i miss my ex fp
i miss my ex fp
i miss my ex fp
does it get any easier? i feel so hollow and sad all the time now, but it's not something i can just mend or return to
i hope you're doing okay despite everything

>>81762890 (OP)
Shut up Kayleigh, you're 14.

>>81762890 (OP)
What is a ex fp anon?

>>81762890 (OP)
>does it get any easier?
How long's it been?

>>81762897
i think this helps explain it in a way that's easy to understand
www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/8q8zmn/what_a_favorite_person_fp_is_and_what_an_fp_isnt/

Tfw such an unlikeable subhuman i cant remember the last time someone reciprocated enough for them to become a fp hehe

>>81762904
only about 2 weeks, but dreams have been relentless

>>81763067
ah bpd thing, idk probably, make some new friends and meet someone new to obssess over if your brain works that way, it's how people usually get over break ups from what i've seen

>>81763077
That sounds dreadful. I'm sorry, anon. But aren't they still your fp, even if you're no contact?

>>81762890 (OP)
>but it's not something i can just mend or return to
Why not?

>>81763118
i thought they weren't when i initially split on him because i felt numb for several days after the fact, but it's just a nonstop aching feeling now
so miserable

>>81763160
Eventually your brain will get tired of tormenting you. I hope you find some way to distract yourself before then

>>81763137
i'm still hurt by what i perceive as replacement and some other things, but just really complicated because of other life factors for us both
just not something sustainable

>>81763236
>what i perceive as replacement
Stop thinking that and talk to them idiot.

>>81763201
thank you, anon
i rly hope you're right

>>81762890 (OP)
I lost my then-fp in 2019, never found a "replacement". No one even came close. I don't think I met anyone capable to make me cry since my ex fp.
I dont miss her like I used to though and I now realize that even with her by my side I'd still be unhappy. Although being with her would make up for it

>>81763394
i think i'd still be unhappy since it'd be nothing but turmoil
i just miss feeling like i had a purpose to live and not having a massive hole in my chest 24/7

>>81762890 (OP)
I miss you too retard just come back already. The everlasting gray never fades.

>>81762890 (OP)
>>81763780
maybe it's not even you and it's just my battered mind grasping at straws, but I've been chronically checking for any posts resembling you while also posting myself to lend you hints. I realize what you are doing is wholly intended as the best for both our security, yet knowing that still absolutely nothing has come close to quenching the void, and I'm unsure if anything except you could ever make life feel as colourful as in those brief moments we shared. If it really is you and still we are both sharing such despair... well, nothing could make me sadder, because it would truly mean that you are a real one and I lost you forever... How could anyone live with themselves holding that thought... I know some of those attempts I made to forget deeply hurt you, hence I have no right to ask anything, yet I am too awful not to. I truly meant what I said when I told you I'd always wait for you. Nothing changed. Things don't always have to be so complicated stinky.

>>81764195
Anon, look, either go to sleep or talk to someone, letting the hurt fester in your mind isn't gonna help

>>81764208
I really wish it was so easy, but the writhing worms in my gut sincerely won't let me. I will most likely be pathetically bumping this thread for the rest of the night. Feel free to be that someone I talk to while I do.

>>81764195
he's not coming back. begone, bpdemon.

>>81764254
Well, i can't fucking sleep either because i fucking railed my sleep schedule into the ground but if you want me to play therapist sure, i've unironically done this for more gay dudes on here than i can count for some reason, 4chan3101, discord burner if you want, i'm too lazy to keep checking threads

>>81764264
Even though I greatly appreciate the offer I have no intentions of ever being that open and vulnerable ever again. I think I'd rather die. My position on bothering with others intimately was already extremely brittle before deciding to lunge myself out one final time.

>>81764311
Suit yourself op, it's not a bother since you fuckers are basically my only social interaction these days apart from normies so it's kind helping extended family for me, i kinda like being useful even, but oh well, good night

>>81764324
I'm not op anon. I might or might not be the ex fp in question. I'm realising this whole display probably is only causing more unwarranted suffering. If all they wish for is me to be okay and quickly recover, this clearly shows I am not, although there is another part of me that wishes for them to selfishly hope that I am still thinking about them and that I always will be. That might be one of the most mentally ill sentences I ever wrote, but even if it an ugly desire to have it would mean that we are the same fully even in those terrible ways, which makes me feel less alone in this world.

>>81763077
kekw, thats rookie numbers, true insanity starts after 10 years

>>81764716
Please share your grand tale ye tormented master of unhealthy obsessions. What copes have let you survive for that long?

