Goddess of Change Edition II
previous: >>40383575 >>40521966

Goal of the thread: At the end of the day, try to write a journal entry listing positive experiences you had throughout the day, cute things you've seen, things that were nice, you get the idea.
Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://rentry.co/sig-resources-2025-07
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

---
I know the last thread died after 3ish posts but don't feel bad.

>>40522937
I think for me it's all about managing expectations. But there was a seated area and not everyone was dancing, too. My goal was just to go & not make it into a negative experience & I was scared just to approach the building lol. Once I was in I didn't know wtf to do but I was just like, I'm just going to sit down and try to vibe and take in the environment without getting overstimulated and spiralling. I tend to think ppl are going to attack me if I look out of place but the honest truth is I was way happier just sitting and watching. Which yeah maybe it's a bit pathetic that I'm like that, but it's supposed to be a fun event so I don't see why anyone should police what's more fun for me. I'm hoping to get up and dance sometime soon but it's a big fear for me and I'm just not comfortable in my body at all

>>40527240
In other news I felt rly good for like a day and now i feel retarderd again
I was rly excited about making changes... I have a bunch of health & beauty goals I actually feel like I can stick to, plus some big scary things. but 1 day back home and I just feel so drained and like I can't think straight or keep track of my goals. even though i was so anxious going to that event, I think I felt worse today just being in my living room. Food for thought for me I guess. I WILL jeep trying, today is just not a good day. I'm not sure what else I could have done, but I have to interrupt the cycle more

I'm rly in a bad relationship with my inner monologue/dialogue right now bc i keep obsessing & stressing myself out whenever I'm not stressed about something external or don't know what to do with myself, just to occupy myself... but I also need a stronger ability to think stuff through, notice my feelings and not just be mindless. I feel really uncreative... just trying to tone down the hating myself for being weak and stupid. I always feel like I'm 'not really trying' but idk maybe I *am* trying hard : / god or whatever will judge me I guess

>>40526903 (OP)
Bump, dearly departed last thread died in my sleep.

>>40528027
The thread wants to diee
Random sort of win anyway in that I woke up today and was like "huh i look butch as shit in my work clothes" rather than getting dysphoric over it.
Like that's a not my gender goal really but it's kinda cool that my brain isn't thinking of my body as quite so masculine.
Made lemon water (badly, so so many mistakes were made) because i feel quite bloated atm and I'll be getting back into the gym now it's open again once I'm off shift.
Still stressed about other stuff that I can't talk about (like not mentally, just I'm forbidden from it). Planning on outing myself fairly soon because of it but eugh don't want transition getting in the way of my career.
People also talk about E changing your sexuality and whenever people talk abt it they seem to talk about leaning more sub/bottom but like E made me less attracted to men and lean more into being a switch/dom so idk wtf is going on there.

Other random life blogging shit. Read all of Green Yuri on shift the other day, it was good.

Helping to save thread
I feel like my mind is crumbling a bit at the moment but I still went to bed at an ok time and really tried to just sleep and not think much in bed
Sleep hygiene is important for everything

>>40498783
>>40498823
>>40498853
>>40498901
>this is going to be a bunch of long posts
This is what this general is more than suited for. There is no need to apologize. If everyone could condense all their circumstances into 2k characters and would only need a 2kchar answer there would be no discussion after all. Life is more complicated than that, for better *and* worse. I'll respond to you piecemeal and not quite in the order you wrote things.
>Not sure how much of this could be a "me-issue".
I think you already analyzed that part perfectly and the only conclusion is that it is just a matter of incompatibility. Things slipping through the cracks is normal with ADHD, and medication and all sorts of tips and tricks help mitigate it, but some accommodation still goes a long way, and if it is not in their repertoire to give it that is not something that's a matter of fault or something that can really be fixed realistically given what you told me.
To preempt something I feel needs saying.. You will eventually move out given the current trajectory and I believe that will be for the best. It is very kind of you to mediate for them, and you are dealing maturely and sensibly with the hand you are dealt. But as you are in a transitional period of your life so I think in everything we discuss about how to deal with your current situation it is important to account for you essentially having to move sooner rather than later once you are a little more settled income wise, IF it is at all an option. So I won't address things like your parents accidentally sabotaging you too much because for now I will assume the time is better spent trying to change your whereabouts than them. It is clear you are already working on that too, given ..
(1/3)

>>40498783
>>40498823
>>40498853
>>40498901
>I look to other cities which are kind of nearby for connections.
Yes, this is excellent! Perfect, even, given your home town is not the easiest place to meet more people your age, let alone with your interests, or even people you would be comfy being out to.
>The people I know in person are usually an hour or two drive away, so visiting them is not always the best solution;
Do you also have an online contact to them?
>I also have issues gauging when to ask people to do things and when to let them ask me.
Can you give an example? Cause usually, I would recommend not spending much time worrying about when to let people ask you things. Some people just don't have the mental energy to schedule stuff they wanna do, others are so proactive you don't need to do anything at all. The best thing you can do is ask for feedback. But err on the side of "asking for 'forgiveness' rather than permission" on these matters.
>This is my fault.
It isn't, and if need be I will elaborate. Okay so you need a default groceries list you can rattle off without thinking and meals that are realistic for you to make given the circumstances. The difficult part will be accounting for their pickiness, but I am tempted to go in a different direction and say "fuck that, let's add meals exclusively for you you can prep". Is that a sane approach? Fridge space would help.
>my partner.
Let's start simple. You are not a coward, you are and were overwhelmed. This is not something that is difficult to navigate because of your ADHD, your depression, or your boundaries. It is what happens when people have very few life lines to cling to. The best thing you can do is to pull him into a support network that would survive a breakup, which CAN still include you. You being his life line suggests that the core issue is his lack of other contacts. Something you too are struggling to manage. How far away does he live?
(2/3)

>>40498783
>>40498823
>>40498853
>>40498901
(3/3)
>Really not doing well. I can't bring myself to do the things I need do to function.
>This is a recurring cycle, I'll have a couple of days of progress or weeks of progress, and then setbacks that last a week or a couple of days.
>I sleep like shit, my schedule is crazy, so some days I have little sleep and just don't want to do anything. I really just have zero motivation for exercise anymore, despite the fact that I was somewhat successful at keeping a good schedule for myself, i'm finding it hard to motivate myself to just do it.
Vicious cycles of you not getting enough sleep draining you of the ability to do things to build a schedule around, and efforts that come crashing down as your batteries get drained. We do have resources specific to people suffering from ADHD as planning and scheduling is difficult and different with it. Have you checked our resources on that front? I can also provide some generic advice which I could taylor more to you if you give me particular things to focus on, for example, keeping up exercise when you fall off a mood cliff.
>>40516541
>jeez, I really need to get my sleep schedule right, so I can post that update instead of napping throughout the whole day
Ah, another Anon suffering from sleep related issues. Do you know what makes you stay up?

summertime
summertime sadness

I wish they didn't keep deleting the /fit/ equivalent of this thread
I almost want to post in here instead of /fit/ as a cis man because the environment over there is so fucking depressing

>>40526903 (OP)
Im staying at my parents for the week and while on a walk one of the neighbors, this middle aged irish lady, stopped me from her car. I havent come out to her personally but she said that I look like Im doing well and that she supports me. I asked my parents about it and my mother said she told them. Not sure how I feel about them telling others but its nice to know that there are good people out there

I feel like this is a cringe thing to say but the fact that machines can now do the things that I want to do is very demoralizing.

I'm thinking about going off of HRT and going back into the closet. I can't build what I want to build and what I can build is worthless to me.

Won't catch up today obviously but two or three more posts from last thread with a few from this sprinkled in.
>>40517387
>Late reply but here it goes
No worries, I encourage everyone to take the time they need.
>Most relationships end up being uninteresting from both sides. Me just wanting someone close while they just barely talk. Sometimes we will end talking about stuff for longer but it is never quite enough?
In that case, let's take a step back. What are things you commonly bond with people over? How do you engage with them?
>>40522641
>I got brave enough to go to a local queer disco, still too awkward to dance but i was glad i made myself go & still managed to have a decent time
You did great! I can tell you are trying your best, and it's clearly bearing fruit already, we're going to be here to cheer you on throughout the journey.
>>40519257
>But then I start to hate myself for thinking about myself so much,
>like this isn't real introspection it's just narcissism, and idk how to get over that.
It's neither, it is rumination. That is the keyword you would wanna google to find people's approaches. It is overthinking the negative to the point of spiraling. You basically habituated ways of thinking that are harmful to you, and the way out usually requires mental exercises. This is what stuff like cbt and journaling is for.
>>40531337
Bad idea, generally. From every last account I had it does not fix the issues or is in any way better. Tell me what it is you wanna build though.
>>40518530
>Life can't be as difficult as all the "experts" say it is
Oh, don't take the words in the OP as an invitation to be pessimistic! It is phrased that way because a lot of people are struggling and I wish to acknowledge that this is normal.

>>40518302
>I understand, but how do you even make a connection here? Like, what are the specifics? Did you ask anons you talk to for a Discord tag or smth?
I often went to generals of my current interest, for example on /co/, or here on /lgbt/ I connected with someone who made the occasional vent thread. We talked some more, I started recognizing them among anons, and eventually I asked for a contact. And then, over the years of getting to know them, we grew close. My oldest such friendship was from a reoccurring thread on /b/ when I was 17 or 18 I believe. I visited him with my mom in my early 20s, turned out he lived in the Caribbean. One hell of a vacation. We're still in contact.
>Yeah, almost immediately after quitting.
Ah shit, that's a shame. No mail, phone number.. guess we have to make do without.
>There's more, these things just never come up when you're trying to list them.
A wonderful start, Tim! Yes, it is borderline impossible to remember in the moment. As silly as it feels, try gratitude journaling. These things are borderline impossible to recall. Try salvaging them, big and small, writing them down. For example, today I found a bottle of habanero Tabasco in the supermarket which was borderline impossible to find in the city I work in (am visiting people while on vacation). It's.. a small thing, obviously. But frankly, many small things do something to the human mind if seen as part of a bigger picture, which we can't if we don't collect them. You know, like a mosaic isn't just shards.
>and we were always pulling these super long shifts and a guy gets hungry...
ohh, desperate times, desperate measures so to say, kek
>I am different IRL. It's hard to explain.
Do you feel more aloof? More.. afraid? Maybe more alien?
>It's nice. I enjoy the relaxed pace...
I'm happy to hear! I enjoy the conversation too. This is how interactions should be. We engage with one another within the realms of our comfort, taking interest in what the other has to say.

