Thread 81966044

whats your favorite form of selfharm, robots? for me its consuming media i know will just worsen my mental health

reading my journal is psychological torture I hate myself

>>81966044 (OP)
>whats your favorite form of selfharm
thinking

>>81966044 (OP)
Cutting (don't do it anymore)
Blunt-force trauma
Deliriants (benadryl)
[Spoiler]4chan/spoiler

I just sleep or lie in bed and do nothing and let my life pass, I avoid and flee from every other activity so I can get back to bed

>>81966044 (OP)
Ignoring my life by hiding in 4chan of course

>>81966054
i very rarely read mine, but it is sometimes hard to read it when i do. why do you hate yourself?
>>81966056
classic
>>81966061
im fond of benedryl as well, how much do you take? do you try to go for hallucinations or just the nice sedated feeling?
>>81966065
healthier than some things at least... maybe read books in bed, i do that sometimes when im rotting
>>81966068
my mental health is somehow worse without this place lol, have you ever went long without it to see if it was rly harming you or not?

>>81966086
>maybe read books in bed
the issue is that I often feel too bad (sleepy, unable to concentrate, weak) to even play computer games, let alone read a book. So I just lie in bed until I feel better.

>>81966086
>have you ever went long without it to see if it was rly harming you or not?
Don't think I can chief, far too late for me now.

>>81966086
>im fond of benedryl as well, how much do you take? do you try to go for hallucinations or just the nice sedated feeling?
8 tabs was the most before I got sent to the grippy sock place recently. Its self harm for me I never felt relaxed off it I had no idea it can do that I wanna feel like I have the flu and like I'm dying for a night and morning so I can punish myself for being a weak faggot and feel alive again. Lol trust me I'm not insane hahahahahahaha. I saw shadow people though no hat man though but yeah I basically know what schizos feel like for 2 nights I hope it didn't permanently change my brain haha

>>81966099
hm, i understand. ive spent alot of time bedbound. do you listen to music or audiobooks? im fond of both when im too tired to move, i can drift into other worlds that way
>>81966102
its never too late anon, but i understand. id be a hypocrite if i said i didnt often feel the same way about things
>>81966107
oh... im sorry anon. i always do it as a form of sedation and sometimes go a little far and end up in a paranoid state for a few hours. do you still take it sometimes? or just avoid it entirely now? i hope youre not selfharming like this now

>>81966123
>i hope youre not selfharming like this now
No. I'm done with SH. Said it before, got sent to the grippy place for 3 weeks for texting a suicide hotline I was planning on killing myself. Alot has happened since and I said it would be the last visit every time and last time I did I only did it like 4 times though. Blunt force trauma like smashing my head on stuff is my most common way of SH again I hope to be done with that too.

If I wanna be relaxed I might vape weed but I don't consider that SH also not a stoner.

>>81966123
When I lie in bed... I just lie with a laptop next to me like right now, so I can listen to things or lurk 4chan or just simply bedrott.

>>81966127
i see isee, im glad youre doing better then anon, i hope you dont feel the need to SH ever again and live healthily!
>>81966147
thats comfy and cozy, i always phone rot. too much effort to physically scroll with a trackpad or type on a real kb

>>81966086
It exposes my failures, reveals better paths not taken, unearths feelings unshared, clears smoke of bridges burned. The hate burns because theres always things wrong with me, others, and the world, and I can barely catch the things wrong with me.

>>81966177
we live in a flawed world, we are all flawed people. i find myself hating myself a lot for my mistakes and screwups too. i write my feelings out about everything and have discussions with myself until i can live with the guilt for another day and go on when i get stuck too deep in a self-loathing loop

>>81966044 (OP)
every once in a while i relapse to cutting. ive even cut in a good mood when nothing is wrong, hich makes me feel guilty and sad then i cut more out of anguish. dunno why im like this.

