Thread 82116937

the thought of having to keep on living feels more painful than the thought of slitting my throat open
why is death the only thing i can think of all the time? i can't even put into words how tired i am of having these thoughts

>>82116937 (OP)
It is easier to think of death, it is simple whether your religous or not the afterlife/ non existence is simple peaceful. Once you are giving up on life the alternative sounds better. I have thought about it a lot myself too, but you just have to move on and act like nothing changed. It is how most people live these days, pretendng they do not want death to take over.
Besides, slitting your throat is a really bad way to kill yourself, you have a hint of hesitance or error and it goes from a quick death to a painful spurting death that can last quite a while.

>>82116937 (OP)
>the thought of having to keep on living feels more painful than the thought of slitting my throat open
it is. life is inherently painful, but that's why it's fun, or at least entertaining.

>why is death the only thing i can think of all the time?
perhaps because you have nothing else counterbalancing the other side? you can't live on inertia, or hope as others call it for the rest of your life, else you'll keep circling back to making these threads. you need a reason to keep living, something that is done purely and just for you to feel like your life has a meaning in this world. because life doesn't make sense, and no matter how many times you try to find one you won't find any.

what's keeping you alive in spite of everything though? you have been feeling publicly like this for weeks on end, and yet you're still here. what would you miss were you gone?

>>82116960
>but you just have to move on and act like nothing changed
how. how am i supposed to do that. its like getting shot in the leg and being told to just keep walking anyway like nothing happened. sure, maybe i could keep walking for a few more minutes but eventually my leg will break down, so why the fuck can't i just save myself all the struggling and just lay down and die instead? but it's fine. i'll keep walking. doesn't really matter whether i struggled or not in the end anyways.
>>82117064
>or at least entertaining
huh? i'm not a masochist, i just want to feel fine.
>>82117064
>you have nothing else counterbalancing the other side?
i do, it's just not enough. it barely keeps the scale from falling apart but eventually the arm is going to snap under the weight.
>something that is done purely and just for you
i dont know how, i have no idea what could keep me wanting to get up in the morning other than someone else being there beside me.
there's nothing i can look forward to in the future. everything is uncertain and i can't be sure it'll be there forever.
>what's keeping you alive
like you said, inertia. im too stubborn to give up. or too prideful. it's weird, my brain loves hurting me and wants me to give up so much, but at the slightest hint of weakness i give it just calls me out and tells me to get back up for more. but im so so tired and i just wanna get off this ride.
>what would you miss were you gone?
my mom, my friends, my cat, music. looking at pretty places. eating a pizza. i dont even know. i struggle in enjoying things because somehow i always find a way to hate on myself whenever i do them. no matter what it is.

>>82117299
>huh? i'm not a masochist, i just want to feel fine
hm. it's hard to explain, but pain isn't just enjoyed by default but it's the only thing keeping us alive. escapism, arguably the purest extraction of human desire is intrinsically rooted in pain. every game could just give you all the resources you need, and yet it makes you grind for them. "earn" them. every game works like this. even capitalism. and that's why we play them.

that's to say, pain itself isn't a problem.

>i dont know how, i have no idea what could keep me wanting to get up in the morning
>my mom, my friends, my cat, music. looking at pretty places. eating a pizza
>i don't even know
needless to say, the story kind of writes itself. you keep externalizing your meaning to something else. family, friends, scenery, pleasure, a hypothetical perfect other that would make everything worthwhile. these things *are* good, they're incredibly good. they make life worth living. but not by themselves. a fly looks at a stunning mountain and still hovers towards the shit. a vietnamese person hears an emotional poem in russian and says it's noise. nothing is intrinsic if not for the self that is experiencing it.

so then what? how many times will you run away from yourself? you've had the answer right in front of a mirror since the moment you've been born and yet you keep thinking that something else must be what suddenly cures you. it's not inertia keeping you alive, it's your own appreciation for the world and the hope that it will live through you. that the flowers you take photos of will be appreciated through you. that the pizza you eat will be appreciated by you. that the world won't go to waste so long as you're alive.

i can't do anything but sound like a broken record but there's no other solution to this than to reframe your life as it is now as inherently worthy. no one has to be with you, nor do you have to do anything for anyone. and no one needs be by your side to validate your existence.