Fuck I am thirsty.. I gotta get up and drink. I caught up with the archived threads now I believe so that's it for tonight.
>>40519390
>Read 130-something chapters of green yuri last shift.
What's it about?
>Had a disassociative episode or something (only for like an hour) about a week ago on shift as well.
... yes. That makes telling them a top priority, Christ.
>If I actually do it I'll let you know.
Okay, please do!
>Forgot to put my trip on.
Ahh..
>And ofc the mental tic I have about the military is what caused me to rep originally, i say mental tics, they're both things I desire but have no control over
I still struggle a bit to understand what it is exactly you mean here, but I am not sure whether I should instead focus on the self worth aspect. Because the anxiety would not flare if you felt like even if this job fell through you would be A-OK.
>>40522906
>started using nextdns to block distracting websites.
>things are going well. Doing lots of progress with my therapist.
Awesome, Santino! Wonderful news all around it seems. I am doing well, currently on vacation.. much needed, too.

>>40531624
>>40531337

Beautiful body. No job. Get to relax and actually enjoy life.

>>40531337
Yeah no I did half of this. Even if you go into the closet i would not stop HRT.
>>40531741
>What's it about?
Idk how to explain it desu, standard yuri stuff but the characters arent stereotypical anime blobs. Also just one of the MCs would be a gender goal for me if I was built like that.
>I still struggle a bit to understand what it is exactly you mean here
When I say mental tics it's like I can't justify it, I can't justify why I want to transition when it objectively makes my life harder, I can't justify why I'm so invested in wanting a military career especially with my vast number of issues with British society.
The anxiety also just flares from possibly losing my sense of direction and the entire purpose for why I put so much effort into getting in shape etc to something I have zero control over. I used to be better at the whole stoicism thing with this kinda stuff but not on E.
I've spoken a bit more about it on discord but it's just really stuff I can't get that into (sucks because I had a pretty cool win recently and I literally cannot talk about it) and can't meaningfully effect.

I need to find a distraction from it all really, thinking I'll go back to cycling 20 milers because honestly I still wanna drop weight and my diet is all over the place. Especially since I'm probably building things up in my head as insurmountable blockades when they aren't.

Hi /sig/, Panty here. I’ve been busy.

My dad wanted his comforter/duvet washed last week, so I took his and mine to the laundromat.

I sorted through my dad’s CD collection, and got his permission to get rid of the duplicates I found.

I cooked the chicken alfredo recipe my mom asked me to make for her. She likes it and has eaten most of it, so hopefully I can continue cooking meal preps for her in the future.

The corn flake brittle turned out delicious, although I’m not done fine-tuning it. It’s a really simple recipe — just corn flakes, salted butter and brown sugar. But I’m still figuring out if I can keep it solid without darkening the edges.

I cooked another batch of breakfast burritos over the weekend, and today I made more pineapple curry.

I stopped drinking soda a couple of weeks ago. I went a few years in my 20s without drinking soda. For me, it’s easier to stop completely than make sure “every now and then” doesn’t become too often. Also, soda becomes disgusting to me if I go long enough without drinking it, like I lose my tolerance.

I’m inching towards switching from drawing on a tablet to drawing on my PC. I bought a second PC monitor at a yard sale last month. I heard a second monitor is a good way of keeping art reference handy without crowding the canvas on the other monitor. I need a wider desk to fit both monitors and a drawing tablet, but progress is happening.

And New PSG and the new fan art and cosplay has been a morale booster.

Bumpp

Bump

"I'm a monster."
>you always make me feel like a monster, but I'm not
"It hurt when you lied to me for no reason about something I could easily check."
>you lied about [random thing] to make me look bad and you gaslight me all the time
"I don't know why you hate me but it would be nice if we could get along."
>it would be nice if you weren't evil
"I feel alone."
>I have tons of friends and a girlfriend but I'm going to kill myself, unless I don't, but you should feel bad about it anyway
The bad guys always win. Every single time.

Bump before i go sleep

how do I find other trans people to talk to and be friends with? I already struggle badly with meeting new people and being a man/boymoder or whatever and not having others to rely on is the most alienating experience known to humankind
I'm so scared to approach people or put myself out there because I always feel like a creep

>>40537949
LGBT nights / days / events for things like boardgames, climbing gyms etc.
Basically you have to have hobbies then see if there's a queer group for them.
Weirdly most other trans people I've known I've known through climbing (well bouldering) even pre transition.
Ofc this can be a bit region locked, it's a lot harder now I'm not in a city and it means having interests to partake in (which like, you can just do stuff lol)

>>40537949
Forgot.
For actually approaching people
1) have confidence in your appearance, which can mean putting effort in above the normal.
2) As much as I struggle with this, not everyone is a dick, there are people who will want you (even as a stranger) to feel included at aforementioned events so fear to approach isn't always a barrier and low energy/silent participation is still something to build on over time.
3) You don't have to go to these events as openly trans, if that's a hangup for you (it is for me because bleugh i have very little confidence girlmoding), bisexuality is an easy shield for these situations (even if you're not bi, i am, it's okay, you can make a small lie about it).

N.B these are all things I say having been a pretty confident cisdude prior to transition (i mean, I'm still confident presenting cis but : P not exactly the goal)

>>40526903 (OP)
>Drifting in an out of sleep
>Job interview at 11am
>Forklift license at 1pm
>Got a weekend full of job searching and getting a new Visa application ready
>Family life is still complicated and messy, blah blah blah

Lots to do this week, tomorrow especially.

Wish me luck, I still gotta follow up on replies from last thread as well but we'll see how this week goes.

Big thank you to Siganon and the rest of you, for keep these threads going

>}:×

pg8

>>40531624
>What are things you commonly bond with people over? How do you engage with them?
common interests, like gaming ig...im really empty as aperson as I realize I can ttype more things lets see
food
drinks
the struggleTM
i wanted to get into many hobbies but I sorta...fizzled out
jewelery and cooking and healthcare
oh well.

Really wishing I felt ok with myself and was strong enough
At least I cried today a little when eve that has become unfamiliar

ive spent a good bit of time improving myself. diet, exercise, sleep, skincare, etc. the time has come for me to find a femboy / transgirl who i like and that has potential. My goal is to help mold THEM into the ideal version of themselves.
the problem is that a lot of the people i meet claim that FFS will 'save' them, or that E will save them, or that MORE E will save them. But their body is not effeminate, their hands are not girly, their genetics simply do not point to them becoming an ideal femboy.

so i just keep searching for that one that I can find who's goals align with mine so that I have a good looking partner. its a shame how rare that is.

Nanon here after some long time, I hope all are doing well and making those tiny steps of progress towards happier days.
Just writing partially to get myself out of a funk of sorts, maybe advice will help too.

Tiredly chasing highs of being needed by someone in ways that are probably the furthest from it lol, fake sexual stuff that can trick myself into feeling less lonely even when I have great close friends.
I know exactly what to do and how to do things in order to be happier but I end up thinking whats the point if I feel like Ill just be alone at the end of it anyways? Or feel alone at least even when sorrounded by caring people.
If I had money who cares, most rich people are miserable anyways, same as everyone else. If I had wild success who cares, theres no one to share it with who understands me.

I dunno it feels difficult to want to climb the mountain when the people are the only thing that makes it all worth it at the end of the day.

That said I wish the best to everyone here and hope you treasure those close, or if dont have any yet can believe in the advice I struggle to accept that they will come if you push along your path

>>40544294
>I know exactly what to do and how to do things in order to be happier
do you really, though?

If that train of thought is what youre following, then keep going down it: whats the point of doing anything at all? why work, why not just go and lay down in a forest and let some coyotes come and chomp ya up.

but u do put forth a good point. irrespective of money or status, a deep connection is needed. the only way ive found that was two ways: either showing up at the same place at the same time several times a week to find likeminded people, or just putting myself out there. online or in person. it can get tiring being positive and outgoing, but ultimatley its the price i gotta pay if i dont want to die alone. there's tradeoffs to those things.

Why do u think u dont have anyone to push u along ur path tho?

bwomp

>>40544621
>do you really, though
Realistically probably not, mental thoughts =/= reality, but I have a pretty good understanding through trial and error of what works for me to be productive and what Im passionate about

>keep going down it
It makes me sadd that sometimes I wonder if I really should go lay down like that, but I want to be better than that impulse. I talk like a doomer but I really want a fun and exciting life with people I also push forward by my example, Im just tired of feeling like its impossible to find them

>somewhere consistently
I should really work on this admittedly. Just doing a one and done doesnt get me very far....maybe I should use vrchat more since I play a lot of sports but the people there just never really have similar interests, and never followup even on trying to practice together more to get better(Im not a hard ass about it or anything, people just dont wanna take it serious)

>why no one?
Reasonably since I havent pushed through that hump you reach in any passion where shit gets hard. Plus, not ever really going anywhere consistently aligned with my passions
I guess i feel like people just wont be on the wavelength and after trying so much its getting disheartening the many times friendships simply disappeared or didnt bloom

hi i don't post on this often but here goes.

im mtf 22, in usa, 11 months hormones. still head strong on hormones against my dads support. ive been really depressed for the past few years. i write in a journal and recently i wrote about plans to commit suicide when i left my parent's for school. my mom went through my room and saw my plans. she had me take a break from college this semester and consider online only classes while im not alone in a dorm for the next semester. im still incredibly depressed and i dont know what to do with myself. my dad hates me and my mom pities me.

now im just stuck. ive managed to make more and more friends (most being some variety of trans or queer b/c those are the only people i relate to and feel comfortable with to not be called slurs. southern state), and some of them i trust deeply. one of my friends called herself a freak for simply being trans and i cried.

i dont know what to do with myself these days. ive been in a process of redoing my room bit bye bit for a while. just.. tired of life.

>>40542869
I'm going to scream. Thank whatever divine entity is out there that I don't require perfection to like someone.
>>40547394
The best I've got is try and figure out a root cause for depression. I was in a similar situation at uni and the only thing that really helped was addressing that cause.
But then for me the root cause was easy to address (social isolation due to COVID if anyone's curious), alas I get flareups every now and then but that's it.

so fking tired of life right now. idek what's 'wrong' maybe my brain just doesn't want me to function.
why's it so fking hard to love yourself. why do I CONSTANTLY feel like I'm doing something wrong

Should I go for professional engineer certs, I hate studying and it is multiple tests and a lot of stuff I hardly remember that I would need to study for.
>>40531624
Haku is pretty.

>>40538853
Mini update:
>Finished job interview, it went well
>Finished forklift training, went well
>Grandparent is in the hospital due to a healthy scare.
>Dad is engaged to his girlfriend (I thought they were only dating for like 4 month or some shit wtf)
>Family is in constant financial and emotional turmoil, in addition to everything else

I mean what the fuck, man, what do I even do here?
My life is a stupid joke, I don't even wanna get sad anymore.
I'm just confused and annoyed.

I always feel so gloomy... It's a subtle melancholy, a mixture of sadness and exhaustion and yearning. A far-away stare and a weird aimless pensiveness. It feels like looking out the window and seeing people pass by, but none of it concerns or impacts me.

