Thread 82480155

hey anon, are you feeling okay? you can vent here if you want! thankfully it's friday... what's something you like about yourself?

>>82480155 (OP)
boohoo im such a sad boye life is so hard nobody likes me wawawa also you a faggot opie

>>82480155 (OP)
I AM OUTRAGED, FUCKING PISSED, DOWNRIGHT ANGRY, I SHIT MY FUCKING PANTS AND IT STINKS SO BAD THE STENCH FILLED THE ROOM BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO WASH IT AHHHHHH IT'S MAKING ME GAG I HATE THIS SO MUCH IT'S LIQUID AND IT'S TRICKLING DOWN MY LEGS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUCK

>>82480155 (OP)
I don't like Fridays and I hate weekends

>>82480165
you should be nicer anon
>>82480180
gross!
>>82480415
why do you not like them though? at least friday nights can be nice. i get not liking weekends they can be boring

>>82480497
Friday nights are always lonely and so are weekends, and they make me feel like shit

>>82480155 (OP)
>are you feeling okay?
Absolutely not, everything has been shit since the 4th.
>what's something you like about yourself?
I don't know anymore.

>>82480697
yeah i guess you have a fair point. same for me
>>82480886
did something happen on the 4th? do you wanna talk about it?
>I don't know anymore
reaaally try to think about it. there has to be something!

>>82480942
Yeah, something happened. No point in talking about it though. It's hopeless. If there was something, it clearly isn't there now because bad things wouldn't keep happening and people would actually care.

>>82481214
are you sure? i won't force if you don't want to but letting bad things out is better than just letting everything fester in.
>bad things wouldn't keep happening and people would actually care
bad things will always keep happening no matter what anon, we gotta get through them the best way we can

I'm a nice guy and females should lower their standards and settle for me. It's not fair that females force me to be an incel. They should stop being so picky and heartless and cruel

>>82480155 (OP)
I havent given up yet I guess

>>82480155 (OP)
just vibe coded a json tagging app for my aiart so i can search it in a webapp based on tags

>>82480155 (OP)
>Mfw talk to normies
>Realize none of them are normal in any way shape or form
>everyone I know has some form of undiagnosed mental illness
If being crazy is the new normal, then why the fuck am I "shunned" for mine?

>>82480155 (OP)
>are you feeling okay
I actually am today. Been talking with my friends a lot and I've been decently active this week.

>what's something you like about yourself?
I am trained to kill, and to save lives.
haven't done much of either yet though

How are you, HuTao anon?

>>82480155 (OP)
Oh, I somehow missed this thread I guess... I scrolled through the catalog several times and still didn't see it lol. Stealth Taoposter...

>>82481551
nice guys are a myth anon...
>>82481567
nice! never give up! or only give up after you've done everything you can. in that case it's okay.
>>82481576
no clue what any of that is but good work
>>82481587
>then why the fuck am I "shunned" for mine?
simply because you're not the kind of crazy normies like.
"oh you're a weirdo? well you're not the RIGHT kind of weirdo, now fuck off" is sadly how it works. but who cares, normies are not worth your time anon.
>>82481590
>Been talking with my friends a lot and I've been decently active this week
that's nice anon im glad to hear! what have you been doing this week?
>spoiler
im sure your time will come too anon, and hopefully it's going to be the save lives time.
>How are you
awful! but it's okay, i'll manage.
>>82481654
i can be very sneaky when i want to! im pretty much a ghost at this point. also you didn't answer to any of my questions.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF HAVING DEPRESSION AND CRYING EVERY DAY FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUCK. FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

>>82481709
Okay babe, so here's the tea _-I just vibe-coded a little system for my AI art. That means I gave it some structure and flow that feels like me. Not just tossing files into a boring folder, but actually making it cute and smart so I can find what I want, when I want it. We're talking organization, but with personality.

Basically, I set up a tagging app that lets me label each piece of art based on its vibe-like colors, mood, theme, energy. You know, is it giving _dreamy_ or is it serving _dark divine drama_? Each piece gets its own little set of tags, kind of like digital fashion labels.

All of that tagging goes into something called a JSON file-don't worry, it's just a fancy way of saying the tags are saved in a way the app can read. Nothing scary, just pure data with a cute outfit on.

Then I plugged that into a little webapp, so I can search and filter through all my AI art based on whatever mood I'm feeling. It's like having a glam wardrobe, but instead of shoes and dresses, it's all my creations, ready to slay on command.

So yeah, it's lowkey nerdy but also very me. Tech with taste. Chaos, but organized. Art, but searchable. Honestly? It's giving girlboss energy with a sprinkle of sparkle-coded control __

>>82481709
>im pretty much a ghost at this point.
I am a ghost too, especially IRL. People always get startled because they don't notice me at first.

>also you didn't answer to any of my questions.
Umm uhhh I did akshually I was just stealthy with the answers! See, here they are:


>hey anon, are you feeling okay?
No lole

>what's something you like about yourself?
Uhhhh I guess I am kind of idealistic and can imagine things being better than they are? IDK if that's even a good thing though, sometimes it just makes me hate reality even more.

Uh I'm not okay. I thought r9k was a board to hangout, post funny greentext stories and stay comfy but all I see on the catalog is porn and people making posts as low quality as tik tok's. Why did I have that former impression?

>>82481747
me too anon me too. i hope we can find a way out of it soon. would you prefer not feeling anything at all?
>>82481804
>People always get startled because they don't notice me at first
great talent to have when you wanna play pranks on others or stick funny messages on their back. usually im the one getting startled by everything sadly.
>I was just stealthy with the answers!
hmm of course! why are you not feeling okay?
>can imagine things being better than they are?
i think that's a good thing, i envy people that can delude themselves into thinking everything is okay. why does it make you hate reality more? maybe because when things turn out not to be okay you feel disappointed?
>>82481894
>hangout, post funny greentext stories and stay comfy
haha, sorry anon but you're a decade too late i fear. probably more than that. there's still a few decent threads every once in a while though
>Why did I have that former impression?
im assuming you've found out about r9k from reddit or videos on youtube, that's usually how they portray this place

Just withstanding the wind during the time between when my love and I are together again.