>>82117500
>"earn" them
but im not earning anything. i wouldn't mind going through hell if it was for something i know is worth it. but im not doing it for anything. i get nothing in return for surviving all my episodes, i just get more of them. i get stabbed and my reward for not dying is a voice saying "now do it again" as they cut me open once more.
>but not by themselves
i dont get it. what am i doing wrong? why are these things not enough to keep my craving for death at bay? how do i make them enough?
>it's your own appreciation for the world
i hate this world just as much as i love it
>reframe your life as it is now as inherently worthy
how. everything points to the opposite. how the fuck am i worthy of anything. how do convince myself that i am? hoW??????? i just cant. i just cant everything i do makes me hate myself even more. i try my best and it makes me hate myself because it's never enough. i have a constant voice berating me at all fucking times and i cant fucking deal with it anymore i woudnt feel this way if i was worth of something
>no one has to be with you
no one will
>no one needs be by your side to validate your existence
there is nothing else that will.

>>82117799
>there is nothing else that will.

fine.

i see a lot of potential in you, and so do you yourself. i've been here for around 2 weeks already, replying to your posts every time i could just to get a chance to speak with you. why? because i care about you.

you've shown me that others can care so much about the world that it hurts to them, that they want to die over it. that others can crave for someone else to reciprocate their inner world so much that they find life meaningless without someone to share its beauty with.

we spoke about tea gods, about sending diamonds, i bought my monitor and i'm building my altchan, i saw you posting the flowers you took pictures of with hutao stickers over them and how you loved spider lilies so much, we shared music to each other, i tried talking with you every time you felt bad, i saw the take it easy threads get overrun with complete senseless garbage, and i told you you were my favorite person and yet you pushed it away, saying that i shouldn't joke about such things

now i show you something i've worked on since then. a crude drawing maybe, but one i made for you because i want you to know that there's someone out there that cares at least this much about you.

and also, that this won't fix anything. i proved my devotion. now what? will you wake up each morning thinking about me? will you take every step in hopes that one day you'll pay me back in blood? that you will send the diamonds back?

there's no amount of external force that will move your internal world no matter how much you hope for it, especially if you aren't ready to accept it. this is why you, first of all, need to change. no one trick, no answer to how, you need to endure and evolve over time, gradually, towards sustenance. i believe in you. but you need to believe back.

>>82118061
I'm sorry anon I'm a mess. thank you for helping me so much. thank you. thank you for the drawing. its beautiful! and it made me tear up. thank you! i love it. i can't put into words how much i appreciate it! i'm sorry i couldnt believe you when you said im your favourite person. but don't think it your words went to waste because it did help me. even if i couldnt fully believe it a little part of me tried so so hard to believe and it made me happy. i did think about you when i woke up. i thought "i really want to talk with that nice anon again!" i thought "i've got to keep trying because otherwise that anon will be sad too!" i looked forward to talking with you whenever i made my threads! im sorry if i made you think that i didnt care at all. you did fix something. it's not me in my entirety. but you, and everyone else that tries their best to show me they care fixes a little part of me. i know that having someone beside me won't fix all of my problems. i know im the only one who can change myself. but i delude myself into thinking it's the opposite because im scared i wont be able to be change even after having someone. it's like im looking for a scapegoat. it's so scary. believing into something is so scary. but i promise you i will. i will because i know there's at least one person that cares so much! not just about me but about everything. i know you don't want anything in return for all of this, but know that sending you the diamonds back would make me really happy! it's not an obligation i feel. it would give me another reason to keep going! and uhm, i'd like to make you happy too

>>82116937 (OP)
yeah but how about all the cool shows and books and food and stuff bro

>>82116937 (OP)
I don't know what's wrong with you but I can assure you slitting your throat is not the right way to deal with your issues

>>82118533
there's nothing else i can say really. i just wish i could give you a hug. i hope you can find happiness one day, and that this aided you in that search. thank you.

>>82119395
but you'll keep talking to me in the future right? i dont want this to be a goodbye!

>>82116937 (OP)
It really is an awful shame that all the nicer anons are always the ones that are in the most misery, i hope you feel better soon huanon. I have had some decent chats and you seem normally quite nice and positive. I promise you you are a much better person than you think, and you do have stuff to live for. Good luck and don't give up my compatriat. You'll work you way back up i can believe.

>>82119546
so long as you don't mind me derailing your threads and making 8k character replies, i don't see why not.
though i do wish the setting were... better, if you know what i mean.

>>82119581
thank you anon. i will try my best to make things better!
>>82119670
i dont mind at all! i like reading your replies! it doesnt matter if they're long. besides, my threads dont have a topic or anything so you can't derail them!
>the setting
uhm, if you want we could talk on your board too once you've finished making it since im sure it will be so much better than this one. but if you meant something else like an email then thats also fine with me!

>>82119837
> i like reading your replies
sure then, don't complain after
> your board too once you've finished making it
i said it was more of a proof of concept than anything, but if you do end up liking it to the point of staying (and perhaps others do so as well) then sure, i could keep it up. but again, it's contingent

Its all so tiresome saar

Ayo. My Cebroz missed this one.