Any people pleasers here?

How did you notice it in yourself and get over it?

I'm trying right now but feel so stupid for taking so long to fix it.

I'm the opposite i try to be as rancid and stingy as humanly possible

>>81813088
HOW DO I BECOME LIKE YOU?!

I'm exactly like OP and hate every nanosecond of it.

It requires a lot of social tact to not be a people pleaser. More tact than I will ever be capable of.

>>81813103
Be a chronic people pleaser and have lots of sympathy and innocence and get fucked over it half a dozen times then go shut-in mode for a short while then go back to society
That's roughly what happened to me

>>81813134
What do you mean by that? The people in my life who are least likely to people please, and who confidently put themselves first, also don't seem to have much social tact, or at least it seems that way.

>>81813144
Same here. I feel like in almost every situation in life you have a bunch of things pulling you in different directions, but it's hard to know sometimes whether just doing what you want is autistically rude or something so it's easier to go along with what you think is polite or whatever. But then you feel hollow and pathetic and the people you're seemingly trying to please/not anger don't seem to care either way, so you also feel stupid.

For me it runs extremely deep, I'm slowly changing my entire life philosophy. The core is probably childhood abandonment and a certain interpretation of Christianity.
Beware of therapy and pop psychology, it only made it worse. Most just want you to work even harder for others.
I started realizing it 20 years ago, I'm almost 40.

>>81813188
How are you changing your life philosophy?

Also, how does your people pleasing manifest?

It started as wanting love from my parents, I just stopped caring. If you are around enough rotten people you will stop wanting to make miserable people happy.

>>81813335
Did you manage to form healthy relationships with people and generally behave in a more assertive, self-orientated way?

>>81813081 (OP)
i think people like us who were severely neglected as children either become stingy violent sociopaths or people pleasing narcissists
in a way if you're like me OP you ended up with good social skills but internally you're an insecure anxious miserable mess
if you went the aspd path externally you mess all your social relations but internally you probably dont care that much
which flavor of misery would you rather have?

>>81813081 (OP)
I'm a people displeaser. I love going out of my way to make life harder for everyone.

>>81814689
I don't mind being neurotic, I just wish my specific type of neuroticism didn't involve wasting so much time and energy trying to sacrifice myself for others, not probably even out of virtue or whatever much of the time but because of self-loathing and default behaviour

>>81814876
i am the same as you anon and im literally putting all my effort into a career that allows me to do that
i also have a huge savior complex and would probably go as far as to die for someone
>because of self-loathing and default behaviour
this comes with being a people pleaser, hating yourself is just part of the grind. if you find someone that you end up admiring but they hate you for whatever reason youre in for a thrill lmao.
my last resort is working with children. Children aren't like adults in the sense you can give an adult love but they will hate you for some reason

>>81814982
i relate to wilson from house MD so much i even look like the actor a bit. My least favorite character in the show btw I hate him

>>81814982
I have a saviour complex too, but it isn't fair on yourself or others. I was raised by a single mother with low intelligence and high emotional instability. Threats of suicide, cold shoulder treatment, accusations of making her life terrible, and being unable to have an adult conversation with someone (esp nobody of same gender) etc I think contributed to my basically looking to care for her as much as possible and discouraged self-esteem development etc. It is what it is, but that seems like a halfway logical explanation. I don't know why you have this problem, but I'd be glad to read it if it helps. In the past year or so I've had to really change my saviour issues though because I could have ended up getting involved with things that were beyond my capacity or so I felt.

>>81813849
Yes I am able to set boundaries and form healthy relationships now. I don't let others wills dominate me like I used to. That's not to say that I'm a selfish person though, it's more about knowing your limits and knowing who you are pleasing. For example with my wife I'm more willing to compromise than with friends, family, and then strangers. In the past I would've equally tried to please a stranger as a I would've a friend. Also the added nuance is that first I measure a person before seeing how much I give, while keeping myself first.

