>>40757499 (OP)
I understand the vibes. Somewhere in me I know that the girl who liked to wear dresses, wear makeup, and other stupid BS and be femme is still there, but Ive been through so fucking much as a direct result of being trans that I cant help but see those very things as just so... pedantic? Pointless? I still feel so deeply trans, I feel the desire to be a woman I feel the desire to exist in such a way that is not fundementally at odds with my mind body map, but I also just cannot bring myself to care about makeup presentation or other shit because every single time I did it was completely and utterly ruthlessly crushed. Over and over again.
I know that this is the exact result that conventional conversion therapy aims to have. Associate trans feelings with pain, associate femininity with pain, make it where you are in so much agony that you cannot help but view yourself in the light of being a problem to be solved, but on the other hand? How the fuck does someone even go about fixing that? Do I want to "fix" it? I would be once again opening myself up to attack from an avenue that is so vulnerable to me, and yet despite the ceasing of the vast majority of trans related activities the harassment continues which perpetually proves myself correct for squashing myself in favor of my own continued existence.
I want to be free but I cannot be for the systems that be have deemed me to forever more be a man and I am in no place to say otherwise as I must bow at the alter of capital.
