I definitely have severe OCD, but I suspect I also have some other disorder, possibly a personality disorder. I tend to get very angry and lash out at my dad. (I've been living alone with him since I was 17, and I am 25 now.) I do this regrettably and feel really guilty and ashamed afterwards. I regularly hug my dad and tell him I love him, but this is a habit we've had since I was little. I actually stopped at one point during middle school, but he felt bad about it and brought it up, so I reverted back. I have low self esteem. I would say I have a decent amount of empathy, but I can suddenly switch to being low empathy, having fantasies about doing nasty things to people. I wouldn't actually act on these fantasies, even if I could get away with it. I feel guilty and ashamed afterwards. The anger outbursts I have typically happen after heightened anxiety, but they usually onset very rapidly. I blame my dad for everything, but then I feel guilty, and blame myself, telling my dad this. I often keep yelling beyond the point my throat hurts.

I recently learned that my uncle has a bad and very obvious case of narcissism. He really creeped me out in 2019, and since then, I've only had a few interactions with him, and he is often emotionally draining, so I make sure to avoid having anything to do with him. Prior to 2019, I would view him as a friend, but get very angry at what I didn't know was his narcissistic bullshit at the time. My grandma was very antisocial, and I grew up in the same household with her. She would make fun of me and tell me nasty shit like I didn't own anything and that nothing was mine, and she was always yelling. My dad couldn't afford to move out with me until I was 17.

I also have issues with identity in general, but this is apparently common with OCD, since OCD features tons of feelings of doubt / uncertainty. I've had AGP since I was 13, but I've simultaneously wanted to be jacked and masculine. I view myself as a LGBT person wanting to kill conservatives (Please don't report me. I wouldn't actually do this.), but I've also viewed myself as a nazi wanting to kill leftists, including weak, annoying LGBT people.

I've always had periods where I've gotten very angry, and I generally view most people as being inferior to me, even though I've been a broke incel since I was 17 due to mental illness (OCD). My dad has often criticized others for being crazy, stupid, unsophisticated, or just trashy, so I feel like I picked this up from him, but I recently feel as though I possibly take it to another level. I hope I don't have actual narcissism. My question whether my obviously narcissistic uncle has any empathy, and I love cute animals and to show affection to people. I like to make people happy, and I feel really guilty and want to apologize a lot when I do something bad to them. I recall once really annoying somebody from excessively apologizing to him when I was likely in middle school.

I would feel so embarrassed saying any of this stuff to a psychologist or psychiatrist, especially the tranny shit and political shit.

>>81823593 (OP)
>>81823594
i could have written this myself. seriously, i started to just go absolutely fucking mental around 17 and now im 5 months away from being 25. except the roles with my dad were reversed, he was always treating me like shit and kicked me out during college. ive had all sorts of phases from being an unironic nazbol and wanting to wipe out trannies from existence, to having agp and trooning (i detransed VERY shortly after, but the estrogen ruined my body at a young age). i have also, ironically lechnically always been part of the lgbt even if i denounce it because i am bi for femboys ever since i was an early teen. never acted on it though. just this month ive had so many identity phases, from wanting to abandon society to be a trainhopping hobo, imagining fighting a civil war in america for communism (CIA NSI FBI i would never actually do this, dont worry im too stupid), wanting to just be a normal weeb dude, ect. bonus points for the toga picture, shes one of my waifus - something that also changes a lot because i cant even have a proper identity that way either.

you and me sound very alike. ive always seen myself as insane though, and so have all the people in my life. whether thats true or not, i dont know. but perhaps something for you to consider. i used to try with girls, now im just volcel. so i cant really relate to the incel part.

>>81823735
>because i am bi for femboys ever since i was an early teen. never acted on it though.
I had a femboy suck me off in the woods in 2020 (possibly 2021). He was an escort advertising in the trans section. I paid him $200. He sucked my cock, I ate his ass, and I licked his feet and fingers a bit. (I have a hands and feet fetish.) Very sweet boy. Had I had $300 instead of $200, I would've impregnated his bussy. Femboys are fun. The last time I had sex was in 2018 for around 5 minutes. I paid a local escort for it. I lost my virginity likely the day prior to a really ugly morbidly obese escort in her 40s. I did so because I was worried I would die a virgin. It was some OCD bullshit. That was the hardest I ever cried, and I wanted to kill that woman. I had my dad wash my bedsheets before going to bed that night. I almost got to lose my virginity to a 24-year-old woman when I was 15. I made out with her at a festival I was volunteering at for my high school key club when I was a freshman. I really wish I lost my virginity to her.

