Thread 41025819

Saturday Morning Edition
previous: >>40884987 >>41014692

Goal of the thread: Take some aspect of self care you are procrastinating and try make a game of it, keep score! Tell us what it is you struggle with, too.
Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://rentry.co/sig-resources-2025-07
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

Alright, I woke up late today but I'm gonna leave for a coffee before posting anything else. Take care.

>>41025824
Nice, the owl!

Demon sig anon dad…
Enjoy the coffee break

>>41025819 (OP)
why the hell is everyone telling me to start journaling?! am actually starting to feel angry everytime someone tells me love stolas tho

>>41026083
How does the anger feel? When does it start? Could you perhaps journal a little here about what happens when someone tells you to journal?

>>41026083
out of curiosity, what do people rec it for? it's a common suggestion but it's worth looking into what it is supposed to accomplish, as the same thing might be accomplished otherwise

>>41026258
Self-reflection

>>41026403
>Self-reflection
Ah, my old arch enemy.

>>41026258
usually when it comes to dysphoria , dissociation or doubting my own expirience

>>41026447
Hm, dissociation I wouldn't know how it would help. A lot of the time journaling is more about helping you articulate feelings, or committing things felt in the moment to a more objective memory than our meat caskets. Are you familiar with the term rubber ducking? It would be a more social approach to how to try and deal with some of it. However, for dissociation grounding is more something to look into, we also have a book on the subject though.
>>41026403
I mean that tends to be one of the purposes but I was wondering about Anon's specific case.

>>41026466
>A lot of the time journaling is more about helping you articulate feelings
well i now often before sleep have like 30minute conversation with chatgpt about my curent feelings which i guess has this effect nut idk if it counts as journaling

>>41026578
You could easily write down in a journal what you'd tell chatgpt, yes. Talking to people might be an even better idea perhaps! I would like to better understand why the suggestion of journaling annoyed you to begin with other than it being ubiquitous, because if it is just a thing that is tedious for you I am always willing to try and think alternatives through with people.

I'll see if I can post before bed tonight, fuck I am tired.

>>41025819 (OP)
birdie

I got my eyebrows done for the first time today. I don't know much about eyebrows. But now that I'm back home, I'm wondering, should I have asked for thinner ones? I still feel like my eyes look very masculine here.

>>41028625
Like maybe I should have shown her a picture of thinner eyebrows, like this?
But I don't know if that would that work for my face.

>>41028625
I can’t speak to trends or what looks best on you, but my understanding is that getting your eyebrows shaped is like getting your hair cut. If you don’t like your brows so thick, you can get them styled thinner next time.

>>41028695
At first she barely did anything and said "I just cleaned it up. Do you want it thinner?" I said yes, and she was surprised, probably because I'm still boymoding, but did make them thinner. I was too self-conscious to ask to make them thinner a second time but maybe I should have.
But does it look okay? I feel like it's an improvement but do thick brows look overly masculine?

>>41028625
Looks pretty neatly done to me.

I performed autofellatio today. Well, just barely, I managed to lick the tip of my dick a few times.

am I asexual?
>khhv until 20
>spend a year dating a trans guy
>break up
>no sex for 2 years after
>bad sex with trans girl
>a year has passed since then
>the thought of sex now makes me sick to my stomach, convinced all potential partners are unfaithful or that they'd find me disgusting, worst mental health in years
>now in intensive therapy
I can't see a world where I find someone who would want me

>>41028749
I think what’s more important is that you regret not asking the person to thin your brows again. I think your brows look fine the way they are, they’re not like an objective eyesore. But you should get your brows the way you want, and practice asking for what you want from a brow tech even though it’s scary. I think that’s why you feel bad, because it’s not what you wanted.

>>41029684
Thanks. Maybe that's it. Next time I'll ask for thinner. I'm also feeling insecure because I feel like my eyes don't look like a girl's/woman's eyes, and I thought better eyebrows would help.

>>41029989
It’s a good approach to find ways to compensate for features you’re insecure about, to feel more like you’re in control of them, but the downside is that your self-esteem only has so much to do with how you actually look.

It’s good to feel like you’re doing everything you can to look your best, but you also need to internalize the idea that you’re enough regardless of how you look or how you feel about your looks.

That’s not a quick, easy belief to build, but that’s why it’s so important to start working on it right away.

>>41029989
Put another way, if you don’t like the way your eyes look, there might be an objective reason for that, and you can make your eyes look better with the right brow shaping, but you can decide your eyes look bad no matter how they actually look, and it’s possible that nothing you can do to improve your appearance will give you the satisfaction you need if you invest your sense of self worth in your appearance.

Self-image can be really arbitrary, and it’s so easy for consumer industries to make money from convincing people they aren’t pretty enough (and that pretty is a very important thing to be) that it’s very easy to develop a negative self-image by just existing in our world. Those kinds of messages are easier to internalize than we realize, you know?

And that goes double for transgirls like you and me, where there are people saying constantly that we aren’t women at all, and that we don’t look like women either. That kind of talk can have an effect on you even if you don’t consciously believe it, you know?

>>41030442
>>41030571
Thank you for the detailed advice. I should probably focus less on my looks. Just hard when I'm finally putting effort into my appearance transitioning. It was easier to ignore my appearance when I was a doomer who took HRT and thought I'd never pass and that's it. I need to build my self-worth in general, probably.
I don't feel like I can trust my own perception on how I look.

>>41030832
I’m glad I can help.

I know from firsthand experience that something small like getting your eyebrows done is both a constructive act of self-care, and this hugely symbolic and intimidating process of moving forward with your transition.

Working on your appearance is definitely something you should do, and taking pride in the effort you’re making is good also.

Like I’ve heard about research showing that it’s better to encourage a kid by saying “You worked hard” instead of “You’re smart,” because being smart isn’t thought of as strictly the result of effort, and that can have negative effects like impostor syndrome (“They think I’m smart, but am I really?”) or complacence, where you think you don’t have to work hard if you’re smart.

>>41031005
TL DR, you need to take pride in what you do rather than what you “are,” especially if what you are is something that’s based on how other people perceive you and other things you can’t fully control.

>>40997827
>What I need to know is the things that scare you/that you struggle with.
When talking to people, I have a near-constant fear of being judged for what I say, what I do, how I behave, etc. I also tend to set very high standards for myself, such that I often give up on tasks prematurely. Another thing is that uncertainty paralyzes me, like if I don't know the exact procedure for something I panic.
(If that isn't the information you were looking for I apologize, I'm not the best at intuiting such things)
>I suggest looking into it
I think I found something good via my therapist, I still have to figure out details but it could happen in the next week or two.

alright sweethearts I promised myself not to stay awake until 3 am anymore so keep this thread bumped OR SO HELP ME I'LL

make a new one. Don't worry. But I WILL frown, so I am counting on you!! I have faith.

did like half an hour of university work before crying over not passing. this is better than not getting any work done. baby steps

>>41033105
I’m sure you do care a lot about being able to pass, but it’s possible you started crying when you did because you’re under a lot of stress in general and not passing was just the thought that finally overwhelmed your composure.

Take breaks when you do your coursework. Get up and walk around every thirty minutes or so, etc. You’ll be able to get more done if you rest consistently.

This might not be advice for tonight, but certainly tomorrow.

SH anon back again still sh free at over 400 days now. Shit got incredibly bad with my family to the point where I completely cut them off now but I just feel completely empty and apathetic to everything now. just been staring at my computer screen for hours not doing actually anything, I wonder if this is what most people experience before they decide to finally end it

>>41034559
grandma Ah kitchen

>>41025819 (OP)
>>41008937
(Sorry for all the really late replies, busy weekend)
>Exactly
Okay, so context matters a lot then?

>Yes. You can even speak that fact openly if you feel the need to have it reinforced
So it's okay to ask people questions like that too? I won't make things too awkward?
>The subtleties come into play when dealing with office politics or crap like that but as far as I'm concerned you are right now dealing with getting a foot in the door
I see what you are saying, don't jump the gun.

>There is no reason not to play with open cards in your current situation, you haven't even been dealt a hand yet
I see your reasoning so far.
So, treat situations as neutral until I've been shown otherwise?

I love sleep.

>>41035117
same

>>41033105
Yes, anon, baby steps.

>>41029538
I don't like throwing it around, but I'd say it's some level of trauma.

Your partners didn't seem to pleasant from what I can tell.

Gonna respond a bit out of order to work around the character and reply count limit
>>41025924
If the people desire more owl I shall indulge for another post or two.
>>41009534
>I know him since freshman year, so irl close friend since then, I came out to him and we started dating,
>So I’m just stuck with nobody now. Oh well
I see, that's definitely needs to change urgently. I assume he was the only friend you made at the time, or have you just lost contact to the others? What is your environment like? I ask to figure out how to get you among people again.
>>41010869
I know they can be pricey but have you considered a weighted blanket? It can help. More extreme approaches would involve..hm. Do you have people you are physical with? Hugs and such?
>>41011889
Oh, a your cats discord server, not your cat's discord server. My bad! That's a shame, anon. I hope you find an apt replacement. How are you besides?
>>41014690
What does?

