Thread 40978998

I'm in genuine despair over the fact that I'm likely not trans. My dysphoria is likely fake. I lack childhood signs. Imagining myself as a woman doesn't make me as happy as I'd like it to.
This probably is a maladaptive cope I adopted, because living as a man is genuine ropefuel, and I thought I could escape my immutable self

>>40978998 (OP)
You're clever enough to understand that wearing a dress, chopping your balls off and calling yourself Lilith or Alice won't make you a woman.
Godspeed

>>40979026
It's not the realization that iwnbaw which causes me despair, but the realization that I always was and will be a man.
I genuinely don't know how to cope with this and the fact that I never should transition

>>40979202
iwnbaw = i will always be a man

same shit brah. big pharma might have something for you in a couple years, dont rope or destroy yourself with hormones

>>40979238
>dont rope
I'm not actively suicidal because I'm a man, so that's another proof I'm not actually trans.
I do wish I wouldn't ever wake up again every night though, but that's unrelated and how it's always been

>>40979202
yeah thats a good way to put it

its like i know theres nothing in me outside of a fetish that really wants to be a woman, i just dont want to be myself, id do anything to not be me. and transitioning changes your appearance dramatically, so i hope that it will make me look less alien to myself, but then all i see is the same thing and i know that i was stupid to think i could escape it

>>40978998 (OP)
there's no such thing as fake dysphoria. it's real if you feel it. the trans people who talk about fake dysphoria and accuse other trans people of being "faketrans" are just insecure pickmes. this is me being deadass, the word of the lordt. harken or dissipate

>>40979349
heres what real dysphoria is:
>feels bad because what you see isnt a woman
>hates their body because it doenst have feminine traits

what fake dysphoria is like:
>feels bad because the mirror looks like an alien/stranger/monster
>hates their body because it feels ugly/deformed/alien/strange

actual dysphoria is focused on gender, for me the gender part is secondary to the just not feeling human in general

>>40979395
nona... that's not "fake dysphoria"... that's dysmorphia. you can be dysphoric and dysmorphic at the same time

>>40979349
>there's no such thing as fake dysphoria. it's real if you feel it.
I'm saying it's fake because I'm probably not even dysphoric to begin with. I can look at my body and face in the mirror just fine, but another part of me incessantly reminds me that I look like a man and have little to no passing potential.
The fact that there is no acute distress from the fact that I'm a man is most likely enough proof that I lack dysphoria. It is very distressing to be reminded that I probably like being a man deep down though

>>40979433
>It is very distressing to be reminded that I probably like being a man deep down though
even the idea of wanting to be a man makes you dysphoric. just because because your dysphoria doesn't apply equally to all areas of your body, doesn't mean you don't have it

>>40979461
I feel like I should want to be a man, and that I'd be really good at being one. At the same time I'm just repulsed by the idea of actually living my life like that.
I don't see how trooning could help here though, since I have no guarantee I won't develop any reverse dysphoria

>>40979313
That still counts as being suicidal.

>>40979589
Yeah, yeah, I know, but it's me being passively suicidal for no reason. Not actively suicidal because I'm a man. That was the distinction I tried to establish, although having done so poorly

>>40979238
This is terrible advice, if you can even call it that. Medical science does not have a cure for dysphoria in the works and never will

Yeah i think im trooning because i failed to attract women since i feel ugly/boring

i mean you can always be a hrt femboy
or a he/him tranny idk

>>40979782
>just be a man with boobs bro

what kind of advice is this. the idea is to stop feeling like a freak

>>40978998 (OP)
Please just try HRT. Some brains are better on different hormones rather than others. If you don't like it, you can stop. Wondering if your "soul is transgender" is not going to help, because there really is no such thing.

Take care. If you really don't feel like you can continue living like this, you should absolutely try HRT even if it's just "for the hell of it".

>>40978998 (OP)
I don't know why you think that's bad, my entire life has been hell, specially during childhood when I felt so vulnerable in my own house, being unable to make any kind of decision and just letting dread consume me wasn't nice at all.
Considering yourself lucky.

>>40981580
>considering
*consider
Stupid brain

>>40978998 (OP)
i used to be like you OP. it helped to accept that im not actually gender dysphoric and i just take estrogen for cosmetic purposes, that i might have some similar symptoms to gender dysphoria but im definitely not a woman in a mans body. that and to kill my sex drive.

>>40981816
>that and to kill my sex drive.

this too, every time i goon i want to fuckin die

>>40981553
I have tried hrt, and I didn't feel any different on it unfortunately.

>>40981580
>I don't know why you think that's bad
I don't think it should be bad, but that doesn't change the way I feel about it. Didn't mean to understate the pain of actually dysphoric trans people at all.

bump

>>40978998 (OP)
you have depression and did
get tested idiot

>>40978998 (OP)
Nona you can do and be whatever the fuck you want. You dont have to justify it to anyone or anything.

>>40983785
I definitely don't have DID, and my depression doesn't cause me to feel this way. The dread I feel by being cis feels nothing like depression.