>>81815360
That sounds like a healthy, mature attitude. I hope to achieve this.

>>81815155
>don't know why you have this problem, but I'd be glad to read it if it helps.
I was severely bullied in school and was also not very good at it
I had no friends girls considered me the ugliest boy in class I had the worst grades. I felt like I had actual zero positive traits so that's where the self-loathing begun.
As to why I am a people pleaser and have a savior complex? Uhh I think it might be some paternal instinct I got when taking care of my younger brother. He was non verbal autistic until age 5 so I was severely neurotic about him ending up being bullied I was so I looked after him all the time
My relationship with my parents wasn't bad but I didn't feel very close to them as a kid. Felt like they were just there, existing

>>81815445
>ending up being bullied I was so
ending up being like I was*

>>81815360
>wife
what a waste of time, thanks for nothing normalfag

>>81813081 (OP)
>Any people pleasers here?
I am one but I'm trying to do better for myself and stop letting myself get completely run over all the time.
>How did you notice it in yourself
I realized that I was giving way more to people than what I was receiving and constantly putting myself in situations where I felt drained but "at least" I made others happy.
It could've been emotionally (me giving people everything and receiving nothing back), them just coming to me when they needed me but when I needed them they were nowhere to be found, me staying in situations where I was uncomfortable because I didn't want to make the other person sad, me letting people freely use me, etc.
I think it comes from me having a narc mom and an emotionally volatile dad. Me always having to please them and walk on eggshells around them.
>and get over it?
You need to start taking agency over yourself and realize that not everyone will be happy with you all the time and not everyone will like you even if it's hard.
Sit with the uncomfortable and guilty feeling you get when you stand up for yourself. Don't apologize for your feelings and needs. Be more assertive. Try to get some self-respect. Think to yourself "I'm not too much for having my own needs and feelings", "I should not have to disregard my own feelings to make others happy" , etc. This is what's helped me but it's not easy and I still struggle.

>>81815445
It was really good of you to look after your brother, I hope he appreciates it either now or in time. Especially since that was your parents' job, voluntarily doing that is a very positive trait.

What positive traits did you identify in yourself in time, talents etc? I mean you are articulate, so I doubt you are below the median in terms of academic ability.

>>81815508
Great post, I relate to it a lot. Glad you've identifies the issue and a solution.

>>81815508
>Don't apologize for your feelings and needs. Be more assertive. Try to get some self-respect. Think to yourself "I'm not too much for having my own needs and feelings", "I should not have to disregard my own feelings to make others happy" , etc.
I think the issue is that the way I socialize heavily relies on me doing all of that otherwise I literally don't know how to talk to others.
>>81815573
>What positive traits did you identify in yourself in time, talents etc?
I have a knack for teaching and am not really dumb just had adhd-pi as a kid.
Lots of my trauma probably comes from adhd and autism desu. When I realized this I started hating myself less I think.

>>81813081 (OP)
had a really bad dating experience back in 2020
>met up irl, she said she wasn't interested in dating but she wanted to be good friends
>drove around a lot, she kept picking out houses that we should buy and live together in
>texted me every day and wanted to hang out every day
>talked a lot about her ex she was having trouble getting over, figured she would want to date me after moving past that
>bought her takeout, helped with her chores

>one time she has a surgery consultation at a hospital 2 hours away. I drive her there and back and we make some stops along the way so she can go shopping, look at nature etc
>real tired so i go home to nap, she wants me to come over later
>in the 4 hours between me splitting off with her and coming back, she had a booty call come over and fuck her in her bed and leave
>she says that i have a lot of boyfriend potential, but to talk to her about it in 9 years when she's 30 because she's still having her fun

yeah so from now on, if it's not working for me i'm going to disengage, i'm not going to show off good boyfriend qualities unless i'm getting the affection and treatment i feel i deserve.

