day 3 of waiting for him to come back

you see this, don't you?

>>81867741 (OP)
woah, it's been 3 days

I'm not coming back until you stop making these threads.

>>81867793
he'd say he finds them endearing

>>81867741 (OP)
Day 17 for me... I hope you get him back.

The Irtysh-Karamay-Urumqi Canal, also known as the Project 635 Canal, is a system of water-transfer canals and reservoirs in the northern part of China's Xinjiang Uighur Autonomous Region. It transfers water from the Irtysh River (which flows toward the Arctic Ocean) into several dry endorheic basins of north-central Xinjiang, where it is used for irrigation and general use of the population and industries.

>>81867893
i wish the best for you

>>81867909
waoh

man am i mentally ill right now

>>81867741 (OP)
You are so pathetic m. Nice to see that I was right

>>81867940
spill the tea sis

>>81867940
euuggh .. keep going, i'm close

>>81867990
Post more lolis slut

why don't you rebound on me instead cutie?

>>81868030
ask nicely

>>81868034
he was my fp, not my partner

>>81868068
Post more lolis slut, please

>>81868068
are u accepting new fps

>>81868068
alright ill be your new fp i want a bpd girl to become attached to me

>>81868081
you allllmooosst had it !!

>>81868097
i, unfortunately, don't get to choose who my brain attaches to

>>81868102
i don't want a new one, and you sound like the type of guy to say he wants a mentally ill girl only to become shocked when said mentally ill girl actually has behavioral issues

>>81868134
Post more lolis please

>>81868134
what makes ur brain attach to people

>>81868140

>>81868153
i guess i don't really know .. it kind of just happens. i've had times where i've become infatuated with coworkers who i've barely even spoken to. with my current fp, the attachment formed in less than a week due to us being so similar, i think. i haven't really met anyone who understands me and my interests fully.

>>81868068
i'd like to submit my application for fp (fapping pal)

>>81868190
what made him leave then? if you want someone to tolerate your worst, you should be open to admitting it too

>>81868193
ranked jerkmate?

>>81868211
we had actually just made up from a falling out right before he left. we didn't fight or anything when he had to leave again, but it still hurt. he had irl obligations that happened to not like me very much. i didn't want him to have to uproot his whole life for some random girl on the internet, so i told him it'd be better to just block me. it's selfish to wish for him back, but i'd like to think that maybe there's a reality that irl stuff could be sorted out enough to fit me back in his life.

>>81868264
>>81868190
what about you do you find hard for others to understand? are your irl obligations wide open?

>>81867741 (OP)
Just find a new host to latch onto, you freak.

>>81867741 (OP)
I do, but im not coming back. You need to just move on already. What we had wasnt special

>>81868304
i think my interests (gaming, anime, v-tubing) make it impossible to find anyone irl to truly be myself around, and, online, it feels like i can never quite find someone willing or able to handle my clinginess. i'm extremely overbearing at times. i can get upset at something as simple you leaving to shop for a few hours. i'm insufferably jealous. i hate the person i'm infatuated with going to be with other friends of theirs. i'm aware it's not realistic and utterly selfish, but it sends me down a spiral of fearing i'll be replaced with my perceived "competition."

>>81868264
and what made him worth obsessing over? you said that you obsessed over coworkers you barely spoke to, why was he different? or rather, was he different at all?

>>81868305
you describe me like a cute little leech

>>81868321
i giggled

>>81868366
he didn't give a fuck if i was clingy, and was accommodating of how i felt. he wouldn't ditch his other friends, but he'd attempt to compromise on the length. it felt like looking in a mirror anytime i'd talk about the things i was interested in. he was really encouraging of pursuing things i'm passionate about. he'd prioritize me, but that's what'd end up being a big problem in the end. it felt like having a government appointed friend created just for me, lol

>>81867741 (OP)
I ended things amicably with you.

I don't owe you an explanation. You should be able to figure out why I blocked you on discord and unfriended you on every game.

>>81868448
oh, yeahh? :3 what's my name?

