Thread 82291070

All these normies talking about relationships on /r9k. meanwhile i havn't left my room in 3 years. are we even trying to be incels?

>>82291070 (OP)
I've been hikki for almost 20 years now

>>82291070 (OP)
>are we even trying to be incels?
no im trying to escape
by getting healtheir, losing weight, taking care of my appearance
also learning about philosophy and trying to position myself so if theres a afterlife judgement or karma system id be better off because of actions done in this life, like veganism, or trying my absolute hardest to not tell people to kill themselves or laugh at them when they get cancer or whatever

im not proud or happy about being a wizard incel and i think its a miserable state of existence. im just stuck here so you might as well min-max your behavior to any outs that are possible, regardless of how unlikely or schizophrenic tier they are

im aware normies get laid by breathing, and im aware tons of "incels" just magically one day get a hot 18 year old gf, but im not such a case so i live in the trenches

>>82291070 (OP)
How do you eat drink/use the toilet/clean yourself?

>>82291114
The worst part? I used to be decently popular in school. People dragged me around, socialized me into situations, basically handed me opportunities on a silver platter. And what did I do? I fumbled every single one.

>>82291105
bruh your parent didnt just kick you out? how?

>>82291191
I do believe they felt some guilt for abusing me into the state that I'm in and they're not hurting for money either.

>>82291206
sorry if i ask but what they did to you?

>>82291217
Neglect from one and mostly verbal abuse from another. I was suicidal at a very young age and it just turned into a joke like yeah go ahead that won't work. Well of course not, I wasn't even a teenager at the time I'm surprised I even had the concept of self termination.

>>82291252
neglect from your mother?
where would you put your parents on this parenting style chart?

>>82291070 (OP)
Where do you shit?

>>82291263
Bottom left for mother, but she was completely malignant in a passive way trying to engineer situations where people would be harmed. Father was, I don't even know. Bottom right to top right, completely at random. I can't even understand it at this point because he's nothing like that now it's really like he just died and got replaced. I still have this PTSD type reaction from the car pulling in or the key in the lock and it's been years and years since anything bad has even happened.

>>82291252
That's awful... no kid should go through that. Therapy might've made a difference or could still help, i think.

>>82291282
in the sink

>>82291296
A lot of suffering in the world, mine isn't even that bad I just broke in a weird way.
Mother was against therapy so I never got it as a kid. I did later as an adult but it didn't help much. Some just told me they couldn't do anything and referred me off to experts that were too far away for me to go to; the rest just focused on the depression which was kind of pointless to me. I'm not depressed anymore for the most part but the schizoid features seem permanent.

>>82291289
yeah me too exactly like that haha
growing up my dad was very bottom right, but over time, especially as he lost more and more power over me, he became more in the top right, but still emotionally distant. just less power he had

my mother never cared at all

>>82291289
If this isn't just a story online... damn. Mom being manipulative behind the scenes and dad being authoritarian? That's a recipe for trauma. Totally understandable that honestly i dont have context for the car or key stuff .

>>82291070 (OP)
Post pic

Of your orginal room

>>82291359
honestly speaking i dont have a shitty room i kind of keep it clean

>>82291347
He's actually involved now and a good father which is what makes it so difficult for me. When I was a child I would wish that he would die or my mother would divorce him. Now I prefer him to her by a lot. I think he always tried at least and just always came up short. My mother never tried at all.
>>82291355
No it's real. Her manipulations were more like putting people into situations where they would get hurt. She wanted her children to die so should sob about it to her friends. The car and key stuff is just because I associate the noise with my father coming home and as a child that meant being punished for whatever I did while he was at work. I acted out a lot for attention and my mother would just let it snowball until it was bad enough to tell my father.

>>82291395
i've even heard similar stories before (weirdly enough from Asmongold of all people) about some mothers wanting the attention of having a sick or suffering child.

It doesn't make it any less real but is an actual mental illness.

I can't really know what it was like growing up with him, but if your dad is genuinely trying now. I think it's worth giving him a chance.

Even if I don't fully get how it felt for you, sometimes people really do change, but some don't.

