Dealing with bitterness and resentment
By all accounts my life is pretty good right now. I have a fiance who loves me, a couple of good friends, a decent job that while a little boring pays pretty darn good yet I still can't shake the bitterness and resentfulness that has always been in me.
I have comparatively mild forms of Tourette's, ADHD, and OCD so I was a shy kid. That wasn't enough though, I also developed an incredibly rare condition as a child that caused several pretty large spots of scar tissue to form. That too was comparatively mild, I could have had the version that would kill me or disable me. My version is just unsightly. In total maybe 1 square foot of my body is covered in scar tissue. My only saving grace is that it's on my thigh and stomach, both of which are covered by clothes. I probably would have killed myself had it been on my face which is very possible.
I had friends growing up and frankly I've always had friends. Adults always took a liking to me as well, perhaps they felt bad.
My problem was girls and confidence. I hated the look of me so I always figured no woman could bare the sight of me either. The first time a woman kissed me was when I was 18 and she was fucking wasted. Nothing happened again until 22 when I had a one night stand with a fat chick. Again nothing happened until 26 when my now fiance made the first move.
I'm 32 now and while she is great, not perfect by any means but she hasn't left me which means an awful lot, and I can't shake the bitterness I feel. I can't go back and have a normal childhood and that makes me so fucking angry. No matter how much sex I have now I feel like it will never make up for missing those formative experiences. She obviously had people before me, she is normal, but I never did. She's my first for nearly everything and I'm her first for almost nothing. That in and of itself doesn't bother me, I just wish I had prior experiences of my own.
Is there any hope for me or is the hole from my early 20s destined to be forever empty?
I have comparatively mild forms of Tourette's, ADHD, and OCD so I was a shy kid. That wasn't enough though, I also developed an incredibly rare condition as a child that caused several pretty large spots of scar tissue to form. That too was comparatively mild, I could have had the version that would kill me or disable me. My version is just unsightly. In total maybe 1 square foot of my body is covered in scar tissue. My only saving grace is that it's on my thigh and stomach, both of which are covered by clothes. I probably would have killed myself had it been on my face which is very possible.
I had friends growing up and frankly I've always had friends. Adults always took a liking to me as well, perhaps they felt bad.
My problem was girls and confidence. I hated the look of me so I always figured no woman could bare the sight of me either. The first time a woman kissed me was when I was 18 and she was fucking wasted. Nothing happened again until 22 when I had a one night stand with a fat chick. Again nothing happened until 26 when my now fiance made the first move.
I'm 32 now and while she is great, not perfect by any means but she hasn't left me which means an awful lot, and I can't shake the bitterness I feel. I can't go back and have a normal childhood and that makes me so fucking angry. No matter how much sex I have now I feel like it will never make up for missing those formative experiences. She obviously had people before me, she is normal, but I never did. She's my first for nearly everything and I'm her first for almost nothing. That in and of itself doesn't bother me, I just wish I had prior experiences of my own.
Is there any hope for me or is the hole from my early 20s destined to be forever empty?