Idk

Maybe that's enough creative writing for today.

>>40544294
>feel alone at least even when sorrounded by caring people
mood

>>40548096
I dont think it's social isolation. There's definitely some kind of relation to transitioning and being forced to boymode, but that's not completely it. A few therapists and psychiatrists I've talked to have told me, "It could just be chemical, and you could just be dealing with it for the rest of your life," which is horrifying for me and just makes trying anything to stop it pointless.

Cycled 32km/20miles, only recorded part of it (picrel), I'm shamelessly spamming the thread.
Had to make myself throw up at one point because a bug flew in my mouth and now my throat hurts which aint fun
>>40549161
Yea soz was yapping about my own stuff.
Didnt mean to suggest you were isolated lol. My first thought was it's transition related but I don't want to try and tell you how your life works :P.
That said, I know how boy(in my case man)moding can get to a person.
It could be chemical depending on what your hormone levels look like, I had low E and T earlier this month from fucking up a loading dose of EUn and I felt like shit because of it. So maybe check levels if you don't regularly as is (but im assuming you do).
>>40548127
Are you already qualified as an engineer?.
Because honestly I would as a backup skillset, my degree makes it fairly easy to find work even though it's not my chosen career path and that's a fairly reassuring thing to have in your pocket.

pg8

>>40549206
yeah I think its boymoding for me but still I am a boy. I look just kinda androgynous and have plump fat.
> So maybe check levels
I have. I went to the doctor two weeks ago and have regular levels. I get it checked every three months

>>40547137
>but I really want a fun and exciting life with people I also push forward by my example, Im just tired of feeling like its impossible to find them

is it that you want a fun life or that you want to be with people you find fun? Because it seems like you want the latter. I can live a fun life without people, I can also live a life with fun people. and both are also possible. but you should know that there is a difference, and that difference is key in understanding your own needs.

>Just doing a one and done doesnt get me very far...
Mant people cite their high school and middle school years as their best years for forming friendships. why? well, when you show up to the same place with the same people for days upon days for hours on end, ur bound to form a connection with at least some of them. genuine connection takes time anon. its tiring if you force it. just show up every day and you'll eventually run into the same people again. and then you'll form the connections you long for

>I havent pushed through that hump you reach in any passion where shit gets hard.
You get out what you put in. If you stay at the surface level, youll only experience surface level happiness. Why do people play hard games like dark souls and then jump for cheers when they beat a hard boss? why dont they act the same way when they kill some minor enemy? Overcoming something difficult is stimulating for humans. the harder the challegne, the greater the joy. ofcourse, not everyone likes that mindset. not everyone wants to push themselves over and over and over again. i dont blame you. but ultimately if you want something out of life you have to play the game.

>>40548096
You misunderstand me. I didnt say perfection, i even said i want to help my partner improve. thats the opposite of perfection isnt it? admittedly i should've been more clear; i want someone who's like me. someone who has goals, someone who has desires and is willing to chase those desires.

>>40551640
You're talking about requiring a near genetically perfect starting point was my point and requiring someone to eventually become a near unobtainable ideal and it's a bit like "well what if they fail". Like that fear of abandonment would, I think, wreck most people; maybe I'm projecting tho.
But it's whatevs, i suspect we're just very different in mindset. I don't really go actively seeking a certain type either way and ig my standards are quite low lol. Your clarification makes more sense but I think that's something most people want out of a partner(?)

guys something happened to my gourd. I might be out of my gourd. I had some exercise goals to post but now I don't want to do anything and nothing matters because I'm out of my gourd, has anyone seen it?

My life is empty and pointless
I’m sorry
There is no hope it seems
Just yearning for a life that isn’t mine
I think that’s the reason I transitioned in the first place. A need to leave the old life. But it’s not that easy
I’m still me.

>>40526903 (OP)
I spent my whole day lying on my bed. Same the whole week. And month so far too.

It's like this?

>>40552581
>You're talking about requiring a near genetically perfect starting point
What I want is definitely rare; being effeminate is genetically rarer for guys just by way of millions of years of evolution. So I do agree on that point. But near perfect genetically? far from it. A big ass can be made in the gym. A smooth tummy can be made in the kitchen. Good skin, nice lips, all of those things can be done with just a bit of time and effort. of course there are certain things that are near unchangeable like waist-to-hip ratio. But that's one out of many things that can be changed.

>"well what if they fail".
I don't expect my partner to stay pretty and youthful forever, that's just a stupid mindset to have. of course i'll age. of course they will age. Beauty fades over time but personality stays. I value a good personality, but i also am a young, fit attractive guy. I want to enjoy my youth with someone I like. Whether that person is white, black, asian, etc. I don't care for that stuff. any race can look pretty.

Only two or three small updates tonight since I had a busy day
>>40527395
Some days things come crashing down, esp after an exciting event. It sounds like you needed time to sort your thoughts first and foremost. If you wish I can try make sense of things with you.
>>40528596
>>The thread wants to diee
Slow gen is slow right? I wonder if I should make the newcomer pasta (>>40383789) a permanent thing, but I a, not sure about it.
>"huh i look butch as shit in my work clothes" rather than getting dysphoric over it.
Happy to hear, Navy!
>Still stressed about other stuff that I can't talk about
Oh, nondisclosure shit? Confidential? Goodness.. when will it be over at least?
>Planning on outing myself fairly soon because of
>don't want transition getting in the way of my career.
I am tempted to say ripping off the band-aid early will be something you would only regret in the short term, if ever.
>>40529284
Your bump is most appreciated, and I am glad you are persevering in the face of mind fuckery. It's not easy, and you are right, sleep hygiene is such an insidious thing to mess with you.
>>40529939
Pardon the late reply!
They often move it to /adv/ where (to my knowledge) it immediately dies. Yeah..
>as a cis man
As the OP (who has been the same for over 3 years now), I personally and EXPLICITLY welcome you to. You see, a lot of people, especially questioning peeps who aren't sure if they are trans or gay or whatever will think they aren't lgbt enough to be welcome. Only by categorically saying "yeah even cishets are allowed" can I drag these people back in. I am radically welcoming out of necessity. While this general is too small and slow to accommodate all of /fit/sig, there is a genuine mutual benefit of having some of you here.

>>40529920
Wanna talk about it?
>>40530304
>that machines can now do the things that I want to do is very demoralizing.
AI stuff, I believe? One thing that is very important (from the pov of someone who has worked with AI from the development side) is that it is fundamentally un-debuggable. While a lot of companies may be willing to afford a significant failure rate or poisoned data sets compromising their tool chain, not all will. And I do not think the current trajectory is sustainable for medium sized businesses.
>>40530022
>Not sure how I feel about them telling others but its nice to know that there are good people out there
Difficult. On the one hand it means there is a strong sense of community. This comes at the cost of privacy. But it means people have your back. It is a typical tradeoff between urban and rural, and it is so rare for me to see a benign case like this.
>>40532140
>Beautiful body.
What stands in the way from your pov?
>No job. Get to relax and actually enjoy life.
As in you have to work and that is immensely draining?

Alright, more tomorrow.
>>40532875
>standard yuri stuff but the characters arent stereotypical anime blobs.
Oh I see, so just well rounded characters?
Also, now I get what you mean with tics. We aren't automata; sometimes I wonder if we would think more highly of our emotional needs if we thought them superrational (as in beyond-) rather than irrational (non-).
>I need to find a distraction from it all really, thinking I'll go back to cycling 20 milers because honestly I still wanna drop weight and my diet is all over the place.
Chances are it will do you well. Create a microcosm of things that are in your full control and play in it. It is soothing as hell.
>>40533281
Hey Panty!
>I sorted through my dad’s CD collection
Oh lovely, I honestly really wanna rip my mom's some day, disc rot is a bitch.
Do take a pic of the corn flake brittle sometime, I have a similar recipe I believe that includes sesame and sunflower seeds.
>I stopped drinking soda a couple of weeks ago.
One thing I really have come to appreciate is a sodastream at home. Tap water here is very high quality but I drink so much more water when it's carbonated.
>And New PSG and the new fan art and cosplay has been a morale booster.
It's so much fun to see Scanty and Kneesocks fight alongside the angels, isn't it?
>>40536271
>The bad guys always win. Every single time.
interpersonal drama?
>>40538853
>>40548902
big week ahead indeed it seems!
>Big thank you to Siganon and the rest of you, for keep these threads going
My pleasure, bunon. This is gonna be a slow week on my end since I am visiting loved ones.
I get that you are knee deep in drama you didn't ask for but it sounds like there's progress on the job front, at least?

I kinda relapsed to porn again, but I have been blocking people who I usually go to and been trying a habit tracker but it looks like it isn’t keeping track of progress so I will move to another one. I’m almost done with college just one more day and I’m done, but it’s sad I am kind of leaving with only the experiences and no one else it looks like I’ll be on my own for a while longer. It’s sad you know the reason why I went back is to learn more about art, get a boyfriend, get therapy, and meet new people. However, as I’ve discussed before my head was messesed up I was looking to get a husband so that men can’t stop looking at me and to have someone be there, but I was just mentally unstable then and now. I really hope I get that job and I am study since if I am to land it I know that if I keep at it then I can have a stable income and get therapy because at the point where I am at in life there is literally only so much I can do. I know that I have a porn addictiok because I have been watching porn again and even if i block accounts of men I usually unblock them to look at them. I need to find a good porn blocking app because I don’t think I can trust myself on stopping it because I need other outlets, but also when I watch porn the thoughts come back of I should pay for it, maybe I will save this for later, why don’t i check what’s new and that isn’t right my main goal is to stop watching porn altogether because after whats happened I don’t trust what I see and even back then I have been wanting to stop because I have been saying just one more time then I will stop and after all is done I just feel shame and angry at myself for not being able to stop. It’s been a year since my dog’s passing and time really went fast I still miss him.

