Thread 82267093

what's on your mind anon? are you worried? are you happy? does everything feel like nothing?

>>82267093 (OP)
I really want to kill myself Im so sick of living this stagnant life

>>82267100
you and me both anon. how do you plan to do it?

>what's on your mind anon?
Just turned 39 and still incel. Also a bald manlet autist NEET. Zero hope.
Matched with another foid in her fifties. The foid, for once, messages first.
Yet I am waiting over ten hours for a reply.
>are you worried?
Always.
>are you happy?
Never.
>does everything feel like nothing?
Constantly.

>>82267380
good luck with the foid, anon. hopefully it goes well.
>Yet I am waiting over ten hours for a reply
i am way too familiar with that aswell sadly. also, apologies for the somewhat macabre question i'm going to ask but, how haven't you killed yourself already?

>>82267093 (OP)
Just endless nightmares. I beyond unhappy, I am constantly worried, and I feel everything or nothing depending on the amount of disassociation.

>>82267093 (OP)
life only starts when you realize life has no rules to play by

>>82267523
>good luck with the foid, anon. hopefully it goes well.
Thanks anon, but we all know it won't go any further. It never does.
Though this year I finally had several, mostly older, foids claim to be DTF, before ghosting anyway. My 'tism and incel insecurity is too strong.
>i am way too familiar with that aswell sadly.
Yeah, it fucking sucks. She messaged last night, after I went to bed. I messaged the next morning and still nothing yet.
>how haven't you killed yourself already?
No access to guns, and too pussy. Though I welcome death when it comes.

>>82267590
sorry to hear that anon. i understand if you don't feel like talking about them, but what kind of nightmares are they? what happens in them?
>the amount of disassociation
same. it's like there's only 2 extremes and nothing in-between. do you have mood swings too?
>>82267679
it does though. there's rules set up by society that force us to behave in certain ways, do certain things, live in certain places. no one is truly free. unless "realizing life has no rules" means killing yourself in which case i agree that would make one free.
>>82267753
>but we all know it won't go any further
we don't, we can only expect things to go a certain way in order to be more prepared for the outcome
>My 'tism and incel insecurity is too strong.
yknow, it could always be that it's their insecurities and mental issues too
>still nothing yet
i really don't understand why people do that, does it really take so much effort to answer to a text? jeez. sure maybe they're busy but there's no way you dont have 10 seconds free in 10 hours or so
>I welcome death when it comes
it cannot come soon enough.

>>82267093 (OP)
Im just bored, I wake up and theres nohing to do except play video games. I wish I had a cute asian gf. If I cant have a cute asian gf then can I at least have some weed to numb the pain?

>>82267814
no. whichever point of authority you want to claim as binding is just a product of yourself not recognizing its own limits.

say, you have to work a job to stay alive, to buy food, and to be respected. and yet you can still not do it. you can leech, you can starve to death ,you can go live away in the cabins, and the act of following these "rules" isn't any different from not following them. you're not bound by anything than your own rationality, and if you recognize all steps as equal fields in an endless chessboard then suddenly rules vanish. no one dictates to follow a path, or to follow another, but you do. you follow the path you wanted to choose because you decided so. you could eat a nightshade or a strawberry, you eat the strawberry. does nature force you to eat strawberries only? no, you decide so because nightshades would kill you.

but you can die, can't you? why won't you die then?

does fear bind you? regret perhaps? insecurity? aren't all of those made by you? and if so, if you're rulemaker, aren't there no rules?

>>82267841
same anon, i wish i had something better to do, or rather i wish i had someone to do things for.
>weed
have you ever tried it in the past? does it actually help with anything or is alcohol better?
>>82267916
>and yet you can still not do it
wouldn't that be the equivalent of killing yourself, but simply in a slower way? rules exist to force people to stay alive. like many other things they're a social construct, but they're there, they're instilled within your brain from a young age. "dying is bad, therefore you must do everything we want you to do to stay alive" and even if we didn't live in a working society, if we were mere animals we'd still have natural instincts, which are rules, imposed by our own brain to keep us alive. a normal animal or person cannot overwrite those no matter what. a sane person will never be able to choke themselves to death without help or tools no matter how hard they try. rules will always force you to stop right before you die.
>no one dictates to follow a path
yet, in the world we live right now one's path has already been chosen on birth, and can rarely stray to a different one if there's not enough favourable conditions. no one has the same exact opportunities that another has.
>aren't all of those made by you?
in my eyes, my own self differs from my own brain and which are the origin of emotions and "human" things. im nothing but a soul trapped within a body forced to keep on existing. i don't make the rules. our brains do. we can do nothing but follow them, considering we're stuck in this corporeal form, until we either die of old age or something in our souls breaks, letting us free ourselves from them.

>>82267814
I don't have mood swings, it's only just sadness or not being.

>>82267093 (OP)

I no power to influence society, let alone my own life. Freedom is the ability to choose, not the ability to have more options.

If you are presented with 2 horrible options, your freedom does not grand you the right to be offered another option, it is simply to choose.

Greed kills and poisons humanity.

I am disgusted with the fact I have considered lying to or scamming other human beings on numerous occasions. I knew damn well that it would do nothing except continue the cycle. I am well aware that one would rather rob his fellow human than the storm the dragons castle alone. I am disgusted with the way society is. Not right wing, not left wing. Greed. Simple, obvious evil. Everywhere you look I see it.

Humans have been brainwashed into having "rights" beyond what they are naturally entitled to.

