Thread 40789293

What does dysphoria feel to you guys? I always feel a knot in my throat and an impending sense of doom

>>40789293 (OP)
I prayed for death.

I legitimately feel like I was castrated at birth and have an open wound between my legs. It’s the only thing I have dysphoria over but it’s so severe that I can’t look at it or touch it and I’m fearful of vaginas in general.

>>40789293 (OP)
i dont even feel like a person most of the time

>>40789293 (OP)
like a crown of lead on my forehead, dragging me down

>>40789293 (OP)
i feel like i lived for a really long time but not at all

Like a hole in my chest

ftm

felt like watching myself deform. just getting progressively more covered in meat, tumors, thick marshmallow that collected in weird places. fatty flesh suit. constantly finding myself fantasizing about shearing it off somehow, or pulling it off. leaking random fluids, chunks of organ.

plus a hollow frustrated kind of feeling when i saw cis male classmates going through normal growth stages. spending a lot of time thinking about shit like leg hair or visible upper ribcage. not really knowing why.

>>40789293 (OP)
I feel empty and disconnected from reality. When I look in the mirror and hate what I see, I stare at the mirror without moving or thinking, even though my eyes are focused on my reflection, I don't even see myself because I'm not aware of it. I stay like that for a few seconds, and when I regain consciousness, I walk away from the mirror feeling terrible and wanting to kill myself, always wondering how it's possible that my body is like this. I asked my parents to start hrt when I was 12-13, but I had to wait until I was 18, and now I feel like I'm in someone else's body, trying to save it with hormones, training, drugs, and maybe one day surgery. But it's impossible, I'm stuck at 14 even though I'm already 19. It's as if, from one second to the next, I ended up in this body without knowing how or when

>>40789293 (OP)
Genuinely vomit inducing, feel like I'm sick during the worst episode

>>40789484
i wobble a bit and see my pupils move in that disconnected stage.

>>40789293 (OP)
I look down at my body and feel disgusted, I hate it. It's wrong. It shouldn't look like that, shouldn't feel like that, shouldn't be that. Sometimes I look down at it for too long and somewhere inside me I can feel I want to cry.
When I was younger I felt abysmally terrible all the time, feeling a vacuum in my chest, feeling like a crushing cosmic weight was dragging me down, etc. Years of that ground me into dust, now I just feel numb or nothing at all most of the time. I don't feel like a person, just a hollowed out husk that keeps on living.
I have no one to blame for all of this but myself.

When my body started changing and the gyno had worsened, when it was visible under any kind of clothing I used to randomly burst into tears, couldn't sleep at night, I always cried and prayed to anything that if I couldn't be a normal boy at least I'd develop into a woman, I was exhausted by all the bullying, I felt disgusted by my own body.
I lost weight but the feeling never left, I was so confused at myself.

>>40789293 (OP)
Hopelessness, a sense of giving up because puberty ran its course and it's too late to reverse. A sense of repulsion at my body, it isn't how I think of myself. A sense of longing for something I'll never have.

>>40789727
It's not really physical pain or anything, but I feel disconnected from my body. When I look at myself in a reflection I'm reminded that I'm deformed and I look unnatural to myself and it makes me feel bad. My curves look alien to me and it's... surprising? When I remember I'm trapped in a female body and that my imagination and daydreaming won't make it go away. It sucks.

>>40789293 (OP)
a huge hole in my stomach where my womb is supposed to be, waking up everyday in the morning wondering where my breasts are, feeling an ache and jealousy when i see women with the body i want, hanging out with friends and just being themselves. just some at the top of my head

>>40789338
Same

>>40789293 (OP)
I want to rip my skin, particularly genitals, out. Its like a bunch of roaches crawling in my skin. I am a pile of roaches. I want to rip them out. I am repulsed by my own flesh. I want to rip it out.

I AM AN EVIL RAPEBEAST DESIGNED BY THE CIA ALIEN SATAN MACHINE I AM DISGUSTING AND DEMONIC THEREFORE I MUST KILL MYSELF

>>40789293 (OP)

sometimes i imagine i'm a girl carrying a giant rapist on my back. the more puberty went on, the more he grew, the heavier he got. he crushes me and i have to carry him. i wish i could be cut free and feel lightness in my own body.

>>40789293 (OP)
despair, sinking feeling

how do you know it's not something else

>>40790740
we know it's dysphoria because we know we all feel the same thing and dysphoria is what we call that.

how do you know you're happy? what if you feel something different to everyone else and you're just wrong

>>40790749
just sounds like depression could have a million causes

>>40790874
Interesting hypothesis. Here's my mine: Cissoids are beings of lesser consciousness who lack theory of mind

>>40790874
in what way does "i feel like i have a hole where my womb should be" sound like depression

>>40791153
sounds made up

Threads like these remind me that I can't even call myself a repper. Probably just a neurotic weirdo

>>40789293 (OP)
> I always feel a knot in my throat and an impending sense of doom
it used to feel like that. Nowadays i full feel this sense of longing and dread when i think about how i prolly wont be able to afford srs for years. Then i always have to tell myself copium

>>40791176
>sounds made up

nta

of course it sounds made up to you, doofus. you're not trans.

>>40789293 (OP)
i feel disgust and heartache when i look at myself. when im focused on individual features i usually feel them more, like feeling the insides of my chest push up against my rib cage, almost making it feel like it's getting even wider. it makes me want to die, and makes me feel like i will always be a man and there's no escape. i often fall into panic. when it's more metaphysical i usually just kinda lay there feeling like a stake has been shoved through my heart and feeling like it's all too cruel to be true. thankfully after transitioning this isn't literally every day, but it's still awful sometimes. like today

>>40789293 (OP)
afabs will never experience this btw

>>40789407
thats just normal female puberty tbdesu. every cis woman goes through that at some point of their life, the only difference is that theyre somehow able to magically overcome it in adulthood and start enjoying being adult women. i just keep wondering when thatll happen to me

>>40793633
i could be

>>40789293 (OP)
interesting thread desu. Thanks for making it nona.