I think my conspiracy theorist mother forcing me to consume many pieces of media concerning the sinister cabal that is facilitating the fall of the western society, the twisted nature of how society treats its 'undesirables', and tons of religious bullshit propaganda at the age of 13, has permanently affected my outlook on life, interpersonal relationships, and significantly raised my odds for SPD. I think about this shit everyday and it fucks with my mental in a way that makes me fight this defeatist attitude about life on the daily. I'm losing that battle. I can't talk to anyone about it because the subject matter is both excessively info dense and negative, and due to this it's incredibly hard to find anyone who will stomach my thoughts about life. It made me grow up much too early, and I cannot relate to those within my same age group, nor can I relay these ideas to them. I will die poor, alone in all capacities, and likely by my own hand, and it all stems back to her.
>and why am I posting this wall of text here?
this thread is for the sake of myself, and myself alone.

Same but i had faggot leftist parents and had to come to the conclusions that you were born in on my own.

The truth is that life without god is empty. Secular life becomes boring the moment you are no longer financially struggling. So just have faith in god and focus on school and work.

Go to church and meet someone who is not lost, and hold on to your faith like a secular atheist holds on to his tranny porn stash

>>82082029
>Go to church and meet someone who is not lost, and hold on to your faith like a secular atheist holds on to his tranny porn stash.
my brain pokes and prods holes into the idea of religion too much to truly believe again. I'd love to go back for the community building aspects, which I think is one of the greatest benefits of the church to society, but I'm no longer of the faith and my relationship to religion has been strained by said conspiracy theory bullshit. it's much worse that I'm into history too, as it makes it all the more clear how religion can so easily be perverted for all of the wrong reasons, and that it can be used as a method or reasoning towards gaining greater control of a people or narrative. hell, it's happening in my country as we speak, and it's part of the reason places like gaza are getting wiped from the map.

>>82080950 (OP)
What is SPD? Suicidal personality disorder?
Also it's really not a wall of text. I just think people have no attention span anymore.
I grew up too fast myself because my parents divorced and then I had a new step father who was the man I wanted to be but he died when I was a teenager of cancer. Living through my parents divorce and his death and other life changing problems made me feel like I wasn't in control of my own destiny. COVID 19 in 2020 made me really feel that way again. Now I'm in my early 30s and I don't know what to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OFpfTd0EIs

>>82082314
>What is SPD? Suicidal personality disorder?
Schizoid Personality Disorder, though I am inactively suicidal.
>I had a new step father who was the man I wanted to be but he died when I was a teenager of cancer
holy shit man, I'm sorry for your loss. if it's of any consolation at all I'm sure that you could no doubt be like him with enough effort, but I'd understand if that's no longer a priority of yours.
>COVID 19 in 2020 made me really feel that way again.
same, COVID was a huge factor to why I'm the person I am now. It introduced that helpless feeling to me, and thanks to alot of this shit I talked about happened around the same time or concurrently, I'm still figuring out how to break out of mental cycles from that period. It was also the time that made me really realize I was suicidal and was perhaps the most active I was in seeking it out. It was probably the most turbulent time for me mentally, and it caused for me to really catch those early signs of SPD with the way I was distancing myself from others, including my at the time gf. we partially broke up cause of this.
>I'm in my early 30s and I don't know what to do.
shit dude, if your career has already been started I'd just focus on myself if I was in your shoes. especially if you're feeling any of the same way still from that period of time, it's best to get as much of that shit out of the way any way you can. that, or just living it day by day until you find a greater goal can't hurt.

>>82082470
I have no career
I have only ever worked entry level jobs like food service, retail, working for call centres. Work for me has been a way to pay bills and nothing more. I haven't had success in dating, in my employment career. It just feels like so much of my life has been dedicated to avoiding thinking about the failures built on failures that lead to me being single and on the edge of poverty since the moment I turned 18

>>82082558
fuck man, we've got similar stories as I've been stuck in the grip of poverty my whole life. I haven't gotten a job yet that can actually match my cost of living, and I'm still kind of undecided on my career choice. I haven't had much luck with relationships either, if you couldn't tell already with the last reply. because I've had such intense as well as many kinds of bad experiences, it holds me back from putting my heart out there again. I'm sure we'll both make it if we really try, but it's a hole we both have to dig ourselves out of.

>>82080950 (OP)
Let's be real you were gonna be different either way. If you know as much as you say then you already know that you were never going to fit in with the normgroids, whether you had the knowledge or not. Hell you could've ended up getting groomed by some tranny I figure.

