Thread 40632658

>Britney Spears Edition
Confess unspoken feelings, write that unsent letter, vent to the void...

you think i care about you
when you don’t care about me
or any of what i care about

well i do
i do care about you

but do you

i love you but I'm no good for you

thanks for introducing me into your life, this has been the best summer I've had in so long, maybe ever. But I hate you for making me question my transition... even if you didn't do or say anything bad. And I hate you for making me question my orientation because I'm getting too old for this shit

I hate being a chaser. I hate wanting something that's impossible to get.

I'm glad that you noticed me and we've been talking but I'm afraid I'll mess it up and you'll inevitably get weirded out and ghost me, I really like you and want to get to know you better hope this lasts...

i was right
it was just the wrong time
i wish i could’ve given you all of me
i wish i had been ready to
you’ll be ok and you’ll become who you were meant to be
i wish i was kinder to you and i hope the me in the next life is if they meet you

1.
i wanted to give you this book 3 years ago, it just had these images that i thought you would really enjoy. and i obviously wanted to be the one who gave them to you. i felt like i loved you, i got infatuated, sorry about that. i didn't act on it, because i had a lot of insecurities about the future, and i guess i wasn't sure you would want to come along for the ride. i won't throw this book away in case i ever feel like enough time has gone by, that i can laugh about this and think you'll take the gesture well

2.
i wanted to give you this gift a couple years back. i really felt we had something special going on, i know you also know that. sorry i got too attached too quickly, and that you couldn't match that energy. thank you for handholding me thru the process, and sorry for not being able to make it the same as it used to be, although you had your part in that as well. i truly miss you, i miss what we had, i do feel like we understood each other and vibed in the same wavelength. sorry for not being more upfront about my attachment too. it's just, that i was insecure about me being able to show up in the way that you needed me to, and whether you could come along for the changes that i expected.
i am truly glad that you found a boyfriend. maybe it's cucked of me to say but you probably made the right choice. that doesn't mean i don't fucking hate the fact that you didn't choose me. even thought there is some semblance of keeping in touch between us i feel like you're distant enough for me to question whether giving you this ridiculous gift would be a good idea. i may have to throw this one away, sadly. it's just too bulky. maybe if i see some sign that would make me thing you'd be receptive to it i'll give it to you, and i'll be detached from your decision on how to handle this object. if it doesn't have a place in your life it will be perfectly understandable to me. if it does have a place in your life, it'll make me glad for sure tho.

bump

i'm an immature coward. it's quite a shame i met you at this point in my life. i really would love you if i knew how to.

>>40634594
can you say more anon? its strangely relatable

I just saw my same age male cousin and his new wife and got to rant to them about how shitty my family and childhood were and it was really therapeutic and I think I blew her mind (the wife - who is from Asia) with all the family lore. It felt good to get out - my parents arent sympathetic to my suffering at all and deride me as anxious and mentally ill when I dare bring it up.

I'm very mean to my friends while posting as anon.

>>40632658 (OP)
Ive been lying to friends for years about being cis or more like denying i was trans from the jump. They still have no idea

I worry that I won't find a man who is highly compatible with me to the degree where I don't feel like something's missing or I can't express a part of myself with him. I want a man who feels like my other half, but I feel like some of the things I want are mutually exclusive with each other. I also fear that the kind of man I want is too niche to find easily, if at all. In my last relationship, we did love each other, but the whole time I struggled with not being able to have one of my biggest kinks fulfilled in the relationship. It sucked because it's so core to my sexuality, but at the same time I felt guilty because we still loved each other and I felt like I was being shallow for missing it so much. We broke up for unrelated reasons, but if I find someone again, I hope that my id won't be unsatisfied and being a problem child that my superego has to tard wrangle.

>>40634919
It's one thing to think bitchy things in our heads sometimes and not say them out loud, but if you mean like being besties on discord but then bitchy in anon replies when you see them on the board (I'm assuming these are tripfags/namefags or have a very recognizable posting style) and say things you'd never say to them with your name attached, then I highly suggest you stop this behavior and do some reflecting, nona. Even if you get away with being mean, it's unhealthy for your own mental healthy and morally bad even if you don't get caught and punished. Perhaps there is some desire in your life that is unfulfilled and making you unhappy enough to lash out at others. Perhaps it's something else. Either way, it's good you're self aware of it. Your self awareness puts a useful tool in your hands. It's up to you to decide how to use it.

