Thread 40968002

I'm genuinely so insanely afraid of transitioning. Not because of anything that comes with it, but because of the smallest possibility that I might one day just completely change my mind, and realize that I actually prefer being a man. Or even worse, that I'll realize I'm just fine with being a man compared to being a tranny.
This genuinely cripples me with horrid dread.
I wish I had an innate sense of gender and wasn't completely depersonalized, so that worrying about this would be pointless

>>40968002 (OP)
Do you see yourself as being truly happy elsewise?

>>40968002 (OP)
it's easy to find out if you should transition or not

do you like being a man? are you fine being a man? if answer is no, then you're gonna be one of those angry depressed reppers forever
>I wish I had an innate sense of gender and wasn't completely depersonalized, so that worrying about this would be pointless
honestly there's no such thing as that, nobody really knows if they are a "man" or a "woman" besides genitalia, it's all artificially socialized into you

>>40968069
I cannot see myself ever being truly happy. All I want is to mitigate the unyielding self hate I feel for existing.
Maybe trooning will make me resent my physical body less, but the smallest chance that it might not is making me want to flay myself. I'm so detached from myself I can't tell whether my "dysphoria" is actually real or something I've gaslight myself into

>>40968002 (OP)
If you do not dread continuing living as a man and aging as one, do not do it.

Besides, everything is reversible except for tits.

>>40968128
Based detransitioner only did HRT for free handwarmers

>>40968106
>do you like being a man? are you fine being a man? if answer is no, then you're gonna be one of those angry depressed reppers forever
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I do not feel human
Part of me wants to scream "NO" to these questions, but another one is just wondering "maybe you're just depressed. maybe you haven't tried hard enough. why would trooning change anything about yourself? you will hate yourself just as much plus the added hardships of being a tranny."

same problem, im chemically castrating myself anyway. for me its that i dont know who i am, but if i dont troon and "rep" then all ill do is think about what if what if what if what if all day every day. and now that i am trooning i have that what if what if what if thought in the opposite direction, what if its a mistake, what if there was a way to make it work without trooning. but honestly, i just think all the decisions are a mistake, to be a tranny is to admit you arent exactly what you want to be, and thats a scary thing. so what if i detransition in 5 years, ill spend 5k on a masectomy and then what? did i really miss out on being a man when i would have been a neurotic suicidal fuck the whole time because of this mind virus

>>40968147
yeah being a tranny sucks, trying to transition doesnt change enough about yourself, its socially complicated and difficult and fucking annoying and disappointing.

and yet what else are we gonna do, hate our bodies and ourselves and isolate ourselves and turn irreversibly into men that are incapable of being men. its fucking horrible.

the worst part is the shame, wanting to be feminine since i was a kid and watching my body take all of that away from me, and now i see myself more as what i physically am than what i used to feel inside.

>>40968128
>If you do not dread continuing living as a man and aging as one
I think I do. I feel like I could live as a man. I'm already as grumpy and dissatisfied with life just like an old morose grandpa.
But the thought of having to live my life as a man is genuine ropefuel. I don't feel like it's because of direct gender dysphoria, but much more because living as a man feels sisyphean. I see no light at the end of the tunnel

>>40968147
you dont feel human because you don't socialize enough, you need to force yourself into social situations and stop thinking about who you are so much. it doesn't matter as much as you think.

>hy would trooning change anything about yourself? you will hate yourself just as much plus the added hardships of being a tranny.
if you don't like being a hairy man, i guarantee you'd feel 1000x better just shaving and presenting feminine in some way. completely repping isn't worth it

and being a tranny isn't so bad anymore, social media and news don't actually represnt what people genuinely think of them, most people don't care. trannies have never been more accepted than they are today

>>40968172
My younger self is a stranger to me. I remember how poised I was at being a man, yet there was always this underlying wrongness. I've lived in constant dissonance.
Nothing adds up, I wasn't distressed by puberty as far as I can remember, I didn't want to be of the other sex as far as I can remember, I liked being a guy as far as I can remember. I remember nothing. That person wasn't me.
How did I even end up here? Why am I feeling like this now, despite never having felt like this in the past? it feels like constant gestaltzerfall of the self I never had.