>>81867741 (OP)
i'm sorry about that, anon
sadly you won't ever find anyone exactly like him again, but i hope you find someone close to that
don't give up on your friendships, aye? if he returns then great, but if not, well... don't tie yourself down to the past, please

>>81868430
then why are you here? you clearly have a level of awareness far beyond your usual bpd schizotard, so why did you distance yourself from him with no way of coming back? if he was willing to sacrifice for you, and you want to be sacrificed for, what did you fear? commitment?

>>81868462
Starts with an M.

>>81868478
i'm trying ): i've refused to meet anyone new despite craving interaction, but i'm going to wait a bit longer. all i need is a sign

>>81868495
i didn't distance myself. it's just complicated. yes, i told him to block me, but it was so he would still have a roof over his head. it felt wrong to have him choose me over everything else in his life. he would've lost his partner, housing, whatever. of course i wanted him to choose me, but it felt morally wrong to influence his decision like that.

>>81868502
wrong !! try again

>>81867990
>>81868190
Nevermind this isn't who I was thinking of

>>81868361
it's not impossible to justify dealing with some of those traits as long as something else makes up for it, the main thing is how those things have you acting, if you get lonely or feel jealous are you lashing out in harmful ways or cutely harmlessly pouting?

>>81868572
then, again, why are you here? if he was also insane (allegedly) enough to sacrifice his own home for someone he knew on the internet, and you were sane enough to realize the situation was extremely toxic, why are you trying to bring him back to you? wouldn't that negate your own restraint for his own good?

also, if you will, why was he so eager to give up his entire life for you?

>>81868572
>i've refused to meet anyone new despite craving interaction
don't deprive yourself, anon
be careful of rebounds but go through with it, loneliness is torturous

don't wait too long, you might wear yourself out sooner than you think

>>81868572
Oh you're not her though. Keep having your meltdown then.

>>81867741 (OP)
So are you pre or post op?

>>81868602
i guess it depends. if i'm left alone with no contact for a full day or feel like i'm being abandoned, i can lash out. i can't cope with being ignored. no communication if i see you active (and i do check things other than just discord. like if i see you playing a game on steam while not answering me) i will be upset. i likely won't lash out the first time this happens, but if you tell me you weren't with someone i KNOW you were with or active during a certain hour and i ltrly have evidence otherwise, yes i will lash out. communicating goes a long way for me, i can be okay with your absence for a bit, or at least cope with it, if you just tell me you'll be back within x amount of time. otherwise, i feel abandoned. but, like the store example i used, i can be inwardly upset, but i won't make that apparent to you. i will "cutely harmlessly pout" until you return. i might cry because i miss you, but yeah lol.

eek sorry for the massive wall of text, embarrassing.

>>81868624
i'm not sure he was. i think he was confused, but i think he would've chose his current life over having to restart just to keep me in it. i only want him to come back if he, by himself, has decided that he's not happy without me. if he is content with his life, i hope the best for him. i miss him regardless, but i'd hate to be the one to interfere. i guess that's a big reason why i'm posting here. we met on r9k (lol), and i know he browses. it'd be to his discretion if he chooses to reach out again. if he does read any of this, i don't want him to feel guilty at all. i am grateful we got to part ways on good terms despite everything. it's just not easy for me to break an attachment.

>>81868642
i've been through it a few times, this is the first time i've thought that maybe i'm not just being delusional lol, but i will manage

>>81868646
noo, just a different yearning retard.

>>81868679
i was confused by this thinking you mean original poster at first. no, i'm bio female. maybe you could try asking if i have daddy issues if you mean to insult me? :3

>>81868763
then my best wishes are out for you, anon
stay safe, don't let it consume you if you can help it, and try to make more frens
a few will do, too many will overwhelm you but too few might leave you like that

thank you for talking to me today
good night

>Captcha: DWYS2
>don't worry, you're sweet too

>>81868763
you're surprisingly grounded and mature for what you seem to portray yourself as, and for what your mental illness gets of you. how come you still succumb to your own impulses, even with this level of self awareness? and how come you act so cutesy the next second? who is the real you, to yourself?

>>81867741 (OP)
Stop crying about your groomer on /r9k. You are an underage ewhore kill yourself. You are a victim and wannabe femcel, go back to discord

>>81868705
sounds acceptable, and the obvious contradiction of "communicating goes a long way for me" directly followed by "but I won't make that apparent to you" does sound within range of normal foid antics, I prefer at least a bit of clingy behavior personally, the main issues with my past crazy ex bpd-demon were primarily the severity of lashouts

you'll find someone even with this level of crazy, some people are into it (provided you aren't fat, insanely ugly, or brown)

>>81868763
You let your attachment issues get to the point where their current life was at stake?
Are you really as innocent as you're making it out to be?

