>Classmate: "I got married!"
>You: "Jerk off by myself! Jerk off! Jerk off! Squirt!!!"

>Classmate: "I bought my own house!"
>You: "I'm going to jerk off in my rundown apartment! I'm going to jerk off! I'm going to squirt!"

>Classmate: "A baby has been born!"
>You: "Stroking! Stroking! Stroking! Squirting!!!"

>Classmate: "I've become a manager."
>You: "Stroke stroke! Swish stroke stroke! Squirt!!!"

>Classmate: "My child got married and I have a grandchild."
>You: "Stroke stroke! Swish stroke stroke! Squirt!!!"

>Classmate: "I retired."
>You:"Stroke stroke! Swish stroke stroke! Squirt!!!"

>Classmate: "So your grandson is getting married too... >You: "Stroke stroke! Swish stroke stroke! Squirt!!!"

>Classmate: "It's a celebration for your 99th birthday."
>You: "Stroke stroke! Stroke stroke stroke! Splooooosh!!!"

Is this the kind of life you want?

yes imma stroke mah shi

This is why I'm glad I lost touch with everyone.
I was 'the bright kid', so I'd never want them to know that I'm now a 20 year NEET incel who hates going outside.