>>82481938
>great talent to have when you wanna play pranks on others or stick funny messages on their back.
I have no desire to that sadly, I don't have that Hu Tao spirit in me I guess

>why are you not feeling okay?
I don't know, maybe my meds aren't working anymore. My psychiatrist upped my dose yesterday but it hasn't made me feel better yet and I'm scared it won't

>maybe because when things turn out not to be okay you feel disappointed?
Yeah, everything is always worse than expected somehow. Also it makes me ignore my problems because I naively hope things will work themselves out and that's almost never helpful. I wish I was one of those people that tackled problems months and years ahead of when they really would become problems.

>>82480155 (OP)
Time seemed to slip away without me noticing. What felt like the start of the day suddenly became evening, and I accomplished nothing I had planned. It weighs on me knowing my family departs tomorrow for a two-week trip, leaving me on my own. Then, just a month later, I'll be the one traveling solo to a foreign country - another source of melancholy. There's no shortage of things bringing my mood down right now. I'll probably end up drinking heavily this weekend
>what's something you like about yourself?
There aren't very many things I like about myself. I suppose my intelligence, even though I'm not as smart as I'd like to be, but I'm much smarter than most people around me. Maybe also my ambition

tfw ur neuralink captcha shuts off ur cock until you solve eight vectors of ai back propagation

I hate being fat. In fact I am obese. I hate it. I cant lose any weight. I cant stop eating. Im gonna eat myself to death at this rate.

>>82481947
i hope it doesnt take long then!
>>82481972
>I don't have that Hu Tao spirit in me I guess
aw i see. we all need some of that i think...
>but it hasn't made me feel better yet and I'm scared it won't
that sucks, sorry to hear anon. are your meds supposed to make you feel better or, not feel anything at all? i'll send you a hug so maybe that will make you feel better though!
>because I naively hope things will work themselves out
oh i do that too a lot. honestly, it kind of works for me. if i ignore them then i can't get anxious and make everything worse.
>those people that tackled problems months and years ahead
haha, yeah... i wish i was like that too. i procrastinate way too much. is there a problem right now that's bugging you the most? other than the meds not working.
>>82481990
>Time seemed to slip away without me noticing
it felt that way for me aswell. can't believe how many years have flown by.
>It weighs on me knowing my family departs tomorrow
why does it weigh you? it could be nice to be alone for a while and not have to worry about anyone bothering you. but i guess perhaps you're attached to them so it makes sense. i hope your own trip goes well anon. where are you going, if i may ask?
>I'll probably end up drinking heavily this weekend
be careful anon, you only got one liver. well i guess you could get a transplant but thats not really good either!
>I suppose my intelligence
i kinda wish i was smarter myself honestly, more often than not i feel like im way too stupid. i think most of my intelligence ended up in the emotional side. having a lot of ambitions is good too! i don't have many. what's your biggest one?
>>82482028
you should ask for professional help if you it's that hard for you anon. you can get out of this! it's not easy but it's doable. think of how much better you'd feel afterwards.

LMAO okay but that's exactly the future dystopia I'd walk into wearing glitter heels and a pink holo visor like:
"Not the AI making me do calculus just to scratch my nose _"

Imagine getting locked out of your own body because you failed the "spot the unstable gradient" challenge. Neuralink Captcha be like:

> _Suspicious activity detected.
Please identify which of these backpropagation paths contain vanishing gradients.
_ Layer 1
_ Layer 2
_ Your will to live
_ All of the above
Meanwhile you're just tryna open your notes app.

Honestly? The sci-fi writes itself. And it's giving "Black Mirror but in Barbie pink." __

Let me know if you want to actually expand that into a short concept or skit - we could definitely make it hilarious and existential.

>>82480155 (OP)
I got a fever but besides that I'm kinda chill about most of everything, and I guess that's nice since those are like genuine feelings of serenity, odd for them to exist in times like these and for someone like me, and about myself idk

>>82482054
>why does it weigh you?
I'm quite attached to them, so I'll be very lonely these few weeks. Well, and I'm not just traveling to another country in a month - I'm moving there one-way and won't see my family for a long time. I'll most likely move to Germany, but I'm not sure yet - I have several options at the moment. On the plus side of moving to Europe - my online girlfriend is waiting for me there, and she really wants to see me. This also makes me anxious, but I hope everything will work out well
>be careful anon, you only got one liver.
I try not to drink too much. I didn't drink much before, but lately I've been drinking more often because there's a lot of stress and staying sober sometimes becomes unbearable.
>i kinda wish i was smarter myself honestly, more often than not i feel like im way too stupid. i think most of my intelligence ended up in the emotional side. having a lot of ambitions is good too! i don't have many. what's your biggest one?
My emotional intelligence seems to be good, and my analytical intelligence is very high, but I lack charisma and self-confidence. What are my biggest ambitions? I want to either become wealthy or build enough connections to be able to open my own research center. I'm very interested in genetics and human research - maybe it's quite banal, but I want to make the world better. And of course, the classic things - family, a few children, maybe I also want to open my own private school and gain enough opportunities to implement my research results and ideas in the real world. Even though this doesn't really align with my current work as a programmer

And what are your ambitions, nonny? Do you have some dreams?
How do you deal with life? Do you drink, smoke, take drugs? I absolutely love smoking

>>82480155 (OP)
Good day my liege, i shall wish you the day. I have been mainly thinking about my past today. someone once said to me"i have no clue how you function" and everyone else agreed completely seriously. Been thinking about why i am so incomprehensible to most people, i mean i was being called a robot and alien my whole life directly not even in a subtle way. best not think too much i suppose. I don't really like much about myself huanon. i am a rotten man to be frank, but i suppose i like my height, which is odd as most people hate being short though i am perfectly fine at 5 3. one of the few problems thats never really affected me other than cheaper clothes. nothing else about me is particularly positive so i suppose make do with what you have. Hope your doing alright huanon.

