>>81887873 (OP)I am really scared of failing, man.
I am scared of showing passion or feelings about something and getting humiliated because of it.
I hate it. But my hatred of myself is greater than my hatred for this situation. I am not only just so fucking bored, I am also afraid, and frustrated.
Intimacy feels like it has something to do with it. Like, as a concept. Intimacy with the world, as in being able to show myself as I am in the world. I just can't do it. I KNOW I will fail, and I will hate it. So I just don't do it.
I wish I could draw, write, play instruments, go out and analyze things on my own, THINK on my own. But I'm a failure and I can't.