>>24464154
I had a panic attack a month ago while reading this stupid book about Arthur Conan Doyle and spiritualism. Obviously, I don't believe in any of that stuff, but I kept looking up all of the mediums mentioned in the book to see if they were frauds, and of course, they all were. I was disappointed by this for whatever reason. I then became suddenly aware that I was going to die someday on a very visceral level, and now I feel like I don't exist. It was like some part of me just broke away, and I feel like I'm just watching life. I'm stuck in this perpetual feeling of "who am I". Seems like there's just this giant pit where my identity used to be. I'm 33. I feel like I'm too old for an existential crisis. I already did this when I was 17.

I felt like this in high school for years, but it gradually went away with drinking and college friendships. Now I'm married, sober, and completely bewildered by life. My wife has had cancer several times, and now, because of this, I will never be a father. I work with patients who have degenerative neurological conditions every day. It's starting to grate on me. I can't sit through church now because I'm can't bear sitting alone with my thoughts. I'm gonna go see a therapist on Monday. I'm not trying to craft a sob story here, but I think I'm at a moment of inflection in my life.