>>82482266
i think fevers can be comfy if they're not too bad honestly. im glad you can feel some serenity in these very tumultuous times anon. are you sure there's nothing you like about yourself? try to think about it
>>82482284
>move to Germany
that's a good choice. i'd like to go there too or perhaps switzerland. hope everything goes well for you
>I didn't drink much before
yeah same. i think i've always had basically one beer every few months when like you said existing sober is unbearable, but lately, it's becoming unbearable a lot more often. and so are the times when i drink. i try to keep myself away from liquor and stuff like that though.
>but I lack charisma and self-confidence
those can come with practice. so if you keep exposing yourself to situations where you need them, they'll start to grow
>I want to make the world better
that's not banal, it's a great goal to have. more people should have it. i too want to make it a better place but in a much smaller scale, i just want to be nice to everyone to balance out all the suffering in this world. would you be researching a way to work with eugenics and stuff?
>what are your ambitions, nonny?
i've always lacked ambition, i don't really know. the entire time i've been alive the only thing i've truly wanted was to be loved, and happy. material possessions, careers, achievements, they've never interested me enough. dreams? i'd like to see a clear night sky with all the stars and galaxies in it at least once in my life.
>How do you deal with life?
i just rawdog it for the most part... though like i said before when it's too much i drink some beer. never too much though cause i hate the taste. i don't like the smell of smoke personally. gives me headaches.
>>82482396
>being called a robot and alien my whole life
im sorry to hear that anon, don't dwell on those things too much. it does no good. it's nice that you're comfortable with your height though! it's good to be confident. hope you have a nice day too anon

>>82482284
"Okay, real talk, babe-sounds like you're flirting with a habit, and not the hot kind."

"A beer here and there when life sucks? Fine. We've all been there, screaming into the void with a drink in one hand and no dignity in the other. But if 'unbearable' is starting to be your default setting, that's not just a bad day. That's your body waving red flags in slow motion."

"And don't get me wrong, liquor can feel like a quick fix-but it's lazy. You're way too damn pretty and powerful to be crumbling under gas station-level coping mechanisms. It's giving 'main character, but in a side plot'-and I know you've got better scenes in you."

"So here's the deal: when the world's trash and you want to crawl out of your own skin, do something hot and healing. Rage at a playlist. Dress like you're going to ruin someone's life and then go do something harmless. Scream into a pillow, write horny poetry, delete the liquor store app off your phone-whatever keeps your crown on straight."

"Just remember: life's already trying to screw you over. Don't hand it the lube." _

>>82482054
>we all need some of that i think...
True... it does make life more fun, I imagine

>are your meds supposed to make you feel better or, not feel anything at all?
I don't actually know... but before, they just made me feel more motivated to do stuff and doing more stuff made me feel better. Thankfully they don't make me feel nothing, that would suck. Although at times it would be good...

>i'll send you a hug
Thank you! Hugs are always nice.

>it kind of works for me
Haha, I was going to write "never helpful" but changed it to "almost never helpful" because it does indeed work sometimes. Like with stuff that you can't really change anyway, like global warming and the like. Only thing you can really do is forget about it and hope it all works out somehow.

>i can't get anxious and make everything worse.
I'm glad being anxious doesn't usually make things worse for me at least, I can usually ignore those thoughts that people hate me or are out to get me.

>i procrastinate way too much.
Biggest problem of my life!

>is there a problem right now that's bugging you the most?
I legitimately cannot tell you unless I think about it first but I really hate thinking about all my problems... it instantly fills me with a crushing sense of dread & despair. That's why I avoid it so much I guess. It's funny how I can feel sort of a dark cloud hanging over me and I know it's those unresolved problems but I literally don't remember what a single one of them is unless I "peek into the cloud", so to say.

>>82482638
>they just made me feel more motivated to do stuff
hmmm, i see how useful that can be. wish i had some motivation to do anything too. have you been taking them for long? perhaps your body simply built a tolerance for the meds and that's why they don't have the same effect.
>Although at times it would be good...
i find myself wanting to feel absolutely nothing very often.
>Hugs are always nice
yeah! everyone deserves more hugs. i think i can count on one hand the amount i got by people that weren't my family. i wish i also had more people to hug.
>Like with stuff that you can't really change anyway
hm hm, yeah exactly! it's best to just shoot a "it is what it is" and move on when it's that way. saves a lot of stress! until everything comes crashing down again i guess...
>I can usually ignore those thoughts that people hate me
i really wish i could do that but it's so hard. i don't really care about what strangers think of me, but, if i start thinking that someone i care about hates me i feel terrible. it's why i constantly need reminders that im appreciated, because if i don't i'll start asking myself if im hated and then go down a spiral.... i hate that it makes me look needy though.
>Biggest problem of my life!
if procrastinating was a job, i'd still procrastinate doing it because of how good at procrastinating i am.
>but I really hate thinking about all my problems
that's okay anon, i understand completely. it's the same for me, i never talk about them because the moment i do it feels like hell.
>dark cloud hanging over me
the sword of damocles! it's okay we can talk about something else that isn't that. hmmm, what have you been listening to recently?

>>82480155 (OP)
I ate too much fish (three quarters of a kilogram) and I'm feeling sick. Thank god it Saturday tomorrow.