>>82082596
I just get really mad about certain topics. Like when people talk about how important education is. Delayed gratification. There's no guarantee that education actually improves your life outcomes. I went back to school a couple of times and it never lead to me earning $1 more. It's like that marshmallow test they have with kids. Giving up 1 Marshmallow now for the promise of 2 marshmallows later. But later never arrives. I think if you ran that study like people you or me experience reality there would be different conclusions. The people who enjoyed the marshmallow now and 6 hours later Vs people who give up their marshmallow now for the promise of future gratification. And then 6 hours later they don't get 2 marshmallows they get told they have to make even more sacrifices. And then they get told just keep sacrificing marshmallows and you'll get your gratification one day just wait. Or they'll say it's a moral failing on you for not waiting long enough and it's your fault.
I know I'm basically repeating arguments I've had with my Mom in many forms over many years. But it's just like reality is teaching me that delaying gratification isn't worth it and that education has been a waste of time and money every time I pursued it. But my Mom wants me to come to the "right" answer which has nothing to do with the reality I am experiencing. It's just the world as it exists on paper. Or in her and other people's imagination

>>82082615
>you already know that you were never going to fit in with the normgroids
I started seeing myself as different as early as 12, part in due to me being accelerated classes in school and being a POC, but mostly because this was when I started to hear about 4chan culture through others and furthermore related to it. I think got exposed to YT greentexts around this time but it's been a long while, too long for me to remember the specifics.
>you could've ended up getting groomed by some tranny I figure.
never. though I couldn't say the same for some of my peers.

>>82082652
>It's like that marshmallow test they have with kids
matter of fact they did this test with my class in like 5th grade. I ate the marshmallow without a second thought because I'd rather it have not gotten stale. it's a little novel to talk about on it's own, but I can see where that preference of gratification sooner than later really came into play in other aspects of my life now. this is especially true with how shit is today, instant gratification is the norm.
>delaying gratification isn't worth it and that education has been a waste of time
I agree with the former especially in cases where it's delayed for simply the sake of it, but education is something that I find heavily varies between people. some people have better experiences than both of us have had, whereas I've wasted hundreds, upwards of thousands of dollars on a degree I won't get until 3 years from now at the soonest. obviously alot can happen in 3 years, and while it's my choice to further my education and chance my time and resources on it, I'll never blame someone else for not being a fan of the way shit is now. it's almost perfectly designed to have you waste these resources as much as possible on the way to getting that degree. keep in mind, this excludes some other forms of postsecondary education like trade school.
>Mom wants me to come to the "right" answer which has nothing to do with the reality I am experiencing.
she wants you to simply adhere to the status quo I'm assuming? many such cases.

I'm not gonna say we don't live in a chaotic hellscape because we absolutely do
BUT
the chances of you actually being personally negatively affected by any of this chaos is minuscule

the "nothing ever happens" people are right
t. lived through
>Y2K
>9/11
>iraq "conflict"
>2000s recession
>2012 (nothing even exploded)
>net neutrality
>COPPA
>trump's first term and "he will not divide us"

idk man
things are usually just fine honestly

>>82082731
well the difference I wanna make clear is that some of those were events based purely in theory and hype like Y2K and 2012. and well yeah sure most of these events don't directly significantly change the life of me, they cause cultural and sometimes economic ripples that can make their way over to many.
for example:
>2008 recession
my family's home ended up taking alot of the brunt and we had to downsize alot over the next few years, including losing our house.
some of these events are only part of a greater scheme or are a powercreep to something greater like:
>net neutrality
this was inconsequential within itself, but this was the moment that made it exceedingly clear that the government wanted to gain further control over online spaces, which now we are seeing moving very fast into full effectiveness in not just in the usa, but across the entire english commonwealth and the western world.
>Iraq & Afganistan
friend's brother died, though I never met him
>trump's first term
this was negligible in itself, but rooted itself within facets of us and global culture, and provided him and his team a playbook for what he would do in advance of his second term.
TL;DR it's about the bigger picture or unexpected consequences sometimes.

>>82082727
I appreciated our conversation tonight. I would be interested in being friends with you. I'm heading to sleep now and I doubt this thread will be up in the morning
It just seems like you get it. >>82080950 (OP)
You grew up too quickly in some ways. And in other ways you haven't really grown up at all since you were a teenager. It's a paradox but one I've experienced growing up

>>82082816
also forgive me if my point is a bit hard to grasp, but there's no particular order to these events by the way, including which ones I've been directly or indirectly affected by. I woke up early so my brain is finally starting to shit itself.

>>82080950 (OP)
My conservative mom is drinking raw milk nowadays and forces me to try it. I hate Fox News for turning Gen Xers into a conspiracy tards.

>>82082831
>I appreciated our conversation tonight. I would be interested in being friends with you.
same, I'm likely gonna be passing out asleep sometime soon and this thread will be long gone by time I'm awake, but I wish the best for you and everyone else in this thread either way the ball ends up rolling.

>>82082843
>My conservative mom is drinking raw milk nowadays and forces me to try it.
good lord that's rough. you should send her a video of the process pre-pasteurization or take her to a dairy farm. some really disgusting shit is in raw milk prior and learning about it kept me from drinking even pasteurized milk for a while.
>hate Fox News for turning Gen Xers into a conspiracy tards.
don't forget facebook and youtube's roles in it. my mom frequents both for her misinformation probably more often than I even use this site.

>>82082876
Yes, I too trust the science and read snopes every day