>>81966426
hm, ive never done this form of self harm. doesnt the physical pain hurt alot? i can emotionally harm myself cus im so used to it, but physical pain is too much for me

>>81966521
the nerve pain can cause a bit of itchiness, but only on the outer layer of skin. its like getting a shot at the drs office, a tiny pinch then the deeper it goes you feel nothing. not even when blood is pooling.

>>81966686
i see. is it pleasurable at all? or is it like a way to relieve pent up emotions?

Alcohol. It's bad for my health and making me fat but I can't stop.

>>81966761
whats your fav poison? i like vodka, since its cheap and my tolerance is low enough that a $20 bottle lasts me forever

think about that foid who ruined my life and smoke

mostly bedrot, but yeah, drugs-- though i cant rly even get addicted to anything atp

>>81966796
I used to drink all sorts of stuff, at least now I have mainly managed to cut out and don't often have anything stronger than beer. I do enjoy rum a lot, depending on my mood I can mix it with coke or hot water or even drink it straight. But like I said I try to stay away from that stuff now. I easily drink a sixpack or two per day of beer though.

>>81966821
what did she do? if you dont mind the question, i dont want to be invasive or bring up bad feelings
>>81966822
prob a good thing, not getting addicted to anything. what did you used to take?
>>81966835
hmm, isnt a six pack of beer worse than a few shots of vodka? id assume so anyway, too many calories for me to drink beer regularly. i do like rum too tho, esp sweet coconut rum... wish i had some now desu

originally i would hit things really hard but that was not good because my hands got really really fucked up(fractured knuckles etc) and everyone could see and i work a labor job which involves doing a lot of stuff with my hands so it was not only excruciating but everyone would see
so i switched to cutting because it's trivial to hide and doesnt do as much damage but that started having its own problems too(cant walk right for a few days, nerve damage)
so i just decided to abuse alcohol like a normal person now

>>81966044 (OP)
Starving myself but used to be cutting. Almost miss those times.

>>81966884
welcome to the alcoholics club i suppose. i didnt know cutting could cause that kind of damage, thats kind of scary. glad youve seemed to stop, i hope you can move on from the alcohol too one day
>>81966894
what do you miss about them?

>>81966739
it depends. have you ever had like, idk how to describe it, the chewy kind of pain where the pressure feels good like chewing on gum? its kind of like that but for my arms. it also releases pent up sadness and frustrations. i wouldn't call myself a depressed person these days either, life is going good. but i still think about doing it for pleasure sometimes.

>>81967000
i think im understanding, ya. it sounds like how i feel when i take too many pills or alcohol, the harm im doing releases the pain in a weird way, and feels good in the moment

>>81966044 (OP)
The same as yours but a close second is hitting myself in the head really hard like a total autistic freak.

>>81967026
youre not a freak, its okay. what media do you usually consume?

>>81966044 (OP)
life's just too annoying and I don't know what to do
I sometimes cut or stab myself, recently I started sticking needles in myself and now I'm also thinking about buying benadryl and taking that
>just worsen my mental health
I like making myself depressed too but for me it's a nice feeling
it's weird but when I'm sad I feel like I can think more straight and I have some thoughts in my head instead of constant static

>>81967090
i abuse benedryl, cant really recommend it honestly, a bit is nice to fall asleep with at low dose or just sedate yourself but some people take it too far and really screw themselves up
>it's weird but when I'm sad I feel like I can think more straight and I have some thoughts in my head instead of constant static
i understand, ya its a somewhat nice feeling for me too. i think i just like relating to media. i cant relate to really happy media, but sad stuff? it feels like home

>>81967111
>cant really recommend it
I see, what I think would be perfect is some drug that was easily available and help me pass college because that shit is draining me
>cant relate to really happy media, but sad stuff? it feels like home
same
I especially like channels like dbdr where people just talk about their shitty life
What sad content do you like?