>>81823904
you seem like a very interesting person, and i mean that as a compliment. i wish i knew more people irl like you. instead i only know my normie coworkers. feels like there isnt enough unique left in the world, for better or worse you resonate with me

>>81823904
you paid a femboy 200 usd and didn't even get to fuck... they really do have higher standards huh

>>81823975
thank you, anon. i am unemployed. i have insomnia from ocd that prevents me from getting nearly any job that doesn't require any special or rare skill. i'm planning on going back to university this year, but i don't know how successful that will be. i hope to be studying mechanical engineering, and i've already acquired quite a bit of stem knowledge from obsessively reading and watching videos and even going through a few math textbooks to teach myself math up to calc 2, but i haven't reviewed any math since possibly 2022, but i still remember a lot of the stuff. i'm not sure how successful i will be. i can actually imagine myself getting a degree, since it would be a fun challenge like strength and hypertrophy training (lifting), but actually holding a job would be different.

>>81823975
also, despite being agp, i've intrinsically hated women to some extent since i was a child due to having grown up around an antisocial woman, my grandmother. i even hated female animals for a long time. i would form the strongest bonds with male animals.

>>81824034
im employed, but barely so because of the same reasons. i work like, a 4 hour shift 3 times per week. good luck from a fellow insomniac (4:22 AM here). you've got this

>>81823593 (OP)
You sound crazy as shit but i guess i'm similar. I have OCD to a degree, i have strange intrusive thoughts and i used to be obsessed with cleaning myself to the point i would spend almost 2 hours in the shower and i would scrub my hands until they bled. It was really bad about 5 years ago but i learned to manage on my own ig

Im also kinda mentally ill, i have mood swings that are oddly like yours. You're probably BPD, not a narcissist, since you actually feel guilt about things. The fluctuating empathy, identity issues and anger outbursts also correlate with that. Like how you said you want to hurt people, then you feel guilty and want to help them, that type of shit is textbook bpd.

Only diff between me and you i guess, i'm not a tranny, im just gay. I also don't really like femboys. I act really feminine tho and i almost trooned around around 2020 but i only did because i hated myself for being a feminine male and i thought i had to be a woman instead. I dont' really think this anymore tho.

You all make me feel normal with my long-term depression. I just feel like shit and do nothing for most of the time, but I'm very polite and well-spoken around people, it's just draining as I have to force myself to find topics and force myself to care about them and it's draining
Anyway I love Toga and I'd like her to be my yandere wife.

>>81824165
I haven't posted in this thread yet but I've been monitoring it because I am also a gay man with OCD. NOW I am really activated because I also have a massive tickle torture fetish and I have posted this picture before

>>81824252
Why are you gay, wouldn't you like a cute girl to tickle-torture you? The fact that girls are soft and sweet is half the appeal.

>>81824266
I think the femdom dynamic is hot. I'd love to team up with a girl and make a cute guy squirm.

>>81823593 (OP)
just be cognizant of your decisions and quit being an excuse making mentally ill faggot. Is that really so hard? To not be a retarded faggot is that so hard for you?

>>81824150
>BPD
You know what, I probably have this. The only time I recall having abandonment issues is when I was a little kid with my dad, but I've got pretty much all the other symptoms. I've been an incel pretty much all my life due to being obese, broke, and, aside from going to the gym (except from March 2020 to January 2024), locked in my room, so I haven't gotten a chance to have a girlfriend. I'm a little excited now, but the issue is that this could be something I identify with like OCD, and I don't want to be some cringe leftist who identifies with stupid shit that aren't achievements. I retardedly look forward to getting diagnosed with this now. It would be nice to tell my dad I have such a diagnosis so he'll be more understanding. I was feeling super anxious earlier, and now I'm excited, but I'm also cringing at myself. I always have some intense emotions that keep me from falling asleep, so I take four different sleep medications: quetiapine, suvorexant, melatonin, and zolpidem (ambien). I'm still pretty sure OCD is the main culprit, but I take these medications to relax overall.

Bump. I think I've finally figured out I have something other than OCD. I feel like now, I just have to actually visit a psychologist, potentially with my dad, and see what I get diagnosed with.

>>81825110
Good luck! i forgot I had the thread watcher open in the background so im still here! if you have insurance it should be fairly easy to get evaluated even as an adult.

>>81825133
I was diagnosed with OCD back when I was 16, and I've been receiving NEETbucks (SSI and benefits) since I was 21, and I also have medicare and medicaid because of that. I find it surprising that it took this long for me to figure out there's something wrong with me other than OCD. I thought those angry episodes and identity and self esteem issues were caused by OCD, but now it looks like a lot of that is caused by undiagnosed BPD.

>>81825133
>>81825336
>Good luck!
Also, thank you.