>>40552922
>Oh, nondisclosure shit? Confidential?
So can't say exactly but I think a few anons may remember me talking about what I was planning on doing in the military but basically it's related to that. I'm not (it turns out, didnt know before when I have mentioned it) even supposed to discuss what I'm trying to do (hence my vagueness). It's all to do with potentially being outed to the military against my will.
Hence
>Planning on outing myself soon
The problem I have with ripping the bandaid off is it's a whole lot of uncertainty, if I knew (per medical requirements) that I'd just have to supply proof of 6 months of stable bloodwork/hrt dosing I'd be fine (it would mean waiting a few months but I could do it) but I genuinely dont think anyone has actually tried to do what I'm doing before and an unfriendly medical team could just deny me for any number of reasons. There's basically no anecdotes online and im scared of getting stuck in years of medical appeals and the chances of them allowing DIY is so absolutely at zero it's not even worth contemplating, especially with EUn like I use (just to get it off my chest, i literally use EUn because a long halflife makes it more conducive to military service - it makes me quite bitter that they want me for my physicality, intelligence etc but wouldn't trust me to manage my own hormones and to know myself).
The upside of outing myself to my parents is I can at least get their advice, which I think somewhat is just me craving someone to tell me what to do because I'm lost on it.
The main thing I'm terrified of is getting labelled permanently unfit, and I guess it's upsetting and causes me to question my transition because ofc if i was cis this wouldn't be an issue.
Sorry, rambled a lot there and a lot of it isn't productive writing, I fear my life going nowhere a lot and have this childhood thing of
>If I'm not achieving I dont have value
So this is all a bit much for me to be rational about
(Oh god character limit)

>>40553152

> I have a similar recipe I believe that includes sesame and sunflower seeds.
I could see those things going together. I’d love to see that recipe if you can find it.

>I really have come to appreciate a sodastream at home
>I drink so much more water when it's carbonated.
This is a fair counterpoint. I was buying plain seltzer and flavored syrups for a bit there. Figuring out what’s realistic and sustainable will be the trick. I realize willpower can only get you so far. That’s why I had to quit drinking soda again, after all.

>It's so much fun to see Scanty and Kneesocks fight alongside the angels, isn't it?
Absolutely. I liked the demon sisters’ role as relatively formidable villains in the back half of season one, but putting everyone on something more like the same side this time creates opportunities for character interactions that weren’t possible before.

And the episode that dropped today floored me. They’re outdoing themselves every week. Getting new episodes after 15 years in one miracle, and the show still having the sauce is another.

>>40554068
Holy shit i was really rambling I need to re-read shit more so I get to the fucking point.
The tl:dr is just (with regards to the military)
>I dont know what would happen if I out myself
>They will not like me doing diy so would need to go private
>Standard fears of transphobia, being discarded etc
>>40553152
>Create a microcosm of things that are in your full control and play in it.
So did my 20 miler today (as mentioned itt). Also working at redecorating my room for this purpose but yeah that's a whole process.
>>40552865
Ig if you'll permit the dumping, I desire mutual obsession over all else. For me personally I want to love someone as they are absolutely (and for that to be reciprocated) even if we are perpetually changing, I don't ever want to read any features (even ones they may hate) as negative.

I think a lot of my attraction, physically anyway, can hinge on single features and I adore contradictions (because these are things I also like in myself, I am the anon who tried to join the Royal Marines while fullwell knowing I'm trans and who likes looking like a hopeless nerd after all). So the hangups on less changeable features doesn't work in my brain.
I think we all want to enjoy our lives with someone we like anyway but yea.
>>40552764
Actually stressing me out because now I'm worried about you losing something of deep personal value but I also can't tell if you're doing a bit.

Gn bump, I saw my body in a mirror and hate it.

>>40529296
>>40529306
>>40529370
>Do you also have an online contact to them?
>Can you give an example?
Yeah. Kind of hard to know when they want to talk, not like we message regularly. Never really feels right to message anyone, some people just give short replies for whatever reason, but I try to every now and then to check in with some of them. Basically, I just come out when they invite me because I enjoy the company and apparently they enjoy mine enough to invite me every now and then. I should probably try harder to message people I haven't before.

>Is that a sane approach?
Honestly, yes. It feels like the only way I will want to make stuff is for myself... still that means a bit of planning has to be done. I'm thinking of starting once school is over and I hopefully have a bit more time to dedicate to it.

>The best thing you can do is to pull him into a support network that would survive a breakup
He's got some online friends, I'm not really sure how close he is with them. I see him talk to them very often, but I'm not sure they could support him during a breakup. He has family who seem supportive but not perfect, very much like my family. He doesn't really seem to crave relationships irl all that much, which confuses me. He's said to me he's okay with being a loner. In the past it almost felt like he was discouraging me from trying to make friendships as he can be a little cynical and has said that most other people are not worth interacting with. I personally don't understand the mindset, but try to respect it...

>keeping up exercise when you fall off a mood cliff.
it pretty much always feels like I'm off the mood cliff. I procrastinate, get things done really fast, then feel like I have to rest a month before I can continue to do anything. Even doing the bare minimum for other people or myself sometimes feels like a massive chore. I just want to shower and stay in bed all day.

>>40553142
>Wanna talk about it?
every summer for the past few years has been the same
>barely any vacation
>lonely
>i do stupid shit with my relationships
>something truly awful happens and I just mourn that
this time..distance between friends again
im alone again
at least I hope everyone who isnt near me is ok. Best i can wish for right? That even if they stopped talking to me and are disappeared they are ok

Getting way better at a number of goals I cared about.

-driving, including driving on narrow, hilly streets
-disaster planning, having go bags ready
-socializing with my neighbors, including ones from cultures I don't know that much about
-being less invested in the internet, not being super mean on the internet

and parent stuff too. posted in earlier threads pregnant, now have an 8 month old. She's very very happy.

I feel like I have dementia, falling for the same addictions after all these years an making no real progress or even attempts to do something useful
just rotting away and wondering why I'm like this

>>40555503
I feel the same way.

I hate the government

>>40558594
Same, why are they so mean?

>>40559610
Because they're a jobs service for wealthy sociopaths (well certainly in the UK).
Very few truly decent people in there and mostly people who want to play the game for the sake of playing (damn how it affects anyone else).
Those who can't play the game become sychophants for their chosen figure so they can feel like they're also in the game and the point becomes more about ""winning"" than actually making good policy.

Bump.

God, I have so much stuff to talk about but I'm so tired, jeez.

I'm probably gonna pass out before I type it all out, hopefully I can get some stuff written out in the morning at least.

Dear miss siganon,
I have two issues I want to complain about to you:
1.) I already said this in a previous post, but don't think I articulated myself well enough, and hence the advice I got wasn't too applicable. At least not to my understanding of it.
So the issue is that I keep taking breaks during work, and that really diminishes my productivity a lot. Or more importantly, I *feel* like my productivity gets compromised, and that doesn't sit right with me. And that's not me being too harsh on myself. I'm a very lazy person who allows himself lots of leisure, so if I judge a break to be too unproductive then you can bet it really is. So the issue lies with the objective consequence rather than the feels invoked by it. I just had to tell you about the feels as well, because they bother me more.
Anyway, to continue: I sit down and start scripting and then once I hit any kind of roadblock, no matter how small, I usually cave in and doomscroll a bit. Or worse yet, when I manage to make some progress, no matter how difficult it actually was to attain, I decide to "reward" myself and doomscroll again. I have a good amount of work to do, so those breaks aren't helping at all. Why can't I make myself do stuff until I finished like, say, half of the goals; and only then decide to indugle a little? Or make the breaks be time periods where I do nothing but reflect on what I did beforehand?

I know that I can be really productive, for I've seen it happen before. But those moments of "locking in" are rare and seemingly entirely up to chance, for I don't know how to artificially induce them. I should probably point out that I am mentally ill, and so might have comorbid ADHD going on. It doesn't help either that I never developed any sort of work ethic in my childhood, because I managed to do well for myself by just floating by.
One of the worst scenarios that knows to happen due to the issues above, is that I sometimes figure out something, procrastinate, and once I return to my work I forget the thing I figured out! Or I become skeptical about its quality and repeat the steps from before procrastinating.
The days keep passing by and I move at a snail's pace.
2.) I go to college to hopefully get a degree and find a job I actually like doing. But a good amount of stuff I learn in college is kind of distant from the things I want to pursue as a career or do as a hobby. So I feel apprehensive with putting in effort into those subjects because I think to myself that I'd be better of using that time learning stuff that is more likely to be used in my future. But I need to study all of the subjects equally if I want to graduate. Sometimes I even think to myself that it would be better to drop out and soley focus on my passions, but that's probably not viable financially.
So how can I motivate myself to deal with the parts of college that feel like a pure chore?

>>40541126
In that case you are doing perfectly on that front, really. What interests did the people you talk to have? Did they have any particular deeper interests or areas of expertise?
>>40542834
>Really wishing I felt ok with myself and was strong enough
Remember that no person is an island. If you feel you aren't strong enough on your own, I mean, you can always try to see if others have useful insights to offer.
>>40547394
So I assume your family is not very accepting of you and they.. go through the personal stuff of their 22 year old daughter.
Before anything else, I would like to know if you ever felt like you had any real agency over your life up to now. I mean you have people you are out to, but given you are forced to boymode is not helping. Do I understand the situation correctly that you still live with your parents and don't have much privacy? Is there any chance for you to share a flat with a few peers you trust in the near future, instead? Because
>i wrote about plans to commit suicide when i left my parent's for school
sounds like it would have been the first time you would have lived away from them. In which case there is a very real chance that getting the fuck out would have massively improved your depression, rendering your plan and the resulting fallout almost ironic. I worry that it is your family's asphyxiating presence that is the problem (but I might be biased given the vast majority of family experiences on /lgbt/ are.. less than stellar).
>>40548097
>why do I CONSTANTLY feel like I'm doing something wrong
Do you perhaps ruminate and obsess about things you have said to others a lot? When you look up the term post event rumination, does it describe you?
>>40548127
What is the alternative? As in, what would you do instead? And yes she is!

>>40548910
Definitely a good start! Do you feel like you lack fulfillment in your life?
>>40552764
What's up, Anon? How do you feel today?
>>40552796
Sounds like you're spiraling.. same anon as above?
>>40544294
Welcome back, Nanon.
So the core of it is that you feel alone even with loved ones around you, which in turn makes it feel pointless? It sounds like you are missing a particular kind of relationship or are not using the ones you got to the fullest, then. Let's dig in that direction. Do you have people you share passions with? People that encourage you, root for you?
>>40552852
That sounds like a clear cut case of depression. In your case, irrespective of what caused it, there are some initial steps you can do for the sake of bootstrapping. In fact, the small goals at the beginning of the thread are exactly for people in your situation. Also check the resources, for example the video on maximizing misery. For now, you managing to do a single thing each day is a win, be it doing a few dishes or cleaning a small bit of floor. We can also discuss what made you slip into this pit.

>>40560592
>In that case you are doing perfectly on that front, really
I guess then my mistake was that i didnt really communicate much on my end? Too surface level
Like yeah exchange a couple questions and stuff with nothign deeper cause I always felt burned out and thzt the other person just had no interest in me talking
I always was scared to ask others about things, felt like sucha bother...when they talk with each other about different things like
daily life...

>>40560592
> do you have any real agency
no not really.. ive kind of just been doing what my parents wanted me to do as a husk my entire life up until i got on hormones. did well in school participated in the sports my dad forced me into, went to a college that was cheap so i didnt feel bad about paying, started going for a degree where my dad does similar stuff (computer science). Now it's nearly the last year of college, I've gone away for three years already and came back each summer. I dont have much privacy here and being around my parents definitely is increases my depression, but its not like it's gone at the dorm. In fact, I attempted suicide a few times in the dorm by overdosing on antidepressants.