>>81967168
>I see, what I think would be perfect is some drug that was easily available and help me pass college because that shit is draining me
nicotine and caffeine are the easiest to come by for that, i say that as a fellow uni student. maybe try to get a script for adderal or something too.
>I especially like channels like dbdr where people just talk about their shitty life
im too old for incel content honestly, or maybe just too tired and uncaring. most of the sad stuff i consume are books or anime, sometimes a game if i find one substantial

>>81967182
>nicotine and caffeine
caffeine doesn't seem to have an effect on my strangely enough even though I think it maybe twife a year, even if I drink something strong I feel the same
I may try nicotine though I despise smoking so maybe nicotine patches
>script for adderal or something
I'm a friendless almost a neet since going to college is basically a way to not have to get a job yet
I don't know how to get that
>books or anime
any animu recommendations?

>>81967242
>caffeine doesn't seem to have an effect on my strangely enough even though I think it maybe twife a year, even if I drink something strong I feel the same
might be adhd, caffeine affects us differently than it does normal people. for me it just calms my mind a bit, still worth using
>I'm a friendless almost a neet since going to college is basically a way to not have to get a job yet
might want to talk to your parents if youre on their insurance and then talk to a GP, what i did anyhow
>any animu recommendations?
texhnolyze, higurashi, spice and wolf, haibane renmei are the first things that come to mind for me, ive been watching alot of sad stuff lately

>>81967259
>might be adhd
it's not out of the question
But I remember going to a psychiatrist as a kid and they only found dyslexia
although I wouldn't be surprised if that was somehow influenced by my mother
gaslighting everyone that I'm "normal"
>might want to talk to your parents
I dunno man I'm trying to talk to them as little as possible
How do you get it? like what do you say?
>are the first things that come to mind
thank you anon

>>81966044 (OP)
Being a wage cuck.

I am also thinking about buying a whip to self flagellate. Though neither do I know where to buy one nor do I want people to notice it if it leaves visible wounds.

>>81967287
>But I remember going to a psychiatrist as a kid and they only found dyslexia
doctors who dont know much about adhd will ignore diagnosis for anyone without the hyperactive symptoms ignoring the existence of primarily inattentive adhd. i told mine i had problems paying attention, issues with absent-mindedness, and didnt respond to caffeine the same way other people did. the last one got him to take me seriously
>thank you anon
i hope you enjoy them, if you end up watching any of them
>>81967289
a whip is kind of loud no? someone might notice that sound

>>81967298
>ignore diagnosis for anyone without the hyperactive
funny thing is I used to be hyperactive
but maybe I'd have to be put into some special school so that's why they didn't diagnose that
plus back then there there used to be a bigger stigma around those things
>problems paying attention, issues with absent-mindedness, and didnt
yea that's me
though self diagnosis is not good
but I may visit a doctor to get evaluated
>if you end up watching any of them
I probably will, sounds like a good way to procrastinate working on projects

>>81967339
watch texhnolyze first or last depending on how miserable you want to be after all of them. its the most despair-ridden one

>>81966044 (OP)
Chasing after avoidants or the emotionally unavailable until they break my heart into millions of pieces

>>81967601
hm, what do you consider avoidant or unavailable? are you attracted to ghosters?

>>81967601
I actually had this taken not long ago lmao

>>81967608
Just emotionally detached, as soon as relationships get serious they pull away
>Ghosters
Well I guess so since avoidants kinda just fade out of relationships and gradually become more detached/annoyed.
Which makes me crazy and hurt more/want to chase them more because of abandoment fears

>>81967631
I'm anxious attachment, we could be really bad for each other

>>81967669
mmm. sounds somewhat bpd? sorry if thats a rude question/suggestion, just sounds similar to bpds i have known and im a tad drunk

>>81967677
yeah, we'd be a horrible match i think

I have a serial case of being distant towards people just because I'm afraid I'll get attached and they'll get bored of me. You can't really get dumped if you didn't make any friends at first I guess...