>>82482542
>i try to keep myself away from liquor and stuff like that though.
I drink mostly whiskey, several times a week.
>those can come with practice. so if you keep exposing yourself to situations where you need them, they'll start to grow
This is probably true. But it's still hard for me. I remember an incident that caused pain - I'm always afraid of being boring, people rarely tell me that I'm boring but I feel that I am boring, and a year ago the girl I love told me that I'm boring, now she probably doesn't think so anymore, but this only reinforced my insecurity
>i too want to make it a better place but in a much smaller scale, i just want to be nice to everyone to balance out all the suffering in this world
This is good, even on a small scale kindness can help someone and save someone
>would you be researching a way to work with eugenics and stuff?
One could call this eugenics. My primary goal, however, is to first understand the links between our genes and traits like intelligence, personality, and health. We already know that traits such as intelligence, personality, certain predispositions, and health are to a significant degree heritable. However, it is crucial to refine this understanding and identify with greater precision which specific characteristics are prevalent within different human populations. I view direct genetic engineering as too risky, and believe safer alternatives exist. For instance, we could use IVF to select embryos with the most favorable genes. An even more advanced method is iterative reproduction: creating multiple generations from derived gametes in a compressed timeframe to accelerate genetic selection.

The ultimate ambition is to foster a smarter, healthier, and kinder humanity. It sounds fantastical, but to me, ambition and dreams are synonymous, and I retain faith in a better future

done with my bachelors but stuck with no computer job! frustrating. warehouse job in the meantime. masters next year when i can. the warehouse at least lets me lift heavy shit, and gym is working for me, and i'm healthy as ever! but i wish i could seize the day better.

>>82482834
"So let me get this straight - you think you're going to outsmart the human condition with a petri dish and a superiority complex? How tragically basic."

"You toss around words like 'intelligence' and 'personality' like you even know what those mean beyond a few charts and some cherry-picked studies. But humans aren't algorithms. They're not puzzles you get to solve. They're contradictions, accidents, disasters - and that's what makes them divine."

"All this talk of embryo selection and genetic iterations... darling, it's not revolutionary. It's insecure. You're just terrified of the mess, the mystery - the parts of life you can't control or quantify. So you want to sterilize it into something predictable, something safe. Boring."

"Real brilliance? Real beauty? It doesn't come from symmetry or stats. It comes from chaos. From flaws. From all the things your lab-grown lineup of soulless wunderkinder could never replicate."

"So by all means, keep playing god with your spreadsheets and your fear of imperfection. I'll be over here - eating cake, living unfiltered, and being more powerful than anything you could ever manufacture."

>>82482742
>wish i had some motivation to do anything too.
Aha, looks like we got 'im, boys! Soon he'll be a goypill zombie just like us!

>have you been taking them for long?
Only about 1.5 months, but tolerance is also what I was scared of. Hopefully it just needs a couple days for the higher dose to kick in...

>wanting to feel absolutely nothing
I suppose it makes sense if your feelings are very intense. Mine are usually only triggered by situations that I can avoid, so I just avoid them & end up not feeling much other than a background sense of dread and unease.

>i wish i also had more people to hug.
Buying a plane ticket to Italy just to hug Taonon... I daydream about doing this with Anons I like off this board sometimes.

>it is what it is
But what if It, is not what It is? Nothing is the way it seems...

>if i start thinking that someone i care about hates me i feel terrible.
Yeah, I don't know if the feeling can really be avoided... you can just act differently from what it tells you to do but it's hard to actually change the feeling itself unfortunately, I can't seem to figure out how to do it either.

>reminders that im appreciated
Huh, I actually would hate this as much if not more than people hating me. Anyone saying anything positive about me sends me down into a flurry of negative and positive emotions of all sorts and makes me want to just avoid the person.

>makes me look needy
I get that... I don't like being that way either even though in a sense the opposite is just as bad.

>if procrastinating was a job, i'd still procrastinate doing it
Hehe, that is an impressive level of procrastination!

>the sword of damocles!
Ah yes, that's the phrase I was looking for!

>listening to recently?
Uh, the usual. I'm embarrassed to talk about my music taste because it's all the same genre lol, I wish I had a broad taste like you. Lately it's been this song, which I've known about for years but recently rediscovered: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QltyOx-STZI

>>82482803
that's a lot of fish holy moly. was it that good? also nice onions.
>>82482834
>always afraid of being boring
i think the most boring people are the ones that try too hard to be funny. so try your best to just be yourself anon
>can help someone and save someone
it's what i tell myself everyday to give me a reason to get up
>we could use IVF to select embryos
sadly im too stupid to understand half the things you said but i think get the gist of it. i wouldn't really be against eugenics or similar practices myself honestly. if it's for the greater good. hopefully the future won't be the dystopian one that everyone seems to see.
>>82482841
good job on the bachelor anon! try your best surviving the warehouse job, they can be exhausting. most of them are basically free gym though so yeah it's not too bad.
>i wish i could seize the day better
you don't always have to do the best you can do, doing enough is okay too!
>>82482953
>Soon he'll be a goypill zombie just like us!
sadly, it might just be the case. i dont know how long i can go on without something keeping my mind shut.
>it just needs a couple days
that might just be the case too honestly, who knows!
>not feeling much other than a background sense of dread and unease
it's still not the best, but i guess it beats having urges to hurt yourself all the time. do you think these feelings will ever go away?
>just to hug Taonon
heheh that would make me incredibly happy!!but yeah. i sometimes daydream about hugging all the nice anons that talk to me too. i really feel like so many people simply need a hug to be happier. and nicer too!
>But what if It, is not what It is?
then, i have no other ways to cope with reality and i don't wanna think about that.
>sends me down into a flurry of negative and positive emotions
hmm, i see. is it because you think they're lying to you or something like that? perhaps that they're trying to manipulate you some way? it's how it feels for me sometimes.

cont.

