried HRT and it gave me intense reverse dysphoria

I am fucked either way

>>40475390
how long were u on it? do you desire to go back on hrt sometimes? why are you still on the tranny board?

>>40475452
>how long were u on it?
About two months

>do you desire to go back on hrt sometimes?
I think about it like twice a month on average even though it's been years

>why are you still on the tranny board?
No idea. I am very sexually attracted to trans girls so that's at least one part of it

>>40475464
> I think about it like twice a month on average even though it's been years
would you consider yourself a repper then? what do you fantasize about in particular?

>>40475365
I am aware of how much I sound like a tranny, but it all just doesn't add up in my mind. There must be some other explanation of how I got here.
Some days I "dissociate" so much that all of this just becomes a comedy to me, and I can do is laugh and cry over it all

>>40475390
>>40475452
I was on it for 3 moths the first time around and stopped only because the breast growth, which started of slow initially, picked up pace and became too much too handle (was able to fill a b-cup, but that was more because of my pecs). Got a panic attack which crippled me for 2 days, and I decided to stop.
Started again about a month later and stopped after the 3rd injection because it all felt insane to me.

>do you desire to go back on hrt sometimes?
Daily. I flip back and forth in between thinking I should've never stopped and being convinced I never ever should take it again.
Aging as a man is horrifying to me, but so is aging as a woman, only in a different way. Currently think that aging as a man is worse overall though

>why are you still on the tranny board?
I actually came here after stopping hrt. I started hating the attitude and lack of nuance in other trans spaces. I've posted on this board a couple of times and there was always someone in a similar situation to commiserate with, while other trans spaces just repeat the same buzz words and act as if the solved all issues

>>40475595
Forgot to mention that I'm the op.
Doesn't really matter, but my account is a bit different

>>40475595
>do you desire to go back on hrt sometimes?
>Daily.
nona wtf it really sounds to me like ur just a tranny that became afraid of being publicly outed as such.

>>40475480
>would you consider yourself a repper then?
I consider myself a fakerepper. I am not repressing anything, only acting like it. The point can be made that I am repping away my desire to troon, but at this point I don't even know what I really desire

>what do you fantasize about in particular?
Nothing. I am unable to fantasize, only ever think clinically about stuff. This only adds to my feeling of me being truly soulless.
Whenever I do think about trooning though, I only ever think about simply living my life, while maybe having a chance at looking like a woman in some way

>>40475480
>would you consider yourself a repper then?
No, not at all

>what do you fantasize about in particular?
Nothing? I just thought HRT would make me look or feel more physically attractive and I wonder if I ruined a good looks optimization path. I don't know though. I never wanted breasts or anything

>>40475627
Won't deny that I am afraid of being publicly outed as a tranny, but this fear isn't what impacted my decision to stop.
The thing that actually triggered my panic attack over my breast growth, was actually the realization that continuing to take e will inevitably make me unable to be a guy anymore without putting in a lot of unnecessary effort in detransing.
Whenever I feel like taking estrogen again would be a good decision, I am also convinced that I don't care about being a guy, but rather care about trying to be "myself".
This very quickly flips back around though, where I simply can't imagine taking estrogen without losing my mind

>>40475713
This is also pretty much what made me stop

>>40475694
>I just thought HRT would make me look or feel more physically attractive
This is something I wonder about daily. It really feels like a big part of why I desire hrt sometimes, is just pure vanity.
Looking good is also achievable as a guy though, and I ever have good genetics for that, so it's actually pretty stupid of me to think that I'd look better as a twinkhon(at best) rather than a handsome guy.
Vanity is also a pretty bad goal to have, since it's an ever shifting goalpost. There is no fulfillment to be had from it

Making this thread and talking about it really motivated me to just be a guy.
That only lasted about half an hour until I saw an image of a woman and everything fell apart again

This sounds like repressed blunted emotions being rationalized. Pseudo dysphoria is fake. Being trans sucks and if living ur life is hard/boring/wrong that u imagine living as a tranny is easier thats just because u are a tranny.
>Worried u can manmode with breasts
No one notices

>>40477067
so are you gonna troon or not?

>>40477135
Well, I'm at the point where the only way I feel emotions is through rationalizing them, but that only leads me to feel like every emotion is something I gaslight myself into feeling.
That also makes it basically impossible to determine whether my life sucks because I am trans, or because I am forcing to be something I'm not

>No one notices
True if I put in the effort to hide them, but that doesn't include all the situations where hiding them is not an option

>>40477266
BRO YOU GOT THE FUCKING TRANNY DISEASE ALREADY

>>40477266

This psychological profile matches mine and every tranny i know.

>>40477215
I don't know...
I wish I could just commit to one or the other, but transitioning feels like I will ruin my life through action and not transitioning feels like I will ruin my life through inaction.
There must be a secret third option that isn't suicide. Thought about doing shrooms or other psychedelics to fully kill my ego only

>>40477284
>>40477292
Terrible fate if so.
And I am still supremely stupid, because I simply can't see it.
It's like I once in the past took a single wrong turn and every step since then has inadvertently turned me into someone I never was.
This pandoras box was not meant for me, but curiosity got the better of me

>>40477350
> It's like I once in the past took a single wrong turn and every step since then has inadvertently turned me into someone I never was.
This pandoras box
YES BRO I GET IT THE WHOLE PANDORA'S BOX SHIT, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE!

