Basically I am an adult woman female permanently nihilistic and anhedonic and the only things in life that drive me,make me feel anything and I find meaning are things that are agents of pain and chaos specifically either cutting myself, drinking, having a boyfriend (only had one fml) since let me honest dating men even if the guy is "nice" it can still be hurtful, listening to sad music, I am sure I can think of more. I realise that all those things have in common that they both give you some type of joy but also hurt you at the same time, but I don't see value in things that are just positive without toxicity attached they just feel fake,shallow and hallow to me . Kinda sucks that we are stuck in this disgusting existence, our nature stops us from killing ourselves, so the only way we can enjoy it has to be through criticism/response acts of it. Therefore even in joy the totality of the Deppressing word lingers

Imagine caring about anything at all

low self esteem
work on it

>>81718542
How does this remotely connect

>>81718557
You think you don't deserve real happiness because of your low self esteem. There's nothing else on it.

Nihilistic anhedonic are just nothing words you are parroting to pretend it's deeper than that. It isn't.

>>81718601
You are being retarded. I literally don't feel anything from those other things and you sitting here trying to anti intellectual me

>>81718483 (OP)
How old are you? I used to feel that way and still do somewhat, but I think because I'm a man, eventually I had some sense knocked into me by life. Eventually I realized no one was coming to save me and that this shit just makes me a useless fag. I made it through episodes where I was pretty close to ending it all and ended up changed on the otherside.

I still love indulging in sad music and things of that nature, but I realized I also love other kinds of music and I value my limited happiness much more now so sad stuff is not my go-to, plus my music taste has just evolved in general.

I think my experiences of the lows of life make me a more well rounded person overall, but life is confusing and maybe it's not so simple. I don't know if you as a woman can go through the same kind of development I did, but we're all human and we live in a feminist age so I dunno.

>>81718957
>no one was coming to save me
Never claimed I think that
>don't know if you as a woman can go through the same kind of development I did
Males commit more violent crime so don't suck your own dick too much

>>81718983
>Never claimed I think that
don't you though? for me, I wanted badly for someone to value the emotional chaos I was experiencing in some way. some empathy at least.
>Males commit more violent crime so don't suck your own dick too much
alright retard, I don't care. I was a meek faggot up into my twenties. maybe my personality is a bit more feminine than most. I had a decent dad who was strong but nice and kept me safe from my total bitch mom and sister and came home after work to cook great meals. so maybe I don't fit into the mold? and maybe a man being capable of violence is a good thing when most men are even more violent retards. you admitted yourself that you like toxic guys so what are you saying?

if anything, there's something wrong with you. i'm all those things you described but i don't align myself with toxic people. i can't stand fake and shallowness like you and toxicity goes with that. i wasn't trying to shit on you for your gender but maybe it is because you are a woman. do you have BPD or something?

>>81719082
she has low self esteem.

>>81719082
I want someone who understands but I do not crave someone to sift responsibility or to change me.
The rest of the post made no sense or is connected to my point and was just a personal rant

>>81719122
I was being verbose and open to be helpful but you should cut deeper next time

>>81719138
I dont see how and don't really believe you

>>81719122
Holy shit, just rope yourself then you retarded bitch. You simply dont want to be helped

>>81719257
You are just being a cunt idk what you on about

>>81718483 (OP)
I would call it mental illness

>>81719280
Kys today retard

>>81719313
No I will outlive you moid

>>81719361
Not with your mental illness lmaoo. Look at your original post. I give it a few years before you blow your brains out or od on something kek

>>81719373
Nuh I am durable unlike you

>>81719385
Whatever helps you sleep at night sweaty

>>81719392
Womp womp moid

>>81718483 (OP)
massochism

>>81719490
But it isn't sexual

Sounds like fairly basic childhood issues. Something about emulating very inconsistent and unwelcoming parenting, leading to detachment and escapism, causing inability to accept positive things as they come without them also coming attached with certain negatives, as it was the case in the childhood.

You grow up in chaos, so you learn to create and seek chaos.

Could be also a form of a temporary rebellion against over strict parents.

>>81719540
I mean yeah I was kinda emotional neglected/ignored minus the times when attacked but how are people different?what do you guys even enjoy that is not also hurtful

>>81719716
You don't learn that things come with strings attached, You are fine with accepting good things as they are, because that's what you've experienced and learned to expect. Parents did nice things to you, so there's nothing questionable about nice things just happening. You didn't live in chaos and instability, so you're fine living without chaos and instability and you don't tend to seek it. You felt safe, content and happy, so you don't need to rely on drugs for cope and you didn't dissociate to numb your pain. You are fine living in the moment with who you are and you don't need to constantly seek validation and escapism and don't feel like you need to justify your existence and self worth.

>>81719830
Yes but how does that translate to your life I assume you also have that

>>81720107
I doesn't translate to my life as I don't have that.