>>40635075
Understandable. Don't have anything practical to say, just want to mention how difficult I feel that must be. It's a secret that I'm sure anyone on this board understands you keeping and won't fault you for it. But I can imagine how it must wear on you at times because of the paranoia of being caught and because of how shitty it must feel to feel like you're being deceptive even when there's no ill intent and you're just trying to keep yourself safe. I became close friends with a guy a couple years ago and never told him I'm gay cause I know they're homophobic and at the time didn't intend to become friends with him (we met for non-social reasons). But here I am now, still needing to keep this secret because he's become like the brother I always needed and never had and I'm too scared to lose him. It would honestly break my heart. He's the only homophobe whose opinion about me I give a shit about. But I know I can't keep the secret forever, nor can I keep him forever. I tell myself that when it's safe, I'll rip off the band-aid and let him go. I wonder when that will be. I know things will end and it will hurt, but I know that I'll always love him and care about him like a brother. I wish that I could have a brother like that I could keep. I hope someday you either build up the courage (and safety net) to not have to be afraid anymore or that eventually the secret doesn't bother you to keep.

>>40632658 (OP)
ow

I regret studying comp sci and wish I just followed through with my original plan of becoming a therapist. I was too unhealthy through most of my 20s to be a therapist, but I'm in a healthy enough place now (and have had more experience in life that has allowed me to grow) to feel like I could do it now. But I wasted 4 years and got into debt over this comp sci degree that I don't even want to use anymore. I like how I can make things with code, but it's not my real passion. The whole "if you don't study stem you'll be poor" fomo hit me hard, but here I am with this degree that's gonna get me nowhere because it's not my passion. Tech work doesn't give me life. It feels like swimming upstream. And I'm so tired of swimming upstream. I just want my life to feel natural to me. And I know the kind of work a therapist does would feel both natural and fulfilling to me. I can still do a grad degree now, but that's more time and more money. It's better late than never. But I feel like I just climbed a mountain and on the other side is another mountain I have to climb. Sigh.

i have cried every day for the past few weeks

>>40635327
what are you crying over anon? I hope letting it out has helped you feel a bit better at least.

>>40635327
crying feels really good I haven't cried in years be glad you have it in you
all my hurt is just packed deep within cuz nobody is sympathetic

>>40635338
nta yeah i feel that anon. my whole psyche keeps me detached enough to maintain homeostasis but i crave to be able to gutteraly cry out the pains from the depths of my soul and feel relieved of it. even if it still hurts, it would feel so good to grieve it all and make peace with it.

>>40635352
You can't grieve if the people who wronged you are still at large. Knowing they will never face comeuppance and don't feel they did anything harmful is unsettling.
My goal is to outlive everyone who hurt me - that's what I live for most.

I wish you gave me a quarter of the attention and consideration and care that I gave you. And you. And you. And you, too.
I wish anyone I ever felt something for would meet me halfway.

>>40632658 (OP)
im sorry i still haven't gotten a job. im sorry i still haven't cleaned the apartment. im sorry im still not going outside. im sorry im still an addict. im sorry i don't try at anything. im sorry i don't take care of myself. im sorry i've gotten so lazy. i'm sorry i still have a dick. im sorry for still being so dysphoric. im sorry i hung out with weird nazis for so long. im sorry i keep using 4chan even though you probably wouldn't want me to. im sorry my rib cage is so wide. im sorry i can grow facial hairs. im sorry that ill never be a real woman. im sorry to everyone who has to see my autistic rapehon self in real life. im sorry to all my coworkers that i forced to pretend i was cis. im sorry parents for ruining everything you've given me

>>40635075
me too, i have a few friends who know and i very selfishly force them to keep it well under wraps around the ones who dont

>>40635406
It's not your fault, as cliche as it is. I hope you can get the support to get you to a place where you can have compassion for yourself, and ideally have others understand you and have compassion for you too. You don't deserve all this suffering.

Everyone talking about love and romance in this thread makes me sad and jealous because I've never been close enough to anyone to even feel like I could have that kind of relationship with them. I am 32. I am completely alone

>>40635459
i haven't been through anything all of my suffering except for being trans is because of my own bad choices.

>>40635406
>im sorry i still haven't gotten a job. im sorry i still haven't cleaned the apartment. im sorry im still not going outside. im sorry im still an addict. im sorry i don't try at anything. im sorry i don't take care of myself. im sorry i've gotten so lazy.
This is extremely relatable. I am not sorry though either, I made all these choices and I want to stop feeling bad about it more than I want to fix it.

It's ok to be gay even if you don't take estrogen.

I'm sorry I invited you into the speeding train of my life, work, and immaturlty.

i miss you mya. part of me wishes we had never met, and i hate that youre in my head but still. i miss you. maybe i'll come to sydney and we'll cross paths and lock eyes and then i can never think about you again

I’m a trans girl and I’ve been on HRT for a long time. 3 years ago I started dating a woman because I was sick of men treating me like shit. Now I’m not sure if I love her anymore, or if I ever did. I think I might be straight…
Our lives are so entangled, we live together, share so much. I can’t bear to leave her but I’m attracted to men.