>>81868839
it's a tranny putting on an femcel persona. Are you like retarded? tbis thread is just weak bait by a tranny tryna demonize incels.

>>81867741 (OP)
ghastly thread snively

>>81868810
i appreciate you a lot, have a good night !!

>>81868839
it's pretty easy to seem grounded/mature in the aftermath, i guess. i am not as aware when everything is happening. i'm extremely emotionally driven, and, right now, i think i'm still in a phase of denial that i'm actually alone again so i think that's kind of cutting off my emotions lol. it's been full days of crying so i think i am just exhausted of doing that, i don't know.. i don't mean to portray myself as "enlightened" by any means. i can be very impulsive, mean, hateful, hurtful, etc. i say a lot of things i don't actually mean in the heat of the moment, things that can tend to be personal that i KNOW will purposely hurt someone, but when i'm like that i guess i excuse my behaviors as "well, they hurt me so they should hurt just as bad as i'm hurting." which obviously isn't good

>>81868878
yeah, contradiction is painful even to me and yet i still do it! idk why! retarded lol

>>81868856
21 years old, lol

>>81868896
i never said i was innocent, haven't you been reading? i also never held him hostage, either. he said he felt the same as me, so.

>>81868897
>just weak bait by a tranny tryna demonize incels
holy schizoaffective disorder

>>81868901
thank u for the bump, maybe he'll see this now thanks to u :)

>>81868929
that's how it is with emotions, they turn people pretty retarded

and we're always alone in the end, all human relationships are just drop-in/drop-out co-op sessions that only last as long as there's mutual benefit, don't stress it, I assume you didn't have a dad? It can be a negative, but in some cases it can be a blessing, I'm personally thankful that I didn't have one around

>>81868929
because you don't know why it happens. you haven't asked yourself enough, you haven't used this sober aftermath for growth, only for rationalization "x happens because of y", but never "why does y happen, or why do i reply with x". but even then, it's still excusable. even when you reply like that, you still end softly, you still humorize yourself, soften the blow like you aren't fully believing in what you're saying. adding "lol" to the end of your sentences isn't just a quirk. neither is the soft persona.

you haven't been allowed to be yourself, and you desperately try not to look inside yourself either because you're scared of what might be there. notice how you haven't answered to the most important question i left on my last reply: who are you to yourself? and maybe you aren't willing to answer that to some retard on 4chan, maybe not even to your fp if he returned. but, if you ever want to get out of the hole you've been born into, you need to claw out some way or another. and you start by clawing yourself

>>81868945
He felt the same as you? So you would've considered turning your life upside down for him? Take your meds, get better soon

>>81868945
we both r missing someone consider it a bump of empathy

>>81868987
this is probably pretty accurate.
>who are you to yourself?
is a question i dread. i have no clue. i think attempting to mimic "soft" or "cute" behaviors i've seen from girls being fawned over makes me believe i will be likable and people will stay. i think i do it pretty shittly, clearly if you are able to pick up on it lol, BUT THE LOL THING is just stupid coping. i am scared to look deeper because i genuinely have not been a great person to others, esp the people i've cared about or care for currently. i feel if i don't end it softly, it's going to end up collapsing on me and suffocating me which is obviously terrifying

>>81868901
>>81869041
is that u numbers?

>>81869009
>Take your meds, get better soon
o7

>>81869041
i hope you're doing okay, fellow yearner anon

>>81869059
>[...]able to pick up on it lol, BUT THE LOL THING
is this a meta joke?

you're fine, it works. didn't you not notice already by my incessant incisions that i'm not like other tards here? you come across as perfectly as you ever intended. problem is why you intended that at all.

don't be afraid of collapsing. if you aren't afraid of hurting others, of lashing out, of ending up alone or harming yourself after trying your best you shouldn't be scared of your whole barely kept house crumbling, because it means that you can build something better from it. it means that you know why it crumbled, because you demolished it yourself. if anything, i'm proud of you for reaching this far. just let me ask you another question: would you want to stop being yourself right now? would you rather not lash out, not cry over others, not be so emotional? or are you scared of losing the comfort of staying as yourself?

