The older I get the more I realize how meaningless and fragile my life is. I'm heading towards disability in my early 30s, my mother is spending more and more time at the hospital and doesn't have much time left. At the end, our lives meant nothing, we lived, and we will die, like everyone else. I've always known that, but experiencing it is a different emotion altogether, I've been expecting it since I was a child, I've always known, but now that it's here I'm still not ready to deal with the situation. Just a few years ago my mother and I would go on walks, I was healthy, and she was too, we would sit and talk, and I walk tell her about my plans on leaving my job and going back to school, no we're both in bad health, she's about to die, and I'm about to be disable with many painful spine surgeries awaiting for me in the future. I don't think I'll be able to cope once she passes away, she's all I have, once she's gone it's over. I won't be able to live with my disability, and the constant thought that I failed at life, and failed her, if I would've gotten into a good career field I could've bought her better health insurance, taken her to better doctors, but no, I spent my 20s working manual labor, spending my money on useless things, and playing video games, 0 progress whatsoever in my life, now with this disability it will only be more difficult to accomplish anything, and if my mother is taken from me I'd have to deal with the psychological aspect of losing my only friend, I think that's what is going to seal the deal for me, from that point forward I don't know what other path there is other than suicide.
A few weeks ago I broke down and cried so bad, she came over, held me and started trying to comfort me, it reminded me of when I was a kid, I regret doing that so much now, I can't cope with knowing my mother will die soon and her last memories of me will be of me being a failure, and now disabled. She will pass away worried because of me, I can't cope.
>>81504432 (OP)It sounds like your life is not headed in the direction that you want.
It sounds like her health is not going in the direction she wants.
You shouldn't give up, you should try to change the future.
Has your mother ever tried doing Yoga or Pilates?
You are going through painful spine surgeries. There's going to be a period of physical rehabilitation and you may not be able to do things you could have before, but you will still be able to do a lot. You wasted your 20s. Now reform yourself in your 30s. You're under 50% of your way through life, no point in giving up
I've been through this. My mom passed away. If you can find ways to do more for her then do it. You won't regret it.
>>81504661There's good advice somewhere in here. Hard to parse out between all the incredible bullshit though. OP your life sucks. Sounds like were they to dole out Worst Luck awards you'd take home the gold. Now, that said, if you want to roll over and die it's ultimately your choice. To say your life doesn't/didn't matter, well that's just not true. Even if you don't see it, the people who love you know you matter. That transcends death. Your mother will always love you even after she passes on her living memory will follow with you. You can take it and cherish it and use it as motivation to make the best of a horrible situation if you choose to. Not an easy thing, to go on despite hardship, but try it anyway. Don't fade out just yet.
>>81504757Sorry for the stream of conciousness and bullshit.
Just saying unexpected stuff happens. If you want your Mom to stop worrying you need to improve your circumstances. And what improves your circumstances isn't always intuitive or logical. I got my only GF after attending a Jordan Peterson rally
>>81504432 (OP)Ha
Hahaha
So you finally realize that life ISN'T worth living and that there is no such thing as happiness? Let's all give the retard a round of applause, it only took him what? 30 years?
Nobody fucking cares if your mom is dying or will be dead soon, and nobody cares about your feelings. Its every man for themselves, and everyone else is too busy with their own problems to be burdened with listening to yours. My mom doesn't even love me and she wishes I was never born, but you don't see me blogposting about it do you?
>>81504432 (OP)OP what's your disability? I'm going through the exact same thing. My mom is my only attachment to this world. She's 68 and losing her hearing. When she dies I'll have no attachments to this world anymore. I'll have no one who loves me unconditionally like she did. On the bright side, when she dies I can finally leave this corrupted timeline. I was bit by a tick at age 6 and got Lyme Disease, which permanently corrupted my timeline. I could have had happiness, fulfillment, relationships, success, gainful employment, everything - if I wasn't bit by that tick. That tick got to live an extra 24 hours at the expense of my 70 year lifespan being permanently ruined. This is how I know for a FACT that there is no God or Jesus, as desperately as I wish there was. I watch Christian sermons and testimonies every single day but I can never believe in God in this corrupted timeline.
>>81506384I had a back injury and about to have my second spine surgery. I never went to college so all I can do is manual labor, and manual labor would literally doom me permanently into a wheelchair. What's lyme disease?
>>81506496OP buy Cissus quadrangularis, Amazon has the Primaforce brand. I know it sounds hippy dippy but it has benefits in studies, bodybuilders use it for injuries. "Cissus may accelerate bone regeneration and mineralization. For people with spinal fractures or vertebral damage, this could support faster healing. It stimulates osteoblast activity (bone-building cells) and increases calcium uptake into bone tissue."
>>81505487>My mom doesn't even love me and she wishes I was never born, but you don't see me blogposting about it do you?I am sorry to hear that your family turned out that way
I hope you find your place in a surrogate family.
>>81506632Thank you anon, I'll look into it.
>>81506384>This is how I know for a FACT that there is no God or Jesus, as desperately as I wish there was. I watch Christian sermons and testimonies every single day but I can never believe in God in this corrupted timeline.I think it's something about drugs and alcohol corrupting this timeline
>>81504432 (OP)All life is meaningless and fragile, not just yours.
