>>41322298 (OP)
>Is transgenderism just a pipeline for autistic young men to find identity?
Kinda for some people
>>41322376
Think this is me honestly. I was literally completely bereft of identity. I constructed a couple before this. This feels equally constructed. Now I find myself, years into healing finding small shreds of authentic self. But in a body that was at first altered into a muscular form when I was leaning into hyper masculinity as a teen. And now altered into some sort of androgyny from several years of attempted transition.
One time I remember I was younger. I had this realisation that "I think I've figured myself, I'm amorphous" I wasn't thinking about gender or anything. Just the way I'd change to mold myself to any situation. The fact there's no real self at the centre of it. I thought that that core nothingness might be my true self. Maybe I was onto something. Maybe all identity is constructed.
Sometimes I think about people from secure backgrounds who had their sense of self validated and reinforced by their caregivers. Must be strange to be them. They are how they are. Like they don't have a choice. But like it's not a bad thing.
Then I think about people who come from bad places who had to construct a self to stay safe. Maybe that's what I did idk.
But then when you're left with a lack of self it's hard to disentangle what's people pleasing, and safety seeking and validation of suffering and cope for failure and poor behaviour all other psychological tricks and turns and what's authentic. At the moment I'm generally pointing my sense of self towards a kind of love and stability and reliableness. If I'm to construct an ideal self it would look like that. And it feels good to be that person. But I am still finding it hard to believe in the purity of that goodness. If all of my other selves thus far have been constructed. When I'm being more honest with myself I'm selfish too. But I don't wanna put a value judgement on that. Self is confusing.