>>81867741 (OP)
good art
probably made by a boy (female)

>>81869064
why do so many people know numbers

>>81869064
GHOST my dearest snively how i have missed u !

>>81869145
i've missed u a lot too numbers. so much has happened, hahh... this isn't my thread it just activatedf my almonds,,,

are you doing ok?

>>81869152
auh i've been away but all the same emotions and rotting its okay im so aloof. how i found u in two posts aftr so long aaa <3. internet is so kind.. i knew u would surely b here. i hav missed u so much !!
u have to tell me all of everything that has happened^^

>>81869122
if i were able to, i would choose to not be myself a million times over. i don't really know who i am to begin with, and the unbelievable amount of guilt i hold for some things as small as just what i did on a certain day to bigger things like saying shit that would really stick to a person for a lifetime feels like a coffin that i can't get out of no matter how many times i apologize or attempt to make it up to whoever. i would rather not get so codependently attached to people. i value my entire self worth based off how my fixation person treats me or views me, so if they were to tell me i should stop eating for a week, i would. if they told me cut myself open, i would. i've had experience of people using that to their own gain. it makes me vulnerable, but it also harms the other person because they are practically shoved into a contract that they never actually signed. i can only imagine how exhausting it must be to basically babysit another human being 24/7 with fear that, if you don't comply, they'll kill themselves. it's a burden for others and myself. i hate making people feel responsible, but i also hate that i attempt over someone i've only known for less than a month. it's miserable. i have no comfort staying myself, i think that's another reason why i try to employ other behaviors i see people i look up to or people who are just well liked doing.

>>81869182
ahh i've been doing really bad,, i have the same emotions but they're even more frenetic and haywire. i was thinking of you recently n missed you a lot. i wondered if you were still around... <3

i met someone who reminded me a lot like you but they're just not as cute,, really. um! the worst case scenario of things happened. like, really really bad. so i'm utlra mega menhera and stuff you know? i don't have a happy ending here to my story at all i'm sorry... what about you?

>>81869207
how about you actually try being a better person then... clearly this obsession is just an escape from the inevitable reality that you'll always be your miserable self as long as you allow it. you drown out your self-hatred by attempting to make others depend on you and dread the moment they even leave for shopping because that'd mean sitting alone with your thoughts. i doubt you'd be so self-sacrificing as to do whatever your person asks you to. it's obvious you only have your own self interest in mind. (and nobody else's -- not even your fp, because you wouldn't be making these threads otherwise)

>>81869207
thank you, really. i don't know how to say it without cheapening it but i really appreciate your openness

what are you looking for, exactly? when you attach yourself to others, when you put on cutesy personas, you're clearly looking for validation. for someone to justify your existence, because you yourself cannot find worth within you. but beyond that, what do you want? what would be the first thing that you'd change, were you able to do so immediately? not just "i wish i was good" or "i wish i stopped feeling bad", but one concrete thing you yourself want to have, or get rid of

>>81869244
bad.,. au.,. always so much emotions flowing thru-(you) ur amazing how u manage at all. I rlly hope its not so heart sinking but i fear... u so often cross my mind n i wondered the same. to meet u so quik after i havent posted in so long has made me ecstatic,., <3 !
auu! n i hav met none like u. it makes me ill that its so awful ghost.. it can't b the end pls. mega menhera.. i hope u've had a vent.. i am such a bore but uknow that--. nothing new dissociation & burning time

>>81869336
i've always been really emotional i guess, yeah.. i express myself at large volume. i was thinking to myself "i wonder if numbers still posts", that's pretty crazy timing that we're both back here, huh? i haven't been around in a long time either.. funny that.

it's.. really heart sinking. take however bad you think it might've been and then multiply it by a zorbillion. i wanted to talk to you but i figured it was a long shot... idk if it's the end of my saga but... it's looking grim. i wish things kinda ended well, yeah? don't we all? you're never much a bore, i like your input and thoughts.

in the burning of time has much come by your way? did you ever resolve your initial problems that we started posting together about?

