Thread 24577426

Will one of you PLEASE just tell me my poetry sucks and that I should an hero so I can give up writing it for good. Please and thank you

Silver knuckle debtors
knock on broken doors.
Sunshine face reporters
wear rattlesnake perfume.

Down in California,
horses speak in hymns.
Back in Alabama,
lizards feed on knees.

Helicopter bodies
missing rows of teeth.
Armless shoe shop angels
drinking poison prayers.

>>24577426 (OP)
>Down in California,
>horses speak in hymns.
this is good
>Back in Alabama,
>lizards feed on knees.
this is odd

>>24577433
Bad odd? Should the lines be replaced?
Thank you for responding btw, I can never get anyone to comment on my poems and so I have no idea if they are terrible or mediocre or have potential.

>>24577426 (OP)
There's no reason to not put this nice little poem into a song.

>>24577445
Does this mean it's bad? Someone told me my poems sound like song lyrics in the past and they meant it negatively.

>>24577447
No, it's decent. But then again I hold folk poetry in high regard.

>>24577459
Thank you my friend, you have no idea how much I appreciate your words. I would have equally appreciated it if your feedback was negative, to be clear, but this obviously feels better lol.

>>24577471
kek, thanks anon. I did ask for it

>>24577474
I immediately started reading your lines in a laid-back circa 70 dylan sorta way. Make of that what you will.

>>24577514
Hmm. I do love Dylan but I can't play guitar or sing so I probably want to try to find a different voice if I'm gonna do written poetry.
Still, a wonderful thing to hear nonetheless

>>24577426 (OP)
could be a blues song
e.g.
Silver knuckle debtors knock on broken doors.
Silver knuckle debtors knock on broken doors.
Sunshine face reporters wear rattlesnake perfume.

Down in California, horses speak in hymns.
Down in California, horses speak in hymns.
Back in Alabama, lizards feed on knees.

Helicopter bodies missing rows of teeth.
Helicopter bodies missing rows of teeth.
Armless shoe shop angels drinking poison prayers.

now you only need to slap it until it sounds good and add some salt and pepa, take it out in the desert, piss on it, leave it there for three days and it's done

u'r welcome now u can kys

>>24577552
Goddamn it now I do want to kms. I have no musical talent whatsoever, so I can't use my poetry as song lyrics. My writing is all I have.

>>24577554
do you think people who sang the blues had any musical talent whatsoever? the first one who had (Robert Johnson) played with his back to the crowd so they won't steal his guitar tricks lol

>>24577554
stop being so overdramatic. the blues is some of the most simple music to play, and as indie folk/blues dudes from the 2000s have proven, you don't need to be talented to do it either. that's if you want it to become a song. otherwise, you could continue to write these sing songy poems for your own sake. are you not writing poetry so you could make sense of yourself and the world surrounding you? there's no need to panic.

>>24577568
>do you think people who sang the blues had any musical talent whatsoever?
Lmao beat me to it

>>24577568
>>24577570
Alright, I'll relax. I still want to try to improve my poetry but if it keeps coming out like song lyrics I guess I'll be forced to learn the blues.

Thanks for the feedback anon(s). It's nice to at least know why other people aren't responding to my work the way I want them to.

>>24577574
don't feel forced to do anything. if anything, it should just flow according to who, how, where, and what you are, and want to be/want to go.
the key is to just try, accept whatever the outcome is, and continue marching forward. good luck.

needs a couplet at the end or a chorus or something

>>24577574
write on!

>>24577578
>>24577581
Thank you very much my friends. With any luck, in ten years you may either see a published collection of my poems in a bookstore OR you may hear me crooning the blues on your local radio station. More likely, I will die in obscurity.

>>24577580
Good point, it does feel incomplete. I never thought about finishing it off with a couplet, but that'd probably do the trick.

>>24577426 (OP)
I'm not a poetryfag but you're doing better than 99% of today's poets just by adhering to a metrical scheme at all. As other anons have said, this poem is very catchy, even musical. But if you're not a musician, don't try to be one. Lyricism and musical composition are different arts.

Your lines are quite clean and concise. Your images are vivid and pointed enough to convey ideas without being too obvious. There are scenes of poverty, of mass media hacks, and of local mysticism that blend together to produce an impression of uniquely American social decay without coming off as kitsch.

Anons better versed in poetry can critique you better, and have. Mainly I write this all to say that your verse is nothing to be ashamed off and that you shouldn't an hero. Because if you do, I'll have to rape your corpse. And I don't want to do that because I'm not a gay necrophile. So keep writing and don't kys.

>>24577591
Thank you anon. I'm going to sound extremely pathetic right now but I've got tears welling up right now because this

>Your lines are quite clean and concise. Your images are vivid and pointed enough to convey ideas without being too obvious. There are scenes of poverty, of mass media hacks, and of local mysticism that blend together to produce an impression of uniquely American social decay without coming off as kitsch.

is exactly the impression I wanted this poem to create and I thought for sure I had failed. You've lifted my spirits more than I can possibly describe. It is extremely lonely and alienating to write something and feel like you've completely failed to communicate your vision.

>>24577597
I know the struggle anon. I'm writing my third novel rn. Still haven't sold the first two. I don't know if material success awaits either of us, but some of the greatest writers ever penned excellent works and never saw them published, so you can be in good company either way. Godspeed.