>>81764747
>What copes have let you survive for that long?
bitcoin, drugs, porn, videogames and forcing myself into a nihilistic worldview

i've had a sense of emptiness within me when i realized how dishonest my relationships have been and probably would still be if i tried again

it's better to be alone than deal with the guilt, but i'd be lying if i said it wasn't shame and embarassment that solidified this outcome for me

>>81764775
My current cope is deluding myself that I can somehow turn my experiences in to a shitty novel of sorts and live through that world, even though my writing is to be pitted I suppose it doesn't matter, since it's mostly for me anyway.

>>81764784
What were you dishonest about and how come you wouldn't be able to come clean and turn it right?

>>81764195
Hell if this them I'm gonna be so embarrassed

Idk if ur the person but the one I'm thinking about, works at a store I goto. I usually go in on a monday night, I'm certainly not op.

But I'm so sorry. And I really wasn't okay then. I'm working on being better, making something of myself instead of rotting away. It's been months and nothing may have changed for you, but definitely did for me. There's a pain in my chest everytime I see you. No comfort in your gaze. You haven't spoken to me in months. And all of my sweetness and affection goes wasted on people who take it for granted. Things I wish I could have said to you. Things I should have been telling you all along. Instead I go home and the loneliness gets to me. Theres not a single woman that I've been with since seeing your smile has been good enough.

>>81764832
i've been in a few e-relationships, some of them happening at the same time as another, usually these end because i don't have plans to meet irl, or i don't feel as strongly as they do, i was searching for something resembling the experience of limerence i had before, and when i finally found it, it came in the form of two guys i regret ever meeting, i made myself look like a fool to them

>>81763077
Hi, I lost someone I didn't want to lose who cut me off. Unblock me and try to talk to me again, I've been waiting. Thanks.

>>81765077
Elaborate anon. How'd those two guys make a fool out of you? Was it at the same time? Why do you regret it?

>>81765077
>some of them happening at the same time
I think I spotted where you made your big fucky wucky.

>>81762890 (OP)
do you happen to be polish by any chance

>>81765025
I'm sorry to say anon but I'm not that person. The time frame, the external reasons making it "unmendable", picture used in op, and thinking they got replaced... I'm very confident in op being my person, but whatever you had going on with yours sounds quite serious and I can only wish you the best in working it out one day. I'm just deliriously riding this horse of a cliff, cause I don't even have much the slightest of plans how we could make this work, all I know is that this ever present sensation of drowning will keep haunting me until I somehow figure something out. But perhaps your situation isn't as grim?

>>81765476
I'm in the same boat really, that slow ever present feeling of drowning. Through my own self destructive actions and poor decisions. Being left with my trophies of past victories now hollow, broken and screaming. I stopped shoplifting to make ends meat, I started to smoke less weed. I left my room and made friends with normies. Shit i even started community college. I tried dating other women since I met her but, everything I've said and done with them. Fuck I wish it was her. They all felt hollow. I can't fake how I feel no matter how much they give. I don't even know how to fix the situation I'm in

>>81765791
I can relate to that feeling of hollowness a lot, hell, there were even a lot of things I used to do on my own before that now just feel hollow because of promises to share them. It really is a damn chungus life when you can't even get high or drunk to escape anymore without being reminded of the what ifs, or even escaping in to certain comfort games I could always turn to before, music etc. Obviously there is no blaming anyone for my stuck in place mind but myself, yet it is what it i.
I doubt my words mean much, but if anything, if you really managed to turn so much around for the sake of this girl... I honestly think you are a very good man regardless of your mistakes in the past. I respect you a lot. Even if things might not end up right with that girl, clearly you have so much to give, and I'm sure you can make someone feel very happy and loved one day.

>>81765908
You really do have a point, thank you for reading. I can't imagine the sheer weight that hollow feeling must be for shared activities. Of course the comforts are there, the good and the bad memories and mistakes and accomplishments too. All experiences shaping who we are. Unfortunately the only reason i figured i should improve was to not be an embarrassment to her.
The girl I'm with currently, however, i feel nothing for. And only long more for someone who I'm only around for a minute out of my week, maximum. Its insane. I don't even know her name.

what a painful thread to read. wish everyone could have their own happy endings.

Sorry for hijacking your thread op and sorry again if it made you just feel worse. Regardless of how you go forward I miss you so fucking much you retarded skeleton freak. I wish I could at least have you insult me too one last time. i will probably keep harassing you for a good while longer.. I'm sorry about that in advance. If only I was as strong as you are you'd probably have a lot of an easier time right now, but also knowing my luck you decided to never check this thread again just before I arrived and you ended up seeing none of this. : ^) maybe this is our new dynamic? Vague posting endlessly in silly humiliating ways? Even something like that would be enough to keep me going I think.
I only wish the very best for you. Every fiber of my being just want to scream at you to come back, yet my conscious keeps egging me on to say as long as you're happy I will be happy too. I really hope you can fulfill your dreams op. You were so passionate about them unlike anyone else, and maybe like that I could still get the glimpses of you in my life that I so greedily desire as well.. I'm unsure how I exist in your mind at this point, but I assure you that in mine you are always radiating. Please let yourself be that wonderful person again and be happy. I love you.