>>81869207
Damn. Someone went into my head and read my life story around anyone I am in a relationship with. This is very concerning.... Deeply loving and caring for someone, but also knowing you are a burden who causes the people you love to suffer. Then getting abandoned by them when you try everything to make them stay, when all you want is to be healthy for them and for them to stay around.

>>81867893
day uhhhhh it's been like 3 months and before that he was gone even longer i hope you all find better people fuck these guys.

>>81869406
I don't want anyone else is the problem, but thank you. I hope the person you like comes back.

>>81869375
thats what makes u so luvly if so volatile in ur own mind ghost.. u make me even more joy'd if u rlly have just come back as well aaa the internet is an angel..
ugfh im sick i don't wanna think its so bad desu why can't people ever understandd why can't they reciprocate., do u feel like its the end do u want to finally give in.. to watch it all go to ash-
i hav been so monotonous. my memories r hazy and i can't think like i used too,. but my problems then r gone. ended badly n sadistically but i made them vanish n now im free. free 2 b alone in my drifting dissociative cocoon

>>81868361
I'm really similar and i had a best friend/fp/bf whatever who didn't mind my clinginess and in fact liked it but over the years it really wore him down. i hate being like this but at the same time i really wish someone would just accept me for the mentally ill piece of shit i am. i feel you ... i miss mine but he deserves better and I'm sure he knows it. when you try to keep someone close and stop them from leaving it makes them angry and resentful..

>>81869267
the first one to sting a bit, but you still neglected to actually read everything i've posted in the thread
>how about you actually try being a better person then
you could always even ATTEMPT to give advice, but you seem to only like projecting.

>>81869285
i think validation is a really big motivator overall. i like to feel like the center of someone's life as they are to mine. i like to not feel so alone in how my brain processes emotions and how i attach to people. i want to be seen and for it to be reciprocated fully. i long for that, but it's not a healthy dynamic so that's painful.
>what do you want?
again, such a hard question for me. if i could change anything about myself, i'd probably say my willpower. i don't even think my emotions are exactly the issue, but the fact that i am so willing and even eager to just allow myself to sink into a complete stranger just for the /chance/ that they'd be able to give me that connection i yearn for. i nearly always regret giving myself so fully to someone who just ends up using me or leaving, but i'm the same fool who jumps in head first before anyone else. i wish i had restraint. i wish i was able to actually take my past experiences into perspective instead of just letting emotions and impulse cloud my judgement. it feels like this person will be my savior, and i treat them as such. i set myself up for failure, and i also put the person on such a high pedestal that it's impossible for them ot even reach, it's not fair to them either.

>>81869428
i'm so sorry, anon. i really relate to this. i hope things become easier on your mind. i hope you are able to find someone who cherishes you from all angles

>>81869416
nah I'm >>81869428 i miss him more than anything he saw all the worst parts of me and accepted it until i assume he found something better or realized he deserved something better. I'm left with burnt out feelings towards someone who no longer cares and it sucks. i would do anything for him but he wouldn't do anything for me. im torn because i don't want anyone else either but i don't want to live life in the past hanging onto feelings and affections from years ago that no longer matter today. if you love someone you set them free but if they come back and leave and come back and leave what do you do? fuck my stupid yearning life. i really do get kinda how you feel I'm pretty tired of being ruled by emotions and living for someone else. sorry for the vent lmao dunno if you're op or not but you seem like a nice person op. surely there's someone out there who will always pick you first. someone you'll love even deeper and more beautifully you just don't know it yet.

>>81869458
[ still op ]

it's so frustrating seeing myself write all this out and acknowledge it fully, but this empty pit in my stomach still feels like such a vital piece of my puzzle is missing if i DON'T have a fixation person. i feel so fucking miserably lost when i have no one to obsess over, and, at least the first few days to weeks of a new infatuation, feels like absolute euphoria that i cannot replicate with anything else no matter how hard i try. i feel genuinely and blissfully happy when i latch onto someone, like no other feeling in the world. i feel saved

>>81869427
i am very volatile.. you always know me so well. the internet is funny in how it works...

um, even if it's all burning around me. even though this is the bad route end. i still don't wanna give up. not on myself, really, or a lot of other things. i still have to persevere. i want to try my best, until the day i can't try anymore. the world is ashen enough already, why give in and add to the pile?