I know my parents make me feel far worse. My friend has told me that I have the worst parents she's seen. My ex boyfriend said he felt anxious with how quiet my house is and how everyone feels on edge a little.

I just dunno how to really feel better around them, because it feels like its down to my dad to just turn around his hatred of trans people, but that wont happen even after a year of him finding out. My mom won't stop trying to act loving then immediately rug pulling that love, insulting me when she thinks I do something remotely bad.

>>40553224
Sorry about your relapse, but as you said, you need other outlets too, generally speaking. If I remember correctly you also suffer OCD in general, right? I forgot if you were diagnosed per se but I recall you having become aware of tells, right?
>I’m almost done with college just one more day and I’m done, but it’s sad I am kind of leaving with only the experiences and no one else it looks like I’ll be on my own for a while longer.
Oh, as in you haven't made many connections in your time there?
>>40554068
>>40554463
>It's all to do with potentially being outed to the military against my will.
Ahh, gotcha. I get it, it is a difficult situation where they can easily fuck you over for self medicating, which you wouldn't have to do if hrt wasn't gatekept to hell. Which in turn would make it helpful to be out to your parents to have loved ones to lean on. But I mean, maybe I misunderstood but, if you have a 6 mo record of taking hrt then they can't really deny you if I understood correctly? I guess that I didn't quite get.
>Sorry, rambled a lot there and a lot of it isn't productive writing
Oh don't worry, it is not like this thread is a zero sum game. I am glad you got it all out at least.
>So did my 20 miler today (as mentioned itt).
I saw by the way, great job!
>>40555616
>Yeah. Kind of hard to know when they want to talk, not like we message regularly.
The answer to that is: always. Ping them whenever, if they don't want to talk it's their job to put their phones on mute. Chat programs are not phone calls. People can catch up whenever is convenient for them, so never concern yourself with when to send. This is the radical approach but the only one that works. I usually send messages when people are offline, many of my friends aren't even on the same hemisphere, so I speak from experience. Treat it like post cards with instantaneous delivery.
>I should probably try harder to message people I haven't before.
Yup!
(1/2)

Well shit, turns out most images I ever saved that have a pixiv source were actually downscaled to hell. And most that are are too big to post on 4chan in source quality.
>>40555616
(2/2)
>Honestly, yes.
I advise you to get some tupperware, if you need help with recipes, ask!
>I'm not really sure how close he is with them.
You are intimate enough to ask him about it. Encourage him to if you can,
>He's said to me he's okay with being a loner.
>most other people are not worth interacting with.
There is truth to it in the sense that most people won't vibe with most people in my experience, but his conclusion from it is of course borked. He is self sabotaging when you think about it, really. He needs to understand that nobody can be a person's *everything*. That's not a relationship that's a one way ticket into codependency and eventual mutual resentment. In terms of architecture: we all have our own little burdens that need carrying, and as such it takes a network of people to distribute the load. Triangles (shared contacts or mediators) increase the stability of a relationship network.
>I procrastinate, get things done really fast, then feel like I have to rest a month
This, from my limited research, seems to be a common thing experienced by people with ADHD. It's a tricky thing, I hope some of our resources will be useful to you since I have no firsthand exp.
>>40557473
>barely any vacation
Oh, how come?
>i do stupid shit with my relationships
Could you give me a concrete example?
>this time..distance between friends again
>im alone again
How come, are they unresponsive when you reach out or is there another reason for the growing distance? Are they busy perhaps?
>>40558007
When dealing with addictions of any kind one of the biggest issues is availability and your surroundings, as far as I know. What kind of addictions are we talking about, does your environment perhaps enable them?

I'm in dire need of a break for now, I will be back either tomorrow or later, depending on how much energy I got.
>>40554451
>I could see those things going together. I’d love to see that recipe if you can find it.
I looked it up, recipies vary but the one I know is a pack of caramel toffee (400-500g), 1 pack (300-400g) puffed corn cereal (such as honey pops), and something to the tune of 200g of sesame and sunflower seeds, toasted in a pan. You melt the butter, then melt the toffee in that, put the seeds in, the pops, and then spread the scaling hot mess over a flat surface lined with kitchen parchment. You let it cool and cut it into squares, done. The result is basically homemade cereal bars. Using toffee rather than making caramel makes it chewy rather than an actual brittle, but obv you could use caramel in the same manner and use flakes rather than puffs, or mix and match both ideas to get in-between consistencies.
>And the episode that dropped today floored me.
Oh damn, I'm looking forward to catching up with it now, will share my thoughts once I do!
>>40557489
Oh that's wonderful news, Anon! It's always so nice getting to hear about victories like this from time to time.
>socializing with my neighbors, including ones from cultures I don't know that much about
If there are any anecdotes you would like to share, feel free!
>and parent stuff too. posted in earlier threads pregnant, now have an 8 month old.
Oh I remember you! I'm so happy for you still, it was such a journey, and I am grateful you let us be a small part of it.
>>40559905
Take all the time you need, Anon! I won't suddenly vaporize any time soon.

>>40528596
> Still stressed about other stuff that I can't talk about (like not mentally, just I'm forbidden from it).
Breathe in for for counts, hold for two, out for six counts. While doing it, repeat the following (out loud if safe for opsec. Both your MOS' opsec and your own):
"I will pass [CLASSIFIED]".
"I will earn my chance to serve my country."
"I have planned and prepared myself adequately."
"As a great Soldier, I will always put my country and mission first."

> Planning on outing myself fairly soon because of it but eugh don't want transition getting in the way of my career.

That's great to hear!

Did a 20 miler again today. Carribbean woman thought I was a teenager lol (I'm 24, used to get told I looked 30 when i was obese + pre het) so I'm internally squealing a bit.
>>40561392
>if you have a 6 mo record of taking hrt then they can't really deny you if I understood correctly?
Yeah and if you've had all the surgeries you intend to get (which okay, you can just say you're not getting any, for me I dont want SRS and I'm waiting to see how HRT affects everything else so for now I'm not fussed). The problem is it has to be "legit" hrt (ie: via nhs/private) which I have no record of, all my shit is diy (even though i will be 6 months hrt by the time I'm supposed to enter training) also like doctors notes saying you're mentally sound etc.
Ironically I would be better off if I hadn't repped.
That said, if I have to wait 6 months on private and medical appeal I am okay with it it just might mean another year of sitting around not getting my career started which would suck massively, it's more actually not wanting to live with my parents for years and years (and needing to find another job to pass time while that cooks because my current one is not really a trans friendly environment).
>>40561607
Yeah I have to keep reminding myself that I've prepared for (thing that im stressed about) in everyway I can. I was stressed about other stuff related to this all previously and the turned out to be fairly easy after all. I mean christ I was stressed about passing the bleep test while knowing I'd never scored below the pass mark lmao (and my humble brag will forever be that I was the last person to drop off that test out of my group).
Actually I have a card as a physical reminder that I've got my slot earned, gonna go stick it on my bedside table as idk a grounding aid.
My mental state is a lot better having done my phys the last couple of days (waow regular exercise improves mh who woulda thought???).

>>40562147
Also i realize my recording isnt 20 miles, i stopped to get food so I missed about 5km from my house to the shops lol. I promise it is actually 20 miles I've done this exact route hundreds of times

In one hand, I'm finally there to move out on my own, and more-or-less keeping up with my exercise (3 sessions /wk >>> 0), and it's starting to show (3-4 kg down in 2 wks depending on the mood my scale has. 40 more to go.)

On the other:
The more I feel safe, the more I'm affected by flashbacks. And I don't want to be. I want to be over it. I want to be able to choose myself. To be able to listen to others. Truly. Even when it's hard. To not push everyone away preemptively - because I will get hurt or overwhelmed or both.To feel again. To act not out of constraints or puppeting myself, but because I want to do something, and I enjoy doing it.

>>40562178
It's okay, Navy, you don't need to compulsively prove everything. You're safe. You're seen.

>>40562147
> That said, if I have to wait 6 months on private and medical appeal I am okay with it it just might mean another year of sitting around not getting my career started which would suck massively,
So the worst that can happen to you is losing a year before you can report for training.

> it's more actually not wanting to live with my parents for years and years
Have you considered moving out? On your current salary.

> Actually I have a card as a physical reminder that I've got my slot earned, gonna go stick it on my bedside table as idk a grounding aid.
That's great. The next time you have an anxiety attack about [CLASSIFIED], look at that card. And breathe. You earned your slot.

>>40560907
You have 3/4 of a CS degree. How deeply do you despise CS? Can you imagine having a career there? As a beginning, I would unironically recommend Army 17C, or Air Force 1B4 to start your career, but the life is not for everyone. As a civilian alternative, I would recommend do hustling in job fairs. It's tough to be a junior nowadays (hence I wrote armed forces careers first), but with connections and skills in Python/R, K8s, some Cyber awareness and a frontend technology, you can try landing a job. That would make you financially independent, fund your transition, and your ability to bail from an oppressive environment. Because as far as I read, having financial independence and an own flat is currently your absolute #1 priority.

> I haven't felt better in he dorm
Sometimes, when people get out of unsafe environments, they feel worse when they were in there, because their nervous system starts processing being unsafe. Could it be that it could be resembling your situation?

>>40562590
>you don't need to compulsively prove everything
Thank you, mental tic still gets to me a lot, but I have gotten better with it.
>So the worst that can happen to you is losing a year before you can report for training.
It could be more than a year, it really depends on their medical appeals. 6 months is like a minimum requirement for HRT but they've got these annoying bits about treatment not precluding worldwide service (which like, wtf does that mean?, does having to carry a few needles and a vial with me count?, who knows) and the text explicitly says trans candidates are normally graded unfit. I am known to overthink but it just gets at me a bit as I dont know how many rounds of appeals I might have to do and those can take months on their own (I have spoken to people who've done medical appeals for other things since they're not uncommon, but I didn't get a timeline for them - probably something I should look up tbf).
Also holy shit i do not trust a doctor (even a private one) to actually listen to me when I talk about my care requirements, like I know what I need but doctors in the UK are notorious for doing dumb shit like 1mg oral with 50mg spiro, demanding social transition prior to HRT etc (although frankly, if they did that I would just keep doing my DIY - I really only need them so I have that official record of HRT use).

The best I can do currently is stick with the plan and hope for the best really.
>Have you considered moving out?
Yeah, got very close to doing it maybe 1-2 months back? but local to me rent (outside of houseshares) is not the most affordable thing, and the "if all goes well i'll be in training soon" makes me hold off from it.
I've tried to get my parents to let me pay rent multiple times, but they refuse. I just don't want to feel like a leech.

