>>24625516
>>24627842
>>24627881
FIRST CRONE: Why aren’t the men here?
They should have arrived ages ago.
I’m all painted and tarted up,
humming and waiting in my party array,
all to snare some fellow on his way.
Come, holy Muse, put spice on my lips
for a juicy and loose Ionian lay.927
GIRL: So, you old spot of mildew,
you stole a march on me for once, did you?
You thought you’d strip a vineyard bare
when there was no one there
and lure some strapping stud your way
with the urgency of your song.
Just you try. I can outsing you any day
and prove you’re wrong.
The audience may think this boring
but perhaps it’ll get them laughing.
FIRST CRONE: [wagging her rear at GIRL] Up yours!
[turning to the GIRL PIPER] And you, my sweet little piper,
pick up your pipes and pipe some airs.
[FIRST CRONE breaks into sprightly song.]
FIRST CRONE: If anyone wants to have some fun,
It’s best to get into bed with me.
You won’t find savoir faire with a young
Girl as you would with a ripe old one,
Like me, who’s itching to be nice
To the boy she has and no one else.
GIRL: Don’t belittle the charm of girls.
Smooth and tender are their thighs
And there the softest glory lies,
While from their bosoms flowers rise.
But you’re a hag all pinched and furled:
A body that beds with Death and dies.
FIRST CRONE: I hope one day you come unstuck
When your pussy wants to fuck
And your couch falls through the flags—
Or when, one day, you want to shag
And feel the lovely inside ache
But find you’re shagging with a snake.
GIRL: What am I to do? I’m sad.
My young fellow hasn’t come
And all alone here I am.
For Mum’s gone
out. She’s not at home.
The next best thing that can be had
(Oh, Nanny dear, it’s not so bad):
Call Mr. Fixit928 in. He can
Put one at ease. Oh, Nanny, please!
FIRST CRONE: Too bad! Is there a hitch?
And does your twat acquire an itch
For the Ionian tool,929 but want as well
The real thing—as in L—
The thing that makes those Lesbians drool?930
GIRL: In any case, you’ll never grab
My boy’s balls or ever have
An opportunity to despoil
Me of my youth with your gall.
FIRST CRONE: You can sing your guts out
and peer through the dark
just like a cat but no red-blooded male
is going to get to you before he gets to me.
GIRL: No doubt at your funeral
when he comes to lay you out . . . I say,
I think that was rather smart.
FIRST CRONE: What a remark!
GIRL: Can anyone say something fresh to an old frump?
FIRST CRONE: It isn’t my age that’ll get you unstuck.
GIRL: What then? Your white lead and rouge?
FIRST CRONE: Why bother to enlarge?
GIRL: Why bother to peer and poke?
FIRST CRONE: Me? I’m just humming a ditty for my beloved Epigenes.
928 A dildo.
929 Also a dildo.
930 Meaning cunnilingus.
