Thread 40732815

Unspoken feelings. Unsent messages. Untold truths.
By all means... confess.

after all these years, i still miss him. i miss his goofy laugh, i miss his toothy grin, i miss how he'd show genuine interest in my hobbies and passions and take the time to teach me about his. there's an emptiness in my life now that he's gone that i can never fill. everything i do just feels wrong, pointless, like there's something missing.
imagine feeling hungry, but no amount of food would satiate you. that's how i would describe it. things i should enjoy and have fun with, i just don't. most days i just sit around and whittle away my time waiting to go back in to work at a job to pay for shit i don't really carea bout. i have no future.
i also miss the fact he took huge massive shits. the drive i stored most of his videos on died and i lost several GBs of videos of him pooping. that hurt more than anything

I'm now 35 and I think I'm fully ready to give up on my male gender and transition.
I know it won't magically make me pass but I honestly don't care about that at all. It's more on a spiritual level that I need it.

And then I started wondering, why do people do HRT? What's there to be expected, and what do people hope to obtain from it? Realistically, HRT doesn't turn you into a qt.
Gym, body care, epilation, fashion, clothes, make up, perfume... Those things do. Unless you start HRT before puberty, it won't alter your bone structure.

So what's a realistic change to expect from HRT at all? Which led me to think, it's mainly something to do for your own peace of mind, after repressing for my entire life, I feel like I just want this one change inside of me to feel a little less... wrong.

>>40732815 (OP)
from the ages of 4 to 10, i drank nothing but no-pulp orange juice. i did not drink water once. it stopped when i went to summer camp with a water bottle, and i have not drank orange juice ever since then.

>>40732815 (OP)
i miss her so much. i wish i could talk to her and explain things and why i did them. i wish i was more stable. i hate myself for hurting everyone around me.

>>40732815 (OP)
I used to be a sissy fetishist turbo-slut...

>>40732815 (OP)
to Sam:

you are not a woman, you are just a loser

>>40732815 (OP)
I want a boyfriend

I constantly fear that my bf will leave me as soon as he finds a woman he's interested in :(

i miss her so much, i wish i could talk to her and explain things and why i did them. i wish i was more stable. i hate myself for hurting everyone around me.

>>40732815 (OP)
I don’t want to date you anymore, but everyone else in the world is stupid and vapid except you and I want you to tell me what you think about the world more

>>40732815 (OP)
I ended things as amicably as possible with you, but it was a lie; I felt very resentful towards you. The way you treated me, and treat people in general, is extremely cruel and borderline sadistic. I genuinely wonder how you live with yourself sometimes. I'm doing better and I rarely think about you, but when I do, I have overwhelming feelings of anger and confusion. Mostly confusion, because your behavior is so outlandish, that entire period of my life almost feels like a fever dream at this point.

>>40732815 (OP)
I’m sorry.!If I knew what you were going through I would’ve been so much nicer.

>>40733372
what did they do?

>>40733372
>Mostly confusion, because your behavior is so outlandish
what sort of things would they do?

I need my ex to bite my tits again or I’m gonna blow my brains out

>>40733372
>Mostly confusion, because your behavior is so outlandish
What would they do? I can maybe help explain having been on the other side of it

I'm starting to believe that she's the last person I will ever love. There's been no one since her that ignited so much as a spark within me, and yet whenever she crosses my mind in a stray thought, or dances carelessly through my memories to spoil a good day, or whenever she sneaks into my dreams to check that she's not forgotten yet, I'm reminded of that undying torch still burning for her deep within, at the place where my heart trickles into my soul, an otherwise empty place.

God damn it...

I wish she would leave her love for me, I wish that our time together was better than with him, I wish that I had been there for her first, I wish that she wouldnt talk about him so much in front of me, I wish that she only showed me affection, I wish that she loved me

>>40733372
in the off chance this is you, i can explain anything you're confused about like i did in the past on discord (or here) and i wont ask to have you talk to me anymore afterwards. i know youre sick of hearing it but im sorry
>I genuinely wonder how you live with yourself sometimes
you know i have a lot of self hate, how i treat people when im having an episode is one of the biggest reasons why. lwb

>>40733372
in the off chance this is you, i can explain anything you're confused about like i did in the past on discord (or here) and i wont ask to have you talk to me anymore afterwards. i know youre sick of hearing it but im sorry
>I genuinely wonder how you live with yourself sometimes
you know i have a lot of self hate, how i treat people when im having an episode is one of the biggest reasons why. lwb.

