Thread 82221651

Going to the doctor today will be the first time I've been touched in months. I hate having bloodwork and physicals because I'm a fat sack of shit, but I'm honestly excited to have any contact with a human at all. At this point I feel even my online friends are getting sick of me and constantly wanting distance rather than playing games or watching movies, they seem much more interested in anything they can do without me, including playing games when I'm not there.

I never really had close friends as a child except one who ended up being a drug addicted convict I'm no longer in contact with, even the pedophile who was grooming me gave up when I aged away from that sweet spot. Even my cat only makes physical contact with me when he wants something, bites and scratches if I pet him too much or hold him too long.

A friend (online) I was in love with for 5 years recently cut me off after an argument and damaged my other friendships in the process, but I know I was never loved in return and probably wasn't even important in the first place.

If I had known what hell of loneliness awaited me when I was a suicidal teenager I would have necked myself more than a decade ago. I'm 30 years old now with nothing to show for it but my savings and a decent BJD I bought with that, these are the only things I can feel proud of. I constantly dream of the kind of relationship where we tell each other goodnight and goodmorning every day and ask if we got home safe just because we care.

My entire life from birth has been one big joke and I honestly have no reason not to go play chicken with train tracks aside from being too scared to go through with it.

I'm sorry for all this robros but I have literally no one else who cares to listen anymore.

If you just scrolled past this I get it because I would too, but if you bothered to stop and read it thank you. I do sincerely appreciate that someone in this world knows/cares that I'm alive tonight.

Pic unrelated just one I had in my phone

I'm in a similar boat. I go get cheap massages at asian places just to feel the pressure of hands.

I'm 31. I didn't expect to live this long. I was planning on enjoying a few years of my 20s, but I didn't, then to kill myself, but I didn't. Now what?

I've been a caretaker to my parents for years. Dad's been dead, just had an argument with my slob of a mum. I am sick of the smell of excrement.

The TMS treatment I got didn't do much after the initial excitement for a new me.

People throw me out the second I can't keep up, or if they're family they treat me like a roomba that needs kicks to work.

You're alive.
Kinda glad I spotted this thread. I'm alive as well, even if it's not good anywhere right now. And I just sort of wanted to whine.

Are you a big cat person? That pic is cute.

>>82221730
You're alive too fren, and I'm glad you are. Sometimes its just nice to find someone in a similar place. Do massages help at all? I'm embarrassed to try.

I love cats, also. I had a dog previously but I'm currently in a place where I worry I couldn't be active enough for a dog and that isn't fair to them, so I love cats for being a bit more independent.

>>82221776

I just go to a place that's in a basement business suite. The asian places prefer cash, and bring something for the tip. My back gets very sweaty easily so I bring a big tip to make it up to them. Just say 'Hi, I'd like to do [x] minutes' and I generally get a nod and led to a table.

I have a cat. She's the only thing that kept me alive at some points during my worst.
My mom's a hoarder and we had dogs, plural, when I was a kid so I can't handle dogs at this point. I miss getting happy seeing a scruffy dog.

>>82221651 (OP)
Thank you for the cat picture, Anon. Good luck and have fun with your physical, and don't worry; it's only over when you give up :)