>>40968177
>you dont feel human because you don't socialize enough
I have irl friend with whom I socialize. It only ever makes me feel less human. Always a skinwalker.

>>40968002 (OP)
It's normal to be afraid of change anon but when I started imaging my future as a woman/tranny the mental images stopped being fuzzy and black and started being clear and bright. Literally, I can see the woman I want to be and even when I see the hard or scary moments she's always smiling, so I have to try

>>40968243
maybe you need friends with your same interests and that you can open up to? try discord if you have trouble with that irl

>>40968249
Sometimes I have brief moments where I feel like this, but it takes just a single quick distraction from it to remind me of reality. I can never be her, because she's a delusion. I wish I could be her, but I will never be able to change my immutable core.

>>40968002 (OP)
Don't ever cut your penis off, that is my piece of advice.

>>40968275
I have nothing to open up about. There are things that "interest" me, and things I "like", but it all feels so arbitrary. Everything is fleeting and nothing bear any weight. There is nothing about my "self" which I can identify with in any meaningful way. Trying to feign any interest in existence to other people is tiring

>>40968322
Couldn't care less about it. Probably won't just because I'll never be able to save enough for surgery

>>40968344
I didn't mean to be rude, I don't know how to say it any more effectively or helpfully, a lot of trans are happy with their penises.
I just said it because I feel like the surgery is extremely aggressive, it is one of the few things in life that makes me as uncomfortable as cannibalism, I can't support it due to that.
You can delve into what you want to be without being so drastic, as others pointed, society wouldn't accept you any more due to that, and you could have more fun with your penis, or ignore it, I've heard that hormones makes them smaller, more feminine, I hope it stops bothering you somehow in the very least, I believe that most guys would prefer a trans with one, but I know, it is you and your body, we are two strangers in a strange forum and I said my strange piece of thought again, sincerely, I wish you the best, love yourself, bye.

>>40968002 (OP)
Same
I will never be anything
I don’t exist
It’s ok though
I learned to be male now
I’ll live as such for the little time I have left
When you accept the end it all
Becomes so easy
There was never an inner femininity nothing at all
Just me and delusions
Hrt wasn’t a mistake for meZ it taught me that I’m a pos and deserve death
And I’ll get what I deserve

>>40968395
And when I say want to be I also say who you are, don't misinterpret it. Sometimes it also have something to do with where we are and where we wanted to be, so, yes, just... I don't know.

>>40968120
>>40968147
Please get on HRT asap OP. It hurts to read posts like these which basically read like closeted trans girl manifestos

>>40968399
These are my exact thought each and every day, and they fill me with a visceral desire to mutilate myself into a pile of flesh. Just pure gore.
I want someone to tear out my tendons and puppet me around with them, just like the facsimile of a human that I am

>>40968454
I did my fourth shot today. Don't worry about that.
This won't stop me from dooming, and getting reminded of all the ways in which I am actually just a mentally ill man who's ruining his own life.
Doesn't help that hrt didn't have any mental health effects at all (I've been on it once already for 3 months), except of the intense anxiety that came from the small chance I might one day regret this.

>>40968399
>>40968459
Please, love yourselves. And don't kill yourselves. References matter, seek the best, they are in ancient times. Most of our lives are fantasies anyways, I'm not sure if saying this helps or not, but this is my view on the topic as well, just find the one that you are the happier with, allow yourself to be yourself and love yourself, so, don't do anything stupid with your body, please.

>>40968395
The fact that there is a part of me that kind of enjoys having a dick is both a relief and something that makes me feel grotesque to my very core. Especially remembering all the ways in which I used to be a coomer before the tranny thoughts one day popped up in my head. The tranny thoughts at least completely killed my libido. Couldn't care less about what society thinks though.