;< i am sorry things ended badly in your case. it seems both of us had a bad ending.. blergh. but now you are free as you wanted, free as you desired. bittersweet isn't it,,

i am sorry, it is quite late and i am still really exhausted mentally for a lot of reasons. it would be nice to see more of you,, take care okay?

why do you guys think pretending your shift key is broken makes you real women

>>81869458
you are so much more lovable when you present yourself like this, at least in my opinion.

there's nothing wrong, or unhealthy about anything of what you just said, however. wanting someone to love fully and someone to fully see you for what you are and not just for what they want to see isn't anything extraordinary or wishful. you're on the right track by sticking to your standards. you clearly have the framework to become a great person, yet you're missing someone to guide you there.

>>81869489
i think it's really pretty. i understand your pain, i know how it feels to be so lost, so misunderstood and surrounded by guilt and misery that the slightest hint of hope feels like salvation, only to continue the loop again. but there's a beauty in that suffering. you could have given up. you could have ignored everyone, you could have kept on repeating the cycles over again. and yet you didn't. you're here, acknowledging your whole self, and how much you hate it. it's so hard to become detached from hope when that's what your entire life has been running on since god knows why. just know that it's okay to fuck up. even when you know you're fucking up. maybe not always entirely okay, but okay enough.

if you want to take a moral from this, then i can give you some guidance. if not, then i hope that i could at least share your pain for a bit. but the biggest thing you could do right now is embrace yourself, and give you space. make yourself the person you obsess over, if that makes any sense. not immediately, of course, but try to slowly bring yourself back into the spotlight of your own life. i think what you need the most is recognizing how much you're worth by yourself, even as you are right now

>>81869530
because it's the way a lot of people write texting or chat apps. why is the default to go insult tranny these days though? whatever happened to faggot and retard? candy ass jabroni

>>81869504
i hope i even know u will sublimate all that volatile energy ghosti. i believe in u,. it makes me happy u still want to try and i need to hear that myself i think.. i adore hearing u say so.
it is bittersweet so sweet to be so free but so useless to be too when ur so aimless.
dont b sorry silli. i know ur rlly tired. sweet dreams,, i hope to see more of u too, if only in telepathy. take care for me too- <3

>>81869558
>why is the default to go insult tranny these days though?
probably because you exclusively post little anime girls that you most definitely don't look like, roodypoo

>>81867741 (OP)
good luck out there annonette I hope u can find love in this clusterfuck of a world
>>81867909
W scitzoengineer canals are cool but I like boats better personally

>>81869618
i never post anime girl images it takes too much effort you double roodypoo. in fact i fucking hate posting with this dumb ass captcha

>>81869557
i really cannot express my gratitude enough to you. you've give me a lot to think about in such an empathetic way. you've told me things i really needed to hear. thank you so much for your kindness and patience ): i do hope with all this advice, you've healed from any experiences you may have gained your lessons from. i hope you're doing alright, and i really wish you nothing but the best going forward. i'm very lucky to have gotten to talk to you :)

i took a melatonin to try to fix my sleep schedule so i'm going to finally head off, but i'm going to leave my discord here if you or anyone else coping here wants or needs to reach out for venting or whatever other reason!!

dc @innocenf

goodnight everyone, i hope you all feel better, too thank you for keeping me some company

>>81869649
[ still op ]

fuck im stupid and forgot to add which this might be a given, but i will be asleep so pls don't feel upset if ur request doesn't get accepted instantly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay, goodnight

>>81869662
i'll probably won't request you immediately, i can't guarantee i ever will. but even if we never meet again, i'm glad my words meant something to you, and i do hope they help you in becoming a happy person. i knew you deserved better from the first moment i read your first reply

sleep well :)

>>81868945
Maybe you should kill yourself. You obviously are a victim you're nothing but a used up whore,you got used for your body and can't cope with it so you are crying on the incel board.

>>81868945
>holy schizoaffective disorder
shut the fuck up tranny.

>>81869649
Lmao of course it's a discordian faggot. Why are you here on the incel board? go back to discord. We get it you wasted, your youth getting groomed and abused on discord kill yourself nigger.

>>81869679
Simp cuck faggot kill yourself nigger