>>40635555
was her love like whoa?

I just plucked an ingrown hair out of my chin, who knows how long it had been growing in there, it wasn't long but it was thick, I feel so relieved, most likely the last one remaining from the time when I still shaved as the tip was flat.

I fucking hate facial hair(on me).

im realizing the only reason i think i pass is because the only person i interact with is my 6'4 bf with 51" rib cage

>>40632658 (OP)
You can deny it all you wish, but what we "had" was abusive and I'm glad I nope-d out of that situation. I used to post about you a lot on these threads. Not for any good reason. You don't tend to come up in my thoughts very often, but I did see you a few times riding the train. Very glad you didn't see me, because I don't know what I would have even said to you. I would have been too scared.

I have pretty bad dissociative issues due to everything I've been through, and you know this well. My memory is pretty dogwater, but..

I broke down at work crying today because I remembered I still had to go check my storage unit to see if you got all your shit out. I remembered things that had happened between us. I couldn't help but start sobbing. I shouldn't have let you take advantage of me for so long. Anyway, I couldn't get in, so I'm assuming you did.

I wish I didn't waste so much time on you, seeing how you reacted with outing me to your friends. They were my mutual friends too, so it really hurts to see them just blindly follow your word. Either way, whatever. I'm just glad you and your shitty dad aren't pursuing me legally anymore. I can finally somewhat rest, far away from you.

Just know that if you did end up suing me, YOU would be the one to lose, not me. Especially not with the voicemail I have from your dad where he threatened me.

>>40635336
im really lonely and stressed and dissociated. i wish i was doing more with my life but it just never works out no matter how hard i try. i wish people would show any interest in me

>>40635312
Real as hell. I wish I had spent my time learning art instead of comp sci. I know it’s way worse salary wise, but at least making art is fun

>>40635312
maybe there's a way you could combine both things so that you don't feel like you wasted time in tech
maybe something like, being a company therapist inside a tech co
maybe there are lateral moves you could make as well, like finding tech work that get you closer to the switch you're gonna make / to help pay debt meanwhile, like some ai mental health startup or something like that

>>40632658 (OP)
You're a little bitch for ghosting me, and a hypocrite for doing it after making me promise time and time again that i wouldn't abandon you.

I still hope you're do in well, hypocritical little bitch.

I don't understand and I will never know for sure. You said you have no friends because you are bad at making friends. Then, when we talked, you told me things about your friends. Are there not multiple people, both online and physical, who play with and talk to you? I tried to make sense of it in my head but it didn't add up. This is undoubtedly wrong of me to say, but I felt like you were a lying normie and I wanted nothing to do with that. Maybe you were a fed fishing for information after all. In that case I'm sorry to have wasted your time officer.

>>40632658 (OP)
i hope she doesn't hate me

I wonder if you’re here
I wonder if you’ll see this
Probably not

But, just so you know it’s me:
Red pandas, pistachios, cherries.

>>40637541
i’m sorry i said i do :(((( i do not

>>40632834
please just love me in this one

I'm dealing with waanting to be loving and loyal to my gf but also wanting to be violently assaulted and taken advantge of

>>40637056
this wasn’t me but same circumstance you aren’t a bitch and i’m sorry i said i hate you please talk to me again

>>40635387
if this is you i feel extremely strong about you

>>40635327
me i miss her so mucghhh
>>40632689
i care about u

>>40637644
im ruined

>>40639061
if this is really you you are not and please work with also if it isn’t you random anon you aren’t ruined

>>40638808
<3

>>40639345
<3 my mind is mush pls if any are u talk to me again

>>40639366
mine has been mush today too but its starting to solidify again now

>>40632658 (OP)
FUCK YOU HENRY you literally put me through and emotional meatgrinder and fucked me up so bad and even though all your friends hate you now and its been like 2 years some stupid stupid part of me still sincerley cares about you and i hope your doing horrible but i also really really hope your doing okay and you got better

>>40639389
pls lmk if u

I have a boyfriend currently but I think I’m a lesbian and I am suppressing the gay thoughts so hard

>>40639462
ok

>>40639564
okay i’m sorry and ily and will be patient sorry i haven’t been you are precious and i rly hope you readd me soon i yearn for you sorry im so much drama and not stable as i would like to be for myself and you when you were letting me in i liked it a lot when you said if i make my calls you’d be proud sorry i didn’t i miss you

My FTM boyfriend is an amazing guy. But I'm not as physically attracted to him when he gets too masc, like let's his hair go greasy and his stubble grow out and wears loose cut clothes. Occasionally for fun, he goes andro, or the rare cross dress. When he does that, I want him so bad. But masc is who he is and as a whole he makes me happy. But I feel like I'm betraying him.