>>40561465
I think I can work with that description. Adding sesame and sunflower seeds does sound like a good idea.

I saw someone recommend fish oil supplements and I want to try starting those soon myself. I don’t eat much fish the health benefits of fish oil seem plausible enough.

And I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the new PSG episodes!

Something else I’ve been working on lately is digital clutter. Organizing my meme folder, visiting all of my bookmarks to see if any are dead, etc.

And I’m going to try eating out just once a week in August. That seems to be my biggest category of non-essential spending. My parents like to eat out a lot, and they usually ask if I want anything when they do. And because it’s usually not my idea, I don’t think about how often I’m eating out, so I end up doing it more than I should. Hopefully I can cut back, save some money and lose more weight faster.

>>40563812
Since AFAIK, you'll be something along the line of a 35F, but definitely a pog, they won't look as closely. If you were frontline, they would.
> Logistics wouldn't be able to source E injectables, because they aren't on the open market. And your script requires E pills.
> E is not on the list of essential medicines. Even in the third world (Balkans) it's hard to source, and in war torn countries, it's impossible.
> That vial of E would freeze in Siberia and boil in Iraq
> A local warlord or hostile border patrol agent in the far east would think it's drugs, especially after they look at the precision sharps (lds syringe), and would confiscate you, jail or execute you (covert or clandestine ops), or cause a diplomatic stint. Case in point: the basketball player in Russia caught with paraphernalia.
> On a civvie plane you can't bring sharps and vials with yourself (except if you have a prescription)
- In a warzone, topical disinfectants are impossible to source and are life saving to casualties.
- E is not a hard requirement for you to survive. But would cause dysphoria if you were off it for several months and masculinize. So that's a keystone morale item, and can be used as a leverage on you in SERE.
It's still far better than if you were diabetic (requires cold chain logistics and multiple daily injections. In most areas of the world, insulin is worth more than it's way in gold.

You probably overthink it. As a pog not likely to see frontline service, I'd doubt that you'd need many waivers there. If you're 35H, however, that would change as HUMINT collectors are clandestinely deployed (ie. can expect zero help from the home front, officially you're not there), so you could be left on the front for years with no access to E. Same as you were just any grunt (6-9 month tours with no E are survivable if you load up on EUn before drop.)

> Flat
If you're in a situation which is unsafe for you, move out. Unless you *do* know your exact date of needing to go in

>>40564400
Not 35H, not quite 35F (but close enough). We tend to say remf over pog (if I mix terms), but yes, very remfy (like could in theory never deploy outside of national borders levels of remf - that said, I would like to).
Hopefully, when I've been on E longer (and hopefully no longer produce testosterone - through chemical or physical intervention), I could manage better without E (although I know the risks of not having hormones in your system long term) because no/limited risk of further masculinisation.

Genuinely, I could fit a year's worth of HRT into a mess tin, certainly for any non-clandestine purposes I could manage. One of those things where I have frustrations about not just being left alone to get on with it, because Christ, my HRT kit is not massive, I can fit 6+ months just into an old glasses case and in theory on EUn I could dose as infrequently as 60 days and be mostly fine.
I mean, these are all arguments I'd make for a medical appeal anyway
I say it, I think fairly often, but I'd really just like for my being trans to be ignored completely. I don't want their help or assistance; I just want them to leave me alone to get on with it, and I'll worry about keeping myself up to standards, but of course, they're bound to their duty of care, so they get a bit too keen about it all.

Back again Sig

Things aren't going great and MAN does everything feel like it sucks.
Everything finally seemed like it was on the upswing, yesterday we had apartment inspections and it seemed like we did fairly well.
Today me and my husband got a letter from our rental office that we're being evicted. No reason was given, we were just told that we have until the end of the month to find a new place and leave. We wanted to move, but FUCK i hate it, I hate it so much, we paid rent late like only 2 times this year but the owner wants to hike up more prices and its easier to get new tenants than deal with us.
My mom lives in the unit next to us and is also getting evicted, and we're fairly certain so is the guy above us, so its definitely not just a me and my husband thing, but I hate it, I want one fucking month this year to not just take a giant fat shit on me or the ones I love.
The only reason I don't commit suicide is because I don't know what's on the other side, and that I have to outlive those that hate me, but moments like this its very tempting.

I'm trying to look on the bright side, that any apartment we find will be better than this shithole and we were thinking about moving anyway, but being told you have 31 whole days to find a new place is not great.

>>40567108
Stating the obvious, but fuck landlords.
There is a silver lining at least, but yeah, instability isn't great. As best as possible, I'd try and mentally frame it as an opportunity for something better and hopefully more stable long term.
Yeah idk I don't have great advice but while im floating about at 3am i'll say what I can : P

>>40567179
Oh yeah, that's the big thing with this, trying to frame it positively, but what makes it hurt is that with hindsight the inspector woman obviously knew we were gonna get kicked out.
My husband made the joke he always makes at the end of inspections and went "Haha, so we are we getting kicked out?" because like, obviously that's not the case most of the time, but this time she went on this whole thing on how its not up to her and we'll get a letter if that's the case, but we "should be fine".
My mom got her eviction notice last week, for reference, so if this is a plan to do a purge of a bunch of tenants then they knew but still made us do inspections anyway.

I'm glad this gen is here. I'm glad there are still enough people here who care for each other. I want to confess.

I used to help a lot of people here. I stopped to take care of myself, but there's something else. I never liked people. I never wanted anything to do with anyone. But I used rationality and concluded that I should help people. So I did what I could to help people, and then wanted nothing to do with them. I have often blown in on the wind, helped people, and left. But there were a few cases where people became dependent on me, and it was always annoying trying to get rid of them, trying not to hurt them, but ultimately hurting them. I tried to help them get on their feet so they could stand without me, but they became attached. I prevented suicides, but I wonder if I caused any. I helped a lot of people here, and people would ask for my Discord, but I never wanted to give it out. I didn't want friends or constant contact. I still sort of have the same problem in real life.

I'm glad you're all still helping each other. I'm glad that I'm not missed, not needed. I'm sorry.

>>40567670
cool pic

uhm

bump?

bump

>>40569374
yes, I concur

>>40570295
Glad we're on the same page. That page being page 6, to be precise.

Bump

I need to do shit with my transition and yet I’m doing NOTHING
I hate it
I hate myself for it
Internalized phobia not withstanding and fraud allegations aside
I NEED to get if my butt and go do stuff like hair laser, clothes, more vt
Such a piss
I’m just stuck
How do I unstuck myself? Like fr? People near me can’t always be there, I need to do this alone.
100000000% need to get uncomfortable but I’m just….repeating

>>40570930
You kinda just have to do stuff.
Laser is kinda easy if you can afford it because it's like once a month, and you don't have to do it all at once.
Which reminds me, I still need to mess about with my IPL : /

>>40561465
Goodnight, Siganon.
Take care, I love you.

pg8

Bump

>pros: alone
>cons: alone

>>40572023
thank you so much for your patience and kind words.. expect updates this sunday. Turns out I needed more rest than I thought

I need someone to hold my hand while I try to do stuff without getting distracted
I'm so lonely

Pg9

>>40577307
I'd like to lay my head on somebody's chest and drift off to sleep.
I'm a little lonely myself

>>40580484
I would let you if I could

>>40580500
Same.
What a pair we are, eh?

>>40580507
we can be pillow buddies if you want
hug a pillow to sleep and it will be like us hugging each other

>>40553152
>big week ahead indeed it seems!
At least it's slowing down now.
Can't say I feel that great about it but at least I've down most of what I set out to do.

>My pleasure, bunon. This is gonna be a slow week on my end since I am visiting loved ones
It's all good, the effort is always appreciated, I hope all is well with you.

>I get that you are knee deep in drama you didn't ask for but it sounds like there's progress on the job front, at least?
I think there's been progress, yes.
Family drama is endless and everpresent, one of many reasons why I'd like to make some serious cash, so I can get myself and my siblings away from that nonsense.
God, I want this to end, it's honestly just a sad at this point. What do I even do here?

I'm so tired of all of this mentally, I blackout mentally for most of the tome when I'm not looking for work.

>>40580545
Now there's a fun idea.
I'll do so then.

>>40531641
>I often went to generals of my current interest
Ah, that makes sense. I did that a little bit in another general here on /lgbt/ but that bridge is burned now... Don't really know where else to go right now. I feel like the rest of 4chan is too redpilled for me at this point. Haven't ventured out of /lgbt/ for years tbqh
>I visited him with my mom in my early 20s, turned out he lived in the Caribbean. One hell of a vacation.
Damn, that's wild. Sounds like a very cool experience.
>that's a shame. No mail, phone number..
I always delete phone numbers after a while... maybe that's a bad habit.
>try gratitude journaling
I already write a journal, and I try to note the things I'm grateful for. But honestly, journaling is more about forgetting things than remembering things for me, if that makes sense.
>many small things do something to the human mind if seen as part of a bigger picture, which we can't if we don't collect them
I am tired of living for the little things. I mean, I do it still... I love pens and paper, stationery in general for example. But somehow, living for Leuchtturm notebooks and novelty ink feels bleak. I wish there was a bigger task.
>Do you feel more aloof? More.. afraid? Maybe more alien?
Maybe more alien... I can't really explain it well. I guess I am quite afraid of being ridiculed IRL. I dunno
>This is how interactions should be. We engage with one another within the realms of our comfort, taking interest in what the other has to say.
That's just not what social interactions are like IRL. It always turns into some stupid game of dominance and submission. I am not even necessarily bad at that game, I just hate playing it.

Enjoy your vacation, anon. It sounds like you've earned it.

pg8

>>40581903
I'll drop a lengthy post later, after my thoughts are bundled together.

So, injection day today which means I've been on EUn 1 month and HRT generally 4 months straight. Next laser session in a few days as well.
Doing a lot of overtime so my mh is probably gonna tank.
Back on a diet (1650kcal + 20 milers on my days off) hoping to drop to 65kg by November.
Outside of panicking about my hrt compromising it my military stuff is basically all done, I have my slot in training and an entry date, I'm just stressed about losing it to things I can't do anything about.
I'm sort of running out of ways to improve, my work sucks up so much of my time so I just end up not doing my hobbies (because id need weekends free that I don't have)
I hate sitting around waiting, if it's all going to go wrong I'd rather get it over with.
Idfk might go climb Grib Goch or something but I kinda haven't figured out how to just do stuff yet.
Oh and need to do my bloodtest that ive let sit for a week so who knows if that's still valid lmao (oh anxiety procrastination how i love you).