>>41015016
We absolutely did reach the bump limit, for the first time in a bit! Things are looking up and I am super grateful to you all.
>>41016037
Does it mean there is at least a modicum of certainty to things now? Still.. it sucks that things are rough as they are for you. My weekend so far was quite restful, I hope yours was in its own way pleasant.
>>41010176
>looking healthy and being a normal weight does not equal looking attractive and being skinny
Trust me, while some people may have the standards you describe, they are far from universal or else I would be single too. Granted, you might say that I as a masc and a top face completely orthogonal expectations, and you're right, but *as one* and knowing people attracted to all manner of people, you are within the strike zone of way more people than you think.
>My "gay voice" is too cutesy
>id like to learn to do dumb cute dances
>my mannerisms and how i talk dont match up with how i look irl.
You deny yourself a lot on the grounds of being too masc. Too masc/old to let yourself do cute/silly things, too much so to express yourself.
>I just dont think my inner self+interests and body match up.
All of these qualities you mentioned are endearing to me, and things I would find charming in anyone no matter their looks, and given the reference material you provided you are not at all as masc as you think. Of course, this is not entirely about self perception, as you said, what you really seem to worry about is:
>I would 100% gather everyone's scorn
Some people may be judgmental like that, I get it. You have come to fear the world and its people because you expect everyone to be, for the lack of a better term, a hyper vigilant turbonormie waiting for an opportunity to hammer down any nail that sticks out. But.. while those people and places full of them are abundant, you can cultivate an inner circle that locks them out. I sure did.

>>41010630
>I've only got memory problems and brain fog.
I hear that a lot, especially when trauma is in the mix (ofc that doesn't have to mean anything, I can't stress enough how not qualified I am).
>I was talking about the onset of the "disease" with that, but you could say that some traumatic events happened.
Yes, I am trying to get a feel for what "caused" it. There must have been a key event of some sort that triggered it, I would think. And that person and whatever they did might be a key in all this. Perhaps resolving these things will help.
>this honestly almost unfroze my emotions a month or two ago.
>Like, I was thinking about my best friend from childhood, and when I felt a small twinge of emotion, I would double down and try to remember some other stuff about him, and whatever small speck of emotion I felt, I would hone in on that and magnify it.
Oh, this is actually a major breakthrough though, isn't it? Of course there was a setback that you couldn't let yourself experience it properly when you had it but it means you had access for a moment. Is there something you used in the past to trigger emotions that worked reliably? Music, films, books, could even be scents or other sensory experiences.
>Unfortunately, I didn't have the house to myself that day and it would've been terrible if I screamed or burst into tears or something
Is it okay to ask whether you feel safe at home? I ask because you said you couldn't let yourself be heard crying, essentially.
>>41019981
hah, the "HEY" I posted when I caught the thread on page 10. How are you, Anon?
>>41016517
>thank you for this list i never rlly look at it but it gets tedious doing the same to do lists once a week
It is, the good news is that you can shorten it with some habituation, over time. That and automation, if you like technical solutions (for example a calendar that auto-generates certain events)

>>41038756
Panty here. Now that you’re around, siganon, I’ll reply to your last response to me which I think was two threads ago.

I will definitely investigate how pH affects the color of my raspberry bread. Thank you for the tip!

Here are thumbnails to YT videos I recommended, plus a couple more.

I haven’t watched all of Marina Karlova’s videos so I can’t say if she’s got some kind of subtle reactionary agenda you eventually piece together if you take in enough of her content, but I found these two videos of hers very helpful. They explain a lot of complex ideas in very simple terms, AND explain your understanding of these issues relates to self-care and self-empowerment.

Also, as to the musical episode of PSG, singing is the second thing Panty declared “better than sex” after social media in the Influenstagram segment. Between “Fa-Fa-Fuck” and “Pet Cemetary Hills,” I’m getting the impression that Panty has just neglected pursuing interests that men who objectify her wouldn’t recognize or value. It’s not that having sex is her favorite thing, it’s that she hasn’t given herself a chance to find out if she likes anything more than sex.

I'm so fucking fat. It's time to lock in.

More posts later, I managed to catch up with the second last thread at least, and almost caught up with the last thread. Next is of course this one.
>>41025906
>>41027490
I enjoy Stolas, I haven't watched the show since ep 7 though I have a lot to catch up on.
>Note to self: demon birb is appreciated
>>41020829
Ah, intermittent fasting?
>>41029520
Not gonna lie I'm impressed.
>>41016623
>I felt relief that I got get it off my chest, but really ultimately I regret telling her because I just dont want people to know that about me.
On the one hand, I absolutely get it. I pass as het and my public persona. In my case this comes from a deeply held belief that nobody has the right to know these things unless it is relevant to their work. I think it is fair that you don't wanna talk to them about it, I think it isn't healthy if you are out to nobody though, even if it means letting go of some control. I am out to enough people, including people I know IRL. The feeling of control is alluring and to some extent infosec is very important but you need people to be vulnerable around or it will break you. It does not need to be your therapist though.

:^)

>>41025819 (OP)
i did work for the college last semester and they still haven’t paid me. it was my first bit of actual work since trying to escape neetdom so it is upsetting to have it turn out like this. i’m going to give them a hard deadline and drop classes + sue if they don’t follow through. i might drop classes regardless. i’m not sure what i would do instead though, currently fantasizing about just finding a sugar daddy

>>41039779
>Not gonna lie I'm impressed.
I started with just doing plow pose a lot with my regular stretching, but that wasn't making enough progress. So I re-positioned myself so I could wall walk down to choose the angle and give additional force.

If cannabis does make you scared and anxious,
Afraid that you might kiss this world goodbye:
Just have a beer! It's cold and unpretentious.
Yes, liquor soothes the nerves when one is high.

As am I, currently. But it is good advice.

>>41021017
>If I go honmode I get fired from my job because it's client centric.
>If I wait to transition I will be 36 by the time I complete ffs.
Incredibly difficult call to make.. I am sorry your hands are tied like this, Anon.
Do you have people you are/can be out to support you through this?
>>41022835
>>41022907
Hey Junko, welcome back. You're definitely going through a lot right now. And from what I gathered you are pretty alone in all this. Do you have people you trust that can be physically there with you?
>>41029538
I think it is too early to really say, but it definitely is for the best you steer clear of sex for now and focus on relationships and finding people you trust. How did you find lovers in the past? Do you have friends to lean on? Generally it might be a good idea for you to build a circle of friends. Because individual relationships can fail, romantic or not, and having several friends that got your back would mean you have a safety net to work with. These feelings of being unworthy, to the best of my understanding it is simply normal we blame ourselves when we are confronted with things outside of our control.. and as real as it feels, sadly it never really is the core of what is wrong. If you humor me for a moment and allow me to take for granted it is not you that things went like this, tell me about your environment, do you feel alone?

>>41031097
You are doing great. Don't you worry! Your standards for yourself are likely out of whack because, on some level, you treat yourself as inferior to others. Nobody worth spending time with could possibly agree with you on that outlook! You are afraid of making mistakes, essentially. Let's start with a simple exercise: I want you to imagine two inexperienced dancers, you're one of them. Your assigned training partner steps on your foot. You vocalize, take their foot off yours, and apologize. I want you to take a moment to reflect upon how this event would affect your opinion of them as a person. Would you even remember it the next day? Now compare, you stepped on their foot. Would you be upset with yourself? Would you remember this moment for weeks to come? Reflect upon this for a moment. Could it be that you would judge yourself much much more harshly than you would have the other person? I would like you to try and articulate the things you think people may judge you for. We can dismantle them like this. Rationalizing won't fix the emotional bit but it is a first step.
>I think I found something good via my therapist
Perfect, you did well Anon!
>>41033105
I'm proud of you, Anon. It's not easy, and yet you persevere.
>>41034559
Congratulations! What a wonderful number.
>Shit got incredibly bad with my family to the point where I completely cut them off
I am sorry to hear. It's no wonder you feel numb after what must have been an incredibly emotionally taxing mess to sort out. It doesn't mean that it's over, or that you can't recover from it.. but one thing after another. With your family out of the picture, do you have other people in your life that support you? What were your general circumstances like?
>>41039739
If you want we can talk about it a little, weight loss I mean.

>>41008937 #
>>41035110
>Yes. Reframe things you can positively, guide self criticism to things that actually get in your way, things like that
That's gonna be a very hard task to try and follow through with but I will make an effort to do so.
I need to get better.

>Much appreciated. <3
:)

>Well, let's set a realistic date for you to do it, a schedule. A concrete time to get it out of the way
Good news, if my understanding of the website is correct, my Application for it should be done now.