>makes me as uncomfortable as cannibalism
I unironically don't see anything wrong with cannibalism and I would volunteer to try human flesh. I'm completely against basically all forms of acquiring meat of any kind though

>>40968399
>There was never an inner femininity nothing at all
Just me and delusions

exactly, since i was 14 years old the delusion grabbed me, even then it was fake, i never looked feminine. i just wanted it to be the case so i deluded myself and it took over my personality. i cant act feminine without feeling like a creepy man, ive always felt that way and it only got worse with age. so brutal.

its crazy how you can just live your whole life as a stranger to yourself and then die and it just didnt matter. its not entirely our fault, people especially in the western world are encouraged to delude themselves and have hopeful fantasies about what life can be, thats individualism. but the reality is theres billions of people in poverty in the world and nobody cares and there is no solution for them. they will die as they were born, thats the sad truth about being a tranny. if you arent rich enough or genetically gifted. its over. no amount of wishful thinking will change it. some people are born in the USA and some people are born in a slum in delhi. Thats just how it is.

>>40968530
I've never self harmed, nor plan on to, so don't worry about that. Doesn't make the desire go away, just acknowledging it's inane nature.
>just find the one that you are the happier with, allow yourself to be yourself and love yourself
I wish it were that simple. I don't feel like a have a self to begin with, so simply thinking of what I might "desire" feels absurd.

>>40968584
It is a part of you, once again, I'm not sure if I'm going to be useful, but here I go, I'm a straight guy, but sometimes I lurk in this board. I'm a very passionate man, extremelly romantic and idealistic, but I have been facing some major difficulties in life due to some unbelievable things, and I tried to cope with my romantic dreams possibly having been ruined by beginning to hate what I love, I psychologically operated myself the day before today in a manner that I'm shocked that it is still working, I started to argue with myself that women doesn't exist, that I will never be with a women because they don't exist, that only men exists and that I have never known a women, all the women in my life were actually abusing their rights to exist, and that if there is any women worth while, the universe would ruin everything, that only men are actually developed and have real souls, and that only a trans woman could ever made me content. Suddenly, I started to feel more compassionate towards all men, without being homossexual, and less affected by women's charms. Yes, this is pretty weird, but maybe knowing more about me can help somehow, I don't know. (1/2)

>>40968768
So, I have a lot of kinks and ever since I started to I think of being with a trans woman, I suddenly became extremelly vanilla, and althought I know from experience that I would be having to make some strenght as if I was going against nature, it would eventually fade and I would be able to be happy. So, now I secretly still want very lowkey due to my insecurities an afab woman, but it doesn't affect me as much anymore because of how strong I managed to tell this narrative to myself. I once also thought about dressing up, in one of my kinks, but it was due to how much I like woman. Anyways, I'm kind of being very oppressed right now due to the unbelievable reasons, very oppressed and I'm having to nullify myself and my thoughts, but I still know deep down what I always wanted, although it may be ruined, so maybe look for that, and love yourself. I really like the Iliad by the way, maybe you should read it, I draw a lot of inspiration from there and others ancient sources. And cannibalism makes me extremely ill, I can handle anything else other than that, I eat meat, but I wouldn't if there were other viable options. I'm sorry if my story was offensive, I'm really going through some extraordinarily hard times as well. (2/2)

>>40968641
Sometimes I wish that I could erase everyone's memory that have ever known me and just disappear on a spaceship. Maybe create a companion from scratch with it's hyper advanced tech and see where it all leads. I feel the absurd too.

>>40968002 (OP)
Ignore all the tranny stuff and focus on stuff that's important to you, like hobbies or hanging out with friends. All this tranny stuff will probably fade away like a terrible phase. Most tranny detransition. Listen to your fear here. It will save you from fucking up your life.

>>40968797
I just want to sleep eternally

>>40968825
>Most tranny detransition
All sources disagree. Your opinion is shit and I'm disappointed

>>40968837
I'm afraid to suggest things like that, because I don't want to cause anyone's death or harm, but maybe you could try magic mushrooms if you already didn't, it is... magical. We will all die, life is very short, and then we will find out, so might as well try to seek love, it comes in many ways and I think that it might be infinite.

>>40968293
I simply disagree with your perspective. The woman I want to be exists in my core. When I align myself with her I become a more comfortable and more confident person and I seek to live in that alignment for the rest of my life. The only plague on my mind is now knowing the person I can be and that I am not her now

>>40968861
I'm currently, in this very moment, doing them for the first ever time. Waiting for them to fully kick in. Made this thread to keep me entertained and also in hopes I'll be able to think about all this tranny stuff differently while on shrooms.

>>40968884
Lol.