>>40477401
I should have never read wholesome yuri as my only form of escapism as a teen. That was probably my first mistake.

Thanks to all for having patience with my stupid tranny (ig?) ass. There's probably nothing of importance to be added to this thread at this point.
Still can't see how transition could improve anything, but that's probably just anxiety filled stupidity on my part

>>40477475
IT DOESN'T MATTER WE LOVE YOU NONA.

>>40477707
Nvm, I lost the plot again. Thought about injecting again, and some switch flipped in my head and the thought of being a woman filled me with disgust again.
There's no way actual trannies have to deal with this. There must be something wrong with me.
Sry for being the way I am, but thank you for the encouragement. Kindness from anons on the internet means more to me than kindness from people I know irl

>>40477789
WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT ME TO SAY AT THIS POINT? NOBODY IS FORCING YOU TO TAKE ESTROGEN. WE LOVE YOU NONETHELESS.

>>40477812
Nothing really. I'm just venting at this point. These flips back and forth make me feel like I am losing my mind. The only consistent aspect is that most effects of testosterone also fill me with disgust.
I just can't determine which one disgusts me more rn.

>>40477859
YES YOU ARE LOOSING YOUR MIND. BUT THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING WE'RE ALL LOONIES HERE

>>40477916
It really sucks. I think I'll just let myself rot and see to which side I'll snap in the future

>>40478280
worst case scenario. decide NOW. tranny or not. if tranny get on HRT asap, if not, have happy life.

>>40478306
Can't have a happy life because I hate being a man, but can't get on hrt because I'm cis

>>40478358
you'll love it over in /mmg/ then

>>40474069 (OP)
Literally just block this and any similar site in your hosts file and make extreme effort to get a busy and active social life irl. Go to meetups. Go to events at coffee shops. Join some community political thing. Become a busybody.

>>40478280
I went through the same thing as you and I’m trans. I changed my mind on if I was or not so many times over a few years. I’m sorry you are going through this, it was hell for me. I think it was my ocd that made it so bad

>>40478769
Ironically, I apparently have a lot of luckshit potential, since I still regularly male fail in regular guy clothes. Last time it happened, a woman pointed me towards the women's restroom when I was just about to go in the men's restroom.
Really can't see how I even resemble a woman though. To myself I just look like a capital M Man.

>>40478850
Are you implying that I should do this in order to rep, or in order to lead a healthy social life? I definitely did all of these things and I still have a healthy enough social life, but that didn't change the fact that I ended up like this.
There was always an aversion to socializing and I always had to force myself to do anything, simply because I am never feeling like myself whenever I'm engaging with anybody, but at this point this might actually just be autism

>>40478851
Why do so many trans people that relate to me end up also having ocd? I am aware how much my whole dilemma resembles gender ocd, but I really doubt that's actually it.
I show no other signs of ocd in my life except when it comes to gender, and even then, it very much switches between looking like trans-ocd to looking like cis-ocd from minute to minute.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this as well, since I would also describe it as hell. Right now it's pretty bearable, but there were week long periods where functionally crippled by it all.
How did you end up gaining certainty in being trans? Knowing this might help me climb out of this hole I've dug myself

>>40479108
flip a coin. heads -> hrt. tails -> ur cisgender
you’re just talking like a tranny and saying the things that trannies say you just sound like me a year ago frankly i dont understand what you’re so caught up in. just do SOMETHING and hope it helps
>how do you end up gaining certainty
you know you can never know anything about yourself? the only way you can ever be “certain” about some property of your “self” is to decide for yourself what that property is. you can never know for certain anything about yourself.
>>40477789
>there’s no way actual trannies have to deal with this
i can’t believe you could think that after being in this board for any significant length of time this was me for the first like year of hrt

>>40479108
> I show no other signs of ocd in my life except when it comes to gender, and even then, it very much switches between looking like trans-ocd to looking like cis-ocd from minute to minute.

Well something that might help is looking at the reasons you fear being trans and cis (the “trans-ocd” and “cis-ocd”). For me I was scared to be trans because I might not pass, or no one would accept me, or just because being perceived as trans scared me, etc. When it came to me being scared I’m cis it was because it would mean I was wrong about being trans and that I had no idea what was wrong with me. I would always think, “Why do I care so much?”.
So I guess the “trans-ocd” was really just normal fears related to being trans rather than the idea of being trans itself.

>>40479544
It was basically me wanting to transition and fighting against normal fears from being trans vs my ocd asking, “What if you are wrong?”. Sorry if this makes no sense, I really wish I could help more. My biggest hurdle was scheduling an appointment to start hrt and eventually I just did it. And after I started taking it I realized I don’t want to stop no matter what, I didn’t even really care if I was trans or not anymore. It wouldn’t stop me taking hrt.
I guess it lines up with what people say to treat ocd, that you just have to accept you might not be trans and then you will slowly stop worrying. Of course assuming you are actually trans, then you will still have the tranny thoughts no matter what. (Also I didn’t even know I had ocd until I started questioning if I was trans). I hope this helps!

