>>24723164
Yeah see, this is part of why I think gender is much less...grounded than sexuality.
But I guess for some context. When I was younger, like pre puberty, the reason why I say pre puberty, is because I distinctly remember a time between primary school and right before highschool where sex was a foreign concept to me.
So Id "steal" breast forms from my moms old dresses that were already falling apart, and put on bras sometimes. Id even "tuck" between the legs, and "roll up my boxers" to sort of mimick panties. When I look back, it all sounds unbelievably weird and perverted, I even remember "getting a boner". But heres the thing. I was so young, like 8 to 11 that I didnt even know what sex was. I didnt really know what dicks were beyond something you pee with and barely looked at it.
So was that experience sexual if my body reacted "sexually", but my intentionality and feeling was divorced even from the concept of "sex"?
Now, older, I cant even stand to wear panties, or girl clothes, or bras. It makes me feel uncomfortable and only makes me feel more masculine. I dont look at my past experiences as something validating, I look at them as something that unfortunately ties me to the idea that I have to deal with this at all, that I have to be "trans" at all. That I have to be like this at all.
When I was younger the concept of transgender didnt exist, not only because I was very young, but also because contrary to how much trans people say trans has always existed, back then, it was really mostly just "crossdressing" and such. I am under 25 years old, but over 20 years old btw. So its not like im that old I guess.
When I think back to my childhood I was not a particularly feminine. I had adhd, I was a problem child, very roidy, high metabolism, naturally athletically inclined. I played lots of sports, did lots of dumb typical young boy shit, but probably slightly more extreme because I jumped around everywhere.
Basically I have zero reason to be a woman other than the fact that from a very young age id play pretend and pretend to be a girl, id even put on a girl voice and everything, i even gave myself a girl name, I would constantly daydream of different scenarios where I turned into a girl and whenever i did everybody thought I already was one.
"Woman" especially in the modern day is so inextricably linked to social roles, mannerisms, predisposed behaviours, values, etc.
Even some of the most "masc" women expose some ironic facet of femininity, like in how staunchly feminist they are, or if you get the conservative tomboy, itll be how much they still desire a traditional man or whatever.
Sometimes I think and wonder if gender is even real.
But nothing works for me, not non binary, not being a femboy, not being a man (physically) or woman (mentally).
I make no sense, and from my experience of myself I extrapolate that gender cannot make sense. There is something else, there, hidden, that is called "gender".
