Thread 40662764

i got lowkey kinda raped but not really but also yes really in a very loose kinda way that is hard to explain and for some reason it really traumatized me. like what happened to me would never be able to be classified as rape in a court of law, moreso coercive abusive sex and SA, but even though i wasnt held down against my will and fucked like that it still traumatized so much i cant be intimate anymore which makes me feel like a fraud since other people have been through more traumatizing and more real rape, which makes me wish i got really raped, like going outside and got held down and fucked against my will rape. and this is NOT a sexual desire. i feel zero arousal when it comes to this, moreso shame and a wish for things to be corrected, and for some reason my mangled brain is conviced being raped for real would fix me. does anyone relate?

>>40662764 (OP)
I'd give anon a big, hour-long hug and tell her she's good enough.
This is a sad but classic tranny moment.
I wish I could fix it.

>>40662764 (OP)
I’ve experienced a very similar SA type thing. Desiring to be raped from that is like a practical fantasy that would, in your mind, allow you a more clear “excuse” to feel the shame/sadness/inability to engage in sexual things instead of feeling an imposter. It’s fine to have those thoughts. Sometimes when I’m really dysphoric and crying I’ll imagine something else terrible happened to me so I can pretend to be sad about something else instead. Idk brains are weird

>>40662764 (OP)
I was raped in the ass when drugged and it didnt traumatize me I dont think rape is that bad desu its actually kind of hot thinking back cant relate

>>40662818
This is how I felt about my boyfriend taking me into the basement and fucking me 2 minutes after meeting in person. I didn't want to but man was it hot....

>>40662764 (OP)
i got definitely raped but I don't remember it due to being drugged. I guess it wouldn't count in a court either since there's no evidence. No point in telling police anyway since they'd probably just arrest me somehow for being a tranny and also being raped would mess up my reputation at work (it was somebody I met through work that did it)
It really messed me up for a while but now I can forget about it if it doesn't come up. For a while I like refused to go outside and definitely didn't want to have sex (I have a bf though so that was hard to explain..). Idk eventually i just decided I had to move on

>>40662764 (OP)
I can relate. I was molested as a kid and for a while I wished I were raped or sexually abused because I couldn't recognize myself as a victim. At the time I had (still have) horribly low self esteem and rationalized it with shit like "oh be grateful she touched you, ugly ass bitch" "it wasn't bad enough" etc. Was also possibly groomed online after it happened and I'm just realizing it could be seen as that... (in denial because I never exposed my body or age but I think he knew LMFAO and I can't accept it as csa either tbdesu) but yeah. I'm mad at society for all its myths about sa that fuck us over

>>40662862
Adding on, your situation very much does sound like rape and sexual abuse. Know that you shouldn't feel shame for being hurt by an evil person. Not your fault.

>>40662888
(Referring to op)

>>40662862
oh yeah I relate to this too. I said "definitely raped" last post to say it wasn't ambiguous like OP claims but really unless someone reminds me I don't consider myself somebody who got raped. desu it just doesn't seem that important if i am raped and I feel like if I wasn't in that bar it wouldn't have happened so it's kind of my problem.
idk like I said it really screwed me up for a while and thinking about it and reading about rape etc. just made it worse so I try to put it out of mymind.

THE RAPED

>>40662904
Wasn't raped but I relate tbdesu. Reading about real sa rape or csa is triggering, if you could call it that. It feels awful to think I may have been maybe groomed on top of touched inappropriately. I don't know when these feelings will go away if ever.

>>40662764 (OP)
You need trauma therapy

>>40662968
somehow even advocacy manages to make me feel worse. maybe just because i know how futile it really is.
i'm supposed to go to the police and let them poke and prod at me (almost seems like a second rape) then have them publicize this and then try to seek revenge on my behalf (i'm not a spiteful person) all while i get ostracized over it.
it's not to help me. it's to help them. and to help the "advocacy charities" who all need a job I guess.
and that's before we get into all the issues arising from me being a post op tranny. it wasn't in the uk but i think i read a uk court said we couldn't be raped because our vaginas don't count. the police would probably arrest me. the advocates drop us and badmouth us in the news.

I try not to think about it.

>>40662764 (OP)
I relate to this post a lot anon. I got raped when I was 6 years old and it kind of ruined me as a person. socially, emotionally, sexually. But sometimes I wish it happened when I was a teen or adult because if it has happened more recently, in my mind, I'd be more justified over feeling horrible about it. Because that's how it feels, like it just happened yesterday every single day of my life.So ultimately, there is always internal self doubt even in the people who have suffered the worse abuse. You are allowed to feel hurt & traumatized & violated and anything else over any sort of sexual contact you had, anyone telling you otherwise is a bullshitter

Thinking back to all the bullshit I was told by my friendgroup when I came out about it again is pissing me off. "But her parents are nice!" "She has severe adhd" "I didn't know it was sa" (she saw it happen) "you should move on" like holy shit. Huh. Thanks a lot I guess for giving me imposter syndrome and making me feel like I'm overreacting.

>>40662793
thank u bunposter... i love ur bunpics and i always save them ily
>>40662809
yea this is how i feel. rn my trauma feels so fake even though i know its so real
>>40662818
im glad you didnt struggle mentally anon...
>>40662862
>>40662888
ive been told by people that what i experience was indeed rape but i just cant see it that way
>>40662987
i cannot open up to therapists. once i had a gender therapist who seemed extremely accepting of me as a woman and i trusted her so much..... then i saw her texts with my mom on my moms phone and she kept misgendering me over and over. lost trust on all cis people then
>>40663048
im sorry you went hrough that, what you experienced is miles worse than what i went through. please dont talk like your experience wasnt serious
>>40663120
im sorry

>>40663318
i had a therapist do that too. her excuse is that she was my mom's therapist so she has to do what my mom wants. this was supposed to be so we could understand each other (uh i'm going to be a woman and she doesn't get a say)