I suppose the next thing I need to do is out myself and start figuring out wardrobe etc (so, what? Start with basics? Idk I have some jeans, shirts etc lying about but should probably explore all that more), I'm waiting to see how HRT/mino/fin effects my hairline since I think I'm seeing some gains there but may explore transplants further (it's not catastrophic but it's annoying enough to want to intervene). If anyone knows how long it takes to go from consult to completing a procedure because I've not got shit loads of time to play about with (well okay, unless i get medical'd then I will).
Maybe I should make a task list, and book some time off work that is actually for my own enjoyment not to do military related stuff
>>40580484
Yeah...
I'm very touch starved but can't act on it currently.

>>40582433
Should say, I'm trying very hard not to doom over the military stuff.
Even if I have to delay all the way to post FFS or similar it's still there, it's not the end of the world, it's not going to combust, I'd just have to redo physical and possibly some other stuff but I know I can do it because I have already.

pg7

>>40582433
>Yeah...
>I'm very touch starved but can't act on it currently
I know what you mean.
Thank goodness to whoever invented plushies, that's what's been helping keep my mind bandaged up a bit.

>>40561406
>He needs to understand that nobody can be a person's *everything*. That's not a relationship that's a one way ticket into codependency and eventual mutual resentment.
I think he understands that, but I'm not sure how much he genuinely believes it, sometimes. I've tried to push him to make more friends (I personally know it's not easy) but something about the way he relies on me has struck me as wrong for a while now. He says he's got hobbies and friends that he's satisfied with, despite that (good for him, I guess). Though his hobbies don't really align with mine and I'm not sure I see him participate in them all that much. I really don't want to be too judgemental about it, but at the same time, it really feels like we're on drastically different paths and it seems the only goal for him outside living with me and seeing me is him securing his living situation. I also tried to get him to exercise with me long distance and sort of keep each other accountable while also improving ourselves together and he told me that he would only do it if we were living together. I tried to get him to maybe walk more, and suggested we could walk and talk to each other, but he rejected the idea because of weather where he lives. He's told me before he is a homebody and is just satisfied being at home with me. He's not a huge fan of hiking and that's something I love to do. He might agree to do something like that with me, he makes an effort to go where I go, but it feels like that's the only reason he does anything sometimes. God, I hope I don't come off as an asshole saying this.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him being satisfied with his life as is, but there's something I can't quite describe going on here that leaves me utterly unsatisfied. Maybe somebody else can put words to it? Regardless, I've been putting this off for too long. He deserves to know how I feel, but I'm not quite sure what to tell him when he asks why.

/cissig/ when

>>40583632
What, sig for straights?

>>40583704
/sig/ for cis only

>>40583632
Doesnt that exist on /fit/?
Idk go make that thread if you like but this is already a slow gen lol.

>>40583632
i dont get why that changes anything. im cis already and the gen is fine.

>>40583632
>>40583704
>>40583709
Didn't OP already state like a bajillion times that
- /sig/ is for any letter
- /sig/ is also for cishet people to avoid people feeling "not lgbt enough to post"
- /adv/ has a sig that the one of /fit/ gets moved to?

>>40583888
>/sig/ is for any letter
maybe it shouldnt be

>>40583794
>i dont get why that changes anything. im cis already
you may be retarded

Remember anons, instead of pointless and entirely unneeded debate you can just go out and do things that make you better. Go get your exercise done, work on whatever you've been putting off etc
>>40583348
Actually real

SH anon back again I've officially made it a year SH free as of today. I feel pretty awful today overall but at least I can celebrate that as a small victory.
>>40478765
>A plushie comes to mind, because it is something that radiates comfort.
I like the idea of a plushie not sure what to get one of but any suggestions would be appreciated.

>>40585257
I have a husky I was bought for Christmas years ago but the ever ubiquitous Blahaj is always an option. Personally I'd just pick by favourite animals. Go sort of medium/large with size.

Panty here again. I got back the purse I took to a shop for repairs. When I picked it up, I noticed some worn spots on it. I figured since I paid to get it fixed, I might as well do other things to take care of it. Plus it’s good practice for when I get something nicer later.

So I bought some beeswax shoe polish for a few bucks and polished the purse with an old washcloth, and I could see the difference.

>>40580582
did that help at all?

Bump

Bump

>>40560195
>>40560202
First of all let me thank you (and everyone reading along) for your patience, I'm on vacation for another week which is why I am slow to respond. I will be for another week before I am more active again.
>miss siganon
You're too sweet, though it's mister! I know my posting style can be misleading so don't worry, I get that a lot.
>the advice I got wasn't too applicable.
Sorry to hear anon, let's see what we can do about it. I can be a bit slow to respond but we can have a dialogue this time around to figure out something workable together, it tends to be easier to sus out the details in a dialogue.
>I just had to tell you about the feels as well, because they bother me more.
Oh okay, it's definitely important context but now I get it I believe.
>Why can't I make myself do stuff until I finished like, say, half of the goals; and only then decide to indugle a little? Or make the breaks be time periods where I do nothing but reflect on what I did beforehand?
It sounds like a core issue of yours is "barrier heights". Like, taking breaks? Healthy. But like poorly chosen breaker it trips way too early. One thing you can do is to sabotage what you want to make harder by physical means. For example, the proneness to doom scrolling could be mitigated if you could keep your phone physically separated from your workspace.
>One of the worst scenarios that knows to happen due to the issues above, is that I sometimes figure out something, procrastinate, and once I return to my work I forget the thing I figured out
Conversely, lowering psychological friction here can help much the same. Having a notebook on your body and habituating scribbling thoughts into it would lower your chances of forgetting.
(1/2)

>>40560195
>>40560202
(2/2)
>So how can I motivate myself to deal with the parts of college that feel like a pure chore?
Hm. There's two aspects to this in my mind. The ADHD aspect I can't help with too much since I am not super knowledgeable on that front; we got resources that deal with these kinda of issues (howtoadhd for example) but I can't estimate its use though, not on my own, so feedback is valuable. I can provide good arguments for why pursuing a broad set of skills is important for both work and private life. What areas do you struggle to motivate yourself for?
>>40562147
>Yeah and if you've had all the surgeries you intend to get
>The problem is it has to be "legit" hrt (ie: via nhs/private)
They can check that? Well I suppose they have your medical record, huh? Otherwise there would be no way for them to tell.
>also like doctors notes saying you're mentally sound etc.
Which in and of itself should not be an issue, at least. So in other words you need to go through the official channels to out yourself at work properly then. Well, okay, there is one thing I don't quite get yet. Suppose you're gonna keep at it and work towards your job goals as you are now, closeted, and in parallel get your papers in order. Can you, technically, pursue your job normally, with people perhaps being aware what you're gonna do? I mean, in practice, I would expect the people you end up directly answering to to matter more than the red tape. What about this:
>you keep doing whatever it is you need to do for the job
>whatever higher up you will deal with is aware that you are gonna transition officially in a year or so
this way you would have an income without waiting a year. The only thing it would delay is the paper trail catching up with reality, right? Since you can keep using diy, you can apply for all the official stuff just to have it on paper (even if you never use it), and then just sit out the 6 months already employed.

>>40560834
Yes that is very possible. A lot of (all) people struggle to express their feelings clearly (to some extent), or lack awareness of why they feel the way they do moment to moment.
>I always felt burned out and thzt the other person just had no interest in me talking
Oh it can be that but it often isn't. Like, imagine for example a copy of yourself. You both crave someone to listen, you both wish to connect, and want to feel interesting, want to feel engaged with. You both WANT to care about the other too. But both of you need your turn to speak, too. Otherwise either one burns out. People never really convey how much they wanna speak or listen, it doesn't fit naturally into conversation, so someone's gotta ask questions.
>I always was scared to ask others about things, felt like sucha bother...
There is not a single part of conversation that is a chore, not really. We need people to listen to, we need people to speak to. Neither is a "cost", everything is a mutual benefit. Listening requires focus, but speaking does too. Both require exerting effort, and there is no point in speaking if nobody is there to answer. There is no need to keep track, it's just good to mix and match.
>hey, you like X don't you, tell me about it
>hey, this reminds me of Y that I like, it relates to X, you see...
>Hey thank you for listening to me rambling
>I really enjoy listening to you!
if something doesn't interest you? Try find something about it that does, or ask them what it is that excites them about it!
>>40562258
>The more I feel safe, the more I'm affected by flashbacks.
Back draft, it's a well known side effect of being in a safe environment. Basically an "it gets worse before it gets better" situation, I encourage you to read up on it! It is hard, it really is. I am immensely happy for you having come this far, and I am rooting for you. We're here for you too if you would like advice on anything in particular. It will only get easier..

>>40591467
>They can check that?
For surgeries it's really just dont ask dont tell.
But yeah hrt if for whatever reason they do bloodwork on me would show and if it's diy it is almost certainly gonna be viewed as a drugs policy violation.
I know my hrt doesnt show in a urine test though so it's just bloods.
You're not allowed to join while "actively experiencing dysphoria" (ie: pretransition) so another case of dont ask, dont tell.
Once im out of the very basic Ph1 stuff that is maybe possible because they're invested in you but yeah

Once actually in service you're right it can be done that way but yeah not for now. Current plan is just manmode hard through training. The most likely way they out me currently is if they find records of me buying hrt in my bank records (not out of the question but not super likely) since afaik they only blood test for blood type, not a full hormone panel.

Tbh I've explored all my options atp and I'm just rolling with it. I dont need to make an exact choice for a while on how I'll handle it

>>40591698
I need to stop scrolling 4chan in work...

What should I do for my birthday? Go to a bar alone? Stay home and study? Hookup with some rando on Grindr? Get with my abusive ex for a night?

>>40591815
Why? Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I scroll on company time.

>>40560907
The other Anon has made a great point about what is known as "back draft", it gets worse before it gets better leaving a shitty environment. I can't promise you moving out for good will fix your depression completely, especially if trauma is in the mix, but it is an ESSENTIAL step. Let me start simple: you need to get the hell out. As soon as you can, ideally never to return. Cutting contact might not be feasible right now but it would be a great option if you can stomach it medium term. Tell me about your dormmates, and your close friends/loved ones.
>>40564047
>And I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the new PSG episodes!
Will definitely keep you posted, I'm on vacation for two weeks and am saving up some episodes
>Something else I’ve been working on lately is digital clutter.
One thing I've set up for myself is a small bash script that automatically moves files into appropriate sub-folders once a week (jpgs into a jpg/ folder and so on), though that's a bit of a linuxbrained approach (I use it for work anyway and ditched windows when they introduced w8).
>>40567108
What the actual fuck is wrong with these people?
>I'm trying to look on the bright side, that any apartment we find will be better than this shithole and we were thinking about moving anyway, but being told you have 31 whole days to find a new place is not great.
I wish you all the best Tanjinon. Not to fedpost on main but just today I learned of a CEO from a real estate agency called Blackstone (apparently having massively profited off the '08 financial crisis) having been shot just the other day. Let's hope we will see plenty of improvement in.. related directions.
>>40583894
What makes you say that?
>>40570930
What are the things you need doing explicitly?