>>40968875
I wish I were more like you in this regard. That woman is intrinsic to you, or more accurately, you are her and she is you.
For me though, there is no core to begin with. No identity. Everything I do is completely aimless, a pure shot in the dark.
If anything, there's more proof that I am just a regular cis man, and I genuinely despise the fact. At this point, I hope this spite is enough for ego death, so that my new self not a man in any way shape or form

>>40968941
You feel empty and aimless because you're forcing yourself to be something you're not and don't want to be. You can just become a woman anon. We all had those hoops we jump through but like just try on a skirt or something ffs

>>40968963
I've not tried any explicitly feminine clothes up until now because of two reason.
The first one is the fear that I will feel nothing, which is extremely likely, or even truly hate it.
The second reason is the fact that it'll just emphasize how much of I truly look like a man. I'm basically a slightly smaller jerma985

>you're forcing yourself to be something you're not and don't want to be
It's impossible for me to discern whether that's ever been the case. Maybe I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill. I feel like being a man is not painful enough for me to be able to call it gender dysphoria and I'm afraid it might not be.

>>40968002 (OP)
I don't wanna sway you either way here's my experience
>Insanely hot guy, depressed and dissociated as fuck for years
>decide to Troon out the moment I found out it was a thing
>Don't pass in the slightest but just look like a more feminine hot guy with breasts but looks kinda normal on my body
>Sexuality kinda changes a bit, probably cause I'm less depressed and repressed and dissociated from my body
>Manage to kinda sort out more of my mental health and figure out more or less the source of the tranny thoughts
>At this point I have the most wonderful trans gf, and a brand new life where I'm more successful than I've ever been in my career. The relationship is monogamous and the happiest I've ever had. I'm kind of the man of the relationship, but not in a way that makes me feel bad, I honestly love the dynamic we have
>A lot happier in my body even though I don't pass and I'm not sure what the future plan is. Kinda want ffs but I don't mind having a really handsome androgynous face
Honestly it has been a beautiful experience for me. There's been difficult moments and I did give up a lot of my masculinity. But I was kind of uncomfortable in my masculinity, and weirdly enough being on hrt for as long as I have been had made me more comfortable with the masculine parts of myself and it's made me appreciate masculinity. Gender in general was just this vague alien concept to me for the longest time and then one day I considered it and then I spent a couple of years really in turmoil about it and now I've just kinda moved past it and exist as this slightly altered, much happier version of myself but I think 99% of that was just like fixing everything else that was going on in my life aswell. It coincided with some just general progress and general shedding of some really painful connections and parts of myself and coping strategies.
This won't be everyone's experience.

>>40968884
I was barely tripping from the shrooms I've taken, but I've never cried so hard in my life, and to think it's all just because I'm not a woman

>>40969038
i unfortunately love wearing womens clothing and i cant fucking do it because my face is so manly, i wish i never found out how much i enjoy it

>>40968002 (OP)
Ay, don't worry bout that all that much. I had thought like that towards before the start and now I think "well i should at least give this a shot before i kill myself," because, even before i figured shit out, i wanted to kms all the time and went full robot. I was thinking maybe i should clock my ticket the end of last year before i started therapy and after a few sessions i ended up bringing up a bunch of memories that were textbook super repressed mtf and then i cried about it a bit, but hey. I am both the most excited and the most terrified I've ever been in my life, which is worth playing out. If it weren't, id just probably neglect myself to death and let my cat eat my corpse

>>40968147
Holy shit this is actually me wtf. I literally gaslit myself into thinking i had literally lost the ability to feel joy or human connection entirely. I went to the therapist thinking i had "schizoaffective disorder" or some other bullshit.

Nope. Turns out, there's a lot of flags i missed growing up. It was pretty wild when i went to College and 2 or 3 years later i see some friends i never really reconnected with trans women now. I look back online and seems like the clique that never had a name at my school was the tranny clique. Wild to think about it after the fact.

You'll regret the risk of not trying it out. The opportunity cost is greater as time goes on.

