>>82235253 (OP)
I was deathly afraid of women until 20, and even now in my 30s I'm still uncomfortable around them.
I remember one of my sister's friends, one that was clearly molested, wanted me when she was 12 and I was 14, she wanted me in a way that I only ever experienced twice more after her, I think about her a lot, how we could have grown together, how I could have fixed her, how I missed out on youthful love.
I made the same mistake at 16 with another 16 year old, we were both in the mental hospital, she clearly wanted me, she even whispered into my ear once that she was horny but I was consumed by fear and went to the boy's floor of the hospital.
I've only ever been with 1 woman, she was 26 and I was 20 at the time, it's the third one who gave me the signals that none else have, it's sad that she was severely mentally ill, it seems only the damaged seek me out, maybe they see kinship in my existence.
Basically, OP, we really could have had it all if we locked in earlier, you're so right.