In retrospect, I'm glad you ghosted me.

>>40639703

If you would be sexually satisfied and emotionally fulfilled by your relationship with him if he went full masc all the time and was never fem or andro again for the rest of his life then there's nothing wrong with having a preference as long as you don't tell him about it and make him feel punished for being a normal guy. If you stick around for the times he's what you actually want and you feel like you tolerate what you don't want to gain access to what you're really looking for, you're not just betraying him, you're fucking yourself. I don't make my husband dress goth and wear eyeliner and fishnets all the time even though it makes my dick diamonds, but when he does dress up for me like once a year or whatever it's the best. I don't feel like his normal t shirt and cargo pants style isn't fuckable, he's hot because he's him. I don't value aesthetics enough to leave him for a guy who dresses like my fetish fulltime, I don't want access to that kind of sex more than I want my man

>>40639753
:((((((

>>40639703
baka you don't deserve him and you're def betraying him. hope he's able to find a partner that actually loves him one day

>>40639698
i'm just an anon (ᗒᗩᗕ)

>>40638794
I wish we were people we knew who could grow closer.

>>40639250
it's too late there's no way you could take me back

>>40639985
gl anon sry
>>40640212
sry anon me too
>>40640323
i definitely would and find a way to make something or anything work

>>40636386
yup. we humans are so scared of chasing after our happiness but also scared of never trying.

>>40636898
thanks for trying to be helpful, anon, i appreciate it. i know that i have to buckle down and be practical once my brain stops throwing a tantrum and wanting to do something wacky. trying to find something that is an in between as opposed to an either-or is a smart and practical thing. but i don't even know what that looks like t.bh. honestly it just feels like work in the same way tech does. maybe it's the lazy kid inside me that's throwing a tantrum at reality right now, but i just want life to feel natural. not like a slog.

>>40640350
i crossed the line

>>40640505
hmm i dont think you are her bc im the one who crossed the line but if you are u didnt

>>40639801
You're right. Maybe I'm just over-reacting. I don't ask him to do the andro or cross dress. He does them because he's in the mood randomly, like sometimes he wants to drive us home a new way or being home something we've never tried before. He is sensitive to me, and is good at sensing my needs so he probably knows that I like it too. And even when he's in power masc mode, being around him is still a joy. I couldn't choose someone else. He makes me happy like no one else.
>>40639855
You're wrong. I do love him. More than anything. I'd fuck you up for suggesting that I don't, but i think maybe you've had someone fall out of love with you, or you think I'm ungrateful for him. It's okay, you'll find yours. You can't fucking have mine though.

For the record, I was wrong. You weren't wild berry, you were obviously brown sugar cinnamon.

I wish i could have helped her. I wish i could make her feel better. I wish i could be hers. More than i could know, more than i could fix but i wish i could.

>>40641310

I fucking love wildberry that's the best poptart

>autistic
>deep seated confidence issues in regards to my value
>can't hold down a job or get good jobs due to confidence issues
>looking into doing sex work
>brain instantly flooded with thoughts of "but what if the people paying me will hate me and think i'm ugly and feel disappointed"

am i cooked

I miss you sucking my cock so much. I miss your pretty brown eyes looking up at me. I miss having sex with you. I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss being horny with you. I miss you jacking me off and humiliating me. I miss our fucked up perverted roleplays.
I miss you, an I miss your heart. I miss feeling our hearts beat against each other’s.
I miss kissing you. I miss fucking you. I miss you fucking me. I miss you. I’m not sure if I miss me.

You said you still want me, but that we can’t be together for external reasons like distance and money.
Come on… that’s not a real answer, is it? You’re with this other person now because the person you want is impractical? What does that say? Is it a lie?

I just wish we could be together. I guess.
:(

We have so many good memories.

I feel hollow. I feel empty.
I feel like I ruined everything somehow and I don’t know how. Maybe it’s easier to blame myself.
I just want you. Once more.
I miss what we had, and I miss who you were.
I think you’re the only thing I really want anymore. Your love.
I wish I could touch your face again. I wish I could feel you to know you’re there.
All that’s left for me is wishing and longing.

>>40643819
yuck

>>40643902
jk it’s pretty cute

>>40641314
pllllls readd me

>>40643912
Thanks I think <3
( I know I’m weird and gross n creepy •n•