Thread 82157183

so I've had various tests done and I've only been diagnosed with autism. I don't have any kind of developmental or intellectual delay, but I really feel like I do. The way I still feel like I'm 12 years old mentally isn't normal. My feelings are confusing. I don't fully understand my decisions. Relationships seem increasingly complex to me. I don't feel like a functional adult, but someday I would like to become a mother... but how could I take care of a child? That also scares me, not being able to do it. I wish there was a guide and everything was more straightforward. I don't understand things like the fascination with money. However, I love other adult things like alcohol. I like to get drunk because I stop thinking. I'm always thinking and reflecting on issues that don't seem to keep many people awake at night, and it makes me feel stupid. I think I'll end up in a mental hospital or living on the street, no joke. I'm 26.
Is all this because of autism? Does anyone else feel this way?

>>82157183 (OP)
Your parents also had no clue on how to raise you. These are all normal feelings. I sometimes wonder if we're not all children pretending to be adults, like some imposter syndrome. Try and do your best, it's all we can really do.

>>82157183 (OP)
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS MAKE LEMON PIE

i reckon that's (probably/mostly) just the autisms.

>I wish there was a guide and everything was more straightforward.
this guy wrote this as a Web 1.0 project in the 90s for that reason: 'people with Asperger's need a survival guide':
https://www-users.york.ac.uk/~ade1/survival/survival.pdf
British and 90s so doesn't universally apply, but as a cultural artefact you might find it interesting.
everything you've said is basically stuff i've heard from ASD folks before.

>>82157214
> sometimes wonder if we're not all children pretending to be adults, like some imposter syndrome
that's exactly my thoughts. When I meet someone new, or see people from afar, I tend to imagine what they were like as children. I wonder if they have changed enough that their childhood selves would not recognize them. I wonder if they regret not pursuing a dream. That makes me kinder to them, because I think that in the end, none of us knows how to behave on earth. No one asked to come here.

>>82157217
what does that mean?

>>82157223
Thank you SO much!!!!!! I feel like shit everytime i'm at work because I just don't fit at all. I forget to say hello and look them in the face, I forget to interact with them, and that has given me a reputation as an awkward person. It breaks my heart. I want them to know that I don't dislike them.

>>82157183 (OP)
you know for like two seconds when reading this even though we never met i fantazised about falling in love with you op, just out of nowhere, and then reality hit, ill never fall in love with anyone. :( . I dont kow why im telling you this

>>82157322
Moids are so fucking pathetic.

>>82157322
Love is another thing I can't understand.
I'm a deeply romantic person. I love romcoms. However, when something similar happens to me in real life, I don't know how to react. I usually run away.
Movies and TV shows were a great help to me. I learned a lot from them about how to go as unnoticed as possible, but it turns out that fiction is just that: fiction. Not everything can be used in real life.
I've had very strong feelings for people. However, I think a lot about the word love. I know it's wrong, but for me, love should be something that lasts a lifetime. And you should know the specific reasons why you fell in love with that person.
I live in my fantasies, never in the real world

>>82157214
>top left
probably a maple (Acer)? But it could be a sycamore (platanus).
>top center
could be a lot of things. ashes (Sorbus or Fraxinus, Zanthoxylum), elder (Sambucus), sumacs (Anarcadiaceae), walnut family (Juglanaceae). Lots of things have that pinnately compound shape.
>top right
Pinaceae, could be a spruce with upright female cones like Picea glauca or, less likely, a true fir, but the scales aren't super flush like in most Abies.
>bottom left
an oak (Quercus). Most likely a white oak, as red oaks can be lobed like that but usually have spiny apices.
>bottom center
the venation on this one is illustrated poorly, and it could be a lot of things as well. I'm going to lean towards it being an aspen or poplar (Populus) like A. grandidentata
>bottom right
hard to make any conclusions either given how generic the venation and leaf shape is, but the entire margins eliminate some possibilities. The common pear (Pyrus communis) or a dogwood (Cornus) could fit, but so can the young leaves of some elder species (Acer).