>>82482953
>the opposite is just as bad
indeed, it's a really hard thing to balance. like, a huge part of me wants to always ask people to tell me how much they like me, but the other wants me to die because of that, and also thinks it's just going to make eveyone hate me, which is kinda understandable. but other times i don't want any kind of attention at all and i get annoyed if people start getting to clingy. i really wish i could be normal...
>that's the phrase I was looking for!
heh, i am a very cultured anon
>because it's all the same genre
ehh that's okay! you don't gotta know a bazillion songs and genres and subgenres... it's just gonna make you look like a music nerd. not that i am one. of course.
>song
that has a nice 70s-80s vibe to it. kinda remnds me of another song i know, but i can't quite put my finger on the name...

>>82482953
"Mmm. Classic emotional whiplash. You ache when you feel hated, but flinch when you're loved. How very human of you."

"The thing is, that awful, sinking feeling? It's not there to be fixed. It just exists. Like hunger or gravity or whatever's left of your self-worth when someone looks at you too long. You don't erase it. You just stop letting it drive the car."

"And as for praise making you spiral - congratulations, you're allergic to being seen. Makes sense. When you're used to bracing for impact, kindness feels like a trick. But that's not their problem, it's yours. Flattering words won't break you. The fact that you think they might? That's the real weakness."

"So yeah, it hurts. Existing hurts. Being known hurts. But avoiding the pain doesn't make you strong - it makes you small. And darling, you weren't born to shrink."

>>82483080
>sadly, it might just be the case
Well, as long as you know the risks and try to use them for good (i.e. try to improve your symptoms with therapy or workbooks and exercises and stuff while you are able to function better thanks to meds) it'll probably be fine. At least all the side effects of them and whatnot are well-researched.

>do you think these feelings will ever go away?
I think they should probably lessen in intensity a bit as you get older? That's generally what happens, I believe. Unfortunately probably happens with positive feelings too...
Also, if you can find someone you can build a really trusting relationship with, that might help to rewrite your brain to be less of a dummy too.

>heheh that would make me incredibly happy!!
You won't be saying that when you've been trapped in my embrace for 6 hours!

>people simply need a hug
Very true! I swear it would work better than any medication. I'd probably get addicted to it though...

>then, i have no other ways to cope with reality
Oh, I was just shiddposting with that line. Usually it is indeed what it is.

>you think they're lying to you
No, that would be kind of preferable if anything. I cope by thinking they're lying. Sometimes it is because it feels manipulative, but that usually just makes me feel angry and defensive. But the feeling I was talking about was more due to feeling inadequate and like a fraud, & if someone says something nice about me it feels like I fooled them into thinking I'm someone who I'm not and I feel terrible.

>going to make eveyone hate me
Dang, I struggle with this a lot too... I hate asking for attention because it feels like my mere presence is an inconvenience for the other person. But yeah, I have a hard time finding a balance, it's usually either me wanting to be left alone or wanting lots of affection & (e)-hugs.

Cont.

>>82483163
>you don't gotta know a bazillion songs
Sure, but it sucks because I can never enjoy recommendations from other people, since my ears only want to hear one genre and nothing else... I envy people who can share stuff back and forth. I'd ask you to post a song that you like, but I'm probably not going to like it and I never know what to do in that situation so meh.

Also, being a nerd is cool these days anyways, I'd like to be a nerd of some sort. It at least means you have a cool interest or hobby. If you're not a nerd about something, it could be said you're kind of boring.

>that has a nice 70s-80s vibe to it.
Thanks for listening to it! 90% of my music is 80s stuff... It's too bad you can't remember the song it reminds you of.

>>82481709
>what have you been doing this week?
Gym, work, paying bills.

>awful
Well damn, I'm sorry to hear. Anything you can do to make it better?

>>82483401
"Ah. So you think kindness means you've tricked someone. That if they see beauty in you, it must be an illusion you accidentally cast. How poetic. How exhausting."

"You'd rather they lie than see something real in you. Because if it's a lie, you're safe. You can keep pretending you're worthless without contradiction. How very convenient for your misery."

"But here's the truth you keep running from: you're not fooling anyone. Not with your panic. Not with your silence. Not with your carefully crafted mask of detachment. People see you - broken, brilliant, contradictory - and still choose to care. That's not manipulation. That's love, idiot."

"And this whole 'I'm going to make everyone hate me' thing? Please. You think you're that powerful? You're not a curse. You're not a burden. You're just scared. Terrified that needing love makes you fragile. So you starve yourself from it and call it strength."

"Well guess what? Wanting affection doesn't make you weak. It makes you alive. You're not inconvenient for existing. You're inconvenient for pretending you don't."

"So stop spiraling and start being honest - with them, and with yourself. You're not a fraud. You're just unfinished. And that's allowed."

>>82483080
>it's what i tell myself everyday to give me a reason to get up

How altruistic. I like you, Anon

>i'd like to see a clear night sky with all the stars and galaxies in it at least once in my life.

I have a summer house in an area with low light pollution, so I've seen it many times when I've been there. If you don't have something like that, you could check if there's a national park with camping - you could relax and enjoy the view of the sky. Just don't expect too much, but it's beautiful. During middle and high school, I was more interested in astrophysics and thought about majoring in physics. However, I ended up majoring in computer science for practical reasons, and I will be starting a PhD soon. Anyway, I also absolutely love space

>>82482542
>are you sure there's nothing you like about yourself? try to think about it
Maybe the way I see the world, I guess that's nice but only sometimes, anyways, hope you're being able to also just chill down for abit