I hope all is well.

Goodnight all, sleep tight.

>>41035110
>>41040604
Take all the time you need, bunon.
>Okay, so context matters a lot then?
Yes but at a social event being asked questions and trying to get a conversation going about the person's strong suit surely is not the place where it is a burden. You will have an easier time trying to invert the perspective I think.
>So it's okay to ask people questions like that too? I won't make things too awkward?
Yes. No need to repeat it but get it out of the way and expect people to be uncomplicated about it. Life is too short for coy bullshit. You can worry about subtleties later.
>So, treat situations as neutral until I've been shown otherwise?
Yes!
>That's gonna be a very hard task to try and follow through
If it is any reassurance, you don't have to do it perfectly, nobody does. Don't overburden yourself with expectations of perfection, trying to uphold it as an ideal and trying is hard enough. And good enough, too. Also, happy to hear about the application!
>>41038975
>I will definitely investigate how pH affects the color of my raspberry bread. Thank you for the tip!
You're very welcome!
>Here are thumbnails to YT videos I recommended, plus a couple more.
Much appreciated, gonna put a reminder for myself here to put it in the resources. I'm super grateful for the effort you put in!
>It’s not that having sex is her favorite thing, it’s that she hasn’t given herself a chance to find out if she likes anything more than sex.
I think so too, and it's a very interesting spin on her character.
>>41039790
>i did work for the college last semester and they still haven’t paid me.
That's incredibly sleazy.. I really hope they get their act together soon, this is unacceptable. I am still proud of you for fighting your way out of neetdom, and you having to face discouraging shit like this makes me upset on your behalf honestly.
>i’m going to give them a hard deadline and drop classes + sue
What classes are you taking though, out of curiosity?

That's it for tonight.
>>41039825
That is fascinating, to say the least! Don't hesitate to post updates on that either, but I am curious how you are doing besides! Still kinda hot you can do that.
>>41040613
Goodnight.
>>41039890
Hm.. this is the second time I heard that actually, it's peculiar it works that way. Hope you are doing okay, Anon!

>>41040523
I'm not sure what there is to talk about. I'm fed up with hating my body and myself and I want a fucking boyfriend who will love me and be attracted to me. I have to lose a massive amount of weight though (around 150) so I'm terrified that my skill will be fucked forever.... but it's better than being a landwhale. I've started improving my diet, tracking my calories, and am progressively introducing more and more physical activity into my life.. will probably start going to the gym soon

>>41041111
>That is fascinating, to say the least! Don't hesitate to post updates on that either, but I am curious how you are doing besides! Still kinda hot you can do that.
In all honesty my back and shoulders were sore for awhile after. I'm gonna continue my normal stretching routine as-is, and only periodically will I do the wall-walk autofellatio for the sake of it. I think within six months, I'll reach it with my regular stretching and it will be much more comfortable.

Tanji-Anon here. My date weekend with my husband went pretty well. We had the house to ourselves for two days which was VERY much needed and acted as a very much needed reset and some alone time for us. Friday we went to see the new Demon Slayer movie and that was pretty good, and Saturday we got to just relax and try out a new recipe that turned out fairly well.
We've made plans that if we don't have access to our new place by our anniversary in a little under two weeks, we'll get a motel/hotel room and have some privacy there. Its not even about sex or anything like that, its just about privacy and getting our own space without risking people walking over every half hour.

>>41039790
Oh neat, something I actually have experience in and can help with. I did work for my local college a little over a year ago and there were payment difficulties on my end. If you don't mind my asking, what type of work did you do for them? Was it through the college directly or is there a secondary department/program they were running? Like, a janitorial position or the like would be for the college itself, but working for a department of theirs like Science or IT would have you answering to that specific department instead of the Dean or anything like that.
Source: I did work for my local college's Tech department and the budget for my payment was the Tech department's responsibility, not just the College or Dean's. Its bits of bureaucracy that are annoying as hell to navigate, yeah, but its how things are run. They might have also allocated the money they owe you to your tuition, check for that and anything possibly mentioning that in any employment papers you have from them, as well as who was your supervisor and all that.
I'm willing to give more advice and help as well, as my best friend and her mother work for the local college still and I can relay what all you need to say to try and get what you want smoothly, I highly doubt your college is run particularly different to theirs

>>41041093
>I am still proud of you for fighting your way out of neetdom, and you having to face discouraging shit like this makes me upset on your behalf honestly.
thank you, i am very demoralized over it and am debating if i should just drop classes tonight. i’ve been desperately wanting some form of mentorship and guidance into the professional world so it feels like a form of betrayal from people i’ve put trust in
>What classes are you taking though, out of curiosity?
CAD and modeling stuff, mostly architectural and mechanical design
>>41042227
>what type of work did you do for them? Was it through the college directly or is there a secondary department/program they were running?
it’s a project led by the department faculty, with the funds being distributed out of some grant or scholarship type thing. I filled out a single form for paperwork back in March but I don’t really know who’s responsible for overseeing these details. the fact that it’s a stipend and not an actual employed position makes it feel like there’s no accountability

thanks for responses btw

>>41042227
oh and i did get sent some code to set up an account for receiving refunds, apparently the school uses it for financial aid somehow. i haven’t seen anything show up there though, and another student i worked with hasn’t seen any money either. so i don’t think it’s a matter of just looking in the right place

>>41043016
>>41043088
>another student i worked with hasn’t seen any money either
Okay so, if its not just you not getting paid then that's actually a better sign, it means its not personal most likely and it might be tied to the grant and scholarship funds.
If you can, ask for a copy of your paperwork through the department head, say it you need it for records and the like, or at least ask if he knows where you could access it, or see if any other of the students have a copy/access to theirs, or if the terms are in the account itself.
If you haven't already, you can use this opportunity to mention to the department head that you haven't been paid yet. Try to sound casual and not accusatory, and say stuff like "I know its probably not your fault, I get how this stuff gets tied up, but I would like to be kept updated".
If you can, also see if you can find out the name of the grant/scholarship they're supposed to be paying you through, and see if you can find contact information for them to ask them the money situation. Right now its going to be a lot of information gathering, but its the path of ironically least resistance: The college is likely willing to help you somewhat if you act nice, even if its for a fuck up on their end.

>>41043501
thank you that all sounds like the right thing to do. i feel like i’m getting crushed under a rock, missing a bunch of assignment deadlines tonight because i don’t care anymore. i’ll see what i have energy for tomorrow

>>41039779
>does not have to be therapist though
idk should I tell my therapist? My issues is I feel like it would color therapy in a way I wouldn't like and focus on finding my identity when in reality I just want help being more comfortable and confident and more vulnerable around other people

>>41025819 (OP)
After severe psychic damage trying on clothes today, I am officially starting my weight loss again tomorrow instead of at the end of the month. I will be having nightmares of what I saw in the mirror. That is all.

bump

reeee p9

I will live

>>41047695
I'm glad.

>>41040604
>>41008937
>We can revisit whenever.~
Thank you, I will try to keep up with the l threads as much as I can this week, many things to do irl as well.

>Thank you for taking the time, not just to do that but also to rest and recuperate when you need it
Thank you again, I will try to take better care of my rest and sleep requirements as well.

I'll lay out my other updates as soon as I get a window to do so.
I just need to take things slow and carefully for now.

I hate being faketrans trender
At this point it’s a joke
It is all a self hate issue I suppose

>>41025819 (OP)
pg 8

>>41033270
thank you, didn’t really expect actionable advice. working went better yesterday and hopefully will today as well. also gave me a reminder about clarity in writing, it definitely looked like i was talking about not passing my uni courses, but i meant it in the “looking male when i don’t want to” way. although i definitely have been stressed over both recently
>>41035976
>>41040523
<3
>>41049639
this was supposed to be a page 8 bump but the wormest bird is early or whatever

>>41025819 (OP)
Im not happy about my transition at all, its been 2 years, had a shitty codependent gf and I broke up with her earlier this year and I've tried to end it twice since then
I got medicated for ADHD and then I met with another friend out of texas, when I came back I only went deeper into depression and things have steadily gotten worse, I was going to try working out but I can't put on weight for more than 2 weeks at a time, Ive been plateauing at the same weight for this past year, and now I'm considering dropping back down to 130lbs just so I don't have to be dysphoric about my arms and back and everything else.

Idk why my hair and face has been getting worse and greasier, and things just get worse and worse, I might be going truly insane. One of the only things I can do is just lie in bed and cry and shake, but then things feel inexplicably better the next day, but then at the night things come crashing back down. My psych said I might have a personality disorder and yet I need to find another professional for help since she doesn't have time for therapy sessions. It's like im only mentally ill after 2pm, I'm mostly functional in my online day job

>>41041093
> I'm super grateful for the effort you put in!
You’re welcome! We’re all helping each other here, and there’s enough overlap in our various challenges that I know some things that helped me could help someone else.

