Thread 24702104

I'm tired, I want to scream but I can't, my heart is buried in the false happiness that hides another feeling, indescribable, that no one can take seriously, because I was never taken seriously enough to talk about it, I don't know how to be taken seriously and I'm tired of that, I guess I was always an idiot, I disguised that as a character, so that well, they wouldn't say anything to me if I tried to defend myself, because I don't, because I don't know how to do it, because I was never taught how to do it, I was always raised by my mother and even that seems like a sin, "your mom whistled at you", "they never put a hard hand on you because of your mom", your mom your mom your mom, she's fed up with me, why don't they tell her? They always have to emphasize it to me, why me? and not her? could it be fear? I don't know but I don't dare tell her so as not to hurt her. My head is a limbo, my head is a head that nobody understands and I want you to understand, I have ADHD, I know it's not an excuse for everything I do wrong, but my head makes me forget things easily, I get distracted a lot, sometimes I don't even listen well, and apparently that hurts me in this family, scolding for this and that, "why didn't you clean this?", I forgot, I'm sorry, "why didn't you put this away?", I forgot, I'm sorry, always the same, over and over again, you know I like to be alone, the only times I'm alone is when my mom and my sister go to work and they don't get home until the afternoon/evening, so, I can be alone all that time and do my obligations my way and at my leisure without anyone yelling at me, without anyone bothering my time, I'm happy in those moments, the problem is when my mom arrives, I can't spend some time with her without her scolding me, the funny thing is that with my sister that doesn't happen, she doesn't get scolded, nor They yell at each other, they just laugh and laugh, and me? Well, I prefer to stay away from that, I don't belong in their conversations, the only one who understands me is my sister, but only halfway, she always helps but sometimes not, I am grateful that she is the one who helps me the most always, but there are times when I don't feel like she helps me that much.

What else do I have to say? Well, I like video games and everything related to that, I love to play, what I'm going to say sounds very basic but it's a way to escape from this world, but when they are around, I can't play even for a little while, because they will tell me that I do nothing, they don't see what I do, they don't feel what I feel justifying themselves that they are the same or worse than me, what do I care? I'm talking about myself not about you, why can't I open up to them? With my own family? Ouch. Because of my past they always tell me that I do nothing, that I'm lazy and just plays around, for example a week ago I was going to take care of my uncles' house and cats, telling myself out loud that I'm going to keep the house clean, my mom responded, "If you don't do anything around the house what are you going to do at your uncles' house?" I refused to answer because I can't answer my mom because she gets angry, telling me that while I live with her I can't answer her to anything, my family has always been very rude, justifying themselves by saying that's how my grandfather treated them, you see my grandfather is a cold person who always put a firm hand on the family, with my mother's brothers, with my mother and with my sister, but not with me because my mother "protected me from him", but that is not an excuse for them to treat everyone in such a shitty way and with a firm hand, if they complained about how my grandfather treated them why didn't they try to be different? I don't know them, I'll never understand them, and the truth is, I want to leave here. I want to start saving money to escape them and finally be able to live in the solitude I've always wanted in my life. I'm sorry for being different from everyone else. I'm sorry for being ignorant. I'm sorry for being an idiot. I'm sorry for having caused so many problems. I'm sorry for not finishing my projects. I'm sorry for not being good enough for them. I'm sorry for not being able to speak. I'm sorry for being a reserved person. I'm sorry for not responding. I'm sorry for my mom for the blame she's been given. I'm sorry for not being able to scream. And I'm sorry for trying to change even though I know it won't change anything.
They'll ask me, "Why don't you talk about this with someone you know instead of some random people on the internet?" Well, they wouldn't take me seriously.
If you've read this far, thank you for listening and letting me vent to you. I really needed it. I don't know what I'll do with my life, but what I want most is to get out of here. I want to be in my own world and on my own time.
I'm tired. Good night, everyone <3

Hal, is that you?

Wow. You really need to get out of your comfort zone, go outside, and touch grass.