>>81765120
it wasn't at the same time, it was two different times, but the first time i had a crush on a guy while i was with my ex, it wasn't subtle, his friends were in a group chat with him and they showed him things he said about me, i was heartbroken and confessed what happened to my ex, it was the first time i had even mentioned i was interested in another guy to someone, usually i never say

and the other guy was someone i liked, he seemed like the type of guy that would be easy, but he was also weird and interesting to me, i saw parts of my shadow self in him, i wasn't his type, and i only fully realized that after he saw way too much of me, despite him asking i'm still ashamed that there is a person who has seen me like that and doesn't feel anything

>>81765156
yes, that was a mistake, online life moved faster during the pandemic so there were alot of interesting guys to randomly meet, and i normally didn't announce when i was in an e-relationship with somebody so things ended up happening like that sometimes

between nothing happening nowadays, taking a hit to my ego, and the thing i feel that passes itself off as guilt, i realized i'm better off being single, so i don't have to drag someone else into it, or watch anyone else i know become a stranger it'd be too awkward to talk to

there's a comfort in the emptiness, the solitude, maybe i think of myself as wiser now, despite the mixture of nostalgia and regret that haunts me at times, i'd like to think i carry that balance well

Hijacking thread to say I know that feeling OP. Day nine in hell starts. Why aren't they here, I love them and need them so much. I can't function on my own. I want to snap every bone in my body to distract me from the gnawing void within me. If I had to say i'm sorry until my mouth dries and starts to bleed I'd do it to see them again.

>>81762890 (OP)
kek cry n cope u worthless retard, yknow what even consider kys

>>81766085
Your light shines bright in this dark pit.

Sorry for hijacking thread Op
>>81766363
That second paragraph, the jungian shadow? That's some raw and powerful shit to wrestle with if you're a chick. But, not his type? Rough. Just talk to the guy if you bothered to keep him around.

>>81766943
i miscalculated actually, what i saw was just him being more open with his emotions than i am, in some way i thought i was more refined than him, but it turns out it was the other way around, he was just more true to himself than i am

>>81766504
>>81766943
Where is the honour amongst thieves? Hijacking an already hijacked thread!

>>81767226
I'm going to hijack that image too

>>81767090
If he's secure emotionally and you struggle with yours, you could have had a decent relationship if you talked. Go! Go to him!

>>81767252
At least you had the courtesy to tell me.

>>81767556
It is very relatable is all.

>>81766943
Are you some kind of expert in Jungian psychology anon? I think I'm heavily struggling with integration of my personality in some parts, especially regarding the anima section. Any general pointers?

>>81767876
Idk but I'm a dude. The way I do it is with clothes. Try flowery and colorful stuff. Pay attention to small details. Style and personality go hand in hand. Flowwy and baggy if you're large, tight and sharp if you're slender. Form fitting, weather appropriate, maybe a few accessories. Try a houseplant too. They're pretty nice to keep around.

>>81767438
i mean generally, not relationship specific, we didn't talk on that level

13 hours of blankly staring at a thread. Holy shit can life suprise you sometimes.

>>81769672
It beats staring at the wall or ceiling.

>>81769931
I mean, at least I have an excuse. Do you really not have anything else?

I think this is my ex lol cause I've seen her have this pic, the timeline lines up and she posts here, she dosent like the way I said "worms" or "humid"
lmk if u are

>>81770726
>Do you really not have anything else?
I do not, my soul was ripped out of me and I can't trust anyone anymore. Every dream I had and every plan has been crushed. I only think about them until I drift off to sleep, and when I can't sleep more I shitpost here. Disassociating and staring at the wall or ceiling helps ease the pain. Not OP btw.

>>81770847
who hurt you anon? i'm sure you'll find a nice girl soon

>>81770877
>who hurt you anon
Someone very important to me
>girl
Good joke, I like guys. I guess "girls" with pps are alright too.

>>81770894
ah sorry,idk if you're gay or a femanon that's fine too, i'm sure you'll find someone nice soon, i posted my burner on this thread i'm pretty sure, any hurting anon is welcome to come vent on it if you want, you guys are kind of my family as sad as that might be

>>81770847
For how long have you been feeling like this?