>>40733372
in the off chance this is you, i can explain anything and everything you're confused about like i did in the past on discord (or here) and i wont ask to have you talk to me anymore afterwards. im sorry
>I genuinely wonder how you live with yourself sometimes
you know i have a lot of self hate, how i treat people when im having an episode is one of the biggest reasons why. lwb.

I want to leave my husband but I can't imagine getting into the dating game again as a now 37 year old tranny, who would then be divorced. For context I've been transitioning since I was 21. Met my husband at 32 after getting stood up on a date. I still love him, but only as a friend now. We disagree on a lot of stuff, and I think it's just over.

>>40735917
if you live in pnw i can at least take you on a date nona

>>40735941
I actually do. But I'm only looking for people around my age.

>>40735890
I highly doubt I'm the person you think I am. Whether I am or not, sorry if I aggravated old wounds; I just felt like venting.

>>40735917
What makes you feel like its over? As someone who has zero experience, you married him and not too long ago it seems so I'm curious if something happened to change your feelings, and I mean it in a genuine curious way

>>40732815 (OP)
i think im coming to the realization that i don't pass. after several people asking if my name is the unambiguously masculine spelling and a patter of degendering (i went out to lunch today and everyone but me got called sir or ma'am by the waiter for example) i think it's pretty clear i don't pass. im trying to come up with a cope to make this okay but im really struggling. ive been under the impression i was stealth for years, probably mostly out of cope because the alternative is too painful

>>40735961
i'll be 30 in october

>>40733031
You really right anon. I started hrt and i haven’t transitioned. It didn’t make me magically happy, but it stopped me from running and blocking out my life because the pain of growing older was too hard. Having that little control over my life by taking that pill twice a day and looking every now again in the mirror and seeing someone who is beautiful is enough to keep me going. It’s a piece of mind that’s kept me alive, congrats.

>>40735981
Well, when the election cycle was going on one thing we fought on is he couldn't vote for Kamala. Said he'd rather die than vote for a cop. I told him that it's her or Trump, and look where we are now. He didn't vote at all.

He's also like really into video games, Destiny specifically. Feels like he comes home from work, says hi, thanks me for dinner, and I don't get to see him till he's done playing Destiny which is usually bedtime. We've been married 3 years. Together for 5.

He also got not angry, but upset when I came home drunk around 3 AM after hanging out with my friends. It felt very controlling.

>>40735971
are you US?

>>40736024
Yes.

>>40736040
western US?

I’m happy you hate me now. I knew that was gonna be the end, you weren’t self aware enough to end it yourself or know the truth, i was using the fact you were stupid enough to see me as someone worthy of love. I needed it and i am forever grateful, deluding myself into being someone with an identity for it got be through it but it wasn’t right for you. It should’ve never happened but thank you, I’m sorry. I will never know if you really saw me as a woman but at the very least you’re got closer to it than anyone else.

>>40736021
I should also say I work part time, not full time. I don't consider myself a "trad wife " but he's definitely the bread winner between us.

>>40736049
Not to be a pedant, but I guess I technically am? Just post my old discord username (if you remember) and/or a general description of me. Sorry if I'm leading you on a wild goosechase.

>>40736084
how long ago was it? over a month? i dont want to post your discord username or a general description for obvious reasons
>Sorry if I'm leading you on a wild goosechase.
It's okay

>>40736122
Dunno. 2 maybe, 2 and a half years ago at this point. I don't use discord at all anymore so I don't really care if you post that account name but it's your prerogative.