>>81967669
>emotionally detached, as soon as relationships get serious they pull
literally me

>>81967682
No, I've been evaluated for all kinds of shit and so far only depression and anxiety is all I have been diagnosed with. But I've been suspecting that I have BPD.

>>81967727
they would have probably found it by now if youve been seeing doctors in my extremely unprofessional opinion, but idk. how severe are your abandonment fears? do you have issues with mood swings?

>>81967689
I feel you, when I was younger I was afraid of letting people get too close too (still am but to a lesser extent).
But I would just freak out at them, tell them that I hated them and wanted them out of my life, etc just to regret it a week later and come back with my tail between my legs until they broke contact.

>>81967800
I'm not as obvious but i think my messages to them would be less frequent, I'd see them less. I'd talk to them less until they ghosted me themselves. It's sad but it's the only way i knew with neglectful parents

for me?

its riding some shitty unsafe motorcycle

>>81967811
It sucks to not be able to really trust people, I understand. It is sad, hopefully we'll heal some day.
At least you're not hurting people deliberately like I did.
I also had neglectful parents but I guess I went to the complete opposite side.

>>81967762
They don't know everything I've done because I feel ashamed to admit that I used to be a straight up evil human being.
Not as severe as they used to be, but I still have the feel to spam guys and tell them I hate them when they don't respond but I actually don't do that now.
Not really no

>>81966044 (OP)
>>81966065
>>81966099
Please don't avatarfag as this character. You don't measure up to her.

She's beautiful and lovely. You're ugly, both on the inside and on the outside (especially since you're on this website, geg)

>>81967864
i can sympathize. ive been a really awful person in the past, talking about it to people is very difficult. you seem to be improving tho, so perhaps youre overcoming whatever the root issue is

drinking alcohol

posting on 4chan

>>81966044 (OP)
Fast food and escapism

>>81967946
Yeah, it's hard to actually face who you used to be but that's the only way to really improve I guess.
I don't think I could ever talk to people about what I've done.
Yeah, I think I'm slowly becoming better but I'll never be normal. I just have coping mechanisms that work now.

>>81966044 (OP)
putting myself into dangerous situations, i usually take the most dangerous jobs available to me
bedrotting and eating slop

>>81966044 (OP)
I don't really self-harm nowadays, if I am feeling bad I either drink some coffee, go for a run or go to sleep if it's late enough
when I was in uni I would get really stressed sometimes however and punch my head or hit it with books and I did resort to cutting a few times and that's pretty addicting, sometimes I still think about it but I don't really have a valid reason to do it anymore

>>81967980
favorite poison/alcohol?
>>81968023
i wish you luck; healing and forgiving yourself of whatever guilt youre holding onto. i wish it was easier
>>81968054
ah, adrenaline addict? do you do any sports?
>>81968060
you sound like youre doing well. i hope you dont slip back into that cutting habit, or any other self harm and stay healthy!

>>81968102
>do any sports?
i used to play football in highschool because i would constantly get hurt trying to block bigger kids so my fingers were constantly broken throughout the year.
i like fighting so i join alot of martial arts gyms

>>81966044 (OP)
social suicide
used to like benadryl and cutting
only punching makes sense now and even then, eh
social suicide has a certain brand of terror to it and i loathe it too but it's shockingly easy to do and once you pop it's hard to stop

>>81966044 (OP)
Probably alcohol or cutting. I used to get really drunk and cut myself but I've been clean on both for about 9 months

>>81966044 (OP)
>whats your favorite form of selfharm, robots?
Hot sauce. All pain no marks.

jerking off to porn and gay hookups
i've never actually hooked up with a guy before but i just might if i can't get a real date soon

>>81966994
Miss is the wrong term I guess, but I sometimes want to cut again, really badly. It was a way for me to get my emotions out and now I do not really have anything.

>>81966044 (OP)
For me it's browsing 4chan and seeing all the posts from people who hate me and want me dead :3