>>81771657
Nine to ten days.

>>81771674
You're rather brief. Does it hurt too much to reminisce about in detail? What happened to cause such anguish? I'd be inclined to say it's still very early but that would be extremely hypocritical of me. These things tend to really not get too much better with time. Only through distractions...

>>81770817
i was posting on 4chan while talking to a guy from 4chan and he saw my post

>>81766658
i've not much light, but let it be pilot enough for you to find your way.

>>81769672
Did you try Pink Floyd's wall? I cant reccomend it enough. Just learn how to use it, dont build it so high or thick.

>>81771859
>it hurt too much to reminisce about in detail
It does, yes.
>What happened to cause such anguish
Someone is gone. This is why I don't let people get close normally. This person really, really worked to get close to me and promised up and down they'd never leave. Even if we didn't work out they promised to remain my friend so I wouldn't get this way. They lied.
>These things tend to really not get too much better with time
This is true. The last time took multiple years, a couple suicide attempts, and alcoholism to be semi functional again. Even then I still think about that person too every day and it's been over a decade since we last saw each other irl.

>>81772096
I'm really unsure what you mean by that lol. Are you implying I should just listen to the album? But then you also mention not building the wall too high? Like it's some secret technique that only shares the name of the album. Maybe I'm just stupid. I think I long passed the 24hs no sleep mark.

>>81772131
>promised to never leave
>did anyway
Well probably I don't need to tell you this, but the percentage of people that say that and actually meant it are so astronomically low that you'd probably have a higher chance of winning the lottery. Not saying it's your fault in anyway, we all find that out the hard way, but even with people that wholly and genuinely mean those words it seems it's better to not have much faith in them. They might fully mean it, but the numerous ways life can fuck them and prevent them from keeping their promises are very likely to catch up to them.
Sometimes shit is unfair for both parties involved and the suffering just gets doubled.
Hope with enough alcohol you can become somewhat functional again soon anon.

>>81772068
omg poetry anon hiiii, how are you doing man? i haven't seen you in forever

>>81772343
>They might fully mean it, but the numerous ways life can fuck them and prevent them from keeping their promises are very likely to catch up to them
There really isn't a valid reason to not keep that promise if someone actually means it other than to cause harm. I can understand if the promise involved romance or something, but a promise to not completely cut someone off if you let them in your life is a very easy of a promise to keep to someone and takes zero effort.
>Hope with enough alcohol you can become somewhat functional again soon anon.
I am intentionally avoiding drinking so I don't do stupid things really.

>>81772491
In my case the romance aspect too was completely unjustified because the reason was complete nonsense... I digress though.

>>81772491
>There really isn't a valid reason to keep that promise
I mean, I can think of quite a few, but you're probably right in that they would be way too unlikely because of their grim natures to consider seriously, yet obviously not impossible. It would depend a lot on the relationship the two people would share too. A promise can have been made somewhat early in to meeting a person while having different expectations, and later the nature of the relationship changes to the point where what was agreed upon can't be feasible anymore.
I'm speaking in very general terms here. I'm sure your case was the simple occasion of just being lied to, most cases fall in to that, so it's not really intended as a jab at you, nor a defence of the people that hurt you. I have no reason to doubt you.

>>81772636
To not keep*

>>81772343
> Born to feel.
Use the album to process the emotions. Dont put up a massive wall around yourself and close yourself off. Its comfy here on r9k where you're able to reach out. But there will eventually be someone who will come into your life.

>>81772636
I think all people should be held to their word, or make amends if they cannot keep their word. I too hold myself to that standard and would ask people keep me accountable to my word irrespective of the circumstances.
I honestly really don't know if it's a lie or not, but given the circumstances it very much seems like it was just out of cruelty. Especially since they were told many times before getting close to me why that promise was important, and because it wasn't that long ago they reassured me they'd keep their word when it seemed like they were withdrawing.
They knew the impact and did it anyways it feels like, I think their lack of concern when I almost died recently is supporting evidence of that too...

>>81772723
You know brother, I was never a big pink floyd fan, but I will give it a shot just for you. Literally have nothing to lose on another sleepless night.

>>81772987
1 and a half hrs on loop. Helps if you're stoned.

>>81772770
Don't care either way, I just need them back.

Promises are very important to keep and if they ever broken then trust can only be rebuilt miscommunication understanding and forgiveness followed by commitment of the person to keep their word in the future

final bump, just can't do it anymore, eyes are literally burning out, haven't slept in so long. I wish only the best for everyone here. goodnight.

i want to abuse women

>>81774138
Sleep well anon, you sound like a good person.

>>81762890 (OP)
Classical BPD e whore, you will find another man to screw up