>>41049738
I understand why you might have thought I was talking about passing as in schoolwork, but I actually did gather that you were concerned about passing in the transgender sense. I just didn’t make that clear.

My understanding is that when we’re stressed out about one thing (like classwork), we can start taking a mental inventory about everything else that might be worrying us. I think it’s related to how our fear and anxiety instincts are designed to help us survive in nature.

Imagine your prehistoric ancestor running from a land-based predator like a jaguar, and they jump in a body of water to get away from the jaguar, and they’re already scared of one thing and focused on getting away from it but while they’re in the water they’re also keeping an eye out for predators that could be in the water like piranhas or alligators. That’s my understanding of why we can start stressing about one thing and then suddenly start worrying about something else as well, with our attention divided between these different worries and our distress compounded. It’s meant to get us through short-term periods of imminent danger, and modern civilization just puts us in a situation where, for better and worse, that kind of worrying just isn’t useful.

It’s good that we aren’t getting chased around as a routine fact of life, with our survival depending on our ability to escape danger. The problem is just that we don’t realize our intuitive reactions to perceived danger are not helpful when we’re worried about something that can’t physically attack us in an instant if we don’t watch our back.

>>41051011
i see, my mistake. and thank you for elaborating, this seems good to keep in mind

i need laser and i will get laser

wagmi

today I cooked wheat berries (Ebly), enough for the next 3 lunches plus tonight's dinner.
I don't like being on a diet again. My goal is to lose 2kg I gained in the past half year... in as much time as it takes. I have essentially reached my target weight already even, it's within the natural daily fluctuation of my weight again, but close to the lower bound rather than the average. This suggests that I have about 1kg more to lose.
My mom used to make this stuff for me.. ah, I digress.
Rest day, but it is only fair I for once speak of myself, right?

>>41054261
> Rest day, but it is only fair I for once speak of myself, right?
Of course! It’s great that you devote so much of your time here to responding and encouraging the other posters in this thread, but there’s nothing wrong with sharing some of your own journey.

The main thing I did today was go grocery shopping. I got the ingredients to make a batch of breakfast burritos, and a salad with kale, squash, and quinoa.

I tried making cornflake brittle with half pecans and walnuts mixed in. It turned out great, but in the future I’m going to incorporate the nuts in smaller pieces.

>>41037732
>My weekend so far was quite restful
I'm glad to hear it siganon. mine was... mm. well, painful. my joints decided to go purple again. the past week has pretty much been wiped from my mind. My log says I've been working out, and I think I remember eating wild apples... I know I spoke to a lot of new people because there's photographic evidence of it, but I wouldnt have known it if there werent.
It's confusing.
>Does it mean there is at least a modicum of certainty to things now?
yes. they're going to try out a few things over the next year or two and then theyre going to let me go.
I don't think I'm taking it very well. I want to. but my feelings seem to have turned into dissociation again. Im very calm these days. I don't remember much about anything, or anyone, but I get to enjoy the present through my haze at the cost of living inside that disoriented state. i'm not outside my body this time, so that means i get to smell things, and taste things. feel the material world against my skin. I can't feel the emotions attached to my awareness of this being a sign of stress right now, so even if I know it's bad it doesnt really feel that bad while Im in it. I'm happy, in a sense. grateful. things hurt all the time so it's nice when they dont, even if I know my perception of it is a byproduct of something I shouldnt want and cant viably hope to live in permanently

>>41054261
taking your time sounds like a good plan. ive never heard about ebly before but from what im seeing online it's reminding me of bulgur (yummy). best of luck

>>41040523
I would think no lesser of them, mistakes like that are inconsequential and a part of practicing skills. However, if I made the same mistake, and if I truly cared about what we were practicing, I would likely be upset with myself, yes. Not because I stepped on their foot, as that is not abnormal given the task; rather because I performed poorly, even if just for a moment, at the task. That then makes me doubt my ability to recover from the setback. And maybe that's my issue, not being able to accept my own mistakes as useful in any way.
>I would like you to try and articulate the things you think people may judge you for.
In a social sense, I'm always worried someone will look at the way I look or my mannerisms and think "that person is strange". This causes me to be tense and extremely self-conscious of myself. When my goal is to complete some sort of assignment, the worry is moreso falling short of expectation. That could be something like preparing a meal that ends up unsatisfactory, or not getting the results I want when practicing an instrument, or (worst of all) poor performance in a job/school setting (college would likely be a disastrous experience at this point in time).

For the first time in probably 7-8 years I managed to write something, even though it was just a few paragraphs of ramble about how I feel I've wasted so much of my life not doing anything about my dysphoria. Maybe I can stop being a complete doomer over my entire existence and at least try *something*.

>>41025819 (OP)
Hey siganon, I hope you're well. I was the BPD/attachment anon from a couple of weeks ago if you remember. I stopped cause someone I dated for a bit probably comes in these threads sometimes and I felt embarrassed at the idea of them potentially seeing my posts here and realizing it's me with enough details.
Anyways, do you have any resources or insight on building self worth or self love? I was physically abused as a child and it's caused me a lot of issues with self hate and feeling fundamentally unloveable. I have trouble with vulnerability because I fear others seeing me for who I actually am and potentially rejecting me for it. It's caused a lot of strife in my relationships and in my personal life and I want to work to improve it
When people like me, it makes me feel suffocated, like I have to live up to their expectations constantly otherwise I fear disappointing them. When people dislike me/don't like me as much as I like them, I feel comfortable because I don't have to fear rejection, but it still lacks vulnerability and possible acceptance that I desire
I also started therapy last week, my second appointment is tomorrow
thank you again

Hello sig I'm here, hope you are doing well. Great Stolas picture BTW. I'm working get certified and join an Union. It will REALLY stability my life and income but we will see.

>>41057643
good luck anon!!!

i went outside today
got coffee milk and a breakfast snack
first time in ages

>>41058496
I'm happy for you.

>>41041093
>Take all the time you need, bunon
Thank you again for all the patience.

>Yes but at a social event being asked questions and trying to get a conversation going about the person's strong suit surely is not the place where it is a burden
I see, I worry that I may be overwhelming to people at times when I ask too many questions though.
But I will try to pace myself and show proper interest.

>You will have an easier time trying to invert the perspective I think
I suppose that makes sense.

>>41057643
That sounds great.

>>41025824
>reach out to an online contact.
try going outside and meeting real contacts that live near you. wtf.

How long should a hentai manga be and how do I stop feeling like I'm wasting away?

>>41059099
>meeting real contacts that live near you
not an option for all of us, especially as fruits

Anybody else suffering from ocpd here? I spend literally hours and hours trying to plan routines and rules and stuff and then next day i do literally nothing and feel like shit and go back to thinking and planning and repeat

>>41041093
>Yes. No need to repeat it but get it out of the way and expect people to be uncomplicated about it
I will do so then.

>Life is too short for coy bullshit. You can worry about subtleties later
An incredibly fair point, I don't really have much time left to make something of my social situation.

>Yes!
Alright, I will take these points to heart.
Thank you, Siganon.

>>41059378
Part of my life has been having to accept that no matter what you plan for nothing will work that way.

>>41025824
today im cleaning my clothes and im actually going jogging today decided to change my fatass (5'8 158 pounds) life i also downloaded a workout app to help me

>>41060984
>Fat
>5'8" and 154lb
I wish I was your weight and height.
I eat 1 meal a day, and I am 5'7" 185lb right now. I keep trying to get back to 150s but idk what they put in food. Working out and eating sub 1600cals a day and I am gaining weight and losing weight constantly right now, I can't seem to stay under 180lb.

>>41061728
I lost a lot I'm just plateauing but maybe I've hit the point where it is the harder to burn off fat. I started this diet at 209lb 6 months ago.

>haven't lost any weight in 3 weeks
fuck my life

>>41061935
What is your approach? What's your current weight/BMI?

I'm a recovering NEET and everything is so exhausting. I want to do more with my day but I have zero energy. Idk how tf I can ever get a job when I'm so obsessive about my appearance and refuse to leave the house if I missed a single hair on my face yet I only have the energy to take care of myself a few days a week and it takes hours to shave every hair on my body, do makeup, etc.

I'm also an alcoholic, severely so at this point, as of the past few years. Dysphoria or stress from my family are usually the biggest trigger. My biggest victory was about 3 days no alcohol right before the detrans shooter fucked everything up and I got delusions and paranoia from wds and relapsed after being sent death threats. I drank so much the other day when the charlie kirk thing happened and the House passed a bill that will make my insurance stop covering my hrt (it was about a liter of vodka) that the withdrawals after were so bad I felt like there was something crawling in my skin and that there were going to be worms hiding in odd places. I haven't freaked out like this since I was a kid and I have zero history of psychosis.

I'm going to try to make it with no alcohol today. Wish me luck. I got some sedatives to help me make it through the wds that I can taper if it gets bad again after a couple days.

