Thread 83037024

other people are the key to my own happiness. i can call that vexing and complain about it, but no amount of laboured breath changes that fact. being around others makes me content. listening to others ramble about silly things makes me happy. even rotting behind my screens is enjoyable in the company of others. ah, i am alone again. the shadows are creeping once more.

i wish "i miss you" wasn't so poisonous of a sentence. the more i clutch onto people the more they recoil.

erstwhile heroic,
expected stoic.
solitude chronic,
your presence,
a tonic.

>neurotypical npc doesn't exist until someone with an actual consciousness perceives them

many such cases

>>83037034
i am far from neurotypical. existing on my own is degrading to my soul. i want to be perceived, positively.

>>83037024 (OP)
Sounds like you're crutching on people for your own self validation. I don't talk to many people so I've become the opposite, being happy in my solitude and doing things for my own sake. It's the difference between an artist who only makes art for everyone to observe and comment on versus the artist who makes art for their own pleasure even if no one will ever see it. Make peace with yourself. Live for yourself not for others.

>>83037024 (OP)
Not necessarily, my presence in groups isolates me from myself but I live with a constant need of being perceived, I crave solitude but I'm always accompanied by a different kind of loneliness, sometimes I feel cursed especially in my worst days but I'm still living by.

>>83037554
self-validation feels tasteless and bland compared to the validation from people you respect. and plus, you'll eventually run out of things to do in solitude. the wick is burning and the clock is turning.

>>83037793

the difficulty of wanting to be alone but wanting to be noticed? perhaps it is rather that you wish to be gazed upon only by a smaller, trusted group, rather than the masses.

>>83037024 (OP)
You are the anti-me. Sometimes im forced to walk some blocks with classmates (my university has two separate buildings like 15 blocks away from each other, so we have to walk between classes) and that small chat kills me, even if i don't say anything, being around them and listen to them just fucking dries me. Whenever i can avoid it i have a lot more energy for the rest of the day. Idk, i don't dislike them really, good people, but fuck.

>>83037024 (OP)
Being alone is easy, but easy things are not rewarding...

>>83038727
I'm constantly working towards being someone I can respect. There's always more things to do and become better at. I'll always have myself, but people and friends are fickle, unreliable, and fleeting, why you would put your life's stake into them doesn't make any sense to me.

>>83037024 (OP)
I had my annual socialization at a work retreat last week and was feeling extremely anxious and wanting to die by the final day of it

>>83038727
>perhaps it is rather that you wish to be gazed upon only by a smaller, trusted group, rather than the masses.
Yeah that was my dream for a while but the lingering feeling haunts me still, that's why I say it's a curse but I'll live by, as mentioned, but yeah you might be right, I've always been very detached and distant from anything including what could be consider as my "dreams" but still doesn't matter how much I value isolation, it's ultimately unbearable for the soul. Perhaps a group anon, perhaps a small group of something as rare as people that I can feel comofortably with in the long run

>>83037034
fpbp
>i love to be around people so much and i'm sooo sad
i mean he's not "neurotypical" in the sense that he's obviously retarded but other than that

>>83037024 (OP)
>talk to friend
>convos can suck
>still feel noticeably better later that day after talkign to friends
kill me. i won't be able to cope being alone when they all bloom and have kids

>>83037024 (OP)
i need to have a relationship to be truly happy. i need to be loved even just a little to be truly happy.
when my crush was talking to me, i felt happy for once. im chronically depressed and i never thought id escape it. but him just texting me once a day was enough for me to feel good. i miss him so much.
tho funnily i feel depressed having friends and dont really enjoy them