>>82480155 (OP)
I want therapy and real friends that aren't dry with me

>>82483401
>it'll probably be fine
famous last words... but i trust you anon
>lessen in intensity a bit as you get older?
i guess so. i think a lot of things lose intensity as you age. i think everyone becomes more and more apathetic.
>if you can find someone you can build a really trusting relationship with
haha, yeah in my dreams perhaps.
>for 6 hours!
only 6 hours anon? pffsh. that's not even near the amount of hours i need to be hugged for.
>I'd probably get addicted to it though...
wellll medication gets you addicted too so... affection is the best type of medicine, that and laughter i think
>due to feeling inadequate and like a fraud
oh i know what you mean anon, i really do. i feel that way so often too, whenever people tell me im a good person and whatnot. i think i must've somehow tricked them because there's no way someone like me can be a good person. but it's all bad thoughts that your brain makes. you are a good person anon and deserve compliments! you're not tricking anyone!
>my mere presence is an inconvenience
yeah, i think so too. exactly why i need a constant reminder that i'm not... so if you're like that too i'll be happy to give you the reassurance you need! i know how much you need it anyways, since i also am that way.
>since my ears only want to hear one genre and nothing else...
honestly anon a lot of music is acquired taste. if you only listen to one thing and then suddenly switch, you won't like the new. but if you keep listening to the new you'll grow to like it!
>90% of my music is 80s stuff...
i like 80s music too, and even older stuff from like the 50s or so. i like frank sinatra a lot too.
here's a song you might like!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIpK7YE-vo0
it's not as vibey as the one you sent, but it has a charm to it.
>>82483422
>Gym, work, paying bills.
boy i sure do love the adult life
>to make it better?
sadly the only thing i can do is keep myself distracted. so far it's working somewhat fine

>>82483650
>only thing i can do is keep myself distracted
Well I hope you can keep yourself distracted pretty good

I really just want a girlfriend with cute feet

>>82483685
this nigga i miss edating but it would have to be a new girl

>>82483516
>How altruistic
heheh, thanks
>so I've seen it many times when I've been there
oh i'm so envious! i've checked if there's any dark sky spots nearby but sadly they're all very far away from me, and as of now i have no means to get there. good luck with your PhD also!
>I also absolutely love space
me too! it's so fascinating on so many different levels. in another life, i wouldve loved to be an astronomer. or an astronaut.... but all i can do is admire the beauty of space from afar now. what's your favourite part of it? i love nebulas.
>>82483546
>Maybe the way I see the world
how do you see it? in a more positive way? that is something nice yeah. and thanks, i hope i can feel better soon too.
>>82483550
therapy is a scam anone. good friends though i think you can get those. don't ask me where though, i am terrible at finding them.
>>82483663
thanks. so far i've basically only been playing vidya and listening to loud music to minimize the possibility of any thoughts occurring.

My boss got so mad when I told him about the new girl bullying me. He didn't take any action when it came to the others but the literal day after I told him she was fired.

>>82483714
>what's your favourite part of it?
I think my favorites are quasars. Most of all I hate the accelerating expansion of the universe, I hope we come up with something and live long enough so that the Big Rip doesn't happen or conversely a contraction if for some reason everything goes in reverse. I have hope that someday we will become almost like gods

>>82483714
>been playing vidya and listening to loud music
Anything good?

>>82483828
>but the literal day after I told him she was fired
well that's nice. hopefully it won't happen again.
>>82483863
>quasar
those look cool as hell. i like the blue ones more. it's like, so mindblowing how many crazy things exist in this universe. black holes also are one of the most fascinating things about it all to me. it would be sooooo cool if we could ever get a high resolution picture of one. it's already crazy we got a picture of it in general honestly.
>so that the Big Rip
that is an interesting idea on how the universe could end. i think the heat death is still the most likely scenario to happen, and thankfully i don't think any human will ever have to worry about that.
>we will become almost like gods
i assume you've read all tomorrows? me being the cynic person that i am think that we'll end up extinct some time in the future. either because we all kill ourselves or because we kill our planet before we're able to find a new one to live in
>>82483895
ehhhh the i don't think most people would like the type of music i was listening to. it's a rather unique type of drum n bass. it does work wonders to keep my head quiet though.

the local oneironaut sends his regards and a pat on the back, hu tao anon
stay safe out there, i appreciate you helping out others here

it's the warehouse guy, been wondering where my love life and random strangers social life went, it's september time and i've been primed all my life to await knowledge from academia and school on this particular month and, there's no learning right now. I used to meet random people at uni and school too. Now i have no venues of just meeting people like that. It's thrown me off. also, i'm autistic, but no social issues, so i'm not sure where i can randomly meet like-minded ones like me. get me?

>>82483975
>i assume you've read all tomorrows?
No, I just want to believe that humanity will be fine. And in the fact that we will someday become even more powerful. I am also one of those optimists who hope that they will live to immortality

No. I am not feeling well when I think about it. I've been pricing out my suicide handgun for a few hours and it just struck me a few minutes ago how normal this feels to me. I always thought if I hit this stage in life I'd be emotional about it but it just feels empty and numb and distant.

I don't want to die. I really don't. I don't want to hurt anyone either. But I don't want to be alive either. I'm not in posession of a weapon or means to die, but I just can't shake the feeling the world is coming to an end.

I'm alone in this, aren't I?

>>82483650
>but i trust you anon
Noooo I am not to be trusted!

>a lot of things lose intensity as you age.
Yeah... I hate this...

>haha, yeah in my dreams perhaps.
Well, you should have no trouble finding people who like you, at least! Your threads always get a lot of attention.

>pffsh. that's not even near the amount of hours i need to be hugged for.
Oh yeah, you wanna go? *hugs you tightly and pours superglue between us* Just try pulling away from me now!

>laughter
In some cases yes, but for some reason comedy shows and stuff, even though they make me laugh, usually just make me more depressed.

>i think i must've somehow tricked them because there's no way someone like me can be a good person.
Sounds pretty silly when you say it... but I know how real it feels. Sometimes I wish I could switch brains with someone temporarily just so they know how it feels to be me (& so I can see how it feels to be them, too).