>>41061935
I wish I could gain more muscle, I feels your pain.

>>41061889
Something you could try I heard a long while ago, is to track your weight loss/gain vs calories consumed over a 30 day rolling period. You use that to get a relatively accurate tdee that changes with your changing calorie needs. It also tends to counteract miscounted calories; if you are chronically underestimating your calorie consumption, for example, your estimated TDEE will tend to drop with it until you are losing weight again.

Formula for this would be (Calories consumed over last 30 days + lbs lost over last 30 days *3500) ÷ 30 = Calories needed to maintain current weight. If you gained weight, you subtract instead of adding.

I remember that the person I heard this from wrote a script for it, but I don't know how to put that together. Could prolly vibe code it pretty easy though.

>>41061306
my goal is to get around 140 but i know we can make it happen im rooting for u layrinn

I think I'm attracted to nazis. Help.

I'm not normal but I'm not evil. There's just something about them that I want.

siggies I had kind of a mental breakdown today. handeld it better than before, but boy did it shell shock me. I don't know really what to do now. wish I had a cute nerd bf whom I could listen to ramble so I can forget about this day. I really wish that this never fucking happens again. it was out of my control too, which makes it worse. I'm a fragile person in a rock-hard world :(

>>41041093
>If it is any reassurance, you don't have to do it perfectly, nobody does. Don't overburden yourself with expectations of perfection
One of many things I need to work on.

>trying to uphold it as an ideal and trying is hard enough. And good enough, too
That's another relief for me, performance anxiety sucks.

>Also, happy to hear about the application!
Thank you, just need to do a payment and organise some things then I'll be good to go.

>>41062892
I’m going to say something that sounds obvious because I think you’ll find it helpful.

You said you feel exhausted all the time and you have so little energy, and then you talked about how you’re a recovering alcoholic and you’ve recently had several relapses with intense effects.

You’re expecting too much productivity from yourself on a normal day while you’re struggling with this very serious substance abuse problem.

I’m not surprised that your struggles with alcohol feel mundane if that’s been a part of your life for years at this point. When that’s your normal, it would probably seem weird that it feels so much harder for you to do everyday chores or errands. But cut yourself some slack and remember you’re dealing with a huge additional challenge. Committing to a day of sobriety sounds like a good idea given that. I hope it goes well, but remember that trying is an important part of getting it done.

I spent a lot of time moping around about the kind of stuff that triggered your relapses last year, and now because I’m resisting those impulses to spiral, sometimes I worry I’m holding too much in and not giving those feelings the outlet they need.

But we have more options than surrendering to our most self-destructive impulses and sitting there like the dog in the burning house that says “This is fine.”

There are healthy coping skills out there and we just need to find some that work for us.

I keep taking care of myself because it just plain feels better than not taking care of myself.

>>41063615
What happened exactly?
>nerd bf whom I could listen to ramble so I can forget
As someone who talks about nothing most of the time... No, you don't, no one really wants to hear it. I have to shut myself up because I both don't know how to stop a convo and I am incredibly annoying.
>>41062956
>>41063303
I ate 2 180cal grognola bars, 3 supreme pizza slices. That is all I planned on eating for the whole day and I am about to run at home when I finally find a stopping point at home.

>>41063531
its over for you

>>41063531
uniform?

>>41063303
A fantasy like that can be an outlet for negative emotions. If you feel like you’re unlovable, here’s a fantasy where you don’t have to be loved to get laid.

It’s not even that far afield from more common romantic fantasies. There’s a lot of control in the way a happy relationship for a woman is usually portrayed. Usually women are with big, strong guys who can pick the woman up and carry them around — sweep them off their feet and carry them across the threshold, affectionately smack the woman’s ass out of nowhere, etc. Even in a lot of alternative romance art, those kinds of contrasts often persist. There’s often somebody who can carry their partner and somebody who gets carried, someone stronger or smarter or whatever else.

So a partner who has more power over you than usual, who’s a little extra mean, extra scary, adds a little sauce to the daydream. Think Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey.

The trouble with daydreaming about a Nazi partner is that it can distort your understanding of what you want in real life. Because in your fantasy, no one can do anything to you that you aren’t expecting to happen or don’t want to happen.

Fantasizing about a relationship that is coercive or abusive is very different from being in one because you control the fantasy. You can return to reality whenever you want, drop it when you aren’t in the mood.

I hope that gives you some food for thought.

i regret being a neet so badly, i have some online friends and they have big irl friend groups, careers, they do stuff all the time, they have people to do things with. ill never have that, ive been stuck in one room alone for 10 years. im losing my mind, i want to die or start to live but i dont know how, the only thing i can do is work in a warehouse. where was the part where i was supposed to meet people and feel like im really alive, i just want to feel like i exist.

>>41062563
230lbs, 33 BMI. I tried eating 1800 calories a day, no weight lost, then 1500, still nothing, now I'm gonna try 1000-1200. I also have been trying to go to the gym for an hour every day I have free, so 3/4 days a week.

>>41065721
have your thyroid/blood values checked, it can very well be something hormonal

>>41065860
idk I think I was eating too much, I used one calorie budget calculator and it said I should eat 1800, I used another this morning and estimated my body fat and it said 1000. I looked up hypothyroidism and it seems like I would just be coping because I have none of the other symptoms.

>>41065891
For a 33 BMI it's just very unusual to need to go that low in my experience, though it's also a function of height, I am most used to people around 1.80 (6ft), did you at least observe the initial water loss?

>>41066074
idk I wasn't looking out for it, I've been told I look thinner tho

>>41066105
That is interesting, if you were told you look thinner but the scale doesn't budge.. It is worth monitoring. Make sure to keep a fair amount of minerals and protein in your diet at such a low intake. If it were a plateau sometimes counter-intuitive things can help like adding a day of 0 deficit per week.

>>41064196
>What happened exactly?
Too embarasing to say, sorry.
>No, you don't
But if he's my little nerd bf, then yeah I do! I just wanna talk with a cute autist about his interests and then info dump mine. Annoyance can be endearing.
But I'd also try and piece together the inner machinations of his based of every word that comes out. So it's also a bonding experience really.

just wanted to thank OP for the daily tasks! i've been having severe bouts of maladaptive daydreaming lately (lasting 30-50 minutes, multiple times a day), but i'm managing to stay grounded and productive, little by little - the kind words in this thread really help!

Holy crap I did not realize how much trash was in my house. I thought my whole bedroom would be like 6, maybe 8 bags tops. I’ve put out 12 and it’s not even half way done. I feel bad for my neighbors since the bins are shared and I’ve been filling most of them for two weeks straight.

>>41067615
Let me start by saying it’s great that all of that trash that was in your room has been thrown away. I’m sure your neighbors wouldn’t want you to keep all that trash in your room any longer than you did, even if throwing it out might cause them some inconvenience.

If you do want to ease the pressure on your shared bin, maybe you could take some trash directly to a dump yourself? There might even be a way to rent a dumpster or truck from a cleaning service.

>>41068099
Oh yeah I’m all right. I was just genuinely surprised.

>>41040523
>With your family out of the picture, do you have other people in your life that support you? What were your general circumstances like?

I have a friend group but they're all from much better off backgrounds than I am so even if they try to be nice they don't really get it. Only friend I really related to is now one of my friends ex and the rest of the group hates them for a lot of behaviors/tendencies that I also have so I feel pretty distant from them honestly especially now. Currently trying to save for my own vehicle so I'm not as stuck but still regardless my job is pretty dead end and I just don't really have much in terms of options.
I know it's probably a bad thing to say but I wish I would've succeeded in ending it when I was a teen atleast my family would remember me as the boy they wanted me to be instead of hating me for wanting to be a girl

Going to clean my room tomorrow I think (well later today, night shifts have my sleep messed up still).
Just kinda feeling sad about how isolated I am currently and the feeling that I'm wasting my time pursuing this job still (I mean seriously it's a tranner trying to join the military for fucks sake).
Like I don't think I can realistically stealth boymode for another 12 months so I wonder what i'm even doing, and frankly I think cutting my hair short again would cause a fair amount of distress. That and this job is enforcing my social isolation because I can't just be open about myself in the places I want to be.
I keep hinting to my parents that I'm trans but they've yet to connect the dots (they know i'm getting laser, told them I've done hormone tests etc) so I figure I must still look like a man and that's kind of painful.

At least i'm starting to workout consistently again. I dont want to think about weight loss but i'm stuck around 162lb (5'7) and i'm at the point where body fat redistribution should start to kick in on HRT so I kinda think I need to drop to 155-150lb and start cycling weight (not easy to do with the other stuff i've got going on either)
>>41065721
I'd say minimum 1300kcal, that's what I was doing at a similar BMI with sort of 1-2 hours cycling at about that frequency.