>>24577611
Best of luck with your novels my friend. I hope you find a publisher and I pray we both find an audience for our stuff!

>>24577597
guess what, anon? i've been extremely lazy with my artistic practice for a couple of years now, succumbing to sloth and cowardice, but your enthusiasm and your passionate responses may have been the right catalyst for me to pick things right back up and just give this damn thing a try, and stop worrying about how it fits in the grander scheme of things. ain't it funny how life works?

>>24577625
God bless you anon, I hope you keep that spark going! If you make it big, feel free to credit me in the Acknowledgements as an inspiration with something like "That dickhead on 4chan's /lit/, c. 2025"

>>24577426 (OP)
I think poetry as a form of art needs to go with images, story, further writing. To me, its an expression of a moment, kinda like a picture. It takes a very exceptional image to be memorable. But context consistent/transformative adds a lot to any "picture" made with words or lines. Like a good game OST, or a good book cover.

>>24577631
Yeah but it's also very compact, offers very little context. Hard to pull off. OP's is decent.

>>24577631
It's an interesting idea, for sure. I've thought about self-publishing a book of poems and doing illustrations for it, but I'm not really talented at drawing or graphic design lmao, so it's probably a bad idea for me.

>>24577636
look at apollinaire's caligrammes for inspiration

>>24577637
Thanks anon, I'll check it out!

>>24577636
U can also take photos. Do diagrams. Have colors. Tons of options. You'll know when u found something that fits together in a way u like.

>>24577426 (OP)
>Down in California,
>horses speak in hymns.
>Back in Alabama,
>lizards feed on knees
I like this one. Is a knee a colloquialism for a plant in Alabama?
>>24577447
Ridiculous criticism. There's nothing wrong with using a music scale to get people into the rhythm.

>>24577426 (OP)
I like the way it sounds, you have a good sense of sound
Although I agree with >>24577433 lose the lizard knee thing

>>24577677
>>24577682
Thank you very much anons, I appreciate the kind words. "Knees" is not really a reference to anything specific, I mainly picked it because I liked the image and the sound of it and thought it complimented the horses line. I'm not sure I'll ever revise this specific poem since I wrote it some time ago and I think my style has changed since then, but if I do revise it I will certainly delete/replace that line.

>>24577717
>I mainly picked it because I liked the image and the sound of it and thought it complimented the horses line. I
Actually this is probably overly simplistic, I had some associations in mind with aging politicians (lizardlike, etc.) and a sort of symbolic cannibalism with knees and other body parts, but I don't think my intent translated very well.

>>24577719
look at mr. freud over here lol

>>24577426 (OP)
Gay why not write about something straight like pretty girls or flowers

>>24577426 (OP)
Most poetry sucks. Whether you keep writing it or not doesn't depend on reader's judgement or any qualities that the reader sees in it. It depends on whether poetry can capture what you want to say or not.
There are things that need narratives and symbols to be expressed. There are things that need eggs, flour and birthday candles to be expressed. If it's the right medium for the job, shamelessly lean into it and eventually you'll figure it out.


>>24577441
>Bad odd?
Bad odd if you were not aiming for odd. Good odd if you were aiming for odd.
> I have no idea if they are terrible or mediocre or have potential.
Potential is unrelated to the prior two statements. Everyone who is willing to put in the work has potential. Murakami gained his skill by sweating blood.

>>24577426 (OP)
I only read your poetry with my brown eye because it is shit.

>>24579096
made me laugh. are you heterochromatic? If i had one physical genetic thing about myself i could change it would be my eye color to be purple and yellow or something. Or, euphemism for asshole, which is also funny but less witty sounding than if it was like tyrion lannister using a brown eye.

>>24577426 (OP)
its cheap and edgy, comes off as tryhard with no substance, keep trying though

I like it quite a bit. The rhythm of it seems sloppy (to me). Good imagery, I especially like >"Helicopter bodies
>missing rows of teeth. "

The most important thing is that you write to your own standards and not others. It could work well as a refrain in a longer poem, also. Tell me about the poem and why it's exactly the way it is, technically speaking.

>>24577426 (OP)
Actually I quite liked it.
I thought some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective. Interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the humanity of the poet's compassionate soul which contrives through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other, and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into whatever it was the poem was about!

>>24577426 (OP)
Kinda campy, but I really can't say I don't like it. Quaint and very evocative.

My poem is better:

Forsake me not, my brother dear;
The sums of strength withstand
The cracking storms that whip and gale -
Bring forth our fatherland!

Let muscle weft as wounded trees
Against the cutting slow;
But ragged though - astir - be free
Upon the grim death-throes!

Take hand, my brother, lift and bind!
United we become
As roots that snap! and bitter find
New griefs to overcome!

>>24577426 (OP)
can I get a scansion on this? what's the meter? I can't tell you it's good or bad if I don't know whether it is or not

>>24577426 (OP)
The metre is awkward, why did you choose it, or did it just happen as you wrote? and the structure of the poem, two images to each stanza, has no alteration or climax, which is pretty unsatisfying.The imagery itself ought to be reinforcing the poem’s structure, but doesn’t. Others in the thread suggest adapting it to song because it doesn’t bear the usual poetic traits.
Keep writing though