i wish it were ethical to tell you this before i die. i wish it were ethical to die.
i love you so much. i love you probably more than you can even comprehend, and most certainly more than you know. i'm sorry i'm so bad at showing it. i'm sorry i've hurt you and i'm sorry things are so awkward now. i want to be here to see you grow up. i want to watch you get old and be happy, and i probably will because i'm too weak and i care too much to really pull the trigger, figuratively or not. i am so proud of you, and i wish i could say so; i think that you have grown up to be a kind, smart, creative young man and sometimes it makes me a little jealous, how talented you are. i wish i could have been like that. my heart is so full, thinking of you. i love your friends. i love that you have such wonderful people in your life. i love that you're so passionate about the things that matter to you. i love that you're a go-getter. i love that you believe in yourself. please keep believing in yourself. i hope that life will give you everything you could ever possibly want. boundless happiness. self-actualization. you will do beautiful things. i love you. i'm sorry it's so hard for me to say. i want to wish you goodbye and tell you that when my life is over it will be for the best. for me. god willing i may not have to do it myself. i worry that you might never get over it. i worry that you will be lonely. i worry that Nick will be lonely. i worry that it will tear our parents apart. i worry that it might break you. that's why i can't die, really. i love you too much. i love him too much. i try to tell myself that you will have each other but i know that there is nothing that could nullify the selfishness. i just want you to be okay. know that i am proud. know that i love you. i understand if you don't quite love me.

>>40736156
you were right. im sorry you went through that, please know the other person likely feels incredibly guilty and hates themselves as well.

>>40733031
>So what's a realistic change to expect from HRT at all?
Breast growth. The one and only reason I started HRT, and it didn't disappoint.

>>40733031
i got softer skin, breasts, a bit rounder face, more fat in my thighs and hips and butt, and less fat around my ribcage and shoulders. estrogen is mostly preventative and womens skulls are much more childlike than men's. estrogen is preventative, testosterone is additive

i jerk off a lot thinking about this guy i work with and i feel like a creep because he's really nice to me and has a girlfriend. i'm not an incel and i have relationships andi know hw wouldn't be into a trans woman but he's just really handsome`

>>40736246
That's not the worst thing ever I don't think, I assume my coworkers have done it to me before. I just try to not think about it

waddup sophia or jackie or rain or whatever you call yourself now
just wanted to let you know i thought about you the other day. thanks again for being a wakeup call to me, my life is honestly a lot better now. i've got a well paying job, friends who actually care about me, my health has never been better. we met when i was feeling pretty lonely and down about myself, but you opened my eyes and made me realize i deserve a lot better.

>>40736259
SteveMRE1989? Based

>>40736269
alright let's get this post out onto a thread
nice

>>40736257
i was raised catholic so i feel like a predator whenever i express sexual desire for another person. also idk it just feels weird. it's my first office job since graduating college so i don't know how to be around these people and i worry that it's obvious that i'm into him because i tend to ask him a lot of questions/talk to him a lot at happy hour. he's really nice and lets me sperg out about what i'm into and asks really good questions and for some reason i just think he has to know something. i feel like such a stupid faggot when i talk to him and i just want to kiss him so bad. i'm so dumb

>>40736296
He wouldn't be so kind to you and interact with you so much if he did know something. If he does, its probably because he finds it endearing that you have a crush on him, not viewing you negatively. I had an obvious crush on a guy at work who didn't like me one time and he made it obvious with body language that he was not into me/thought I was weird.

even after all the crap he put me through, if my ex bf messaged me asking for me back i dont think i could say no :(

>>40736317
he's one of those guys who's just really nice to everyone. he's known as being a really nice guy in our office. tbf part of his job is having great soft skills and he's really good at handling that stuff, it sometimes feels like he's performing kindness for my benefit. but i think i'm also paranoid in general about interactions in an office like that - there's no real honesty while you're in the office. i just can't help but develop a crush on him. i really hate myself for having one and i don't know how to get rid of it bc the more i try to suppress it the stronger it gets. i dream about him a lot

>>40736361
The more you fight it, the worse it will be. Acknowledge the thought when it comes up and let it go, like you said, the more you fight it, the stronger it becomes.

>>40736427
but part of me enjoys it. i like thinking about his lips and what it'd be like if he kissed me and what he smells like. but you're right, i need to let it go. i just need to figure out how to let that stuff pass through me without judgment. any tips?

>>40736438
Meditation helps a lot specifically with this sort of thoughts and letting go.