>>41068589
Oh I forgot, i did actually do bloodwork finally.
Basically everything is fine, prolactin is high, because cypro.
E was sat at pretty much exactly 200pgml (about 4 days late on injection so very much at trough) and T was nuked.
I'm off cypro this month and i've dropped my dose slightly (by accident) because I'm needing to tune in my HRT as I wont be able to do daily meds soon.

made it 3 days without cutting. yay me

>>41068716
good job anon!

>>41068716
That's very good, Anon.

pg 8 bump

>>41068716
Replace it with the fitness type of cutting.

Getting your shit together is pretty tough, actually.

>>41066140
Oh you know I just remembered it might be relevant, I've been taking creatine since I've started working out, and I heard that can make you retain water. Maybe I'm losing fat but just retaining a ton of water?
>>41068589
Yeah 1000 calories is torture I'm so fucking hungry

>>41072378
There is a good chance of that, yes. If you are working out it might also be muscle buildup compensating.

My life is so meaningless
I have no aspiration
I’m moving on pure momentum but I’m running out
No education dead end job no friends, everyone pities me or is weirded out by my closeted tranny brain
What am I supposed to do?
I feel nothing constantly.

>>41074113
Same, I'm that age I should be considering what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I just have no clue. I feel paralyzed.

Ah fuck, not doing well today. Updates tomorrow..

>>41074391
Rest easy anon

BUMP

Guess I’m genuinely not ok tonight huh
I need to sleep
Why must I suffer
Ugh
Suicidal is bad
Oh well!!!!!!!!!
It doesn’t matter

>hear back from the motorcycle shop finally
>Suddenly feel very very sick.
Why must my body be like this. This is like the worst congested headache and shortness of breath I have had in forever.

i got a haircut but didnt like it :(

>>41078511
I know from haircut disappointment, and I’m sure you and I are in good company here.

If you want to elaborate, let me ask you: Did you get what you asked for but it didn’t make you feel the way you wanted it to? Did the person cutting your hair not do what you asked? Or did you get a boymode haircut?

I’ve experienced all three, and they’re all tough, but in different ways.

>>41074391
It's all good, take your time.

bump

Just ordered a cheap sonicare toothbrush, my teeth are fucked up from years of neglect.
I've been trying to floss and brush daily in the meantime but sometimes I'll either forget or can't do it and I'll wake up feeling like shit and hating myself

>>41078788
a mix of 1 and 3. i'm a boymoder but i had a more feminine haircut in mind and a reference pic of a woman to show them. but when i sat in the salon chair and saw my face on the mirror i got very depressed and just asked to cut the split ends and to fix my bangs without losing much length. i thought just that would be enough to look a bit more feminine but i just look like a twink, which is the same as before but with a less fucked up hair. its ok because it was my fault i was too coward as always. in 5 months i try again and i hope my face will be just a little more feminine by then so i dont go through this again..

My vials will be in my faves tmr
I hope that fixes my insanity

bump
Don't quote me but I think I'm depressed.

>>41081937
It’s very common for people to put way too much pressure on a haircut and expect it to change more about our appearance and self-image than a haircut can change.

Making peace with that is one thing you can do now, but it’s not the only thing. Are you doing anything with makeup? It’s very possible to do things with makeup that look natural and feminize your appearance. I realize that’s not going to fix everything you dislike about your appearance, but it’s something proactive you can do between now and your next haircut.

Can’t stop myself from being full of hate that comes from self hate

Alright, that much is for sure, I won't manage replying to everyone
today. But I'll definitely make a dent. Let's start with Mo-Tue.

>>41041772
Oh don't worry, my mind went more to in the direction of hearing about your goals, so your answer pretty much nailed it! You're doing great then from what I can tell, very good start. If you want any advice (or just share roadblocks/successes), we're here for you, cheering you on. You got this! Just make sure to prioritize sustainable weight loss over fast weight loss. I'll hit the gym again eventually too, I think. It's always inspiring seeing anons do it.>>41041802
So your overall goal is stretching exercises for more flexibility/generally well being? Awesome!
>>41042227
Happy to hear you had a lovely weekend!.. And it's almost weekend again already? Goodness, my week just FLEW by. I meal prepped on Monday for the next 3 days and honestly am excited to have something slightly different tomorrow.
>its just about privacy and getting our own space without risking people walking over every half hour.
Oh I absolutely get it, just having a place to set a mood, some quality time as a couple.
>>41043016
I can only imagine, yeah. You mentioned in a later post that you were about to miss a couple deadlines, and that's okay. Yes, it sucks, and you are very justified in feeling betrayed. Of course, it could be that they have been hit by sudden budget cuts and had to juggle, but they still lacked transparency one would expect in such a situation. Hope to hear from you again soon, it sounded like Tanjinon was a lot of help to you!
>CAD and modeling stuff, mostly architectural and mechanical design
Disregarding that it is a class, do you enjoy the subject matter for its own sake? I ask because I wouldn't want you to deny yourself something you like.
>>41044103
Wishing you all the best, Anon. What are your diet plans?

I gotta get my shit together this weekend, this life rotting is getting downright pathetic.

>>41044103
>41085031
>Anon
Carina I mean, my bad!
>>41050790
Exactly! And people like you make this general what it is.
>>41050556
I am glad you spoke up, Anon. It's a devastating set of circumstances, there is no point in trying to sugarcoat that. I am sorry it got so bad, and besides the drama and the attempts I would like to focus on a couple points for now. I understand that you on some level wanna give up. It is difficult, and hurts.. but you also weren't meant to go through all this alone, either. Nobody is. For now I am glad you are alive. And I would like you to feel welcome here.
>I met with another friend out of texas, when I came back I only went deeper into depression
How was the meeting itself? Was the depression because it is so much worse where you live?
>I can't put on weight for more than 2 weeks at a time, Ive been plateauing at the same weight for this past year
I would love to discuss that with you, I understand that it must be hellish, with dysphoria and all in the mix. I assume you're mtf? How are you approaching weight gain?
>I might be going truly insane.
>but then things feel inexplicably better the next day (after crying)
Well, crying is emotional catharsis and even though I am not qualified to speak about personality disorders I can tell you that even I, a nominally healthy person in his early 30s, have noticed my emotional state being dangerously tied to my health. A night of bad sleep, or skipping a meal, or lacking vitamins, all these things in the past have caused me (and others I know) to spiral. There are many things that affect us insidiously and we can try to work through them with you.
>>41055154
Wheat berries are essentially whole grains of wheat that are prepared as you would risotto or plov, that is you cook them in a stock usually with veggies and whatever else you fancy. Farro is the same but from a different grain of the same name! I like both.

>>41054655
My own story in the next two years will revolve a lot around letting go, I feel. I alluded to in the past, I think. Be it academia, deaths, life circumstances.. I feel like my story is mostly that of biding my time for now, though.
>I tried making cornflake brittle with half pecans and walnuts mixed in. It turned out great, but in the future I’m going to incorporate the nuts in smaller pieces.
Speaking of nuts, I haven't had hazelnuts in forever.. sudden craving for some.
>>41055071
>It's confusing.
I can imagine, and I am glad you have external memory to rely on. I myself have memory issues but not like that, still.. I assume the dissociative state renders it more bewildering than scary, at least. It is a more than just difficult set of circumstances. And I hope I can sometimes make you feel, if not a bit understood, then at least seen and appreciated.
>yes. they're going to try out a few things over the next year or two and then theyre going to let me go.
let you go? As in, give up on the treatment or something?.. I am sorry I have to ask so bluntly, I just don't want to make assumptions.
>>41055265
>And maybe that's my issue, not being able to accept my own mistakes as useful in any way.
Yes, after all, mistakes are a necessary byproduct of the learning process. You can play the same game you just did from a teacher/student perspective. On some level, it can be more beneficial to exercise something a whole lot making a whole lot of initial mistakes than doing it perfectly a small number of times. There is nuance to this granted but.. for the sake of rationalization it's worth dwelling on right?
>"that person is strange"
>falling short of expectation.
Okay, let's dig. Try to think what kind of thoughts such a person would then have, what you really fear about these things. And.. if you heard someone judging someone ELSE as harshly as you expect people to, wouldn't you find it a bit.. mean?

