Thread 41347746

>start hrt by myself at 15
>very cute boymoder
>never going to go through male puberty
>going to go stealth by end of highschool
>get taken off hrt
>restart
>get taken off hrt
>restart, run away from home
>homeless teenager sent to psych ward
>whatever
>move back in with parents
>restart
>get taken off hrt
>catatonic depression
>drop out of school
>get put in psych ward for long term stay
>"index event"
>give up on life fully
>don't restart hrt again
>total mental illness soup
>wish i could transition but feel powerless
>years go by rotting
>recover enough to book doctors appointments
>start estrogen
>can't pass anymore

i wish i had been strong enough to keep fighting back then. after i got out of the psychward i was older and had money and freedom, so they couldn't have stopped me again if i bought diy again. i even taught friends in school how to buy it. but transitioning felt twisted and toxic and i was drowning in trauma, even though it was all i wanted. i could have been a girl. fuck my stupid raped life.

>>41347746 (OP)

nice blogpost bro

>>41347746 (OP)
Faggot kys

>>41347778
i'm sorry

>>41347786
i'm sorry

>>41347746 (OP)
You deserve better nona, This world is far too cruel

>>41347746 (OP)
what about it felt twisted and toxic? also ignore these stupid faggots you deserve the life that has been taken away from you

>>41347816
You don't have anything to be sorry about OP, it's very brave to tell your story and make yourself vulnerable. Don't let the toxicity of others bring you down and believe in yourself

>>41347746 (OP)
:(
life is so sad sometimes nona. i hope you can find peace with yourself. *hugs*

>>41347816
Suck my smegma caked dick instead of being sorry, im fucking horny right now you filthy little slut

>>41347746 (OP)
im so sorry. i hope you can find some form of peace whether that be in life or death. no one deserves this happening to them

>>41347885
whats the source for that smoking hot shota rape clip? i feel like cooming

>>41347948
^Average phoboid.

>>41347746 (OP)
We're all raped by this life, not to downplay what you've been through, I know it's more than most people could handle at all, but the raped can always find love and be loved

>>41347746 (OP)
You ruined your parents' lives, you selfish piece of shit. All because of what, a neurotic obsession with crossdressing? Congrats on sterilizing yourself as well, so worth it!
>>41347817
>>41347822
>>41347849
>>41347898
>destroy his relationship with his parents because of a fetish
>he is the victim
Troon world is something else

>>41348428
*ahem* the
RAPED
fucking retard kys stop acting like parents are worth shit when they dont support who you are kel rolf lol lmao
u got this nono went through the same shit and im still on it you can do it

>>41348428
I just pissed on Kirk grave bozo

>>41347822
i think the main thing though was trauma. starting hrt became a trauma trigger for me. it was connected to being hospitalised, the abuse that happened to me there, being made homeless, being raped, starting and restarting endlessly. my body being violated and loss of control... i couldn't take action because i couldn't stay in a clear state of mind about it. i wanted to be a woman, i just couldn't act. i was also force medicated in the hospital so taking medicine itself became a trauma trigger for me, which was a huge issue because it made me scared of the pills. i was rotting and losing so much time and the time felt like nothing. i think i had a dissociative disorder from everything.

also, on the flipside, i think i got broken so much, i got delusional about puberty. i was like, it's all already over for me, so i didn't realise just how much worse it could get. my body was alien to me. i lost a lot of urgency about needing to start hrt while i was still 16 or 17. i had never seen a mid teens transitioner irl so i didnt realise how big a difference it would make for me.

i was in the psych ward a long time and masculinised a lot, and was told i wasn't allowed to transition and everyone always used my dead name. so, the dysphoria got so bad i couldn't cope anymore, and in a way that made me helpless. "it's all over, i failed, i'll never pass". thinking about transitioning made me feel like being a disgusting monster, like literally twisted and mutilated. worse than just not passing, i was having like, delirious nightmares about being deformed by testosterone.

i want the life where i kept my hrt at 15 so bad.

>>41348374
>>41347849
>>41347898
thank you nonas. i don't know how i can find peace looking like this. especially knowing how happy i would be with my body if i hadn't had my hrt taken from me, and especially if i hadn't given up and restarted after the psych ward stay. maybe if i pass i can find peace in this lifetime.

>>41349906
I'm sorry I don't really share your experience; I do know a trans woman who dropped out of school, was using to heroin for years, truly difficult things like that, and who is an accomplished musician, a much-loved figure of our community, and would probably be able to offer better insight than me when it comes to overcoming those things. I feel like I have faced very little compared to what others have gone through and I truly, deeply admire them for that, including you. Even when as things are now, I think just surviving takes great strength.
But I think for rn you're held back by this what-if and the belief of less-than. Those words are from someone else, not from you

>>41350749
who is it?

i guess i'm holding myself back, but, how can i not think about what should have happened? and how can i not feel less than the version of me that ended up passing...

>>41352639
Janie Danger, ig she talks about it in interviews so she wouldn't care about being mentioned. She's touring with John Maus rn.
I think that like, while she's pretty, her real confidence comes from knowing, from her life experience, from conviction and having real beliefs. I think that level of knowing yourself is more important than passing, or at least that it all follows from there. I think even if you pass anatomically, if you don't have the knowledge of yourself, you'll still appear 'off', in a less tangible way. I just think you need to work on yourself in that way, above all else.