Thread 82448153

hello anon. how are things? hopelessness is a transient feeling, right? right. what's something you're scared of?

>>82448153 (OP)
Nothing, not anymore
I have transcended beyond the beyond, I have seen through the veils and the webs all, I fear no man nor no thing
I have conquered the self, which therein lies my greatest enemy

What about you though? I bet you're scared of spiders or some shit

>>82448153 (OP)
>what's something you're scared of?
Dying without ever having done something good. Hurting the people I care about. Being told "I never knew you" when I die.

Anyway HuTao anon, how's it shaking? You keeping the existential dread at bay or are you feeling it?

>>82448153 (OP)
Will having rough sex help with your hopelessness

>>82448195
>I have conquered the self, which therein lies my greatest enemy
uh huh, and how did you manage that?
>I bet you're scared of spiders
not scared, but really disgusted. anything with more than 4 legs grosses me out immensely.
>>82448234
>done something good
what would you define as something good?
>Hurting the people I care about.
that's one of my fears aswell. i'm kinda scared of myself when i get really bad episodes. rationality goes completely out of the window sometimes and i need to shut everything off because im scared ill hurt others and myself.
>You keeping the existential dread at bay or are you feeling it?
i am feeling every single second of it anon. i think i really do need help. or i'll end up carving my eyes out one of these days.

>>82448153 (OP)
I'm coping in an unhealthy way by what I call "Jeetpoosting"
>Enter thread
>Shit it up by pretending to be Indian and commenting stupid anti white shit when it is noon or afternoon in India
I work third so this actually fits in with my lunch breaks. On /pol/ it's harder because of flags and I don't pay for VPNs. Still, it works fantastically for derailing threads because of all the India hate now. Much better than racebait and BBC spamming

>>82448330
My anti jeet folder has like 200 images(I'm not obsessed)

>>82448339
Raj lives rent free in your head, Timmy

>>82448373
Im not White I'm from PR

>>82448317
>what would you define as something good?
Well being the creature that I am, I want to kill bad people. Exploitative politicians and CEOs, rapists, pedos, murderers, etc... Hence the whole military and law enforcement thing that I refuse to let go of.

>sometimes and i need to shut everything off because im scared ill hurt others and myself.
That's fair, but I'd also try to find some people you can be around when you're at your lowest. I've got a couple of buddies I've kept from suicide because I was willing to be around them during some really ugly fuckin times, and they were willing to do the same in turn.

>>82448317
>uh huh, and how did you manage that?
A few mental breaks here and there, psychosis a few times a year for the past 10 years

It's okay, nothing special tbf

>>82448330
that's uh, an unique way to cope i guess. at least it's funny. careful or you might start acting that way irl too if you do it too much though.
>>82448389
>I want to kill bad people
i can't say i wish you success but im not exactly against it either. just try not to get arrested too soon
>some people you can be around when you're at your lowest
i did, and they left me. i don't want to experience that again. i feel like i can't trust anyone anymore. i really wish i could but im just so tired of getting hurt. so i'd rather just stab myself and save my time.
>>82448399
>A few mental breaks here and there, psychosis a few times a year for the past 10 years
ah, that must've been awful. how did you deal with your psychosis? what would you do whilst having one?

>>82448442
One time, I put Tokyo Drift on and I crashed my car
That was "fun"

>>82448442
>try not to get arrested too soon
Part of the reason I want to get into law enforcement is so that I can learn how criminals are caught, as well as pursuit procedures. Figure it won't save me from getting caught, but it'll buy me enough time to take a few more bastards with me.

>did, and they left me.
That fucking blows, and I'm sorry. I've had that happen before. Wild enough, I actually reconnected with an old buddy of mine recently after he apologized for leaving.

You have anyone you talk to that can help you out? I know the abandonment hurts but being alone will gnaw you from the inside.

>>82448448
lole type 3 fun enjoyer i see. sometimes i've always wanted to do something similar to that but the intent was to crash and die too
>>82448469
>buy me enough time to take a few more bastards with me
why do you want to be a vigilante so much? i get wanting to clean the world from filth, but it's not like you killing a bunch of bad people will change anything anyways.
>reconnected with an old buddy of mine recently after he apologized for leaving
honestly i don't think i'd ever be able to trust again a person that hurt me that much.
>You have anyone you talk to that can help you out?
yes, but just talking about it with someone doesn't really do anything. just makes me feel more pathetic really.

>>82448581
>why do you want to be a vigilante so much?
Well the system has failed because the system is controlled by these bastards, so I can't go through the system to get rid of them.

>not like you killing a bunch of bad people will change anything anyways.
Why save a life? It's not like saving one person will change anything any ways.

But aside from being a smartass, violence does indeed affect change. And if people see me do it, they might be willing to do it themselves. Get enough people on board, we skin all the pedophiles in office to death, and life gets better for a bit. Sure, that's a lot of maybes and shit will get bad again sooner or later, but we all should strive to do our part.

>don't think i'd ever be able to trust again
I kept him at arms length for a bit but I do think he genuinely regrets it. It was a weird situation anyway and we've had plenty of time to kiss and make up.

>talking about it with someone doesn't really do anything
Probably aren't talking to the right people. Good friends will also generally try to support you through solving the problem if they can. You mind if I ask what's up in particular?

>>82448153 (OP)
good day my liege please stay good and positive, your much too decent to fall off the deepend. Things are fine today. just waiting. On whether hopelessness is transient, its hard to answer. it most likely is yet it truly doesnt feel like it as you dont really notice when you gain hope so it feels like you stay permantely without hope noticing only the loss.
i suppose the main thing i am scared off, is rejection really probably why i wait in silence most days. for a more physical thing i suppose i am scared of melting flesh though that is a rare encounter most days.

>>82448153 (OP)
I've afraid there are malicious actors in my life that will prevent me from advancing in any form. In my mind I believe they have sabotage my life already. It scares me that I will never have a normal life to the point that I feel my spirit has been reduced to something that's not me anymore.

I've been living like this for years.

>>82448153 (OP)
I fear that I'll adapt to my desolate life, not enough to be satisfied, but just enough to keep me trapped with this nagging desire for real adventure, but I'll be too scared, too content, to get involved in this beautiful world.
Led by consumption, I'll work not towards any genuine goal but just to distract, to get closer to death, while fearing death above all. I'll survive more roach than warrior.