>>41055154
Also, I absolutely love bulgur, couscous and the like. I enjoy most kinds of semolina type dishes.
>>41056619
You did great, Anon. These initial steps are the most important. You are on the right track and I'm very proud of you..
>>41058496
Oh wonderful, Anon! I hope you get to treat yourself to that again soon! What do your weekends usually look like? Saturday is the day I do these kinds of things.. it helps me a great deal.
>>41057446
I believe I do, yes. I get that you don't wanna be spotted by someone you know, so to say.
I'm happy to be there for you, in what little ways I can. Self worth/love.. hm. Internalizing external stuff can be hard. As someone who still flinches from sudden movements even 20 years later I must admit I have made some personal experience on that front, including the same hate and the feeling unlovable. I don't have specific resources for it, though it is perhaps worth browsing the yt channels we link about trauma and attachment patterns to address some facets.
>I have trouble with vulnerability because I fear others seeing me for who I actually am and potentially rejecting me for it.
One thing we DO have a worksheet for I believe is on the concept of radical openness, and this is my own personal coping mechanism too. I externalize these fears to people I trust, and try to openly express worries of this sort. Especially early on I decided that I can't be trusted with knowing when to shut up cause my answer would always be "immediately" which led nowhere. Also, asking about people's actual expectations can be eye opening because we project odd expectations we have of ourselves onto others a lot in my experience. Of course all these things are far bigger steps but I want to hear your thoughts on them if you are up for it.
>I also started therapy last week, my second appointment is tomorrow
That's great to hear, Anon! I would love to hear how it went. And thank *you* for speaking up. Opening up is the lifeblood of this place.

>>41060144
>>41059089
>I see, I worry that I may be overwhelming to people at times when I ask too many questions though.
>But I will try to pace myself and show proper interest.
Exactly. And besides, if you give people time to respond, you give them time to end the conversation on their own terms. I wouldn't worry as much, hence.
You are doing great, bunon.
>>41057643
Really gotta pick this show back up, but yes I like that pic too, thank you! Those are great news Z, do keep me posted about how it goes.
>>41059099
Oh you are spot on, it's just an escalation of the "low bar" goal. I think I will adjust the text a bit, thank you!
>>41059147
I would say 10-16 pages, usually including a cover page and a credits page, so 9-15 pages of content.
>how do I stop feeling like I'm wasting away?
How does your daily schedule look? Do the days blend into each other?
>>41059378
Going entirely off memory I believe we had comparably few, relative to OCD especially, unfortunately. Our ocpd resources are sparse to nonexistent for now.. I heard CBT can be effective against it, are you being treated for it presently? Is it an option?

I need hygiene help
Do I need different towels for every body part to use after showering? And every time I shower I use one for my feet, one for the ass, my face, my thing etc? And then throw them in the washing machine and use different ones the next day and so forth?

>>41087267
I use the same towel for all my parts and wash it once maybe every 6 months

>>41087267
I use one towel for hair and one for body, replacing it weekly.
I use the hair one for my face as well

>>41087267
one for hair and face and one for body

Sorry about the late reply but yea I am the one with OCD. I’m going to report that person because they are not going to stop and if more people see this they would get in trouble for not knowing. If I didn’t get cold feet I would have done it but I got scared. I keep reporting them on twitter hoping for that shit to get taken down already, but the way things are stuff like this is going to keep happening and won’t be stopped. I’m going to file a report with the NCMEC because it looks like the only way for things like this to get taken down is by reporting to the higher ups. It’s the only way because nothing is else being done and the worse part about all of this is I don’t think the situation is going to get better because more people are probably going to be exposed to that stuff without even knowing because there really isn’t any regulation anymore.

I think I've finally figured out what's been going on with me for the last ten years. I had a massive identity crisis. Like, I cannot put it into words. It got so bad that it pushed me into psychosis three times. I think I'm finally starting to overcome it. Maybe I already have to some degree. But it still messes with me then and again.

Bump donations

>>41086571
>What do your weekends usually look like? Saturday is the day I do these kinds of things.. it helps me a great deal.
work work work
im picking all the extra hours I can money is thin between utility bills, daily expenses, some leisure items and my stupid transition(failing but no the point rn)
sundays when I sit down I just sleep half the day lol!
Anyway i did it again today.
no food though.

>>41025819 (OP)
Rough update for now, since I'm trying not to spiral anymore:

>I'm gonna visit my family back on the 24 October, and stay with them for a while to get my head right again
>Then I need to decide whether to come back to Australia or struggle in my home country for work
>Completed a lot of training here at least
>No luck with a follow-up job
>I plan to get into online teaching, IT consultancy or something remote to make extra cash somehow
>Also, the house *might* be sold sometime within a year from now or the 1st September 2026 next year
>I've made peace with the fact I won't be able to rely on family forever, or for very long and I decided to take life seriously on the 26 September 2025

That's all I can say for now, I gotta take care of some tasks and my head's a mess.
At least I got these few points out.

I hope you all have a pleasant weekend.

>>41093495
tank you

>>41086777
Noted. I can probably do that.
But this weekend I need to pick up my honda rebel from the dealership after repairs and make sure I get home safe.
I'M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW, IT HAS BEEN 4 MONTHS AND I ONLY KINDA REMEMBER HOW TO RIDE.

byump

bump. let someone know you care about them, i’m sure he knew but i wish i could’ve told him again

Feel kinda sad that I didn't hold off on HRT. Sure, I'd have kept masculinising, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with the stress of it, and if I'm nowhere near feeling happy going outside girlmoding, then what was even the point?
Feels like I've doomed myself to a downwards trajectory for no gain. I just want to live

I visited my boyfriend and am back home again. I'm thankful for his patience.

I went on a 6.1 km estrojog this morning. My average estropace was 5:35 min/km. I did not jog my usual 10k because my feet and lower legs felt kind of sketchy. I still only run 3 times per week.
I just went on an estronightwalk to get my 10k estrosteps.

I'm considering stopping estrogen again; always anxious about hormones and getting old. My body makes me feel sad and hopeless.
Either:
- stop diy but be worried about T again, but hopefully healthier, having to withstand the urge to start E again once my galls (girl balls) get bigger
- continue diy, accept health scares and risks, keep having secrets, more medical "discrimination", keep being less healthy, more dependent (on diy vendors), accept being objectively less attractive on E while having fewer worries about T

Maybe continuing E was a sunk cost fallacy. Have been taking it for like 4 years with some breaks. I think I regressed in terms of skin, my breasts also stopped growing after the initial spurt.

I got my hair cut shoulder length recently. It feels like it's about half it's length now.

>>41094306
>Then I need to decide whether to come back to Australia
Did you like living in Australia? How long had you been living there, and was it in a big city?
>I hope you all have a pleasant weekend.
Thank you, you too!

>>41097516
Very relatable. How long have you been on HRT? Like 4 years for me and I am considering just stopping. They don't think it be like it is but it do.

Let's see how close to catching up I get today. I know I gotta make about 3 posts to progress.
>>41060984
Awesome, anon! It always makes me smile to see people get something out of that post.
>>41063531
Wanna talk about it? Pick your brain a little?
>>41062892
>I want to do more with my day but I have zero energy.
I fully understand that, and I gotta hammer home the very crucial point of this whole self improvement thing being about building momentum. So the biggest hurdles are actually most often those early on, and require many small steps. Especially in the beginning that means managing ONE thing a day on average, roughly, is a key step to all this. I am sorry you are going through all this and that contemporary politics are a constant chimpout you have to suffer through in real life. I want you to know that I am absolutely rooting for you, and will extend whatever words of compassion, support and advice I can to you, as often as you need them. Alcohol withdrawal can be a bitch, I assume you are acquainted with it enough that you know how to do it medically safely? Also, I assume one thing that will be on the list is getting rid of stressors and surround you with accepting people you can be comfortably out to.. But, baby steps.
>>41063615
I am sorry to hear, Anon. It sucks when shitty things outside of our control come crashing down on us like that, and even though you aren't comfortable sharing what happened I am glad you made it out of it. It sounds like it was rough, and you did your best to keep it together in spite of that. That's worthy of recognition, I feel. You have my sympathy.
>>41066312
>just wanted to thank OP for the daily tasks!
A pleasure, always happy to provide. I also take suggestions!
>the kind words in this thread really help!
We are all facing tough, deeply personal battles. It does brighten my day a little to get to cheer people on, I find it rewarding and your sweet words of thanks reach and motivate me. I think it's mutual like that.

>>41065682
>where was the part where i was supposed to meet people and feel like im really alive, i just want to feel like i exist.
It can be constructed, though the specifics can change from person to person. If you want a super quick intro to what kinda things we should probably look into for you, check out the video on sources of misery and the loneliness one in the resources. In short, we will have to see what places you can easily access outdoors are a good place for you to meet people and spend time.
>>41067615
It is shocking just HOW much can fit in a room. I was a very messy teen, think handwritten notes and empty soda bottles covering the entire floor. We have bottle deposits in my country and I remember once having made 50-80 bucks with a single load of bottles.. which is anywhere from 2-400 empty bottles. It's crazy, the room wasn't even that big.
>>41068543
>even if they try to be nice they don't really get it.
Ah, you don't feel like they can really relate because of their own more sheltered background, and that creates some distance between you that makes it hard to really reach the emotional depth to properly talk about these things, I understand. You probably yearn for someone who at least has seen enough to make you feel understood. It's hard. It's one of the reasons this general exists you know? I hope it makes it all a little less lonely. But you are out to them, right?
>Currently trying to save for my own vehicle so I'm not as stuck but still regardless my job is pretty dead end and I just don't really have much in terms of options.
I see, how is the general area? Would you generally wanna move (maybe too hostile or rural)?
>I know it's probably a bad thing to say
Hey, getting those feelings out is better than letting them fester, if they keep cropping up the better thing to do might be to either distract or challenge, but no it's not a bad thing to say.
>>41071853
It absolutely is, the words in the OP are chosen comparably carefully, heh.

