I feel more comfortable talking about it lately but am still not comfortable so dont talk to me about it.I can admit to myself i wish to be a pretty girl.At least ill take the step of being honest with myself.I deny it on here nd i deny it everywhere but the sick thing is i even deny it in my own mind when theres no sense in denying it when i already know the truth in hte 1st place nd the problem comes from me in the 1st place.But i tried anyway past few years to push it as far back in the dungeons of my mind palace as poss.Nd frankly,I will continue doing that until I die, as a moid.I coped that "its between me and God" n thats the truth though.Its for him nd me alone.Its caused me a lot of pain n tension n heart break trying to trick myself out of it n grinding my teeth in my sleep every night.Nd the emptiness i feel every second of the day.But its just reality.I can only accept it.Some things arent possible.Bruteforcing the impossible through medication n stuff is a larp.When i was wee i saw moids as violent rapist freaks nd it made me sick to know am classed in the same group as them n i never fucking felt like i should be in that group bc we have nothing in common.I was born as a disgusting moid ape.Its just what happened.I dont feel like that about them anymore i matured n more life experience but aye.I have my 2 sisters n i always wondered WHY did I have to be the boy.Out of my mammys kids there was 2 chances to be a girl nd then just 1 of us had to be the boy nd somehow it landed on me.Why me.They both got to be girls.ND THEYRE NOT EVEN FUSSED!What the fuck did i do to deserve this body n role in life.ITs not fair.It makes me sick n start to tear up n suicidal if i think about it too much so its safer to just have a ban on thinking about it.Its jst volatile n unproductive.I dont know whats the solution but I know what isnt the solution.I know i trust God more than big pharma.Its that simple,i get it aff my chest,never talk to me about this, it makes me sick.