>>40736455
desu i think meditation is pretty bullshit but i appreciate you offering that in good faith

its been over a year now
i thought i was over her but its getting worse again and now it almost hurts like it did a couple months in
i miss her so fucking much
why

>>40736891
Been several years for me. You won't get over it, you'll just get more and more numb to it until a vague 'okayness' sets in.
Look forward to it.

>>40736891
eight years past here. just like anon said, you never fully get over it. still to this day miss her and wish i could just talk to her again, even if it's just one time.

>>40736968
i mean, that's what i mean by getting over it. i just dont get why ive been progressing backwards for the past month for seemingly no reason... feels like it wont get better at times.

Unrequited love is a bitch and a half. Might even be two bitches.

>>40736578
>meditation is pretty bullshit
It isn't, after I had a psychotic breakdown and got off everything my psychologist suggested meditating for long periods of time, I used to do it while high but I was under constant surveillance and couldn't take any sort of medication, it felt like I was going nowhere with it then it clicked, it all made sense, those moments of bliss I felt when high, the calm that therapy gave me was all in my head, those things were simply keys to a door that was now open, it's been almost a decade and although I didn't become an enlightened being instantly, it has helped me overcome my limitations and slowly became a better person.

>>40732815 (OP)
I miss you line.

>>40732815 (OP)
sorry for everything, I don't understand how it got to this.. I can't put it into words how much I miss you

I do occasionally wonder what if it had been you instead of her. I do think of the possibility of running to you from time to time. I would probably be happy. But I am happy now, and you deserve someone who chose you first, don't you? I just want you to know I do think of it and life would be very good with us together. I think It would be just great. Maybe in another life, eh? You can do better than me anyway.

>>40738142
sorry

I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt by being selfish. I can't love people, but I crave the intimacy of relationships. Lied to people, told them I loved them so we could hug. Had sex for the possibility of being held afterwards. Got told things that people have never told anyone else. I grow to despise every person that loves me because they show it.
For the first time ever, I want to be in a relationship with someone. She's this pretty girl. She's really smart and funny and she likes dnd and pokemon and she makes it feel like life is worth living just to be around her. I've lied to my exes in the past, telling them I was figuring myself out and I was wrong. I wasn't, I just wanted to try things most of the time. (Does kissing actually suck or was it just my first partner/ does sex actually suck or just wanting to sleep next to someone.) I've hurt everyone who ever loved me. And she's perfect. I'm afraid of hurting her too.

>>40738142
>You can do better than me anyway.
Mine used to say things like that... what she never understood was that to me, there was no one better. She was everything I ever wanted. Maybe if I had told her that, things would have ended differently, but I never wanted to come on too strong.

>>40738242
real..

>>40738142
listen. I know it isn't me, but you should give her a chance

>>40738242
I don't think its like that for her though nona. It was more of a kind of spark that didn't get a chance to be more due to circumstances. I don't think she sees me as more than someone it could have been nice with. I wonder if she even thinks about it.

I can't be around my brother. The relationship is broken, it's severed. He's like a stranger - someone who I cannot understand and he can't understand me. I don't know how I feel about leaving and transitioning. I'm gonna alienate myself from my family, but I think I can do it. I'm worried about the fallout and what people are going to say

- diary

I deeply hate my father, to such a degree that I don't even tell my therapist the extent of it. I feel a lot of guilt because he didn't beat me or rape me and he's been financially supportive, but he was always neglectful of me and angry my entire childhood, and it fucked me up for life. I'm horribly maladapted and it feels like I created my entire personality to be something that just was the opposite of his because I dread becoming like him, because I am so angry like him.

I have to grit my teeth and bear it because I'm still dependent on my parents financially but once I move out and my college fund has run dry, I'm going to do my best to never talk to him again. I frequently fantasize about writing his obituary. I'm a decent writer, and so it would be well-worded. It would be a scathing critique of him and everything he did and didn't do that made me into the fucked up person I am today.

Being lgbt is literally a mental illness and I'm tired of pretending its not. I cant find any normal partner and I have switched through all 4 letters. It's all damaged neurotic narcissistic bpd egomaniacal pieces of shit. The best they could hope for is the corporate propaganda which paints them in an unrealistic favorable light.

>>40736891
These posts always make me so sad :( what was she like and why can’t you be with her?