>>40479509
>frankly i dont understand what you’re so caught up in
I don't really understand what I am caught up in either. I'm aware just how much I sound like a tranny, but I still feel like I'm just a really weird cis man.
It's just that no matter what I do, everything feels wrong. It's all just so extremely contradictory

>i can’t believe you could think that after being in this board for any significant length of time
Whenever I read posts made by other trans people going through feeling like they are faketrans or how their struggle is self imposed, I just believe they have some very intense impostor syndrome, but I never think that applies to me as well.
Definitely doesn't feel like it does though. For me it genuinely feels like I am just creating a problem where there was none to begin with, but now I can't unmake the problem I imposed on myself

>>40479544
I fear being trans for all the obvious extrinsic reasons obviously, but I also fear being trans because there is a part of me that really doesn't want to transition. Whenever I am convinced I shouldn't transition, I am genuinely repulsed by the idea, as if it were body horror.
This flips back around very often though, where I am genuinely afraid I'm cis after all, and that transitioning will never be something I should ever do because of it. Whenever I am afraid of being cis, I do really want to just be a woman, or at least thinking of it as better than being a man in each and every way.

>>40479651
I've never scheduled an appointment in order to start hrt. Less than a month after I thought I might be trans, I ordered diy hrt and immediately started taking it.
In the beginning I was genuinely excited to take hrt because I finally felt like I was doing something meaningful with my life, but with each passing day, the doubts only got louder. This only got worse until it felt like I had no other choice but to stop, and when I did stop, it still was with a lot of hesitation.
I really really wanted this all to feel right, but that feeling was eroded day by day until only dread remained in it's place

>I hope this helps!
It does, and thanks a lot for taking your time to reply. I appreciate any help I can get

>I wish I had dysphoria

Honey, you got a big storm comin

>>40480070
>when i see other trannies talk like i do, i just think they have very intense imposter syndrome
>but when i do, i just think i’m actually an imposter who’s making everything up. it doesn’t feel like have imposter syndrome
okay
>i can’t unmake the problem i imposed on myself
just decide and stick to it
you can never really “know” anything about yourself. you can only decide things about yourself
if you are feeling a certain way, and you want it to change, consider what you are currently doing and what you could change. and then do those things
>want to be a woman
okay
get on hrt then
>feel repulsed but then it goes away
is that repulsion stronger than the pain of inaction? would you rather feel that way sometimes or feel this way you do now for the rest of your life? decide and act accordingly
>scared i am cis
why does it matter if you’re cis or trans? just act in the way you decide you think will help you. the properties of your “self” don’t matter. it’s not as if your identity can’t be changed

>>40480261
>but with each passing day, the doubts only got louder.

Doubts in regards to being trans or not? What specific thoughts fueled those doubts when you were on hrt if you don’t mind me asking? I saw you mentioned with breasts the fear having to put in more effort to detransition if you are wrong.

>>40480304
Never explicitly said I wish I had dysphoria, but everything I typed in this thread kind of implies it

>>40480354
>you can never really “know” anything about yourself. you can only decide things about yourself
deciding something that will impact every little facet of one's life kind of sucks. No matter what I'll choose, there will always be a "what if"

>is that repulsion stronger than the pain of inaction? would you rather feel that way sometimes or feel this way you do now for the rest of your life?
That repulsion is still purely conceptual. I don't really have any proof I will be as repulsed as I think I will, besides thinking I will.
Is there any proof I will actually feel like this for the rest of my life though. This all started when I was already in my 20s, so why couldn't it just disappear just as suddenly as it appeared?

>why does it matter if you’re cis or trans?
It doesn't. It's just the most succinct way to communicate "transition is a bad decision because I like my birth sex" and "transition is a good idea because I hate my birth sex".
I am not actually spending any time worrying about whether I fit the label of trans or cis. That alone is meaningless. All I worry about is whether I do actually hate or like my birth sex, and I don't trust any of my judgements on it.

>get on hrt then
While writing this reply, my mind flipped from thinking wanting to, to hating the idea about a dozen times. This must be some sort of retardation. I need to check the battery in my carbon monoxide detectors, or whether there's too much lead in my tap water

>>40480489
>Doubts in regards to being trans or not?
Definitely in regards to me being trans. When I first thought I might be trans, it was all based on a flimsy feeling, but otherwise I had, and still don't have any meaningful evidence for it (besides making these types of threads ig)

>What specific thoughts fueled those doubts when you were on hrt if you don’t mind me asking?
The most lucid thoughts I can still remember were all related to how I am actively ruining my life by being on hrt, and how I'll make myself become someone I am not nor want to be.
It both revolved around how I'll be perceived and expected to behave in case I would end up passing, and also how I will feel about my body, especially imagining breasts on my masculine torso.

>I saw you mentioned with breasts the fear having to put in more effort to detransition if you are wrong.
Pretty sure this is a very reasonable fear to have, especially if reverse dysphoria is also a possibility. The worst part is that it's completely preventable by simply doing nothing