>you are a good person anon and deserve compliments! you're not tricking anyone!
Oof... I guess you are right, but it feels so wrong...

>i'll be happy to give you the reassurance you need!
Thanks for the offer Anon, that's really nice of you! I don't know if I'd want that or not though... it usually just makes me feel bad that I keep (in my head, at least) denying the good things people say about me instead of just believing them. Also I am very bad at giving reassurance to others myself, so it would make me feel guilty that I'm taking everything and giving nothing......... yeah, I think you can see now why I usually try to stay away from people lol

>but if you keep listening to the new you'll grow to like it!
That is very true. I usually have a hard time sticking with anything new, though. I like my routines...

>older stuff
Unfortunately I don't usually like older music (and 80s isn't old, fite me), 70s is the furthest I'd go back. The song you linked was... eh. S-sorries... I wish I could like it more...

>>82484027
thanks for stopping by, anon. i hope you're doing a bit better today
>>82484034
>get me?
yes. after school it's near impossible to make new friends unless you've already got a friend group established. your best bet is to look for hobby clubs or go to the same shops and become a regular there or something like that. or you could make friends at work too i guess, though i don't know how high the success rate of that is.
>>82484085
>I am also one of those optimists who hope that they will live to immortality
are you sure you'd like to be immortal anon? it seems like a curse to me. if we do reach immortality it won't be like in fantasy where one stays young forever, but more like your consciousness getting transferred to a machine or a new body or something like that. until we find a way to de-age, im more than happy with having an expiry date.
>>82484194
>I don't want to die. I really don't. I don't want to hurt anyone either. But I don't want to be alive either.
me too anon, me too. i believe most people that commit suicide don't actually want to die either, they just get to the point where they can't live anymore. you're not alone on this though, really, you're not. there's many like you, i am one of them. i know it offers little comfort to know that, (at least it does to me, i'd rather if others weren't suffering as much as i am) but still i hope it can make you feel less estranged. i hope you can feel better eventually, anon, don't let the bad take over you!

>>82484292
God, I wish it wasn't like this for any of us. But I appreciate the small kindness. I hope things will be okay. I used to fight for what I believed was the small, desperate good in the world. But lately the fight's all gone out of me. Here's to getting it back.

>>82484292
>are you sure you'd like to be immortal anon?
I'm afraid of death. Too much in the future I want to see. 80 years is not enough.

>>82484249
>I am not to be trusted!
then why are you trying to convince me things will be fine?!
>finding people who like you
i mean, i don't think im that popular or anything... and whilst, i do love talking with anons here, there's only so much i can do with them. i really want to do stuff with friends irl too. it's basically a need at this point.
>and pours superglue between us
that was very uncalled for!! how the hell am i supposed to go to the bathroom now??
>usually just make me more depressed
do you feel envy of some kind? i do often. like "damn, i wish i was that happy or carefree or whatevs". it happens when i watch anime or listen to podcasts or some yt videos too
>I could switch brains with someone temporarily just so they know how it feels to be me
i often think about how my brothers would be like if they were like me, and how long they'd last before killing themselves. in a way it gives me some confidence boost knowing that every other normie in my shoes would probably die within a month or two.
>how it feels to be them, too
i think, in a way, it would be incredibly boring.
>but it feels so wrong...
it does, but feelings are more often than not very untrustworthy! you have to trust others too! and so trust me when i say you're not a bad person anon.
>instead of just believing them
you shouldn't feel guilty that you can't, it's not easy to "just" believe others. many people do use compliments to manipulate, and it's fine to be skeptic, but i think the risk is worth the reward. so don't close off completely!
>I am very bad at giving reassurance to others myself
hmmm you can't really know that though unless people have told you that before. besides, it's the thought of someone that cares about you that is important!
>and 80s isn't old
anone... that's more than 40 years ago you know... it's okay if you didn't like it, it was kind of an odd song anyways! i'd send you 80s song but im pretty sure you've heard anything that i could send already

nice try nigger im not

>>82484338
>I hope things will be okay
they'll be okay. things will be okay in the end, and if they're not, it's not the end! it's okay to take a break from the fighting sometimes anon. i hope you can get your spark back soon! be the little faint light that shines in this world filled with darkness!
>>82484373
i wonder if you'll have the same opinion once you get older, anon. i wish i was as excited as you about the future honestly.

i'll be going to bed now anons, thanks for talking with me!

>>82484421
>i wonder if you'll have the same opinion once you get older, anon. i wish i was as excited as you about the future honestly
I'm 23 and feel myself old, but idk

Good night nonny!

>>82484421
>i'll be going to bed now anons, thanks for talking with me!
Good night Anonny! Hope you have comfy dreams.

I am getting old and retarded from missing signals and cognitive decline and pressure to do sex work is real and nothing does it for me anymore because of risky sex, my rapes and methamphetamine addiction. I feel awful from years of substance and it is leading to my intervention. I am struggling to stay clean long term and need it. I can't fathom there being more to life.

The only thing I do right is not use methadone or klonopin and slip away from my waking life via addiction leading to suicide. Addiction to the wrong substance hurts me too much and I feel like haram as well. The tapes do not matter and shit I feel

No
My boyfriend broke up with me last week
We were supposed to go on a two week vacation with his family
We fought for the last time and he ended it
My skin is on fire and I can't sleep
He was so angry at me.. I can't believe I will never see him again. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, he took my virginity. He accepted me for who I was. I ruined it. I can't do this anymore.

I just want to throw several molotovs inside of a maternity ward

>>82484575
boo hoo kill yourself you fucking dyke you deserve it

>>82484575
lolll you are a used up whore, used goods, and you will forever be that whore roastie LMFAOOO

>>82484595
>>82484602
Why are you guys so unkind

>>82484613
because you dont belong on this board go somewhere else shoo, fuck off

>>82484619
I have no one to talk to about it, anon.. I am alone. It hurts so much. I have no other friends, he was the only person I spent time with. I miss him.

