Basically I am an adult woman female permanently nihilistic and anhedonic and the only things in life that drive me,make me feel anything and I find meaning are things that are agents of pain and chaos specifically either cutting myself, drinking, having a boyfriend (only had one fml) since let me honest dating men even if the guy is "nice" it can still be hurtful, listening to sad music, I am sure I can think of more. I realise that all those things have in common that they both give you some type of joy but also hurt you at the same time, but I don't see value in things that are just positive without toxicity attached they just feel fake,shallow and hallow to me . Kinda sucks that we are stuck in this disgusting existence, our nature stops us from killing ourselves, so the only way we can enjoy it has to be through criticism/response acts of it. Therefore even in joy the totality of the Deppressing word lingers

I like being used for my boyfriend's pleasure as a Fleshlight too including anal and I am female but I am European and you guys Americans