>>40968275
The online equivalent of arriving at the second location

Holy shit, I don't regret taking those shrooms at all. I don't see how I managed to live as a man up until now. It's all been so much pain

>>40969676
It all could've been so much worse.
Don't get me wrong, it's been over before all of this even began.
I'm just so glad I was able to realize what was wrong with me to begin with

>>40969594
>I literally gaslit myself into thinking i had literally lost the ability to feel joy or human connection entirely
I didn't even need to gaslight myself into thinking this. Sometime right around puberty I simply lost the ability to feel any joy or genuine human connection and just accepted it as my fate

>>40969547
>memories that were textbook super repressed mtf
I have some, but they border on confabulation, so I don't know whether to trust them. The thing that still baffles me is that I can't remember ever consciously forming the simple thought of "I wish I were a woman"

>>40970460
>The thing that still baffles me is that I can't remember ever consciously forming the simple thought of "I wish I were a woman"
same boat. i do remember lying in bed at night for hours imagining what it would be like to have a vagina and touching the space between my legs without even needing to consider that i could be doing it for anything other than idle curiosity. similarly i started putting things in my butt before masturbating with my dick, and only thought it might be taken as sexual when i thought about what might happen if i were caught and had to explain what i was doing. the best explanation i could imagine at the time was that it just felt good in a nonsexual way like scratching and itch or sneezing.
like i said in my post eight hours ago, it was only when i actively started working towards suicide i realized i was much more unhappy than i was admitting and i started trying to introspect. and even then it was me reading the wikipedia description for gender dysphoria that made me finally make the connection.
when it hurts to do something, you learn not to do it. thinking about, admitting to yourself that you care about your gender hurts because you're dysphoric. so you've spent years not thinking about it and not admitting that you care about it. it's an easy habit for you.

>>40968633
I hid it away since prepuberty
It became twisted
No
This too is a lie
It’s all porn
Mef agp sissy call it what you want
I call it porn
I’m a man
Always was there is nothing to hide. There is nobody but me. I did this to myself because of porn. Crying won’t change that. Hating myself won’t change that.
Why did I wish it to be real? Because I wanted the porn to be real. Becayse I didn’t want to believe I’m so shallow. But I am!
I’m porn. Nothing more.
When I turned 24 I seemed hrt, since I learned about it. Years later now I hate myself for lying to myself.
I was never a woman. I never had dysphoria. I was never feminine in any way. I never ever wished my life wasn’t male until porn.
I am male

>>40968002 (OP)
i regret my transition cause i don’t pass and i am realizing that an ugly tranny literally has no value in society whatsoever

>>40968002 (OP)
honestly thats what Im going through right now and im currently destransitioning after 4-5 years on HRT, realised im just a man in the end but now i think i am a masculine man trapped in a fem body. People still call me miss all the time, it sucks a little because it just reminds me of all the work I have put in just to give it up now.

I want to cut my long hair next, and maybe hit the gym, im not sure if my mind could take seeing something different in the mirror though, thats why I have been delaying other parts of detransitioning.

>>40969676
Just woke up, and I'm back to being apathetic and doubting everything

>>40971585
So much for ego death eh

>>40971591
At this point I don't know anymore. It still rings true that I'd rather be a woman over a man, but I feel like my dysphoria is just too weak. I feel like I should be in so much more distress, and yet I just am numb. Transitioning feels pointless, because I already look like a man, but at the same time, I'm really afraid of what will happen if I were to not transition

>>40971531
me too im prob gonna dome myself in a few days
i know im supposed to be a woman but its sadly unattainable for me

bump

>>40968106
being a man might feel wrong but there is no guarantee that being a women will make things any better, its most likely just gonna make things a lot worse instead.

>>40968002 (OP)
Why don't you just get over it? I'll never understand the point.

>>40972729
I would if I could. That's kinda the core of the issue

>>40968002 (OP)
no one can be happy being a man. the only ones who should hesitate in such a way would be ftm repressors, because abandoning womanhood is a much bigger deal as its considered too valuable to "throw it away". but on the other hand, manhood is worthless if you dont live up to standards. its always better to become a girl and i doubt youd ever change your mind. i really hope you get to be happy someday anon :>

>>40971559
i dont think i am a masculine man, far from it. but sometimes i have these horrible nagging dreams about women and in the dream im basically in a male role and i wake up feeling sick. like some part of me wants to be that, wants to be attractive to women in that way and have sex that way but it isnt really possible because of this weird discomfort ive developed.