>>40738285
Aww what were the circumstances

So, after many years of being together as friends and random burts of affection she told me she wants us to be a "couple", unsure what caused this, I'm going to let a few weeks pass before I give her a definitive answer but it was so weird that she's been showing more acceptance towards me but more weird that she pointed out we could be the "first couple in town" that is like us, honestly I prefer not being tied to anyone, but the offer is alluring.

>>40732815 (OP)
i am done with people in general.
i try to just avoid everyone i knew before, but they fucking keep poking their nose into my life.

>>40739131
why not just block them lol

>>40732815 (OP)
i miss my first girl best friend so much. it breaks my heart that we drifted apart cause im a fucking man and did stupid things to try and conform to what the men around me told me i was supposed to do. i dont even like women but felt pressured to ask you out cause that's what everyone told me to do and i was terrified people would find out i liked guys if i didnt. you were my first real friend someone i would call family. you were more of a sister to me than my actual sister was. I miss sleeping over with you i miss hearing you laugh I wish we couldve been born somewhere different where i was able to transition younger so our friendship wouldn't be completely collapsed. Ethel Cain's new song Janie makes me burst into tears every time I listen to it because all I can think about is you and how much you helped me and what it felt like to lose you in my life. You are genuinely the reason I didn't kill myself and I don't think you will ever know how much you saved me as a person. I would give anything to go back in time and fix what I did wrong to not lose you. I'm so sorry and nothing will ever fix how I betrayed your trust. I miss all those stupid nights we spent together going back and forth between our mom's houses before we would have to go back to our dad's because of split custody and we wouldnt get to see each other outside of school for that week. I miss you so much Maddie and im so so so so sorry. I still love you like a sister and am happy you are happy, but I wish I could fix what I did wrong even though I cant. In tears writing this you genuinely changed my life to the core I was so broken and alone before I met you you were more like family to me than anyone i have ever known. all those stupid fucking nights we spent together sharing each others clothes doing everything with each other. I miss you so much im so so so fucking sorry i cant stop crying i dont think you get the full extent of how sorry and horrible i feel even tho you forgave me

>>40739131
im sorry, i shouldnt have been nosy and should have given you space. i hate how things ended and wish i could explain why what happened and why i did what i did. i miss you

>>40739587
i miss you so much i dont think you even know i transitioned anymore i would give anything to talk again we dont even have to hang out i just want to tell you about the guy I like and hear your voice i miss you so much it's been years and years and years and i still think about how you saved my life im so fucking sorry

i hate my ex girlfriend. that's a lie. i want more than anything in the world to hate her, but i just can't. she put me through more bullshit and pain and heartache than anyone alive, but i can't find it in me to even blame her for it because i know she's just severely mentally ill. i know she's sick. i know she's not capable of sustaining a relationship. i know she's not going to call me. i fucking wish that she would. i still can't picture myself having a future with anybody but her. i try to talk to other women, but i can never actually care about them. i know i'm just using them and i know i'm the villain. i just want something to distract me enough that i can convince myself i don't want her anymore. god i hate you. you fucking demon. i miss you so much.

>>40739775
Please reach out to her nona. Sometimes people can be uncertain as to whether the other person would still be open to talking

>>40739806
i have reached out to her a million times. i've called, i've texted, fuck's sake i even emailed her. if she feels like she can speak to me again, she will. i can't keep embarrassing myself messaging her over and over with no response. it hurts too much.

>>40732815 (OP)
>she grabbed my ankles and slid me around the bed so I was in a better position for her to ride me
I'd never been manipulated like that before and can't stop thinking about it, but if I tell her I want to be topped then it's over.

>>40739843
I hadn't known you did that, I apologize anon. I hope your heart finds peace soon

>>40732815 (OP)
i dont know how to be loved. i don't know how to show affection and care and be cared for. the last time anyone seriously got close to me IRL i freaked the fuck out and went nuts constantly fever dreaming about the potential for intimacy to the point i schizophrenically deluded myself into thinking my fever dreams were reality

i don't think i can handle love or intimacy or even being vulnerable with people if i can't even trust my own thoughts and experiences, every day i second guess myself at every corner and put myself down over other's opinions and beliefss