>>81815616
Thank you, hopefully we'll all heal from the scars our parents (or other people) put on us as children.
>>81815803
>I think the issue is that the way I socialize heavily relies on me doing all of that otherwise I literally don't know how to talk to others.
I'm the same way and I think I'll always be to some extent because it's just sort of meshed with my personality now.
You have to see it as a process and not something that you can immediately master but something necessary for you to do in order to start healing and becoming the person you want to be.
You have to start trying to figure out what your boundaries are (since they are different for everyone, I wrote mine down) and try to reinforce them when you feel like people are breaking them (even if it's hard). I started with trying to say no to small things and worked my way up the more comfortable I got saying no. The guilty feeling you get over you perceiving yourself as hurting others or dissapointing them will slowly fade.

>>81813081 (OP)
I had a phase where I thought of myself as infallible.
Maybe not completely, but I my and me was the most important. Reaching that required giving a lot of contempt to others.
>>81813088
You're not

>>81815503
We met on a game, edated for 5 years before meeting irl so cry about it nigger. You want to be me but you hate me. I still forgive you and hope you find true love anon.

>>81815897
holy shit anon you unlocked a new fear in me
i think i always subconsciously had this fear which is why i avoid dating women and just search for hook ups

>>81815994
that a lot of self-reassurance in this post

>>81816002
well dude, it's pretty easy to not fall into the trap, you just have to have enough self esteem. There were multiple times throughout that summer where I was telling myself "this ain't working, I'm putting too much into this chick who won't fuck me, I'm gonna get hurt" and I just kept on with it because it felt good having a girl around and texting her, and she gave me just enough hope to keep seeing her. I did the bullshit cope of "well i have nothing else going on anyways". I should have stayed single. Worst part is that I still have Hamilton songs stuck in my head because that's all she would listen to.

Does anyone have any examples of ways in which your people pleasing has caused emotional turmoil?

I have some strange ones. For example, at my old workplace it was a small company and there was a Christmas party at this goofy, fun minigolf place. I didn't want to go but felt I couldn't say no, and I couldn't make up my mind whether I was just being antisocial by not going and resolved just to go to fit in (I liked my coworkers on the whole). A few years later and there was a party at my new workplace, a larger workforce. I again didn't want to go but felt I would be disrespecting the person the party was for (he was retiring) so I ended up going and barely anybody was there from among junior staff, and after trying to make conversation with some people (granted I am kind of awkward and I guess people don't feel comfortable approaching me, which is my problem) I slipped out and left. I still have trouble saying "I don't want to go" and end up attending these work parties. In work the other day I overheard a guy a few years younger, who is liked by his colleagues, basically tell them that he just didn't go to Christmas parties and they teased him a little but not in an unkind of patronising way but accepted it. I was astounded that someone could just say no like that without fearing condemnation or some form of punishment or upsetting people. Maybe it's a kind of niche example, but it has always been an issue for me and caused a lot of internal debate (e.g., days worth of leaving the invitation, changing my mind, and agreeing to go at the last possible moment).

>>81816037
Yeah but I think I'm so paranoid that I give up too fast on women
I can't find the sweet spot of giving enough effort into courtship which is natural in any relationships
Basically any sign they give me, wheter it's real or not makes me ghost them
And it's not like I'm BPD or needy

>>81815508
How old are you and how long have you been working on this? I worry it's too late for me

>>81816178
How old are you?

It's really never too late to improve yourself btw, however slightly

>>81816123
I think it's fine to ghost a woman if you feel she isn't really giving you any effort. If she felt anything for you at all, she would message you. I don't do very well with ladies, but I have had like 2-3 of them in my history who were clearly very into me and they made it clear. If you stop messaging a girl, and she doesn't reach out to say "hey where did you go?" or something similar, then you weren't wrong to give up on her.
>dated girl
>she was really fat and her friends were miserable man-hating feminists
>talked shit about white men while I'm around
>tried to defend myself and one girl threatened to stab me in my sleep if i stayed the night with the gf as planned
>broke up with her
>she sent me messages for weeks and created a catfish online dating profile specifically made to target me and my interests, had a very long online interaction with me to get revenge by standing me up