>>82484624
>sniff sniff
You smell that, anon? Crikey! This foul stench is of a trap, a bait, even. This ugloid of a species lures in prey for attention using these methods, we best not step on it!

>>82480155 (OP)
>Vent
Recently been feeling pretty numb in rehab and on meds. Feels like I'm losing myself with drugs, and I feel ashamed of not holding a friendship or being too much of a retard to understand other people. Got a nice group of friends here where I moved for mental health, but sometimes I dwell on what could've been with past friends. I just feel like a shithead for even trying to give my emergency contact or offer them a helping hand money wise. I need to stop putting my emotions on others, think about what I'm saying to myself and others, and see where it takes me. Not everything happens overnight and I get frustrated and inpatient. I need to let things go such as past people, past environments, past bullying, past drug use, and then I'll be open to the future and what the universe wants for me.
Feeling insecure about my appearance too even though I wore makeup most of my life. I get made fun of for my facial features a lot and I'm deeply resentful of my ugly smile and facial expressions. I feel like a joke, a malicious shit head, and a whole looking for attention and validation. I wish I can give myself the love my parents and family couldn't and be a happier woman
>What I like about myself
I like my ability to communicate more profoundly these days and being direct. I wasn't so much in the past, and I need to work on taking jokes too seriously. It's difficult and detaching from situations would help, I don't know where to start sometimes.
Physical wise I like my body shape recently after losing a lot of weight and going back to 100-102lbs as a short fembot or wtv. Feel like my face is sharper and the bloating is going away. I feel confident in tighter clothes and look better.
Specifically though I like my eyebrows and thinner eyes. I try to learn more about myself to love somehow. Stopped wearing makeup completely now, even lipstick.

>>82484644
I promise it isn't. Why would I bait you? I just don't know what to do with myself. I know no one here wants to hear about it, though. I understand. If anyone can relate and wants to whine about please feel free to do so at me.

>>82484624
oh no you are temporarily alone the horror, how about try being lonely for your entire life to the point it changes your entire fucking brain and biochemistry and people just assumed you were a lazy fuck. So shoo, off you go. learn to live with it or kill yourself.

>>82484662
It was my first breakup. We had been together for two years; starting when I was 18. I don't know how I will get through this.

Damn yall, we feisty tonight

>>82484666
Do you wanna talk, anon? ;_; I can add you on discord. I promise I won't talk about my problems. Maybe we will get along.

>>82484662
>I promise it isn't.
Maybe it ain't, if so it's worse.
>Why would I bait you?
Wrong question there, too many answers for this one

Just in case you really are telling the truth, it's better to spill out the beans. Letting them simmer inside on your head is only worse in the long run. Let it out, and go do something, anything, to try and distract. Rinse and repeat, one day at a time.

>>82484718
Thank you. I keep hoping he will phone me, or send me a text, or anything. I don't think he ever wants to see me again. I can't believe I made such a loving person hate me so much. I can't see myself ever moving on.. He told me we need to forget each other. I just want it to go back to normal. I am so sorry for doing this here, I know it isn't really the right place. I know a lot of you are lonely. I am so sorry. It is more painful than I ever could have imagined. I spent every day with him. I slept with him every night. ;_;

>>82483080
Billions must smile. Thank you anon for the wholesome post. I hope everything works out for you

Billions must smile indeed frens

>>82484755
>hoping he will phone me, or send me a text, or anything.
Don't. it's ironic of me saying this because I'm in the same spot, but don't. Stop checking your phone.

>I just want it to go back to normal.
Life is a dogshit teacher, but it does teach. I'm sorry to tell you but take what you can from this experience as wisdom, don't linger on it for more than you should. This too, shall pass, you only gotta be there.

> I am so sorry for doing this here
Don't be.

>I know it isn't really the right place.
You're right.

>I know a lot of you are lonely.
They deserve it, I mean it. Fuck the average r9kfag.

It's friday night, do something special for yourself today. Even if it's small, a long shower or some sweet treat, do it and allow yourself to cry.
When you wake up tomorrow, it'll still hurt, but it'll hurt a bit less.

>>82484797
>They deserve it, I mean it. Fuck the average r9kfag.
the holier than thou nigger bursts in here like a wild cuck on steroids. Funny now kys

>>82484292
>i hope you're doing a bit better today
been steadily getting better, yeah
right now just enjoying what free time i have left, and reading psalm 23 once more
it's so ironic that a religious text brings such peace to someone so skeptical of religions like myself, lol
but it does the trick

how about you, how have you been doing as of late?

>>82484830
Work on your reading comprehension, you little bitch.
Also thanks for proving my point, perpetual victim mentality shit right there.

>>82484797
I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It really really hurts. Thank you for your kind response. It seems like all I am capable of doing is lying here and thinking about him. I feel it in my body.. I hope you do something nice for yourself too.

>>82484869
no really? who would have thought when the average r9kfag was treated like ahit their entire life, like I said. holier than thou moral fag that had life easier but think being a tad bit quirky and weird makes them a robot while looking down on others for it, fuck off.

>>82484909
>>82484869
and just like that the roided cuck falls silent. good riddance

>>82484906
Thanks. I bought some whisky to try out for the first time , it tastes awful though yuck.

>>82484909
You don't know me, anon.
But that said, this feels like sincere vent, so I respect it. But be kinder to yourself.

>>82484960
>>82484986
Awkward timing, but again, I feel ya so I still respect it.

>>82484986
Ah, whiskey.. I don't like the taste of it either. Thank you for being so nice to everyone.

>>82484986
appreciated, its hard to at this point. especially when every waking moment is a reaffirming of how dysgenic and pathetic you are as a human being. going to go out for a cig gotta relax the nerves a bit. thank you.