>>82157183 (OP)
Who knows if it's autism or something else? A lot of those labels are only marginally useful because they get applied to a very broad group of people with a lot of differences.

You should probably avoid alcoholism though, whatever else you do

>>82157183 (OP)
being an autistic woman is a curse

>>82158201
I'm so hard for you.

>>82158412
that's kind of gay, anon...

>>82158222
Lately I have noticed that I drink more than usual. I guess you are right and I should be concerned.

>>82158225
Kinda yeah.
Ill never get married but hope I can live by my own.
I have this dream of wanting to travel although it is scary as I have never done it. I would like to have a casual job that gives me enough to live on in every city I go to...

are you having any representation fantasies?

>>82157183 (OP)
>Does anyone else feel this way?
You seem to be the female equivalent of myself. This is the more rare type of high functioning autism that isn't at all like assburgers but soemthing else entirely. To me it feels like having the spirit of a prehistoric caveman, when I see women outside that make me feel aroused I think why can;t I just breed with them right there and them, talking to people and making plans and arranging things doens;t feel natural to me, very complex and convoluted. This is also why I don't maintian friendships throughout life despite being able to befriend people within contexts like past classes and jobs I had, once we no longer share a common environment it feels like there is nothing to say and nothing to do, because I don't have any social hobbies, I don't watch or play sports, don't even care about video games, just like to spend hours alone outside every day, and often just as much online at home, that's how I spend my days as a NEET. Another thing is that when I smell a strong scent of another straight man outside, I experience simultaneous feelings of disgust and aggression, like I don't like walking next to them cause I don't want to have to smell their musk up close and talking towards another man head on even on a sidewalk feels like primal danger like I'm about to get into a fight. I rarely talk about this with anyone, but other autistics on 4chan have said similarly, this type of autism is like caveman mode hyperheterosexual androphobic antisocial. What I've noticed over time is that I feel relaxed around gay men, not attracted but comfortable, almost as if straight men have scent/musk/pheromones that are supposed to repel each other while gay men don't.

>>82157183 (OP)
What are the kind of things you think and reflect about? And also, do you end up making lists, schedules and maps of things, either physically on just in your head, that are completely pointless but for some reason you repeatedly daydream about.

>>82157183 (OP)
>Autism
>Late bloomer guy
no worries here
>I would like to become a mother
it's over, suicide preferable

>>82158755
What do you mean?
>>82158781
I have always thought that life would be simpler if we had the same mating rites as other animals, such as birds. Id like to flutter my colorful wings and thats it, although thats done by the male, but you know what I mean. I think about that a lot. For me, watching others talk is like watching Animal Planet. I dont say that with any intention to offend, actually I know I would be the specimen in any case. I also used the metaphor of an ant farm; all ants have a function, even if the function is to fail. I dont even get there. I am an outside observer. I am not an ant.

>>82158788
When I was a child I almost kill myself when I learn that there was people dying at wars.
I also spent a whole season creating campaigns for the environment. All my teenage years were about that instead of dating or whatever. Everything affects me deeply, I dont seem to have the defense mechanism to go on with my life like everyone else. Once I was crying when I took money out of the ATM because I thought about how many people kill or die for money. I came home with swollen eyes and hid the money.
I constantly think about my own existence as well, especially death, it is my favorite topic.

>>82158801
Id kill myself but not soon. Thats how I wanna die.

>>82157183 (OP)
i think u might be depressed desu

>>82158934
Holy shit you're one of those indigo children, such overwhelming empathy is a great spiritual gift. You are here to participate in the great awakening, shifting humanity as a collective into a higher vibration of consciousness often referred to as the new Earth or Fifth Density. You have always known this on some level, and now you will remember more, we will all remember and awaken, it is already happening. TEars flow form my eyes, this is why I still frequent 4chan after all these years. Godspeed starseed.

>>82158970
Im 26 and I think its all about me having autism. I dont enjoy having this mind . . . I mean I kinda do, I do art so its a good thing for an artist but its still awful

>>82159135
Artism

>>82157183 (OP)
>im mentally 12
hot

i kinda got the feeling i know you