Most of the problems in your life are due to the greed of another human(s)

I hate my disgusting race so much. I hate being related to these people who I would kill without hesitation if I wers given the chance. I wanna KMS just so I can transcend my physical body.

Greed at the top is pure evil
Greed at the bottom is a survival mechanism activated by a rapid enshittification of life.

The fact that people have to do mental gymnastics to justify this shit, proves my point further. And it's always been this way. Pray for a quick death. The future will be horrendous

I have not KMS yet because so far I have a shot at feeling happy with things. My ignoring the fire that burns around me, I can be calm for a little while at least.

>>82268224
ah okay. i do get mood swings often
>>82268479
i do feel very similarly to you anon, a lot of the things you've shared are also my own thoughts and worries. i despise this world we live in, but we gotta do what we can do ignore the bad and focus on the few goods. there's nothing else to do anyway. i hope the best for you anon, and, if you can, try to change this hate you feel towards everyone and everything into indifference. it's easier to handle.

>>82268151
everyone is killing themselves at varying speeds. "rules" don't want you alive, they want everything they can take for you, it just so happens that the last thing they can take is your life. "dying is bad, therefore you must do everything we want you to do to stay alive" is a survival instinct. it's not a rule, it's not a commandment, and it's not an axiom. the one thing that defines the human species is its capability to commit suicide, ie, to always choose for themselves. normalcy exists under the axiom that you do not want to die. if you want to die, you're not normal. it's not a proof, just a state machine.

besides, your entire demeanor is living proof of my statement. you believe there are rules to play by. that there's a right and a wrong thing to do, that justice is real.

your path has already been chosen at birth? what path? should you have taken another path? what is a path? what does that path entail? is it meaningful?

whether you were born starving or born filthy rich, you will live the same. under the same nothingness, under the same firmament. when your body turns to ash, the amount of times you followed your self made rules, the amount of times you had food on your plate or didn't, the amount of times you bent yourself over doing something that wasn't worthy of you will still be 0. no one will erase your progress because no one kept track of it. there's no judge, and if one wants to escape jail, one must first realize his sentence was written in sand.

>>82267093 (OP)
>whats on your mind anon?
thinking about the fact im so retarded im trying to drown myself in the fact im alright but in trully not all i do is wake up work come home and play battlefield 1 jerk off or lurk on 4chan im ugly and Fat? more so skinny fat im a engineer so i got that going for me but the recemt relationship drama i had with my ex and shit destroyed me was cheated on lied and manipuated and lost my 4 year long relationship a lot of fine detials are fucking me over as well like the fact i cant force myself to do shit like i could before ect brush my teeth
>are you worried?
i gave up on thinking my future is good but my mental is fucked i dont care if i die alone get hit by a car or something i stopped chasing cheap dopamine and happiness i wish to say i do something edgy and depressive like walk at night alone which i dont do as much as i want to
>are you happy
im not happy but most of the time im not sad i get breakdowns every so often and they fuck me up a bit
>does everything feel like nothing?
everything feels heavy more so then like nothing

>mfw
im venting on /r9k/

>>82267093 (OP)
>what's on your mind anon?
The digital ID stuff and the thought that we might be living in the last few days of a free and open internet
>are you worried?
Yes
>are you happy?
No
>does everything feel like nothing?
Everything feels like shit i hate this world like words can't express

>>82267093 (OP)
cutting. not worried. happy. feel intense

I keep trying to hype myself to throw myself off a tall car park near by; I finally traced all this shit that happened and concluded that my parents practically induced avoidant personality disorder, and it's likely the main cause of my complete lack of self advocacy, self agency and emergent thoughts. It's why I don't pursue anything and I'm a 32 yo khhv, don' travel, dont do shit except for rot. Also a variety of other factors led me to be practically retarded, like a poor vocabulary due to a split in my primary language and complete lack of focus. All this time I was convinced I had a good thing going but really I was just sedated, muted and inhibited. I wasted away and my shit fucking family just did the "prod with a stick - do something" meme; I stare at people weird, people tolerate me at best, I probably had a whole bunch of shadow HR meetings behind my back at work, and whilst everybody is living their lives, marrying and doing shit I am surrounded by beer bottles and generally lead a miserable existence.

i dont know anon there's too many things in my head

sorry for the late replies anons. had some issues up there.

>>82269095
>to always choose for themselves
i guess you have a point there. i dunno though, people like us that want to die are the exception to the rule. i don't think it's right to base things off exceptions
>your entire demeanor is living proof of my statement
how though? i dont believe justice is real also.
>what does that path entail?
the result of your life, the experiences you go through, everything. it must mean something
>you will live the same
not true. it changes greatly. the conditions in which you'll live are different, the only thing that doesn't change whether youre poor or not is that you're going to die all the same. you could argue that nothing matters in the end and i'd agree, but this isn't true for everyone else.
>>82269359
sorry to hear about your relationship anon, also, life being monotonous and boring is just something everyone needs to come to terms with eventually. we can just keep distracting ourselves while waiting for death to come
>walk at night
thats always nice, i like doing it too
>i get breakdowns
i do too, we just gotta get through em anone.
>im venting on /r9k/
could be worse! i think
>>82269956
>we might be living in the last few days of a free and open internet
better try and enjoy it then anon. honestly i don't mind as much, my objective is to stop using the internet entirely eventually.
>Everything feels like shit i hate this world like words can't express
same.
>>82270002
don't hurt yourself too much anon, alright?
>>82270032
sorry you've got handed such a bad hand anon, it really does seem awful. it's hard to find motivation to do anything, though try and focus on what makes you at least somewhat happy. if you have it.
>>82270992
same here...