>went on a date with this other girl
>had a terrible time, we made plans to see a movie after eating dinner together
>I pick her up and she's in thick baggy sweatpants and sweatshirt, not dressed up at all
>on the way to dinner, she navigates me onto a toll road when we could have easily avoided it
>while eating dinner she says she wants to cancel the movie plans so she can spend more time talking with me
>drive to a romantic spot where you can see the city from above and she fell asleep in the car on the way
>wake her up and she gives me the toothiest kiss
>tell her the next day i'm not interested
>she makes dozens of dating profile accounts over the next two months to try to get me to give her another chance

I had one more but hitting character limit. Basically, she'll come after you if she's interested.

>>81816178
I'm in my early 20s and I've been working on it for a few months on and off.
>I worry it's too late for me
It's never too late to heal.
Realizing that you want to be better and feel better is the start, you don't have to do it perfectly, you just have to do it for you.

>>81816239
25. Just paranoid about memes that brain is fixed now
>>81816254
Thanks man. It means a lot

>>81816245
>Basically, she'll come after you if she's interested.
i think this is not normal anon and these chicks were just BPD and crazy. I think I want a BPD girl now, I could handle the crazy and help her improve if she listens to me.
Something like you described happened to me once but I was in a bad place mentally and too young at the time to feel like committing.

>>81816293
the second one maybe, but I think the first girl was among the sanest girls that I have dated. As an individual, at least. Her friends were nuts.

>>81816258
No problem, remember to give yourself some grace, and remind yourself that it's a process and to not give up if you give in to people pleasing

>>81816314
>created a catfish online dating profile specifically made to target me and my interests, had a very long online interaction with me to get revenge by standing me up
you consider this sane behavior?

>>81816327
She did it once and then left me alone. She was very upset about the breakup. I can understand it.

>>81816258
Brother I'm almost a decade older than you and only really identifying the problem now in a productive way. Two years ago I was working a minimum wage job literally running around trying to help people as much as I could, almost manically. Looking back at who I was even then makes me really glad I'm making small steps forward, or at least away from that person.

>>81816394
> literally running around trying to help people as much as I could, almost manically.
once they put me on amphetamines I joined a charity on impulse so I get you. amphetamines raise that characteristic of mine way too much

>>81816450
Weirdly enough I was reading a little about amphetamines today and was curious to try them, but I'm somewhat tempted to believe that my neuroticism already puts me in a kind of amphetamine-lite mental place much of the time. Why did they put you on them?

>>81813088
>>81814698
I want to harm people who are like this when I meet them. It's subhuman behavior, in a just world people who acted like that would be beaten with sticks until they started acting like a human being.

im like that sort of i am too agreeable and agree to do shit i shouldnt like shit job with bad pay for someone because im just overly agreeable and trying to be nice/friendly
i wish i gave 0 fucks and went off and did my own thing already, im about to soon and will be very good for my mental health i think

I became a hermit because I am a giant people pleaser. I can't set boundaries for shit, I am unassertive and people just steamroll me so I don't talk to people at all. My job is remote, so that helps a lot.

>>81816913
In what ways does this happen? Do you have any examples?

>>81816483
>Why did they put you on them?
To treat ADHD
> amphetamine-lite mental place much of the time.
what do you mean by that i dont get it

i'm convinced this thread exists for spite reasons

>>81816951
what do you mean anon what are you implying

>>81816943
What are the effects of amphetamine for you?

I assumed it makes you kind of mentally hyperactive and able to sustain intense almost obsessive focus for long periods bordering on unhealthy neuroticism, which I'm already pretty prone to doing (before crashing)

>>81816971
>sustain intense almost obsessive focus for long periods bordering on unhealthy neuroticism
Oh yeah now that you mentioned it, this aspect of my personality gets exponential on amphetamines