>>41068716
Well done, I'm proud of you! I hope you don't mind me encouraging you to keep us posted no matter what!
>>41078126
Fucking hell.. how are you doing now, Layrinn?
>>41081290
Well done, Anon! I understand that you get upset at that as you wish yourself to a higher standard, and that is sensible, worthwhile. But remember that beating ourselves up tends to just punish us for trying rather than make us more productive. So these feelings of self hate are often misdirected, which makes it difficult to cope with since indulging them makes things worse. But remember, it's only about the moving average, so occasional "outages" (esp in the beginning) are all part of the process and expected.
>>41068589
>>41068605
Heya, Navy! Hope the room cleaning progressed tolerably!
>Like I don't think I can realistically stealth boymode for another 12 months so I wonder what i'm even doing, and frankly I think cutting my hair short again would cause a fair amount of distress. That and this job is enforcing my social isolation because I can't just be open about myself in the places I want to be.
Is there a time limit to the gag order, by the way? Also, speaking from personal experience, that frustration you feel now will make it easier letting go should things not work out. You will find something you will find worthwhile, no matter what.
>so I figure I must still look like a man and that's kind of painful.
I know people with parents that still don't get it when they pass. It's just not always something that people really take into consideration, and some just don't wanna think about it.
It also sounds like plenty of things are going well on your end, which is nice to hear.
>Basically everything is fine, prolactin is high, because cypro.
Glad to hear as well!

>>41077160
>>41083856
Sometimes the only coping mechanisms we are left with is sleep. I had a night like that too on Wednesday I believe. I hope you feel a bit better now, A.
>>41079245
>>41074416
Thank you for your patience, by the way..
>>41093514
Ohh, yeah I get it. Existential matters like money being tight are high on the priority list. I do think there is nothing wrong with getting a good amount of sleep in afterwards, though if you allow me a suggestion, try to create yourself a self care related tradition. Sunday might be a good candidate. Maybe a nice breakfast outside after a long, restful sleep? Or walks? It doesn't have to be on the weekend but something like that has the benefit of becoming something you just do, something that becomes part of your identity in a way. You might really enjoy it.

Alright I'm fried. I need a break.
>>41085209
What's on the agenda for the weekend, Anon?
>>41090581
It's alright, Anon. I know you are doing your best. You are not a bad person, I want you to know that.
>>41063834
>>41094306
Thank you so much for the continued updates btw, bunon.
It is good you have a structured approach to things, and I hope the visit will be pleasant, I am sure we are gonna talk plenty until then. Let me just reiterate that I think you are doing great.
>>41094347
Hey Layrinn! I understand that that must be scary, you're not the first driver I know who was in a situation like this and I hope it is at least a bit reassuring to hear that behind the wheel you will feel muscle memory taking over you forgot you had. Of course it still pays to drive carefully, but I am confident you will feel better once you are actually in the situation since your mind will be too busy to torture you with hypotheticals.
>>41092687
A breakthrough! That's wonderful to hear. Many anons I have talked to have had to overcome years of paralysis to even begin that journey. They - and you - are not late. It really is that hard sometimes. Don't take you second guessing and occasionally stumbling as regression; it's part of the process. Remember, it's trial and ERROR, not success and success. What is it that you wish to do next?

>>41094315
And thank you for your patronage

working long hours. remembering more of whats happening around me again. I'm embarrassed. workout and more work tomorrow, also workout and more work sunday, then doctors, followed by workouts or work.
i need to rethink how Im rewarding myself but my selfworth is worse than usual and I barely rememeber the rewards anyway

>>41085711
>farro
that I know (also yummy). Big fan of polenta and savoury porridges too. cost efficient and filling
>>41086208
>let you go? As in, give up on the treatment or something?
Yes. I get X amount of hours spread out over a year, and get X amount of meds to try out, if none of it works my case is marked as completed.

lump?

good night /sig/

I feel bad because my entire motivation behind awful because my entire motivation behind self improvement is the promise of sexual gratification down the line maybe.
Its just nasty and you should be doing things for yourself but i only ever clean or exercise bc i imagine future romantic prospects being disgusted with the state of me.

Bump

Walked 10000 estrosteps. It takes me about 1 hour and 30 minutes. What do I do now? It's only like 10 am. I feel so trapped and lonely.

>>41103201
In the end, there's nothing really wrong with desiring sexual gratification. Most people are not honest/open about it, but sexuality and romance are probably strong motivators for many.
It's also possible to sublimate sexuality and desire. A lot of high art is pretty sexual tbhon, I mean look at the greeks.
I went to a museum with a big collection of ancient greek/roman sculptures which appealed to my gay male fantasy. Made me feel kind of aroused at times.

What're estrosteps?

>>41103201
Wow just re-read this. Such a mess of a message. Wrote it at 5AM sowwy.
>>41103926
I guess so. The issue is that it doesnt mix well with all of the other stuff i have going on. Prolly bc of sexual frustration but it's like a cancerous outgrowth on the side of my mind as opposed to a neatly integrated part of the whole working in symbiosis.

>>41103044
nighty night

>>41100175
:3

>>41103201
>tfw reminded of all those anons in >>>/d/analgen that went on a self-improvement journey to be better at butt stuff
In my book it's OK to use things that work (as long as it's not doing bad things to others). So what you're doing at the moment is a fantastic strategy to get and keep you going, and later down the line if you find other motivators, you can mix those in too.

>>41098518
Motorcycle
>>41098288
I feel my sinuses about to explode while I wait on my bike to get a frame slider installed and a vehicle inspection done.

>>41098518
>Thank you so much for the continued updates btw, bunon
You are welcome, I hope I'm making sense, I appreciate your perspective a lot :)

>It is good you have a structured approach to things, and I hope the visit will be pleasant
Thank you, I'm taking my life more seriously so I live a more structured lifestyle from now on.
I wanna live a good life, somehow.
I hope the visit will be pleasant as well although there will still be a lot to do.

>I am sure we are gonna talk plenty until then
I have a lot more to say and mention but I'll be able to do so better after some more sleep at my disposal.
Family life is a mess, money is bad, trying not to freak out.

>Let me just reiterate that I think you are doing great
Thank you a ton, Siganon. I really do appreciate it.

>>41102192
thump

>>41097720
>Did you like living in Australia?
Yeah, it's a complicated question I wanna break down later but yes it's been interesting.

The quality of life here is what I was hoping for from a 1st world country.
My lack of finding gainful employment has sucked though, so I'm a little bummed by it.
I can't do much in a 1st world country without a job, a career or any amount of money.
I'm disappointed in myself.

>How long had you been living there,
I've been here since March the 24th, around 6 months then I think.

>and was it in a big city?
I'm staying in a mining town roughly 9hours away from the closest city.

>Thank you, you too!
:)

I really wanna answer your questions properly but I'm super tired at the moment, will followup decently when I can.

>>41103201
At least you can be honest about your first motivations for improvements.

>>41086208
I realize now I should have been more specific. I can remind myself that most people wouldn't think poorly of me based on my appearance; what scares me more is what happens once I actually meet someone and they find out I'm a complete NEET with minimal social ability.

Ate too much again. Fuck my worthless fatcel life

>>41108176
Same. Baked cookies cause i made it back with my bike. I did however forget how traffic works and almost spattered myself .

need to start eating better for my heart

>>41103201
If ever there was a post I felt I needed to respond to, it’s this one.

You told us two things: That your motivation to take better care of yourself is to get the kind of partner and sex you crave, and that you feel bad about that.

You were told that’s not such a terrible motivation and in >>41103467 you said you still feel kind of bad about it.

I’ve had very similar experiences and feelings. The thing that finally motivated me to start taking better care of myself was remembering how cool I thought Panty from Panty & Stocking was when I first started questioning my gender.

I think going back to that inspiration and letting it guide me again was a good thing. But I think questioning it was good for me too.

What if you feel bad about self-improving to pull the kind of relationship you want, the sex you want, because you know you’re selling yourself short? That you can be more than a fantastic lay and top-shelf arm candy?

You can have sex and get into a good relationship and that doesn’t have to be all you want. There’s definitely a system that wants you to pigeonhole yourself like that, but maybe they’re wrong for making you feel that way. Maybe you feel bad because you know that, but you’re scared to admit it because that means the system that’s got control of most of the board is rotten. That’s scary to think about, but you’ve got all the time you need to chew on it.

Just my two cents. I hope somebody finds this post helpful.