>>82291502
She has NPD which explains her actions completely.
Yeah I agree, people can change. I am doing my best to let him in but it's very difficult to let anyone in. I can't even make friends because of how closed off I am, not to mention the social anhedonia. At best I can be comfortable with a person, but I don't think I can ever enjoy a person's presence. You're not wrong though anon, I appreciate what you're saying.

i literally never go outside unless its an appointment or grocery shopping
might get groceries delivered soon due to getting back pain carrying that shit in the house

>>82291531
Being closed off isn't a flaw, it's how you learned to survive. Even if enjoying someone's presence feels out of reach right now, just being comfortable around someone is already huge progress. I respect that you're still trying with your dad despite how hard it is that takes a lot of strength.

Maybe you could also try hobbies that don't need much interaction at first, and then slowly ease into connecting with others through them. For example, I started drawing alone, and eventually by joining some online drawing spaces I ended up making a few friends without really forcing it.

>>82291550
onestly if you can getting grocery directly home is realy good

>>82291577
Oh, I mean, it's really a lot deeper than that. I've tried making friends throughout the years and even really low impact stuff is out of my reach. I'm just completely unable to connect to people. I've had friends that I played video games with or who were just infrequent penpals, I've even had internet FWB type things, but it all ends up feeling like shackles in the end. I think my brain actually developed wrong as a result of not being held enough as a baby and my social centers are just defective.

>>82291644
I get you I don't know how someone can retrain themselves to connect either, or if that's even something you want. And yeah, I understand it's probably strange to be talking about this with some random anon. Honestly, I never went through anything close to what you did. My dad was mostly just absent, always away for work when I was a kid, but not really malicious. It's not the same, but I can at least try to listen.

>>82291730
I don't know if I want it. Sometimes I think I might want a relationship. Nothing too traditional, but a gf that gets and accepts me. Most of the time I think I don't want anything like that at all though. I enjoy being alone and I don't think I ever get lonely. I think I enjoy fantasizing about a relationship more than I could ever enjoy the actual thing. I've never fantasized about having friends though so I think I must want that even less. My ideal life is probably just living alone somewhere and getting everything I need delivered so I can ignore the world and focus on my own things.
An absent parent is still absent and it still must have hurt.

>>82291786
Wanting a relationship in theory but not in practice is totally valid, especially if being alone feels safe and comfortable. After all that is why vtubers and ai gf are so popular

>>82291070 (OP)
>we even trying to be incels?
no.
when was the point to revel in inceldom and wear it as some badge? everyone wants to escape whether they accept it or not

>>82291955
so true so chaddmaxxing(go back to the mines)

>>82291070 (OP)
>are we even trying to be incels?
No. You don't try to be an incel. It just is.

>>82292035
yes but peaple here don't hate woman enouge

>>82292035
Every time I see this photo I completely deflate.
Being subjected to constant psychological torture in high school, watching hundreds of happy couples kiss and grope each other every day, has probably done more damage to my brain than huffing a thousand cans of deodorant could. Watching people experience what I never could and then RUIN it by doing something stupid like cheating or forgetting her birthday was excruciating. It's like being a starving Gazan knowing that just out of reach they are eating Hummus and Jewish Hamburgers just miles away in Israel ONLY WORSE because unlike a starving Palestinian child I will DECADES suffering from loneliness rather than a couple weeks suffering from hunger.
I deserved teen love.
I wouldn't have SQUANDERED it like all of those foolish boys and girls who treated a precious thing with such disregard. Now even love in college seems out of reach. I don't know anyone who has gone three years in university without a relationship only to stumble upon one on their way out.
Because I was anathematized with affection, I will never experience true love. All that lies in store for me, IF I receive any love at all is shallow, materialistic tolerance because I'm inoffensive and capable of providing.
NOT FAIR
>NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
I would do ANYTHING to have it. I would perform dark magicks. I would sever my own limbs. I would sacrifice my humanity.
My time is quickly running out. Even if I were to somehow find a girl who is young and full of live and still capable of loving me for who I am and not what I can provide, I wouldn't dare curse such a precious creature to a life with a decrepit, withering old man.
I am despondent. There is no reason for me to work or study but I do anyway. I continue onwards like a machine anyways with no motivation or understanding as to why. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
All I want is what is rightfully mine. It's an INCREDIBLY reasonable request.

>>82292009
>drivel
ok schizo.