>>40983793
Only case where justification is needed is to get over medical gatekeeping. Otherwise I couldn't care less about that.
It's just that I feel like I can't be anything else but what I have no desire to be

>>40983793
not OP but
No
Genuine gd is terror and hell on earth
HOW can I ever call myself anything but a male man on hrt if I dont even have a modicum of that?
How can I assume my gender when I dont feel like a ral trans person feels? Especially since all these feelings feel recent relatively to my life and not ingrained since childhood?
Isnt that just...MEF or TOCD or some other social and mental malfunction and not genuine?
I just want to be real, and I HATE that I cant be a rela trans woman
I will always be a man. And yet I cant just push back and accept and live with it no
Im stubborn and decided trooning out is my hill to die on. But it is not my hill and I am not dying like actually.

>>40983811
I'm random mtf passing through.
Whatever, idgaf, everything with regards to trans stuff can't get any worse, you already seem pretty affected by it, you could just call what you experience dysphoria and get on with things, why shouldn't you live a little selfishly if this is what you truly want?

You're really just going to be hurting yourself.
You have my permission to think of yourself as trans if it helps idk idc.

>>40983938
Why are your words not enough?
Maybe deep down I know im just a fake
Apologies for wasting your time and good luck

>>40983938
nta, but you can't really call it "hurting yourself" if this way of living is preferable to living a cis life.
Also, the intense shame the above poster portrays is enough of a guarantee that they won't be an optics nuke

>>40983973
the shame doesn't absolve me of my mistakes nor does it make me better
I still act in accordance to my initial programming
I am just a fuck
But writing or saying wont change it
Its just who i am

>>40983966
get on an ssri

>>40979202
You sound trans to be honest

>>40983807
Then go make up your mind. Experiment.
>>40983811
You dont have to justify your feelibgs to ANYTHING, especially not some made concept you dreamed up.
But sure, keep torturing yourself and live in misery. No one ultimately gives a fuck either way - for better or worse.

>>40984011
You're much more fembrained than you might believe

>>40979238
big pharma has something for you now, and those are cross sex hormones. You are clearly repressing hard and acting like that is the only alternative

>>40984033
>Then go make up your mind. Experiment.
Experimenting only made me more miserable about being my birth sex, without giving me any clarity if I'd prefer to be something else

>>40984033
But people DO care
when you meet up with people and they ignore you and laugh at you behind your back
when they stop inviting you after seeing you once
when they patronize you
when they never include you into anything
DESPITE what you say people do care about how authentic you seem
and the people will go on and on about their real selves while you cant even remember what you were like when 16
but you know what you were
you know why you "repressed"
because its all fuck ass porn addictions and fake idealism. And they know because your story is fake
At every corner it is fake and they can tell
I am fake and I cant do anything about it

>>40984037
I am 100% masculine
So much so that others catch up on it and hate you for it and exclude you cause they see you as a cis who is just corssdressing or some shit(i never in my life did that just saying, i manmode 100% of the time, there is nothing on my or inside me or outside that isnt fit for my role as a low working class male)

>>40984065
Nona you are having a meltie, its ok but realize you cant think clearly rn. Try to get comfy and distract yourself until you feel better (dont do drugs or drinks tho). Be safe.

>>40984065
It's not porn addiction, you were born this way silly.

>>40984100
I was not
I was a regular boy
My whole life I was normal until internet gaming and porn addiction kicked in and my adult brain found out about this board and I am stuck ever since, looping the same day endlessly
dont suggest hRT already tried redone redid and still doing on and off
No mentla changes just got fatter, at least my porn addiction is gone thanks to dead balls and dick
>>40984097
I always have a meltie i guess :)
Nobody cares I get it

>>40984111
>My whole life I was normal
That's not entirely 100% true and you know it

>>40984111
Please don't get on and off hrt. Progress is cumulative and it's really not worth needlessly messing with your endocrine system. You know you don't want to have T in your system, so just keep taking hrt

>>40984120
BASED
now tell me what i dont know apparently
Right right

>>40984133
this feels like the most sick shit i have ever been told
NO
Yeah im losing it
Ok why would you enable this?
why?

>>40984142
It's insane how much you self sabotage. You could've transitioned normally and lived the life you desire, but your internalized transphobia is ruining it all for you. Please look into going to therapy because of this, or if you don't trust therapy, do shrooms. You will realize that porn plays no role in this

omg please get on something like lexapro, you're not thinking even remotely clearly. then go to therapy and try sorting things out.

>>40984158
When I was 16 I looked up gender porn and it was downhill from there. Wdym porn plays no role in this? I’m not the genuinely girly girl trannies are irl who get raped my T until 18 cause if parents
I’m just a loser who got obsessed with trooning as part of and follow up to my porn habits. Like you know those fake detroon trender troons? Im almost like them only I’m self aware enough to know it was my choice. Like legit so similar
>no trans thoughts as an adolescent
>obsessed with them after a certain point
>fuel it through mef agp porn
>goon and coom
>troon
>>40984181
Therapy does nothing

>>40984198
Ocd

>>40984198
How do you feel about being a man now though? Completely ignore the whole porn and trans thing. How do you feel at the thought of living the rest of your life as a man?