>>40592080
Cause i end up spamming the thread lmao.

>>40574675
Heya, Anon. Loneliness fucking sucks, I assume you're one of the kind souls I talked to before?
>>40577307
As in body doubling, to throw a googleable term at you?
Hm, what are your circumstances, do you live in an area where it is hard to find people or do you know where to look but struggle to go for (for example) anxiety reasons?
>>40567670
>I'm glad this gen is here.
I will do my best to keep it that way, and I am glad you took time to focus on yourself.
>I'm glad that I'm not missed, not needed. I'm sorry.
There are many people I recall having posted here over the years, I miss a good amount of people. I'm sure we talked at one point or another, and I hope I could have been of any use to you in turn. I am grateful for every kindness you extended to people. And I don't think anything you said makes you lesser. If you believe you helped others for rational reasons then that just means you have good ethics, which is a wonderful thing in and of itself. So.. thank you, Anon.
>I didn't want friends or constant contact. I still sort of have the same problem in real life.
Maybe a stupid question but: how come you do? Just.. generally avoidant?
>>40580568
>Can't say I feel that great about it but at least I've down most of what I set out to do.
Perfect. I can imagine the satisfaction not quite hitting given how stressful everything still is for you. I empathize.
>It's all good, the effort is always appreciated, I hope all is well with you.
Everything is fine, don'tcha worry, just means I am slow to respond. Relatively
>God, I want this to end, it's honestly just a sad at this point. What do I even do here?
The big picture view from an outsider's pov is that you are currently spring boarding off of a messy as hell situation in a foreign country to eventually turn a new leaf and leave all the old crap behind once you can. I hope you get to have some rest inbetween all this. At least a few days of just unplugging from it all would do wonders I imagine.

>>40592097
>today I learned of a CEO from a real estate agency called Blackstone (apparently having massively profited off the '08 financial crisis) having been shot
Huh? Do you mean Blackrock? Do you have a link? nta btw

>>40592518
https://www.forbes.com/sites/tylerroush/2025/07/29/blackstone-executive-wesley-lepatner-killed-in-manhattan-shooting/

>>40592587
ic, thanks

>>40580545
>>40580582
This is incredibly adorable!
>>40580936
>Haven't ventured out of /lgbt/ for years tbqh
I have, and honestly people are tired of lgbt bashing from what I can tell. "Tranny" has gone the way of "faggot" from what I can tell. Doesn't mean I recommend what I did in the present day, but still.
>Damn, that's wild. Sounds like a very cool experience.
It was! People call me insane for doing these things. But honestly, it's only scary the first time. I've met several people from here since, and I am very happy about it. Even someone from /sig/!
>I always delete phone numbers after a while... maybe that's a bad habit.
I strongly urge you to keep them, yeah. I only give mine out when I want people to have it for good.
>journaling is more about forgetting things than remembering things for me, if that makes sense.
Hmm.. can you try expanding upon that?
>I wish there was a bigger task.
Ohh, you feel directionless. Just like how I find meaning in community, I suppose you need basically a cardinal direction, something grander and overarching to feel a part of. The thing with that is that it becomes more meaningful as you invest yourself into it though. I think you once mentioned something along the lines of wishing to leave a mark? Or be acknowledged for your efforts? Do I misremember?
>I guess I am quite afraid of being ridiculed IRL. I dunno
This is immensely helpful context, Tim! I understand that fear too well, I've had lots of experiences of that sort as a kid. These days I've selected my company IRL and online in such a way that I don't have to deal with people like that. I don't think
>It always turns into some stupid game of dominance and submission.
Difficult, I believe I understand what you mean. Are you talking about conversations in large groups where it never feels like your turn to speak up? Frankly I prefer 1 on 1 things for that reason.
(1/2, goodness)

gotta go for a bit.
>>40580936
(2/2)
>That's just not what social interactions are like IRL.
I would like to explore that thought to better understand what you mean. Imagine I somehow materialized in your city and invited you out for a coffee. We would look for a decent enough place and have a conversation. Do you feel I would be much different?
>Enjoy your vacation, anon. It sounds like you've earned it.
Thank you, Tim. I appreciate it.

>>40582433
>Oh and need to do my bloodtest that ive let sit for a week so who knows if that's still valid lmao (oh anxiety procrastination how i love you).
Is there a way I can help you out there?
>Maybe I should make a task list, and book some time off work that is actually for my own enjoyment not to do military related stuff
Yes, urgently!

>>40585257
First of all, congratulations anon! I'm proud of you.
As for plushies, blahaj is super popular because he's big and very huggable. Big ones you can wrap your arms and legs around are very comforting for many people. Small ones can be very nice too though, if you just want something like a cute round blob to hug, squishables is a webstore that ships to all countries I've been to at least. Etsy can be an option too but is pricier. Many people are also fond of some particular animal or thing from a show or movie they like. Something symbolic can also be powerful; maybe an animal you associate with something you love or care for, or a cherished memory.

>>40592942
>Is there a way I can help you out there?
Honestly no i just need to get a grip. My work schedule isnt helping but bleugh, excuses.

>>40588788
I did, it helped a lot.
Thank you.

Hm hope this post will make it, it’s on page 10 now…

>>40595613
Well, I guess that was a success, so… good evening!
The past few threads have been archived when I found them so I couldnt reply to the anons who replied to me. Sorry.
I guess this past week has been packed full of spontaneous decisions and a busy schedule anyway…

I pushed myself to go on a small vacation with old friends: I packed the day I left, and took the first train I could find. Then as I was travelling I got a small project oriented job offer that I accepted. I’m starting this week.
I’m… very worn. Nervous. And running on a fake high. But I’m going to try.
It wasn’t a voice acting job this time, but it’s still cool that the people I’ve met over the years have faith in my skills.
Doing something while my lucky streak of not being sent to the hospital continues is probably better than stunting myself further.

My friends were happy to see me and invited me to meet up again soon. I didn’t get that sick during the trip, but some of them pointed out that my face and voice has been affected by my illness, which is going to make for a great addition to my stack of evidence for the doctors.

So… In writing all of it sounds like I’m swimming in success and doing my part to improve right now.

But I can’t feel it.

I feel detached.

I don’t really understand how to be a part of the world anymore or why it’s supposed to be desirable.

I’m aware it’s my dissociative tendencies trying to remove me from danger by making everything and everyone, including myself, feel fake and distant, but I don’t really know how to make it stop or how to feel connected to anything again.
I’m not really sure I ever will.
When I think about it I don’t even feel romantically inclined anymore, I just want power and sex and an early death.
Hopefully this wont be forever. I’m trying my best again tomorrow.

Neurodivergent ramble: I often feel stuck when I try to improve and I feel like I can never focus on the things I want to do, but always some shit I have to do. I hate voice training cuz I'm fat rn and I can't do a girl voice without imagining my fat ass doing it and I'm just pissed. I gotta worry about internships and jobs and everything is so hard because I'm retarded and suck at bettering myself, I don't even feel good when I scroll or binge eat, but I keep doing it and it takes ages to recover and when I get in a better position I throw myself into hell because I felt better for a second

>>40592424
>body doubling
yes exactly
>do you live in an area where it is hard to find people
yes I'm quite isolated and I wouldn't know how to approach people if the opportunity arised
>>40593966
any time anon

Pg10

>>40601747
pg8

Don't die yet, I have so many things to complain about and try to fix.

>>40592424
>Perfect. I can imagine the satisfaction not quite hitting given how stressful everything still is for you
Yeah, it's been hard to feel good or at peace with things as they are.
>I empathize
Thank you.

>Everything is fine, don'tcha worry, just means I am slow to respond. Relatively
It's all good, take your time.
I stop by as often as I can.

>>40592424
>The big picture view from an outsider's pov is that you are currently spring boarding off of a messy as hell situation in a foreign country to eventually turn a new leaf and leave all the old crap behind once you can
Why does all of that make me so anxious to think about?
Feels like too much for my brain to handle.

pg8

I need a new way to entertain myself in the evenings. If I have to watch another "informative" youtube video, I'm going to puke.

>>40561392
Yeah i have been washing my hands a lot and eventually they become dry and start to bleed. The thing with college is that although they made friends the group I talked to eventually separated due to a disagreement with the group and someone in that group raped another person and just yeah. To be honest, I don’t really get anything from porn that much anymore it just feels empty to me and every other baggage that came with it is just too much for me now. I know it is going to take a while because it’s been over a decade with this addiction top that with other shit I dealt with and yeah it is going to take a while, but it’s becoming more manageable and I know that I can get better. There is this quote from Speed Racer that says racing will never change but it is how it changes you and porn changed me into a person I don’t want to become and I am hearing more news and stuff and it’s like I don’t want to watch porn that is funding terrible ass shit like a war and even the viruses. Also, I remember reading someone wrote as a joke that sometimes when a gay person sees a hot guy it’s like the first time they ever seen a guy and yeah I am guilty of that, but like I said I don’t want this anymore. Besides all that I have been trying to read some DC comics to keep me occupied so I can watch the DCU stuff when they come out and I have been looking up merchandise for Thunderbolts because I did like the movie and the theming of it. This might sound a bit weird, but I remember the Rapunzel movie where she sees her room is full of suns and I want that to remind myself of things that I enjoy. I’ve been listening to much too my head that it feels like I have lost control of myself like there are times where I could give less of a shit but I feel like I have to for some fucking reason and I hate it.

>>40607136
I am not sure what to do now to be honest now that I am finished with college I just went just to go to college, but now I have a degree and a transfer degree so I can go where I want to. There are times where I just want to give up and retreat back, but it’s never going to be the same now that I am not doing wishful thinking anymore and to be honest I am happy because it was torture like I gave up on myself and was sitting on my ass waiting for someone to pick me up which is wrong and pathetic. The thing as much I want to say a lot of shit to myself it straight up doesn’t help because I know that at the end of the day that I will end up in another cycle and I don’t want to go back. Well now that I have finished college I can clean up my room to more liking get rid of just a bit more mold. I also have been taking those fiber pills that I was scared of having lead and it has been helping my stomach a lot, but still worried about the side effects of potentially consuming lead. I want to become the person I have always wanted to become, but I know in order to do that I do have to come to terms with the way things are at the moment and what I have turned into in order for me to get better. I never wanted to be like this at all, but I have been putting off help for a while thinking that I can beat it by myself and I have recovered when in truth that was just a lie. I have said before that I am starting to feel like myself again and I want it to stay that way because I feel more happier and more free when I am just me and not being what someone said was me or what people think of m.

>>40526903 (OP)
ive been posting my body on a few threads in hoping of attracting a femboy or trans girl, but the image is usually ignored. why is that? When I ask why they say I'm catfishing